Post by anne12 on Jul 24, 2018 9:16:58 GMT
What characterizes the secure attatchment style?
(maybe you already have some secure attatchment, check it out)
Basic peace of mind in relation to yourself and others
Good relationships with both men and women
Realistic optimism
Satisfaction in sexual relationship
Easy to get in balance / rest in yourself again after challenging situations, also in relation to others
You walk in and out of contact with others in a natural rhythm
Healthy balance between your attention on yourself and attention on the other person
Good empathy
Remains present in the contact
Pay attention to when something is wrong in the contact
Can make sure to fix the relationship whenever necessary - or receive initiative from the other person to make things good again
Being able to repair/reach out as soon as you notice, that you are out of sync
Voice the problems and take the conflicts in the relationship, when required
Do not compromise with bad situations and know that you deserve to be treated properly
Know your needs and express them directly
Good body contact, also when you are in touch with others
You are largely the same person, regardless of whether your partner (or others) are in the same room
Think, feel and express 80% of the time positive about your partner
Good self-esteem - and respectful to others
Are not afraid to be alone
Compassion with yourself or others when there is hurt
Responds mature in relationships. Do not let yourself be overwhelmed by emotions, senses or instinctive reactions
Can leave an unhealthy relationship
In a healthy relationship, you do not miss your partner, when the partner is away, but you are loking forward to meet again.
Secure attatchment and self-esteem
As you can see from the above list of signs of secure attachment, you are able to rest well and healthy in yourself and have self-esteem - the more secure attatchmentstyle you have. In all ways life is easier, more fun and happier, the more you are in your secure state.
The secure attatchmentstyle and love life
It is in the secure attatchment you can truly experience love. This is where you can be yourself, just as you are. This is where others find you attractive. And this is where you can deal with challenging situations with other people calmly and in balance. And if you lose your footing, you'll can get yourself back soon.
It is in the secure attatchment you are present and can give. It is also here that you are good at accepting and being in the flow of life. Here you do not have to fight so much.
It is in the secure attatchment you know, that love is here right now for you too. If you are single and meet a potential partner, it is almost self-evident that you will get closer to each other and develop the relationship in a natural rythm.
If you already are in a relationship, then you will be good at being loving, present and happy with each other.
More:
Having a natural capacity of being PRESENT with our selves and our loved ones, partner, children, parents, co workers, strangers, friends ect
Atunement, beeing able to resonate, to get the other person and our selves
To be responsive to other people
Repair if there's been a mis atunement
Recive and allow repair attempts from others
Being able to GIVE and RECIVE love and comfort
Reconicing when people are kind to us and when people are not kind to us
Knowing how to recover quickly
Knowing how to be protective to those around us - asking our children and partners what they need when they are in distress
Telling others what we need in stressful situations and how they can be protective and supportive to us
Not personalizing other people's actions (often 2% have to do with you and 98% is whats happening in the other person)
Setting/having healthy/flexible boundaries in a direct and assertive way
Expressing our wants and needs
Flexible boundaries:
psychcentral.com/blog/flexible-boundaries-affirming-ourselves-while-staying-connected/
Securely attatched couples: share deep connection and intimacy with their partners based on trust that you will consistently meet one another’s needs.
Turning toward your partner when they ask for your attention or affection is one of the greatest strengths in an intimate relationship according to the Gottman Relationships Research Institute.
Here are 5 additional habits common among Securely Attached couples.
Commitment to Helping their Partners Feel Valued:
Small appreciations and constant reminders to your partner that they are valued, and you notice what they do on a daily basis for your relationship, family and household duties not only makes your partner feel appreciated but also generates more positive feelings about your partner.
Make it a point to show your appreciation and consider thanking your partner by communicating in their Love Language.
Incorporating Playfulness and Fun:
Having fun and regular play are both essential aspects of a healthy relationship. Pet names, private jokes, and keeping a sense of wonder about your partner and relationship can alleviate stress and enhance sex.
Play can include physical sports, games, or even something as simple as a wink or flirtation from across the room. Texting your partner throughout the day to let your partner know you are thinking of them also maintains a connection when you are apart.
Consistent Positive Interactions:
A gentle touch, kind words, and sweet looks shared between partners help you remain emotionally united. Speaking with a calm tone, even during disagreements, can also alleviate some of the pressure and stress when the two of you are not on the same page.
While problematic interactions are likely to occur, having a solid foundation of positivity will make the negative interactions less destructive.
A Genuine Interest in Your Partner:
Your partner likely had a multitude of experiences before you met. Having a genuine curiosity about your partner’s past, their dreams, and how they became the person that you love will allow you to learn about your partner over the course of your lifetime together.
Staying interested in your partner’s professional and social experiences outside the relationship also supports your connection.
A Desire to Grow Together:
Long-term relationships are never perfect but are always an opportunity to grow both individually and as a couple. When you encounter roadblocks, working through them and acknowledging the lessons learned will prevent you from making the same mistakes repeatedly.
Our most intimate relationships are often a mirror into our own Attachment issues and an opportunity to develop Secure Attachment through intimate partnership.
How to handle thirds in the relationship:
In a securely attached couple, both partners are willingly the go-to person for the other; their ability to be curious and interested in one another leads to productive discussions about how best to handle the many things that can trip them up, leaving both feeling unsafe and unsupported. Visits with in-laws, time apart, challenging work situations: those are the thirds, and how they are handled is either the stuff of separateness and conflict or of deepening understanding and closeness.
Spotting a secure partner:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1036/spotting-secure-partner
Interactive regulation - you can and know how use and recieve soft tone of voice, kind eyes (using eyegazes) and touch. Today we are visual animals.
On the top regulation is touch, then eyes, then sound.
Bonding exercises:
A trust and bonding exercise - the woman dancing/walking on her boyfriends feet (like small children normaly do with their dad (recommended by an SE/atttchment therapist) ;-))
www.youtube.com/watch?v=tf8hLe-pV80&spfreload=10
Go for a walk side by side and maybe hand in hand
Look into each others eyes 5 min a day (no talking)
Talk to each other with full awareness 10 min a day
Pillowtalk
(maybe you already have some secure attatchment, check it out)
Basic peace of mind in relation to yourself and others
Good relationships with both men and women
Realistic optimism
Satisfaction in sexual relationship
Easy to get in balance / rest in yourself again after challenging situations, also in relation to others
You walk in and out of contact with others in a natural rhythm
Healthy balance between your attention on yourself and attention on the other person
Good empathy
Remains present in the contact
Pay attention to when something is wrong in the contact
Can make sure to fix the relationship whenever necessary - or receive initiative from the other person to make things good again
Being able to repair/reach out as soon as you notice, that you are out of sync
Voice the problems and take the conflicts in the relationship, when required
Do not compromise with bad situations and know that you deserve to be treated properly
Know your needs and express them directly
Good body contact, also when you are in touch with others
You are largely the same person, regardless of whether your partner (or others) are in the same room
Think, feel and express 80% of the time positive about your partner
Good self-esteem - and respectful to others
Are not afraid to be alone
Compassion with yourself or others when there is hurt
Responds mature in relationships. Do not let yourself be overwhelmed by emotions, senses or instinctive reactions
Can leave an unhealthy relationship
In a healthy relationship, you do not miss your partner, when the partner is away, but you are loking forward to meet again.
Secure attatchment and self-esteem
As you can see from the above list of signs of secure attachment, you are able to rest well and healthy in yourself and have self-esteem - the more secure attatchmentstyle you have. In all ways life is easier, more fun and happier, the more you are in your secure state.
The secure attatchmentstyle and love life
It is in the secure attatchment you can truly experience love. This is where you can be yourself, just as you are. This is where others find you attractive. And this is where you can deal with challenging situations with other people calmly and in balance. And if you lose your footing, you'll can get yourself back soon.
It is in the secure attatchment you are present and can give. It is also here that you are good at accepting and being in the flow of life. Here you do not have to fight so much.
It is in the secure attatchment you know, that love is here right now for you too. If you are single and meet a potential partner, it is almost self-evident that you will get closer to each other and develop the relationship in a natural rythm.
If you already are in a relationship, then you will be good at being loving, present and happy with each other.
More:
Having a natural capacity of being PRESENT with our selves and our loved ones, partner, children, parents, co workers, strangers, friends ect
Atunement, beeing able to resonate, to get the other person and our selves
To be responsive to other people
Repair if there's been a mis atunement
Recive and allow repair attempts from others
Being able to GIVE and RECIVE love and comfort
Reconicing when people are kind to us and when people are not kind to us
Knowing how to recover quickly
Knowing how to be protective to those around us - asking our children and partners what they need when they are in distress
Telling others what we need in stressful situations and how they can be protective and supportive to us
Not personalizing other people's actions (often 2% have to do with you and 98% is whats happening in the other person)
Setting/having healthy/flexible boundaries in a direct and assertive way
Expressing our wants and needs
Flexible boundaries:
psychcentral.com/blog/flexible-boundaries-affirming-ourselves-while-staying-connected/
Securely attatched couples: share deep connection and intimacy with their partners based on trust that you will consistently meet one another’s needs.
Turning toward your partner when they ask for your attention or affection is one of the greatest strengths in an intimate relationship according to the Gottman Relationships Research Institute.
Here are 5 additional habits common among Securely Attached couples.
Commitment to Helping their Partners Feel Valued:
Small appreciations and constant reminders to your partner that they are valued, and you notice what they do on a daily basis for your relationship, family and household duties not only makes your partner feel appreciated but also generates more positive feelings about your partner.
Make it a point to show your appreciation and consider thanking your partner by communicating in their Love Language.
Incorporating Playfulness and Fun:
Having fun and regular play are both essential aspects of a healthy relationship. Pet names, private jokes, and keeping a sense of wonder about your partner and relationship can alleviate stress and enhance sex.
Play can include physical sports, games, or even something as simple as a wink or flirtation from across the room. Texting your partner throughout the day to let your partner know you are thinking of them also maintains a connection when you are apart.
Consistent Positive Interactions:
A gentle touch, kind words, and sweet looks shared between partners help you remain emotionally united. Speaking with a calm tone, even during disagreements, can also alleviate some of the pressure and stress when the two of you are not on the same page.
While problematic interactions are likely to occur, having a solid foundation of positivity will make the negative interactions less destructive.
A Genuine Interest in Your Partner:
Your partner likely had a multitude of experiences before you met. Having a genuine curiosity about your partner’s past, their dreams, and how they became the person that you love will allow you to learn about your partner over the course of your lifetime together.
Staying interested in your partner’s professional and social experiences outside the relationship also supports your connection.
A Desire to Grow Together:
Long-term relationships are never perfect but are always an opportunity to grow both individually and as a couple. When you encounter roadblocks, working through them and acknowledging the lessons learned will prevent you from making the same mistakes repeatedly.
Our most intimate relationships are often a mirror into our own Attachment issues and an opportunity to develop Secure Attachment through intimate partnership.
How to handle thirds in the relationship:
In a securely attached couple, both partners are willingly the go-to person for the other; their ability to be curious and interested in one another leads to productive discussions about how best to handle the many things that can trip them up, leaving both feeling unsafe and unsupported. Visits with in-laws, time apart, challenging work situations: those are the thirds, and how they are handled is either the stuff of separateness and conflict or of deepening understanding and closeness.
Spotting a secure partner:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1036/spotting-secure-partner
Interactive regulation - you can and know how use and recieve soft tone of voice, kind eyes (using eyegazes) and touch. Today we are visual animals.
On the top regulation is touch, then eyes, then sound.
Bonding exercises:
A trust and bonding exercise - the woman dancing/walking on her boyfriends feet (like small children normaly do with their dad (recommended by an SE/atttchment therapist) ;-))
www.youtube.com/watch?v=tf8hLe-pV80&spfreload=10
Go for a walk side by side and maybe hand in hand
Look into each others eyes 5 min a day (no talking)
Talk to each other with full awareness 10 min a day
Pillowtalk