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Post by alpenglow on Aug 14, 2018 12:55:13 GMT
Cool story! It soundslike what the authors of Attach keep suggesting. For anxious people to do the opposite of following "The Rules", wear their heart on their sleeve, and tell the people they meet that they have needs. This can filter out many unsuitable matches!
I'm trying to do this. It's hard. Because I meet so many who just bolt as soon as they are aware of my needs. Not a big loss, because they would never have been able to meet need, but still...
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Post by lilyg on Aug 14, 2018 15:18:34 GMT
No Needless Wonders here!  |
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Post by alpenglow on Aug 14, 2018 16:54:07 GMT
Haha, "needless wonders", that's a good one |
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 14, 2018 18:03:12 GMT
Are you talking about your FA partner? I guess we all grieve different, some people need to get over their ex before dating again, others do 'rebounds' and then get over their ex. How much time has passed since this guy disappeared from your life? Personally, I can miss terribly someone who dumped me but after a couple of months with no contact… I guess I 'get over' them in a way that I don't want to get back together, even if I still get sad/angry if I think about them. My default break-up mode is me going out almost every day with my friends, painting and running… so it helps centering myself in people and activities I love. Meeting somebody new helps as well, but more in the 'I have hope for love again'. But I need some months to grieve the relationship. If I still keep contact with them is much more difficult (once it took me almost a year to get over someone because we kept being in touch 'as friends'). If I am the one who leaves I get over an ex pretty soon (but I guess is normal). The guy I said I want back if I'm being honest is my recent ex who I believe is FA, it's been a month since he broke up with me. The last person I was super into before him, who I took years to fully get over, I'm not sure what his attachment style is. In both cases we dated for a relatively short amount of time, about 3 months, in both cases they embodied so many of the qualities and interests etc I look for in a partner, and in both cases it ended pretty abruptly without proper explanation (and with a small lie to leave me expecting something that never materialized). I dated someone else I believe to be FA before, years ago, and it went on much longer, but that one was a total rollercoaster that was clearly doomed from the beginning and unlike the two men I just mentioned, he wasn't a great match for me in many ways, I was just inexplicably drawn to him and addicted to him. With the other two guys I was left grieving what could have been, and left with all the good memories. It's rare for me to like someone that much, so even simply dating someone new doesn't help enough to get over them, it's like I have to either meet someone I like even more and/or have things happen that erase all hope that we will ever see each other again. I understand...I don't think it is just an AP thing...however....as you have noted above, you have a "pattern" of profoundly missing the guy you dated until you find someone new. I think oftentimes...the closer a partner mirrors our caregiver wounds..the more profound the loss is felt. The thing is...on one level, you do miss him...but that "missing as if a parent died" is not tied to him...it is a deeper longing that feels like it belongs to him...but it doesn't. This is where the work lies..in separating out the deeper longing and sitting with and addressing that...whether with a therapist or a good friend or simply through your time here. In the meantime...you are in good company since there are several of us here that are trying to work through our attachment pain and move more towards secure. Thanks, it's really helpful to have other people who understand attachment theory to talk to. Hey happyidiot , maybe this is relevant for this talk: www.nytimes.com/2007/07/08/fashion/08love.html. It's a very simple, funny piece but I think it approaches well how to become more 'secure' while dating. Don't be afraid to take the wheel of your dating life! A secure guy will appreciate it. It was cute and interesting, thanks! What I envision working best for myself and the kind of man I want to date is neither what the author found worked for her, nor is it following the book "The Rules." There are many other options. Although the author of that article didn't sound like she was chasing very hard to me, the man was still doing all the asking out etc. I don't think all secure guys appreciate the woman "taking the wheel," especially the highly masculine (meaning internally) type who wants things to feel like his idea and values things he had to work for. I also think it's important to quickly weed out guys that may only be dating me because I pursue them and don't feel enough to take any initiative themselves, rather than getting attached to them. I want someone to choose me and to pursue me equally at minimum. Pursuing men hasn't been working out well for me. |
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 14, 2018 18:32:15 GMT
Cool story! It soundslike what the authors of Attach keep suggesting. For anxious people to do the opposite of following "The Rules", wear their heart on their sleeve, and tell the people they meet that they have needs. This can filter out many unsuitable matches! I'm trying to do this. It's hard. Because I meet so many who just bolt as soon as they are aware of my needs. Not a big loss, because they would never have been able to meet need, but still... Yeah, maybe I should do some work on figuring out what I even need and how to articulate it. For example I want to date someone who is not closed off to the potential of something serious developing, but I do not need someone to make a decision about whether they want something serious with me right away, so I get hesitant to have a "what are you looking for" talk. You know those people that "aren't looking for anything serious" or are planning to move to Zimbabwe in 2 months or are obsessed with their ex or value their freedom above all else or whatever, I just want to avoid those. Sometimes I want something in the moment but it's not actually something I need from a partner, for example I may be upset/worried that someone didn't text me back as fast as I'd like, but I think that is my own issue I need to work on rather than telling potential partners that I "need" them to, say, always text back within 24 hours. A highly AP friend of mine actually gets men she dates (and even some friends) to promise her they will text daily, which still causes trouble because she is then distraught when they eventually break that (and she also doesn't end things with them over it, showing it's not a hard boundary). What kinds of needs do you tell people you have? I have so much trouble deciding what I really need during the early dating process. I was thinking maybe I just need to be able to tell him how I am feeling about things and have him step up and try to help in a way that works for him. Do you think it's better to outline precisely what you want the other person to do? |
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Post by cspragu on Aug 14, 2018 18:42:04 GMT
Cool story! It soundslike what the authors of Attach keep suggesting. For anxious people to do the opposite of following "The Rules", wear their heart on their sleeve, and tell the people they meet that they have needs. This can filter out many unsuitable matches! I'm trying to do this. It's hard. Because I meet so many who just bolt as soon as they are aware of my needs. Not a big loss, because they would never have been able to meet need, but still... Yeah, maybe I should do some work on figuring out what I even need and how to articulate it. For example I want to date someone who is not closed off to the potential of something serious developing, but I do not need someone to make a decision about whether they want something serious with me right away, so I get hesitant to have a "what are you looking for" talk. You know those people that "aren't looking for anything serious" or are planning to move to Zimbabwe in 2 months or are obsessed with their ex or value their freedom above all else or whatever, I just want to avoid those. Sometimes I want something in the moment but it's not actually something I need from a partner, for example I may be upset/worried that someone didn't text me back as fast as I'd like, but I think that is my own issue I need to work on rather than telling potential partners that I "need" them to, say, always text back within 24 hours. A highly AP friend of mine actually gets men she dates (and even some friends) to promise her they will text daily, which still causes trouble because she is then distraught when they eventually break that (and she also doesn't end things with them over it, showing it's not a hard boundary). What kinds of needs do you tell people you have? I have so much trouble deciding what I really need during the early dating process. I was thinking maybe I just need to be able to tell him how I am feeling about things and have him step up and try to help in a way that works for him. Do you think it's better to outline precisely what you want the other person to do? This was an issue I had with my ex the first time we were together. She would take hours sometimes to return messages. I knew what she was up to and she would be on social media so I would take it personally when she didn't reply. I think its rude...just as a general rule, regardless of whos text you're returning. The second time around I didn't take it personally and just wrote it off as one of those personality quirks id have to accept. As for needs, I don't lay them out up front. Historically I've tended to feel the other person out to see if they would meet them because they wanted similar. That did NOT pan out for me with my last relationship. My needs: 1. Mutual respect and consideration. (i.e. treat me how you want to be treated) 2. Open and Honest Communication. (can you really have a relationship without this?) 3. Quality time. (what's the point of dating someone if you only see each other 3 times a week? Obviously this is only a consideration once things become serious) 4. HONESTY...again. (My ex wife was a compulsive liar. Never again) |
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 14, 2018 19:12:12 GMT
This was an issue I had with my ex the first time we were together. She would take hours sometimes to return messages. I knew what she was up to and she would be on social media so I would take it personally when she didn't reply. I think its rude...just as a general rule, regardless of whos text you're returning. The second time around I didn't take it personally and just wrote it off as one of those personality quirks id have to accept. As for needs, I don't lay them out up front. Historically I've tended to feel the other person out to see if they would meet them because they wanted similar. That did NOT pan out for me with my last relationship. My needs: 1. Mutual respect and consideration. (i.e. treat me how you want to be treated) 2. Open and Honest Communication. (can you really have a relationship without this?) 3. Quality time. (what's the point of dating someone if you only see each other 3 times a week? Obviously this is only a consideration once things become serious) 4. HONESTY...again. (My ex wife was a compulsive liar. Never again) Ah, social media, the bane of modern dating. My ex wouldn't even have broken up with me when he did if it wasn't for social media. It's a mystery whether that is a good or bad thing. Is there a way you could be more specific about your needs? How could a person demonstrate those things to you and what are you going to do if they do not? For example, a lot of people think they are being respectful or communicating well, we just have different perceptions. |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 14, 2018 19:15:59 GMT
Are you talking about your FA partner? I guess we all grieve different, some people need to get over their ex before dating again, others do 'rebounds' and then get over their ex. How much time has passed since this guy disappeared from your life? Personally, I can miss terribly someone who dumped me but after a couple of months with no contact… I guess I 'get over' them in a way that I don't want to get back together, even if I still get sad/angry if I think about them. My default break-up mode is me going out almost every day with my friends, painting and running… so it helps centering myself in people and activities I love. Meeting somebody new helps as well, but more in the 'I have hope for love again'. But I need some months to grieve the relationship. If I still keep contact with them is much more difficult (once it took me almost a year to get over someone because we kept being in touch 'as friends'). If I am the one who leaves I get over an ex pretty soon (but I guess is normal). The guy I said I want back if I'm being honest is my recent ex who I believe is FA, it's been a month since he broke up with me. The last person I was super into before him, who I took years to fully get over, I'm not sure what his attachment style is. In both cases we dated for a relatively short amount of time, about 3 months, in both cases they embodied so many of the qualities and interests etc I look for in a partner, and in both cases it ended pretty abruptly without proper explanation (and with a small lie to leave me expecting something that never materialized). I dated someone else I believe to be FA before, years ago, and it went on much longer, but that one was a total rollercoaster that was clearly doomed from the beginning and unlike the two men I just mentioned, he wasn't a great match for me in many ways, I was just inexplicably drawn to him and addicted to him. With the other two guys I was left grieving what could have been, and left with all the good memories. It's rare for me to like someone that much, so even simply dating someone new doesn't help enough to get over them, it's like I have to either meet someone I like even more and/or have things happen that erase all hope that we will ever see each other again. I understand...I don't think it is just an AP thing...however....as you have noted above, you have a "pattern" of profoundly missing the guy you dated until you find someone new. I think oftentimes...the closer a partner mirrors our caregiver wounds..the more profound the loss is felt. The thing is...on one level, you do miss him...but that "missing as if a parent died" is not tied to him...it is a deeper longing that feels like it belongs to him...but it doesn't. This is where the work lies..in separating out the deeper longing and sitting with and addressing that...whether with a therapist or a good friend or simply through your time here. In the meantime...you are in good company since there are several of us here that are trying to work through our attachment pain and move more towards secure. Thanks, it's really helpful to have other people who understand attachment theory to talk to. Hey happyidiot , maybe this is relevant for this talk: www.nytimes.com/2007/07/08/fashion/08love.html. It's a very simple, funny piece but I think it approaches well how to become more 'secure' while dating. Don't be afraid to take the wheel of your dating life! A secure guy will appreciate it. It was cute and interesting, thanks! What I envision working best for myself and the kind of man I want to date is neither what the author found worked for her, nor is it following the book "The Rules." There are many other options. Although the author of that article didn't sound like she was chasing very hard to me, the man was still doing all the asking out etc. I don't think all secure guys appreciate the woman "taking the wheel," especially the highly masculine (meaning internally) type who wants things to feel like his idea and values things he had to work for. I also think it's important to quickly weed out guys that may only be dating me because I pursue them and don't feel enough to take any initiative themselves, rather than getting attached to them. I want someone to choose me and to pursue me equally at minimum. Pursuing men hasn't been working out well for me. . I'm sure you can reach a happy middle between taking the wheel and speeding into the sunset with a hostage (I'm not saying you do that at all! but the image came into my head and it was kind of hilarious 😂) and being upfront on what you expect from a man. As I told you, I enjoy being a step behind the guy (the woman on the article is maybe too upfront for my liking but I loved the general idea of it) as I'm also attracted to masculine men 😉 but I don't like waiting or having my thoughts read. But yeah, I'm not masculine but I wouldn't say I'm the most feminine woman ever. Well I guess we're on the same page! I'll answer you later in regards of your exes. Sorry, I have to go 😘 |
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