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Post by tnr9 on Sept 5, 2018 14:09:09 GMT
Interesting...I don't see it as drama....but since I am getting feedback that states that it is...I will consider a different wording.
Also...I am super proud of myself that I can take the above feedback and not try to justify my prior email or crumble into feelings of being judged. I see that as a positive step forward.🙂
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 5, 2018 14:13:37 GMT
I agree, I wouldn't text him. It won't make you feel better, and what can he possibly do with that mail? You won't feel good with his reaction. Don't put yourself on that position  I don't know what that group entails and why you have to tell him that you're leaving, but this email seems like a very emotional breakup all over again. I had a guy do that with me for 3 months after I told him I couldn't keep seeing him, sending me emails about his feelings and leaving my side and really emotional things and he put me in a position that whatever I tried saying nothing was ok. I couldn't help him feel better. I really felt for him but these actions destroyed the image I had of him. Please reach to a friend or write here when you're feeling sad. I understand the feeling on wanting closure but it'll come from within. If you feel the need for people (including him) to know that you're leaving the group, maybe you can tell them simply: I wanted to let you know that after some thought, that I am leaving the community group. I'm focusing on other things right now and I need more time for myself. Thank you for understanding and wishing all the best! See you around later. I already spoke to my friends in person. |
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 5, 2018 15:17:27 GMT
I disagree that it's healthy boundary enforcement to ignore someone and never tell them why and am surprised people are encouraging that. That sounds like avoidant behavior. Personally I think healthy boundaries should be expressed (in most cases, obviously there are exceptions). It's true that we can project how we would feel if someone avoided us onto the other person. However I think one should try to be clear and communicate one's needs for one's own benefit. We need to learn how to identify and express our needs and why we do things. So, while I am not in support of some guilty apology, I am in support of saying something. Once I ignored an ex who I saw on the street and then I texted him and told him exactly why, with no apologies, and I felt a lot better. tnr9 Are you doing ok?? It was a rough night last night...I kept thinking about what I want to say..balancing it between what I want to express and how to express it in a way that he will hear it. I am going to email him....text just does not feel right. I admit that I was grateful he reached out on Monday as I felt so much guilt on Sunday for not texting him back, not seeing him. Having him text me has cleared the way for me to respond out of love and not fear. This is what I have come up with: Hey B, I wanted to let you know that after much prayer and reflection, that I am leaving (the community group). I love, respect and care so much for you that I want you to be able to enjoy all that the group has to offer. Out of love, care and respect for myself, I realize that I need more time to process through my feelings and being in community with you just is not working for me. I wish you all the best. I want to keep it short because men do best with headlines. I admit that I am sad..truthfully I am numb....this is not comfortable for me at all. I agree with everyone else that this is not necessary. What I meant in my last post was could you try to figure out why you ignored his calls and avoided him in public, what boundaries you need there and how to enact them? You already have a boundary around being in that group with him and expressed it by leaving the group. If he wants to know why you left he can ask. It kind of breaks my heart to see how you seem to be putting him before yourself in this email. It reminds me of what someone said in another thread somewhere about how people who are being really AP are so magnanimous and over-the-top nice even in their break-up messages and how it looks like the AP person is thinking if only their ex sees how kind and loving they are they will realize they want to be with them. You offer such great advice to other people, what would you say to yourself if you were someone else asking for help here? |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 5, 2018 15:44:22 GMT
Ok...so now I am completely confused...I truly am not trying to be manipulative, overly accommodating or a drama queen. I am truly here to learn, grow and change and I thought in my email I was keeping it brief but also keeping it real. I don't want B to have the same reactions I am getting here....so let me explain what I am trying to convey and I would welcome some earnest direction. I would like to convey to him that I have decided to leave the group of my own choice having taken responsibility for my own healing. That is it really in a nutshell.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 5, 2018 16:13:41 GMT
It was a rough night last night...I kept thinking about what I want to say..balancing it between what I want to express and how to express it in a way that he will hear it. I am going to email him....text just does not feel right. I admit that I was grateful he reached out on Monday as I felt so much guilt on Sunday for not texting him back, not seeing him. Having him text me has cleared the way for me to respond out of love and not fear. This is what I have come up with: Hey B, I wanted to let you know that after much prayer and reflection, that I am leaving (the community group). I love, respect and care so much for you that I want you to be able to enjoy all that the group has to offer. Out of love, care and respect for myself, I realize that I need more time to process through my feelings and being in community with you just is not working for me. I wish you all the best. I want to keep it short because men do best with headlines. I admit that I am sad..truthfully I am numb....this is not comfortable for me at all. I agree with everyone else that this is not necessary. What I meant in my last post was could you try to figure out why you ignored his calls and avoided him in public, what boundaries you need there and how to enact them? You already have a boundary around being in that group with him and expressed it by leaving the group. If he wants to know why you left he can ask. It kind of breaks my heart to see how you seem to be putting him before yourself in this email. It reminds me of what someone said in another thread somewhere about how people who are being really AP are so magnanimous and over-the-top nice even in their break-up messages and how it looks like the AP person is thinking if only their ex sees how kind and loving they are they will realize they want to be with them. You offer such great advice to other people, what would you say to yourself if you were someone else asking for help here? The reason I avoided him and ignored his texts and call was because I was in emotional overwhelm. Even if I could have pulled myself together to see him, I have enough prior experiences of seeing him within the group to know that I would just spiral for days. It is very interesting how self care becomes a bad thing for someone with AP....I knew that I was doing the right thing for myself but felt so much guilt that night...literally I felt I was letting B down which goes way back to trying to make my mom and dad happy. It took 4 friends all telling me that I did the right thing by taking care of myself for the feelings of guilt to subside. Regardless of anything else, I am learning so much more about myself and my quirks. |
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Post by epicgum on Sept 5, 2018 16:21:31 GMT
I agree with everyone else that this is not necessary. What I meant in my last post was could you try to figure out why you ignored his calls and avoided him in public, what boundaries you need there and how to enact them? You already have a boundary around being in that group with him and expressed it by leaving the group. If he wants to know why you left he can ask. It kind of breaks my heart to see how you seem to be putting him before yourself in this email. It reminds me of what someone said in another thread somewhere about how people who are being really AP are so magnanimous and over-the-top nice even in their break-up messages and how it looks like the AP person is thinking if only their ex sees how kind and loving they are they will realize they want to be with them. You offer such great advice to other people, what would you say to yourself if you were someone else asking for help here? The reason I avoided him and ignored his texts and call was because I was in emotional overwhelm. Even if I could have pulled myself together to see him, I have enough prior experiences of seeing him within the group to know that I would just spiral for days. It is very interesting how self care becomes a bad thing for someone with AP....I knew that I was doing the right thing for myself but felt so much guilt that night...literally I felt I was letting B down which goes way back to trying to make my mom and dad happy. It took 4 friends all telling me that I did the right thing by taking care of myself for the feelings of guilt to subside. Regardless of anything else, I am learning so much more about myself and my quirks. That's great that you are learning more about yourself! Huge victory.  |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2018 17:01:17 GMT
truthfully, tnr9, my personal opinion, and itsnjuat an opinion, is that the only way to be emotionally honest with him or yourself would be to candidly admit that you've been jockeying for position as his girlfriend again, that the entire friend thing has fueled your hope to win him back , and that you obsess endlessly over any contact because of your attachment issues. THAT would be honest. anything else, seems like endless minduckery. if he knew what was really going on he could make his own choices around it too. i'm not saying be vulnerable- my emphasis is on being honest and stopping these distractions. he broke up with you a very long time ago and may not realize you've been obsessed with him since. |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 5, 2018 17:23:08 GMT
I think he already knows tnr9 has struggled with her feelings the entire time and she doesn't have to tell him that. He's already chosen how to act about it, which is to send her messages that are a bit manipulative and trying to control her behavior to be what he wants. She posted the wish/hope example, but that is not the only one, even if they haven't been posted publicly on the boards. I agree with lilyg, that if you do want to send him off with a note so it's not just a disappearance, keeping it short and unemotional is the least dramatic way to go. "I wanted to let you know that after some thought, that I am leaving the community group for a while. I'm focusing on other things right now and I need more time for myself. Thank you for understanding and respecting my decision. Wishing all the best!" |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 5, 2018 17:33:27 GMT
Because I've been in the position of being AP and having to go no contact with someone I've cared about after a breakup so I could focus on myself and heal, and it made a huge difference for me to let him know beforehand that I was doing it for me. It was empowering that I was putting myself first in a way I felt was mutually respectful, and I could stick with it and not feel guilty or like I abandoned him. And then I actually healed and nothing felt like a loose end. It may not be ideal, but she has stated in this thread multiple times that it doesn't feel right or authentic for her to just ghost. So I respect where she says she is in her process. I agree that if she says anything, it shouldn't be written in a way that can be read as protest behavior and, tnr9, you need to be prepared to not respond after sending something, no matter what he may say in reply. Otherwise, you'll be back to square one. |
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Post by epicgum on Sept 5, 2018 17:58:17 GMT
tnr9 Look, he knows where you live, he has mutual friends in common. You aren't abandoning him--if he is really in trouble and needs you, he will be able to find you and you will be there for him.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 5, 2018 18:15:10 GMT
I have been there as well as I am also AP. He broke up with her a year and a half ago. She is not "in a process" she is STUCK IN RUMINATION which is taking over her life. It is not loving or caring to enable someone to stay in that dynamic disguised as a process. I am respecting her by being brutally honest with her. It is not respectful for either of them for her to "take responsibility " and make him (and herself) feel bad 1 1/2 yrs after the split. You're misunderstanding me. The goal here is for her to disconnect from him. If doing it in a way that makes her comfortable and willing to stick with it and avoids further rumination (oh no, I feel guilty for abandoning him, what is he thinking about it) is where she's at, then great, if that's what she needs to clear her head and focus on herself... as long as the disconnection in action has been completed. If you read my "draft," it said nothing about her taking responsibility for the situation for the both of them or anything other than a couple factual sentences and telling him to respect it. Then cut it, it's done, and she can focus on herself. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2018 18:26:41 GMT
my understanding is that tnr9 agreed to be friends with an agenda to become his girlfriend again, so i don't think it's been an honest exchange. while she has told him that she struggles with feelings, i'm not sure he is aware she has hoped they would get back together. he may or may not continue a friendship with her if he knew that she entertained the idea of a relationship he is certain is over . it's a very long term situation, since he was honest and told her he is not interested in the relationship she wants. i see quite a bit of emotional manipulation on her part though, friends with an agenda that denies his feelings about the relationship. he thinks it's friends. she wants to be his girlfriend. she has admitted as much. to us, but maybe not to him. i just think it's manipulative. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2018 18:40:01 GMT
tnr9 Look, he knows where you live, he has mutual friends in common. You aren't abandoning him--if he is really in trouble and needs you, he will be able to find you and you will be there for him. and, he needs friends that are happy when he does well, instead of sad. happy he is succeeding. instead of feeling left out. this whole thing isn't love, it isn't friendship. its based on unrequited love. its toxic. |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 5, 2018 18:50:17 GMT
Here is the thing...you all have some valid points....and I do realize that some of my behavior was not exactly upfront...but...if the choice is to say the friendship was a sham or say nothing...then I am going to go with the option that will cause me the least amount of rumination...because both will...but in that scenario, silence is better. I was hoping for something a bit more middle of the road.
This is a day to day thing...today...I don't want him back...so I thought today was the day I could send a message without the emotional manipulation that others have pointed out. Today I can read all your messages and not feel defensive...today I am open to what you have to say.
I cannot go back in time...I cannot change what I did or did not do before...I appreciate blunt truth a whole lot better than I used to and I know some of you are so very tired of me sounding like a one trick pony. I get that...I am as tired as you are...behaviors become entrenched and i do the best i can at the time with the capacity i have at that time. That is the most I can offer.
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 5, 2018 18:51:02 GMT
tnr9, You are getting a lot of great advice and some tough love on this thread. As someone who is working through the same things are you are, my dear I can tell you honestly that at this point whatever you decide to send, do it solely for YOU. Say what feels best but acknowledge and know that you are not going to get the response you know you really want. I too want my ex to be my boyfriend again, this I will not deny, but I also know that all the heartfelt texts and emails I have sent him the past year and a half, have changed nothing and only served to make me feel worse. Those emails I sent him, were indeed efforts to win him back. They always failed. You know what didn't fail? when I walked away for 2 months on my own terms without announcing anything, just took care of myself. I wish I had stuck with that because over time I felt better and regret giving in to his relentless pursuit. Look at it this way, time is precious and you and I are both wasting ours. He knows how to find you and I think his reaching out to you is quite selfish- you don't owe him any explanation for your behavior. You owe yourself the time and attention you need to heal. Working towards acceptance and soothing yourself is where the real progress is- not perfecting some kind of magical email that will only hurt YOU more. Sending you lots of light and some cyber hugs.
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I don't know what that group entails and why you have to tell him that you're leaving, but this email seems like a very emotional breakup all over again. I had a guy do that with me for 3 months after I told him I couldn't keep seeing him, sending me emails about his feelings and leaving my side and really emotional things and he put me in a position that whatever I tried saying nothing was ok. I couldn't help him feel better. I really felt for him but these actions destroyed the image I had of him. Please reach to a friend or write here when you're feeling sad. I understand the feeling on wanting closure but it'll come from within.
