Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2018 20:28:39 GMT
my thought is, doesn't matter the label, these two have an ongoing relationship that they choose to continue and make the most of. so, learning to be on the relationship that IS in the healthiest way possible, is a great option, even if the relationship is not what it WAS, or what is hoped for. It is what it is. If you're not ready to leave kristyrose, then the kind of shift in perspective that you were able to make over this past weekend, sets you free to participate in a way that is more comfortable to you. that's just my take.... |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Sept 12, 2018 16:13:10 GMT
@dearlover,
that's the thing I've had to shift my expectations and move towards acceptance of what we are. In my mind, we are not friends but we are not a couple either. We are somewhere in between.
The only thing keeping us together is the mutual desire to spend time together and make an effort to making it work despite our differences. I'm not entirely sure why he wants to keep me in his life this way, I can only guess that it's due to his FA tendencies so it's way less threatening for him, no pressure. Ironically though, we have had to have long talks about communication and work with each other just we did as a couple, so if he took a long hard look at things we are actually operating as we once did, if not a bit better because there is a lot more awareness- at least on my end.
I see how this may not work for me in the long run, but when I've tried dating others or going NC I'm less happy, so I know at least for now having him in my life is what makes me happiest.
|
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Sept 12, 2018 16:23:03 GMT
my thought is, doesn't matter the label, these two have an ongoing relationship that they choose to continue and make the most of. so, learning to be on the relationship that IS in the healthiest way possible, is a great option, even if the relationship is not what it WAS, or what is hoped for. It is what it is. If you're not ready to leave kristyrose , then the kind of shift in perspective that you were able to make over this past weekend, sets you free to participate in a way that is more comfortable to you. that's just my take.... thank you for this Juniper. I feel like I have to accept that I will always want more with him and that he will always need to keep things at a certain level that is comfortable for him. Earlier this year, January, he stated he was open to dating others and I told him that is my line- that if he will start doing that, I will need to walk away because it will be too hurtful and of course we both agreed we would not be intimate anymore either. That never happened, meaning, so far he's not dating anyone else and it's been 9 months since this declaration. He even says things like "we have our whole lives" when I tell him that time is finite and our friendship doesn't always feel so solid. It's as if he has an agenda for us and I've no idea what it is! He claims he wants us to be "regular friends" and says things like we can stop having sex and just have regular hang-outs, but neither of us say we want that, because its one of the ways we stay connected. our sex life is very passionate and romantic also tender on top of having friendly hang outs and talking almost daily. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that while I want to respect his words, his actions are in total alignment with how I want us to be. I don't want to push him, it seems whenever we have a talk, he pushes the exact same agenda of us being just friends, yet just this past weekend we were not at all. At any rate, for now I am working with what we have and honoring my feelings and both of our styles. As you said, it is what it is, if I want to be comfortable in it, I need to accept it for what it is. You stated that all perfectly though because I care less about the label, just want him to acknowledge that we can just be what we want together and its ok. I would love to know that we can continue as we are just exclusively which would help me feel more comfortable, but I think that would scare him away. Do you? |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2018 16:59:00 GMT
honestly, i don't care a bit about "scaring him away"- if he can't handle real talk let him walk.
just tell him you want to continue on as you are exclusively.
he will do what he will do, go through his dumb little gyrations.
just do you, he has never gone away for long.
your thing with him will be whatever it will be, talking about it is for the birds.
just live it, and if it's good, enjoy it.
if you don't like something, tell him and he can just suck it up.
don't tippy toe around anyone ever.
|
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Sept 12, 2018 17:07:38 GMT
honestly, i don't care a bit about "scaring him away"- if he can't handle real talk let him walk. just tell him you want to continue on as you are exclusively. he will do what he will do, go through his dumb little gyrations. just do you, he has never gone away for long. your thing with him will be whatever it will be, talking about it is for the birds. just live it, and if it's good, enjoy it. if you don't like something, tell him and he can just suck it up. don't tippy toe around anyone ever. nodding! haha, ur right. one of my good friends told me recently that I hold a lot of my own power yet seem to give it all to him. I agree that talking about it is very useless, so I think stating what I want and that's it, is what I need to do. I've tip toed around him long enough and it's not like he's even asking me to do that, I'm just doing it and that's on me. |
|
|
|
Post by DearLover on Sept 12, 2018 17:10:28 GMT
The label was important for outsiders to understand your situation. When you said 'friends' I assumed there were nothing romantic involved. I don't think I knew your story prior this thread and if I did, I had forgotten already.
|
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Sept 12, 2018 17:17:47 GMT
The label was important for outsiders to understand your situation. When you said 'friends' I assumed there were nothing romantic involved. I don't think I knew your story prior this thread and if I did, I had forgotten already. Totally understand. I explained in this thread the situation assuming a lot of people on here don't know the whole long story that he calls us friends but we are still carrying on as dating. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2018 17:25:42 GMT
honestly, i don't care a bit about "scaring him away"- if he can't handle real talk let him walk. just tell him you want to continue on as you are exclusively. he will do what he will do, go through his dumb little gyrations. just do you, he has never gone away for long. your thing with him will be whatever it will be, talking about it is for the birds. just live it, and if it's good, enjoy it. if you don't like something, tell him and he can just suck it up. don't tippy toe around anyone ever. nodding! haha, ur right. one of my good friends told me recently that I hold a lot of my own power yet seem to give it all to him. I agree that talking about it is very useless, so I think stating what I want and that's it, is what I need to do. I've tip toed around him long enough and it's not like he's even asking me to do that, I'm just doing it and that's on me. yeah, just do you. he likes you. i don't know all about him and his whole story but he shows up for you in ways you like. he responds well when you are in your power. (like when you were generous and large-hearted about his time this past weekend instead of little and triggered) you may have created a lot of problems for yourself by being small and not owning your space. he has to to show up worthy, but if you keep acting like you aren't worthy then you will suffer, not him. don't do that to yourself any more you are a grown- ass woman with a real life. own your space dammit. lol. |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Sept 12, 2018 17:52:35 GMT
nodding! haha, ur right. one of my good friends told me recently that I hold a lot of my own power yet seem to give it all to him. I agree that talking about it is very useless, so I think stating what I want and that's it, is what I need to do. I've tip toed around him long enough and it's not like he's even asking me to do that, I'm just doing it and that's on me. yeah, just do you. he likes you. i don't know all about him and his whole story but he shows up for you in ways you like. he responds well when you are in your power. (like when you were generous and large-hearted about his time this past weekend instead of little and triggered) you may have created a lot of problems for yourself by being small and not owning your space. he has to to show up worthy, but if you keep acting like you aren't worthy then you will suffer, not him. don't do that to yourself any more you are a grown- ass woman with a real life. own your space dammit. lol. LOL! Another post for me to copy and paste into my phone notes! ;-) HUGS |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2018 22:33:03 GMT
nodding! haha, ur right. one of my good friends told me recently that I hold a lot of my own power yet seem to give it all to him. I agree that talking about it is very useless, so I think stating what I want and that's it, is what I need to do. I've tip toed around him long enough and it's not like he's even asking me to do that, I'm just doing it and that's on me. yeah, just do you. he likes you. i don't know all about him and his whole story but he shows up for you in ways you like. he responds well when you are in your power. (like when you were generous and large-hearted about his time this past weekend instead of little and triggered) you may have created a lot of problems for yourself by being small and not owning your space. he has to to show up worthy, but if you keep acting like you aren't worthy then you will suffer, not him. don't do that to yourself any more you are a grown- ass woman with a real life. own your space dammit. lol. , I have to second this. Do it if you like it, and if you are satisfied with the situation. Don't do it because you are settling for crumbs. I am not proud to say that after I broke up with my ex, I used him for sex and companionship for about a month. He remarked how things were the same between us as they were when we were dating. That's when I grew a conscience. I knew he wanted to get back together and I didn't. I felt like he was settling for crumbs and he would have continued to do so. I couldn't do it anymore and cut off the hanging out and the physical. I am not saying this is what is happening in your friendship. I have no idea. Do what you do on your own terms. |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Sept 12, 2018 23:32:57 GMT
yeah, just do you. he likes you. i don't know all about him and his whole story but he shows up for you in ways you like. he responds well when you are in your power. (like when you were generous and large-hearted about his time this past weekend instead of little and triggered) you may have created a lot of problems for yourself by being small and not owning your space. he has to to show up worthy, but if you keep acting like you aren't worthy then you will suffer, not him. don't do that to yourself any more you are a grown- ass woman with a real life. own your space dammit. lol. , I have to second this. Do it if you like it, and if you are satisfied with the situation. Don't do it because you are settling for crumbs. I am not proud to say that after I broke up with my ex, I used him for sex and companionship for about a month. He remarked how things were the same between us as they were when we were dating. That's when I grew a conscience. I knew he wanted to get back together and I didn't. I felt like he was settling for crumbs and he would have continued to do so. I couldn't do it anymore and cut off the hanging out and the physical. I am not saying this is what is happening in your friendship. I have no idea. Do what you do on your own terms. well thats the thing Mary, maybe he is just using me, maybe not. My gut says no, but... he does know I want to still be together even though he keeps saying he wants us to be what he calls regular friends. I guess what I discern from just using me for sex and companionship, to generally wanting to still be with me is how he will check in when I'm sick, take me to the hospital when sick, text daily just about anything or a funny article, come over just to fix things around the house and not even try for sex... i dont know, the fact that it's been a year and a half since he broke up with me and he still hasn't even tried to date others and keeps tabs on me. I guess I go by those things, perhaps I am a fool, but I love him a lot and know that we aren't just our attachment styles as pointed out by alexandra in the other post. I think he is very out of touch with his feelings and thinks that a disclosure telling me where he is at, protects him from any accountability. That I do take issue with ,so for me, I think stating that while i can work with what we have and find some peace, i need to know for now its exclusive. That does concern me he will bail, but in the end, my comfort needs to be considered and it historically has not been at all |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2018 0:12:51 GMT
kristyrose , I have to second this. Do it if you like it, and if you are satisfied with the situation. Don't do it because you are settling for crumbs. I am not proud to say that after I broke up with my ex, I used him for sex and companionship for about a month. He remarked how things were the same between us as they were when we were dating. That's when I grew a conscience. I knew he wanted to get back together and I didn't. I felt like he was settling for crumbs and he would have continued to do so. I couldn't do it anymore and cut off the hanging out and the physical. I am not saying this is what is happening in your friendship. I have no idea. Do what you do on your own terms. well thats the thing Mary, maybe he is just using me, maybe not. My gut says no, but... he does know I want to still be together even though he keeps saying he wants us to be what he calls regular friends. I guess what I discern from just using me for sex and companionship, to generally wanting to still be with me is how he will check in when I'm sick, take me to the hospital when sick, text daily just about anything or a funny article, come over just to fix things around the house and not even try for sex... i dont know, the fact that it's been a year and a half since he broke up with me and he still hasn't even tried to date others and keeps tabs on me. I guess I go by those things, perhaps I am a fool, but I love him a lot and know that we aren't just our attachment styles as pointed out by alexandra in the other post. I think he is very out of touch with his feelings and thinks that a disclosure telling me where he is at, protects him from any accountability. That I do take issue with ,so for me, I think stating that while i can work with what we have and find some peace, i need to know for now its exclusive. That does concern me he will bail, but in the end, my comfort needs to be considered and it historically has not been at all Perhaps "using" was too strong of a word, even in my case. I do think he likes and cares about you as I do for my ex. For me, it was more the thinking that I was getting what I wanted and I didn't have to give him what he wanted and he was ok with it (but I knew he wanted more). We had more for 3 years, but my feelings towards him changed and I knew his hadn't. It's hard to articulate. I felt if I didn't cut it off, we would have gone on like that for quite a while. Sometimes I feel like we could go back to that at any time. I guess I am just saying, watch out for YOU! Get what you need and want. It's all good if both parties are actually happy and not just sticking around hoping something will develop. |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Sept 13, 2018 0:29:54 GMT
@mary,
Is this in regards to your most recent ex or someone else?
I guess for me personally, when my feelings change for someone I cannot carry on as we were even for companionship just because the desire to do so isn't there. I suppose for him it could be very different and he can feel very little but still act the same as we did.
It's confusing and worrisome
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2018 1:26:48 GMT
@mary , Is this in regards to your most recent ex or someone else? I guess for me personally, when my feelings change for someone I cannot carry on as we were even for companionship just because the desire to do so isn't there. I suppose for him it could be very different and he can feel very little but still act the same as we did. It's confusing and worrisome Yes, my most recent ex and the strongest dating attachment I have had in my life. It has been a very confusing bag for me, because I am more aware and more in touch, but still old habits die hard. For me , it was this feeling that I don't want him long term but I also don't want someone else to have him either. This is different for me, because this means there is still some remnant of feeling for him, not total indifference, but it's still not enough. It's still there but I am controlling it, because I know it's not fair. I didn't want to lose the companionship. Companionship is not entirely devoid of feeling or caring and it's not just about sex, but it's not about building a life with someone either. He was once someone I thought I could build a future with, but now, I can just enjoy his company and then go on and do something else. Hatred is not the enemy, indifference is. |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Sept 13, 2018 1:34:48 GMT
@mary , Is this in regards to your most recent ex or someone else? I guess for me personally, when my feelings change for someone I cannot carry on as we were even for companionship just because the desire to do so isn't there. I suppose for him it could be very different and he can feel very little but still act the same as we did. It's confusing and worrisome Yes, my most recent ex and the strongest dating attachment I have had in my life. It has been a very confusing bag for me, because I am more aware and more in touch, but still old habits die hard. For me , it was this feeling that I don't want him long term but I also don't want someone else to have him either. This is different for me, because this means there is still some remnant of feeling for him, not total indifference, but it's still not enough. It's still there but I am controlling it, because I know it's not fair. I didn't want to lose the companionship. Companionship is not entirely devoid of feeling or caring and it's not just about sex, but it's not about building a life with someone either. He was once someone I thought I could build a future with, but now, I can just enjoy his company and then go on and do something else. Hatred is not the enemy, indifference is. Indeed as hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is. well perhaps my ex feels similar to you. at one point he said he saw a future with us, but after we broke up said we didn't yet hasn't let go at all and says things like "we have a long life ahead" of course as friends. I pointed out that once we start seeing others we will not see each other, he stated that once those relationships end, we can go back to hanging out more. It's hard for me to understand how he is feeling and maybe hard for him as well. his longest relationship in his entire life at 46 is 2 years, we have been the longest, but to me, that means not so much. I think his fear of being close will forever be present as long as he stays convinced he will find someone perfect to take away his ambivalence. I feel like once he decided im not perfect, it was easy to break up, a relief, yet at times he even seems confused as to why he can't move on. So I think making declarations like us being "regular friends" despite not behaving such serve to soothe his confusion. |
|
