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Post by subzero on May 28, 2018 21:34:09 GMT
Hello guys,
I don't want to bother you at all with a long story, hence I will make it short.
I got to know a girl three years ago and we quickly moved together. She was an awesome girl, really lovely, beautiful and fun but - unfortunately - on the other hand really controlling and jealous.
I could handle that although it was not always easy - I always had to reassure her and make her feel safe. So I spent almost one year with pure studying and the rest of the time I spent with her to make her (and me) feel comfortable. We both were students at that time and once we were both finished, I got a really awesome job and she also found her "dream" job about 310 miles away. I was really thinking moving with her but as she provocated me with a lot of stuff (making me jealous with other guys, talking about separation etc.), I decided to keep the job. She missed to make me feel safe enough to leave my job dream job (it's really hard do get a job as a fresh graduate here (!)), leave my friends and family behind.
You can imagine what has happened - she broke up in October 2016. Although I am quite experienced with women (already had a couple of relationships and tons of dates), I felt devastated and guilty for letting her go.
I started to read through all kind of studies regarding attachment for over 1.5 years now and everything became so clear to me. Her jealous games, her clingy and possessive behaviour, the guilt I felt...this was the missing puzzle and explained everything to me - her jealous and blame games were there to get attention and not to really cheat on me. Without being a psychologist but everything I read about anxious-preoccupied was fitting to her behaviour to more than 100%.
I really would like to get her back but what would be the best approach...? And what is the inner attitude of anxious-preoccupied towards their ex-partners ?
Thanks in advance.
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Post by tnr9 on May 29, 2018 1:31:00 GMT
Welcome to the forum. What is missing from the above is whether you and she are still in contact and whether she is seeing someone else...this information is rather important to understand where things are between the two of you right now. As to your question about how I feel about the men I dated....it really depends on how connected I felt to him, how the relationship ended and his own attachment style.
I do have a question to ask....are you willing to accept her 100% the way she was when you were dating..protest behaviors and all? Because if you are hoping to only keep the good parts and change the protest behaviors..she will sense that you don't accept her for who she is. Really consider whether you are willing to undertake understanding her needs and not labeling them.
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Post by subzero on May 29, 2018 7:53:57 GMT
Welcome to the forum. What is missing from the above is whether you and she are still in contact and whether she is seeing someone else...this information is rather important to understand where things are between the two of you right now. As to your question about how I feel about the men I dated....it really depends on how connected I felt to him, how the relationship ended and his own attachment style. I do have a question to ask....are you willing to accept her 100% the way she was when you were dating..protest behaviors and all? Because if you are hoping to only keep the good parts and change the protest behaviors..she will sense that you don't accept her for who she is. Really consider whether you are willing to undertake understanding her needs and not labeling them. First of all, let me thank you for your reply. I appreciate it a lot. Basically, I would rate myself as a ' secure' type - this was also the result of several tests. I spent more than a year 24/7 with her. Things got out of control once I got my new job as I had to go abroad for 2 months. She was crying, missing me, threatening to leave, making me jealous and trying to make me insecure as she was totally alone in the new city she started the job. In fact she, made me insecure as hell once I was going out with colleagues. I visited her directly once I returned and we spent a nice weekend and then drove back 310 miles back to my place. Then she broke up as she could not have a long distance relationship and seeing each other only on weekends or every two weeks. I saw her 2 weeks later once she visited her sister - I was begging & crying (something I never did before!) but she was cold as ice, keeping blaming me. Ironically, 2 months after the break up, my company offered me the possibility to work mostly remote from any place I want... She got a new boyfriend but I don't know how things are going - she neither updaded her Whatsapp profile picture since months nor posted anything new on Instagram or so. I messaged her 3 weeks ago, she read the message but did not reply. As I now know what's all behind it - yes, I would take her. In fact, all the drama is also fun - all these emotions. :-) And in fact, I handled it quite nice during our relationship but the 2 months abroad broke everything. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 29, 2018 12:31:08 GMT
Honestly, I don't know why you want her back if you became insecure as a result of being in a relationship with her. I also think that if she is dating someone else, you need to respect that. If she did not respond to your message....that is a clear sign that she currently doesn't want to pursue something with you.
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Post by subzero on May 29, 2018 13:34:29 GMT
Well, in the end, she exceeded it too much. I should call her each evening out, sending pictures on weekends to prove that I am alone in bed. As I asked her to do the same, she reacted really aggressive. That's the reason I did not move with her - It was too uncertain for me. Anyway, besides these abnormal behaviour she was the most awesome girl I ever met.
But maybe - it's for the best. Who knows how long I could take such kind of behaviour even if she stayed. I read, that insecurities even grow by time - no matter how much you try to reassure her.
I suppose you are right - maybe it's the best, that the next is going to have her "problems".
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Post by tnr9 on May 29, 2018 14:03:08 GMT
Actually..the way you talk about her does not sound like someone secure. So perhaps it is best that both of you move on to partners who can better understand the needs you both have.
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Post by subzero on May 29, 2018 14:17:47 GMT
Actually..the way you talk about her does not sound like someone secure. So perhaps it is best that both of you move on to partners who can better understand the needs you both have. Well, I have never been a jealous or a controlling person. I asked her to do the same to show her how silly and how draining such a behavior is. I tried my best to care for her - but anyway, a girl/women has to provide some confidence too. Threatening to break up because I forgot to clean the kitchen is FAR too much or giving me every second day a small task do to for her too. I did my best to keep her and my life on track and well in the end I did it well - we both got well paid jobs and graduated successfully. As I already said - If you do not take into account all these behaviors she was the most fascinating girl I ever met. Through all the little struggles (anyway I became quite well in handling that), I never met a person who touched me emotionally the way she did. You know, I promised her millions of times that we will stay together forever no matter what - I asked / pleased her just to give me 2 months but I suppose that's also typical for AP => Small separations causes a lot of pain to them. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 29, 2018 17:53:19 GMT
This honestly does not appear to be a very healthy dynamic and as I said before....if she has moved on, then it seems best if you do too.
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Post by leavethelighton on May 30, 2018 2:44:57 GMT
I agree with Tnr9.... That relationship sounds exhausting. There should be way more mutual trust than what the two of you had.
Dare I say part of why she's fascinating is because she'll never let you actually know her? Also if she were ready for a healthier dynamic, I think she would have responded to your text/message.
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Post by subzero on May 30, 2018 11:48:53 GMT
I agree with Tnr9.... That relationship sounds exhausting. There should be way more mutual trust than what the two of you had. Dare I say part of why she's fascinating is because she'll never let you actually know her? Also if she were ready for a healthier dynamic, I think she would have responded to your text/message. Actually, I enjoyed her that she was a really emotional girl. I got her to know really well - I mean, we lived for 1 year 24/7 in one single room. But she was preoccupied with the imagination of a fantasy bond i.e. being together forever, doing everything together, always keeping in touch. After a while I enjoyed that kind of closeness and felt somehow responsible to fix stuff her. On the other hand, she always tried to get my attention by making me jealous, drama and insecure to keep me tight to her. I did not get the dynamic at this point of time - but this what I mean: Now I know, how everything is connected and that in fact she did not want to cheat on me or anything else - She wanted me to keep as close to her as possible.I rather should have gone with her to a psychologist to heal her inner child wounds. And this is what I am blaming myself today for - that I did not get that point. I pray for her, that she is happy today and that one day she is able to handle that much pain what her parents did to her but I always told her: No matter what, she can always rely on me. I will be there for her - no matter what will happen in her life. |
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Post by notalone on Jul 20, 2018 19:39:41 GMT
I agree with Tnr9.... That relationship sounds exhausting. There should be way more mutual trust than what the two of you had. Dare I say part of why she's fascinating is because she'll never let you actually know her? Also if she were ready for a healthier dynamic, I think she would have responded to your text/message. 1 - "After a while I enjoyed that kind of closeness and felt somehow responsible to fix stuff her." 2 - "I did not get the dynamic at this point of time - but this what I mean: Now I know, how everything is connected and that in fact she did not want to cheat on me or anything else - She wanted me to keep as close to her as possible.3 - "I rather should have gone with her to a psychologist to heal her inner child wounds. And this is what I am blaming myself today for - that I did not get that point." I hope you're well. Your post rings a several alarm bells for me ... 1 - The desire to "fix" someone is frequently a sign of codependence. 2 - Be careful in assuming that you understand this completely. You are not a psychiologist. I understand that it can feel like you are actually reading about your own situation when you read about some of this attachment stuff (I've experienced the same thing). But the reality is that I keep learning and seeing things differently, this stuff is very complex, and it shifts and evolves. 3 - First, the thought that you should fix or save someone is, again, a sign of codependence. Secondly, I think "should" thoughts all the time, it's a bad habit I'm trying to break. It's not helpful or useful. We do our best with the information and skills we have at the time. |
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Post by subzero on Jul 14, 2019 12:14:17 GMT
Hi guys, it's already a year gone since you all posted those great advices. I read each of them. The wounds healed more and more but somehow it still seems like a big dream I had. Sometimes, I still doubt myself "Maybe I should have gone with her", "Maybe we should have had travelled as she always wanted" etc. and on the other hand I am looking on my "shit" list i.e. stuff she did. Looking back, it was really exhausting. But my emotions are switching. One thought is: - Damn, I am happy to have my freedom again. You got what you wanted. You always told me your life is a trouble and I told you, that everything will be fine. The self-fulfilling prophecy became true. And the other: - I feel so sorry for you my little girl. I know you had a hard time. I never wanted to disappoint you. I should not have let you go for a stupid job. I cared for you as a man has to care for his girlfriend. It's my fault, I did not see that coming. notalone: I don't know whether I wanted to fix her or not but I wanted her to get her life working perfectly i.e. paying her debts, finishing her degree, achieving her goals. I mean, a man should care for his girl, isn't it ? |
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Post by alexandra on Jul 14, 2019 17:25:43 GMT
subzero, a very long-time secure close friend of mine dated someone like this for a long time. They had a lot in common, but soon she was always insecure and jealous and threatened, did things like hated any single female friends he had for no real reason at all (he only had eyes for her, and none of his friends were not trying to steal him, he was doing nothing to make her feel insecure). So what did he do -- he married her expecting that it would soothe all her jealousy and insecurity, prove his 100% commitment. He wrote her wedding vows that actually brought tears to my eyes. They were married for years. She was meaner and meaner and meaner to him. He wanted to go to couples therapy, maybe they did, I don't remember. But whether she went or not, she would just tell him her unhappiness was all his fault and he had to change in unrealistic ways (pushing the goalposts back no matter what he did). He's a magnificently nice guy, a devoted husband, made all their money so she could do whatever personally and professionally. Really, she had some kind of unaddressed insecure attachment and they got together too young for him to truly understand what was going on. Anyway, after years and years together, this ended in divorce and his ego was shot for a while. He spent time recovering, focusing solely on himself and healing and understanding what happened, and now a couple years later is so happily married again to a woman who is a huge upgrade in every way (loves him, equally devoted, equal partner financially, beautiful in looks) and has kids and the family he always wanted. She's a more emotionally mature woman who takes responsibility for herself but is also comfortable with interdependence and commitment. I see a couple things missing in your story. First, any desire on her end to take responsibility for her issues and do the work to change. You still seem to think you could have influenced that. If that spark isn't already there in the person, if they aren't ready, there's ZERO you can do. I've healed from AP myself, and it was a huge process and effort, and I've tried to help some other FA and AP with it in real life. Past clueing people in that attachment theory exists, which they may or may not be interested in hearing, nothing else can be done unless it's driven by their internal desire for growth and healing. Second, you rate yourself as secure. Yet, have you taken any assessments or spoken to a professional? Here's a couple links that tend to be accurate: dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/ www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.plI'm not saying you're not secure. Maybe you are, and you're only insecure with her. But if that's the case, then you drag each other down not up, and that's not a relationship to keep pursuing. Lastly, you refer to her as a little girl. Yes, attachment injury can make people stop emotionally maturing past their inner child stage. But why would you want to date a little girl? What kind of power dynamic are you looking for and why? So much focus on "fixing" her, and not much reflection on yourself and what you think a healthy relationship is.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2019 17:36:34 GMT
Hi guys, it's already a year gone since you all posted those great advices. I read each of them. The wounds healed more and more but somehow it still seems like a big dream I had. Sometimes, I still doubt myself "Maybe I should have gone with her", "Maybe we should have had travelled as she always wanted" etc. and on the other hand I am looking on my "shit" list i.e. stuff she did. Looking back, it was really exhausting. But my emotions are switching. One thought is: - Damn, I am happy to have my freedom again. You got what you wanted. You always told me your life is a trouble and I told you, that everything will be fine. The self-fulfilling prophecy became true. And the other: - I feel so sorry for you my little girl. I know you had a hard time. I never wanted to disappoint you. I should not have let you go for a stupid job. I cared for you as a man has to care for his girlfriend. It's my fault, I did not see that coming. notalone : I don't know whether I wanted to fix her or not but I wanted her to get her life working perfectly i.e. paying her debts, finishing her degree, achieving her goals. I mean, a man should care for his girl, isn't it ? What is the situation between you both now? have you or are you in contact? |
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Post by subzero on Jul 14, 2019 22:19:59 GMT
subzero , a very long-time secure close friend of mine dated someone like this for a long time. They had a lot in common, but soon she was always insecure and jealous and threatened, did things like hated any single female friends he had for no real reason at all (he only had eyes for her, and none of his friends were not trying to steal him, he was doing nothing to make her feel insecure). So what did he do -- he married her expecting that it would soothe all her jealousy and insecurity, prove his 100% commitment. He wrote her wedding vows that actually brought tears to my eyes. They were married for years. She was meaner and meaner and meaner to him. He wanted to go to couples therapy, maybe they did, I don't remember. But whether she went or not, she would just tell him her unhappiness was all his fault and he had to change in unrealistic ways (pushing the goalposts back no matter what he did). He's a magnificently nice guy, a devoted husband, made all their money so she could do whatever personally and professionally. Really, she had some kind of unaddressed insecure attachment and they got together too young for him to truly understand what was going on. Anyway, after years and years together, this ended in divorce and his ego was shot for a while. He spent time recovering, focusing solely on himself and healing and understanding what happened, and now a couple years later is so happily married again to a woman who is a huge upgrade in every way (loves him, equally devoted, equal partner financially, beautiful in looks) and has kids and the family he always wanted. She's a more emotionally mature woman who takes responsibility for herself but is also comfortable with interdependence and commitment. I see a couple things missing in your story. First, any desire on her end to take responsibility for her issues and do the work to change. You still seem to think you could have influenced that. If that spark isn't already there in the person, if they aren't ready, there's ZERO you can do. I've healed from AP myself, and it was a huge process and effort, and I've tried to help some other FA and AP with it in real life. Past clueing people in that attachment theory exists, which they may or may not be interested in hearing, nothing else can be done unless it's driven by their internal desire for growth and healing. Second, you rate yourself as secure. Yet, have you taken any assessments or spoken to a professional? Here's a couple links that tend to be accurate: dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/ www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.plI'm not saying you're not secure. Maybe you are, and you're only insecure with her. But if that's the case, then you drag each other down not up, and that's not a relationship to keep pursuing. Lastly, you refer to her as a little girl. Yes, attachment injury can make people stop emotionally maturing past their inner child stage. But why would you want to date a little girl? What kind of power dynamic are you looking for and why? So much focus on "fixing" her, and not much reflection on yourself and what you think a healthy relationship is. First of all, thank you a lot for your awesome, awersome reply. I read it several times - I really, really liked it. EDIT: I cut off the main text - I suppose, it's too much to read anyway. I would consider myself secure for the simple reason as I just never had any fears or abandoned issues. I have a wonderful family and never struggled with self doubts or relationship insecurity. I did some tests on attachment - they result in secure. Of course there are situations where I feel a bit insecure (new job, getting into a new social circle) but I never saw that to be something irregular @thatright : I tried to contact her July last year. She accused me that I was manipulating and using her and that her new boyfriend is a perfect match and puts her to the center of his universe what I never did. I tried to explain myself but got blocked. That's all. Sometimes I am looking in her IG profile - at the begining she was posting a lot of pictures to the places she was travelling with him but since months there are no updates. Nothing. I don't whether she is alive or not and I suppose, I will never find out. Again, thank you all for reading. |
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