How common is fearful-avoidant style? Here's what I found

I've been thinking about this a lot too. I test as FA leaning towards AP, but the rarity and some descriptions of the style have made me question it. I don’t relate much to the push-pull-behaviour, at least not on a conscious level, but many other traits of the style feel very familiar, especially the negative view of self and others and being fearful and indecisive in relationships.
Hard to trust anyone (or myself), hard to get close to people and let them close to me. Very hard to get into relationships (experiencing my first real one in late 20s). Childhood experiences sound familiar, too, and I've had my share of mental problems associated with FA style. I believe my mother is also FA.

It needs to be remembered that attachment theory is a theory. There are no truths out there, only lots of contradictory information. Not all sources are reliable and based on research or clinical experience. I don’t really trust the tests either. The questions can be interpreted in so many ways. For example, things like intimacy and being close to someone mean very different things to different people.


There also seems to be a lot of confusion between dynamic and style. Is attachment style a style at all, or always a dynamic? Is it something that exists in a person as a result of their childhood attachments or something that develops between two people? Do we only get attached to people who enable us to participate in a certain dynamic and lose interest in them if they don’t? I think there is no point in defining a "style" if it can change from relationship to another. A dynamic changes, a style doesn’t (if there aren’t some major life events or conscious effort to do so). If there is a such a thing as a stable style - and let’s assume there is - I believe it is defined by how much you need intimacy, what kind of partners you feel attracted to and how you generally view yourself, your partners and your relationships.


That being said, I’m not that sure about the theory of DAs becoming anxious when meeting someone more DA. Isn’t DA defined by the absence of anxiety? Anxiety comes from idealization of a partner and a negative view of self and it makes you chase. For DAs, the self is enough and a relationship is never a priority. If they feel their partner pulling away, they just don’t care. It’s been said that DAs don’t tend to date each other because of this. I think many of those who fluctuate between AP and DA behaviour are really either AP or FA. Maybe FA is just the “grey area” between AP and DA and they are much more common than 5 %. The usual FA description - craving intimacy and pulling away from it in the same relationship - seems to be rare, but is it really the only way to experience the FA style? Doesn’t the need to push and pull depend on the partner? If you are with another avoidant, your anxious side is more dominant and you feel no need to pull away, but it doesn't mean your style can’t be anxious avoidant (FA). But your anxiety keeps you hooked. This has been the case with me and my DA(/FA?) partner.

In this case, many FAs may actually be confused with APs. People often ask what is the difference between FAs and DAs and they get compared to each other, as if the avoidant side was more dominant in FAs and they had more in common with DAs. FAs have anxiety, too, and they may become very dependent, just like APs. I find it confusing that some texts describe APs as being clingy, dramatic, calling you all the time and always asking for reassurance and attention, but some texts say APs tend to hide their needs, be ashamed of them and ask for too little in their relationships because they believe their needs can't be met. This is a clear difference between activity (vulnerability) and passivity (fear of vulnerability) and in my opinion, they can't be in the same attachment style, because the former sees others as available and the latter sees others as unavailable. They are completely different ways of relating. Maybe this is actually the difference between AP and FA? FAs can’t be vulnerable so they deny and hide their needs (avoidant trait), but they don’t feel comfortable that way (anxious trait).


I think many APs can handle real intimacy and so they sometimes pair with secures. APs can also be anxious with secures, too, because some secures want less intimacy than them. But for FAs, the intimacy of secures may be too much because secures tend to want more intimacy than them (as shown in the avoidance-anxiety-axis). Push-pull may ensue, or maybe it just ends before it begins (come to think of it, I think I may have pushed and pulled and given mixed signals with secures... until I've ended it or they've given up). Now that you said it, FAs really have nothing in common with secures. They share the avoidance with DAs and anxiety with APs but secures just feel like aliens to FAs. Someone who is available and not anxious, positive with themselves and others – what is that?! I can confirm all my friends are some sort of insecures, and at least two of them are probably also FA. I remember feeling a strange connection to these FA friends immediately when I met them, and they have said the same about me.
Sometimes I wonder if my boyfriend is FA, too. He seems mainly DA but sometimes he's just too self-critical, people-pleasing and fragile to really be a DA.

The link given by happyidiot in the previous message as well as this text describe well the kind of FA style I'm talking about: the-love-compass.com/2013/09/17/the-fearful-avoidant-attachment-style/