Issues with physical intimacy Oct 26, 2018 5:21:21 GMT
Post by leavethelighton on Oct 26, 2018 5:21:21 GMT
I've got to figure out a better path to better physical intimacy. I fantasize a lot about non-partners and have a hard time getting into actually wanting physical intimacy with my actual partner (of about 15 years). Some of the issues:
- Whenever I think about or try to engage in physical intimacy, I end up engaging in various distancing behaviors (ex. criticism, focusing on their turn offs, picking fights, thinking about the negative, etc.) which gets in the way.
- I'd like a more physically intimate relationship in theory, but I'm not sure how to want it in reality when it seems so much more fulfilling and less complicated to escape into some fantasy by myself instead. I engage in fantasies about real or imaginary people who look pretty much the opposite of my partner which reinforces the problem. I recognize intellectually that my issues would probably NOT be solved by being with a different partner though. I think I probably have unrealistic desires or just don't understand sexual desire outside of fantasy-based desire or some similar complexity. I'm also realize that even if my partner looked like my fantasy person looks some other psychological barrier would probably arise.
- Our ability to communicate/talk about intimacy is very lacking. I guess we're both afraid of rejection or hurting/getting hurt by the conversation.
- Having kids (years ago) has also kind of wrecked whatever sex-drive I had before kids (other than engaging in fantasy).
It's like we're stuck in some sort of holding pattern that we don't know how to get out of. What should I do? I mean how do you cultivate desire when your psyche is just throwing up barriers left and right? I don't really want to fake it, or divorce, and polyamory sounds too complicated and time-consuming. I want to figure out how to actually desire physical intimacy with the person I married and then make it happen.