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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2018 15:28:21 GMT
as you may have read, i am embarking on what feels like a really good mutually efforted and very enjoyable relationship, with a secure/ap leaning man.
very soon into this involvement i have become very ill with a peritonisllar abcess which is serious, even life threatening- and after seeking treatment a couple times at urgent care i was finally admitted to the ER for the largest abcess they have seen- i was in excruciating pain and very sick. i posted through that on narcotics lol. but i think what i said was on point.
this man has been wonderful to me, sensitive and caring and also respectful of what i have shared about my own journey through dismissive attachment. i am thankful! i am happy.
i am a little bit triggered . it will seem like no big deal, perhaps. but it has signaled a protection mechanism in me , reminding me i think inappropriately of some very hard interactions from very unhealthy previous partners.
i would appreciate some talking down. or just honest advice.
i have been incapacitated, and he took me into his home to care for me as i recover from the abcess, continuing infection, and resultant lack of sleep and narcotic use. i feel terrible and while i don't have pain from abcess, i have incisional pain, headache, and am still suffering drenching night sweats that are multiiple times a night and miserable.
ive been mostly happy, but i am feeling down and worn out. i feel like a burden. my period started last night and my back aches. i feel vulnerable and incapable. he's been taking care of my kids providing food, and rides to school. i know it's a lot die early on in a relationship but it happened this way and i simply don't know what i would have done without him. i don't. i'm strong but not that strong incessantly.
heres my stupid problem. i was in my phone this morning trying to distract myself and communicate in this forum, and also with some clients.
he was busy taking care of my awful pile of soaked sheets and getting the kids to school. he was fine with it, and not acting stressed.
then he said " i'm having a hard time understanding the phone thing." referring to my use of phone first thing and actually quite a bit since i've been sick.but mostly when he is doing other things.
we had had a conversation a day or so ago about mutually wanting to unplug a little in general, as phones take up so much space in a room, figuratively. but i felt a need to justify my involvement with my phone and as you know, that's hard for a dismissive who is used to being completely autonomous and indeed, spending much more time alone to do my own thing than i have been of late.
he wasn't rude at all, but i bristled. internally. i just explained that i didn't feel good, had some communicating i want to do, and that i would need him to be patient for that as i have felt knocked down and wanted to read and do what i felt i needed to do at the moment.
he replied with a sense of humor and snuggled me but i just feel triggered, like- what if he becomes resentful and controlling? what if he is jealous and thinks i am texting some other guy? well i know what i would do, i would try to communicate. but internally my wall went up a little.
i'm sure that i'm just feeling awful in a lot of ways, and i'm not my best self. i can't tell if this is a bad thing or what. i'm overblowing it.
he hasn't been overbearing, he's been a soldier for helping me. i think this is my issue, and i'm trying not to deactivate. we don't have a long term relationship where we know all these ins and outs with each other, we are learning, and in an intense and unusual scenario with me having had this horrible ordeal.
i just feel totally out of my element and out of control of my life and responsibilities, i feel dependent. and this tiny comment made me feel a little trapped.
i'm just trying to keep myself from spinning out and i feel a little silly for sharing it but i'm just trying to do my best to keep growing. i do get confused about what's normal. help me.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 1, 2018 15:45:40 GMT
juniper, you are doing okay! First, don't underestimate the number drugs/tapering off drugs + being exhausted + PMS/period magnification is doing on you emotionally. That's a lot of wearing down and things that amplify all manners of thought to hit you all at once. So be patient with yourself. I don't think your concerns about him getting resentful or getting jealous/ suspicious one day over your phone are justified right now. And if he was prone to that behavior, he's also in charge of managing himself about it if you're not giving him any actual reason to feel that way. Which you aren't. It sounds to me like you use your phone to create some space for yourself. Maybe to "leave" his house while you can't. It sounds like he's saying he feels like you're using it to disconnect and zone out maybe more than you were before or at least more than he would prefer. Maybe he's afraid it would become increasingly habitual for you. Either way, he spoke to you about it directly and told you how he felt and what he needs and left it to you to figure out how to sit with that. That's healthy! Your initial instinct to communicate with him is correct. You may consider telling him you want to discuss it a little further but need to back burner it until you're feeling better so you can be fully present for the discussion. But do get back to it. It sounds like a good opportunity to tell him why you're on the phone a lot, what it's providing for you to be on the phone, and think through how much of that may be a coping mechanism for stress (and if it is, what amount of time you'd consider healthy for yourself versus overuse/unhealthy), and go from there. Tell him how you feel then both of you can figure out how both your needs may fit together.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2018 15:59:06 GMT
juniper, you are doing okay! First, don't underestimate the number drugs/tapering off drugs + being exhausted + PMS/period magnification is doing on you emotionally. That's a lot of wearing down and things that amplify all manners of thought to hit you all at once. So be patient with yourself. I don't think your concerns about him getting resentful or getting jealous/ suspicious one day over your phone are justified right now. And if he was prone to that behavior, he's also in charge of managing himself about it if you're not giving him any actual reason to feel that way. Which you aren't. It sounds to me like you use your phone to create some space for yourself. Maybe to "leave" his house while you can't. It sounds like he's saying he feels like you're using it to disconnect and zone out maybe more than you were before or at least more than he would prefer. Maybe he's afraid it would become increasingly habitual for you. Either way, he spoke to you about it directly and told you how he felt and what he needs and left it to you to figure out how to sit with that. That's healthy! Your initial instinct to communicate with him is correct. You may consider telling him you want to discuss it a little further but need to back burner it until you're feeling better so you can be fully present for the discussion. But do get back to it. It sounds like a good opportunity to tell him why you're on the phone a lot, what it's providing for you to be on the phone, and think through how much of that may be a coping mechanism for stress (and if it is, what amount of time you'd consider healthy for yourself versus overuse/unhealthy), and go from there. Tell him how you feel then both of you can figure out how both your needs may fit together. , thank you for this wise reply. i think it's all very reasonable and agree with you. the good thing is, he will take me back to my apartment today, and i i will get my car and go to a couple of work appointments i allowed into my schedule to ease back into normal. i have an easy day today and tomorrow. he works evenings the next two days and we will have some space and regrouping. we've been thrust into cohabitation through this. if he were a DA that probably would not be the case but he is very relationship-centric and offered this generosity happily, i could not and did not wish to refuse the kindness. but it does intensify an early relationship. i do need some time in my own routine and lifestyle to get back to center. that would be the case even if i were simply very ill and not even thrust into someone else's routine and environment. i think i can keep from deactivating and stay present and balanced, if i just talk it out. like i'm doin here. and our conversation about this was so mutual and we were in agreement. i could see where he might mistakenly think i might have been insincere or that he would be facing what many unhappy partners face- unavailability and distraction. i get that. i will make sure he knows how much i want to connect with him and that i am simply having a hard time with myself at the moment. i do use my phone to escape if i am unable to have enough solitude. the solitude i have had has been sleeping or feeling too weak to even use the phone. it's just a weird situation. i've been in his care a lot lately and i'm so thankful just very much out of my normal. how strange, but it's going to be ok. i feel awful that i can't return his generosity and care. i feel like i can't reciprocate. yet. i just feel a little bad about how much he has done without me being able to give back. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2018 16:03:24 GMT
and i also feel it was healthy for him to bring it up the way he did, because we DO want to be open and assertive and communicate so we can be a good team.
he is in a high leadership position in law enforcement and he is well accustomed both empathy and boundaries, actually. i see in him a beautiful balance of compassion and strong leadership. my friends have known him many many years and he is known for his kindness and leadership. i see that in this relationship as well.
but there for a minute i was just triggered into thoughts of very controlling and jealous and manipulative behavior that had me dangerously imprisoned, in real life, in the past! note to self: this is not THAT.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 1, 2018 16:12:23 GMT
juniper, don't forget that building a healthy relationship over time means sometimes one partner is not at 100% and needs some help from the other, but other times the opposite will be true and you'll eventually have the opportunity to also show up for him. That's one of the reasons healthy relationships can be better than being alone, because it does provide a bit of a buffer or safety net when life gets overwhelming for just one person to handle, whether because of illness or death or whatever. I can understand why you're thinking of it a little transactionally right now, don't want to feel a burden especially during early days when you haven't yet "proved" reciprocation to him. That's an insecurely attached struggle. You're both in this right now because you both want to be, so you are not being a burden. You're just being human, and life sometimes lobs the less glamorous side of that at people.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 1, 2018 16:12:40 GMT
And feel better  |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2018 16:25:05 GMT
juniper , don't forget that building a healthy relationship over time means sometimes one partner is not at 100% and needs some help from the other, but other times the opposite will be true and you'll eventually have the opportunity to also show up for him. That's one of the reasons healthy relationships can be better than being alone, because it does provide a bit of a buffer or safety net when life gets overwhelming for just one person to handle, whether because of illness or death or whatever. I can understand why you're thinking of it a little transactionally right now, don't want to feel a burden especially during early days when you haven't yet "proved" reciprocation to him. That's an insecurely attached struggle. You're both in this right now because you both want to be, so you are not being a burden. You're just being human, and life sometimes lobs the less glamorous side of that at people. you're exactly right. i know i'd be feeling a bit more balanced if i didn't just feel like shit generally. and, i can remember that the reason he is so attracted to me is because of how i show up, who he has seen me to be in a variety of stressful situations. he's got a lot of respect for me, and i for him. i think we are a good match, and i just need to be ok with letting a strong man help a strong woman out for a minute and we will be back to the fun we were having a few days ago. already i feel a little better getting ready for work while he sleeps. i am not at the top of my game but i'm not in the sidelines either thank you so much alexandra. !!! |
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liz
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Post by liz on Nov 1, 2018 22:51:25 GMT
First, congrats on a successful operation, getting healthier and on your way to a speedy recovery. Here's my 2 cents as a secure - I do think he minds... a little, as he spoke up about it. Understandably, it might sound like a protest and could be triggering. Here's where it's important to be objective and try to see if his protest is fair - i.e. to weigh how much time you've stayed this way, i.e. cut off from him vs how much quality couple time you've had together throughout the ordeal. As any bid for attention could come across as demanding or manipulative, it is important to mute such thoughts within oneself as they may lead to resentment, even unsaid it can be felt, and start to affect the dynamic between couples, leading to a negative spiral. It is tricky to balance all of these conflicting thoughts, so I usually resort to the concept of the "Love Bank" to keep a certain perspective on the relationship. A friend who went to couples counseling was the one who first taught it to me. It is not to be confused with being calculative, or keeping score, not at all, but to offer some type of metrics for something as intangible as keeping and feeding loving exchange in a couples' dynamics as it isn't always instinctive for many of us. The principle is to keep the Love Bank going strong by staying in positive territory, i.e. to try to deposit more than to withdraw from the Bank. Deposits are words and deeds of love, attention, care and kindness. Withdrawals are any words or deeds that make the partner feels the opposite. He has placed a huge deposit for the past few days, it would be great to put in some deposits too, for him, to keep the positive spiral going.
However, the point is not to feel indebted or a burden, but expressing thanks and graciously allow the partner the opportunity to deposit and do his or her part to build the Bank. The opportunity will arise for the other's turn, probably sooner than later.
In this instance, I might feel sensitive to his bid for attention, I'd mute any internal discomfort, put down the phone and offer him a long, loving hug..."I'm sorry babe, I was so engrossed, I seem to have forgotten about you! I still need 10 min to finish texting, how about you find us a relaxing feel-good movie and we can watch it together when I'm done?" etc...to keep the positive spiraling forward. Good luck and good loving! |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 1, 2018 23:02:32 GMT
Hugs! Hope you feel better juniper I have no idea, but one thing maybe that will help you that my sister told me is that "you are committing to your partner each and every day anew". So remember that you are always and will always be in control of yourself no matter what, and use your confidence in those two things to help you live day by day with joy and thankfulness. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2018 23:04:21 GMT
First, congrats on a successful operation, getting healthier and on your way to a speedy recovery. Here's my 2 cents as a secure - I do think he minds... a little, as he spoke up about it. Understandably, it might sound like a protest and could be triggering. Here's where it's important to be objective and try to see if his protest is fair - i.e. to weigh how much time you've stayed this way, i.e. cut off from him vs how much quality couple time you've had together throughout the ordeal. As any bid for attention could come across as demanding or manipulative, it is important to mute such thoughts within oneself as they may lead to resentment, even unsaid it can be felt, and start to affect the dynamic between couples, leading to a negative spiral. It is tricky to balance all of these conflicting thoughts, so I usually resort to the concept of the "Love Bank" to keep a certain perspective on the relationship. A friend who went to couples counseling was the one who first taught it to me. It is not to be confused with being calculative, or keeping score, not at all, but to offer some type of metrics for something as intangible as keeping and feeding loving exchange in a couples' dynamics as it isn't always instinctive for many of us. The principle is to keep the Love Bank going strong by staying in positive territory, i.e. to try to deposit more than to withdraw from the Bank. Deposits are words and deeds of love, attention, care and kindness. Withdrawals are any words or deeds that make the partner feels the opposite. He has placed a huge deposit for the past few days, it would be great to put in some deposits too, for him, to keep the positive spiral going. In this instance, I might feel sensitive to his bid for attention, I'd mute any internal discomfort, put down the phone and offer him a long, loving hug..."I'm sorry babe, I was so engrossed, I seem to have forgotten about you! I still need 10 min to finish texting, how about you find us a relaxing feel-good movie and we can watch it together when I'm done?" etc...to keep the positive spiraling forward. Good luck and good loving! i think this is great feedback, and i appreciate it. as it was, i was using my phone when he was busy with the demands of taking care of the soaked sheets and getting ready to take the kids to school. i was just kind of passing time not feeling good and he walked into the room and said that, so it didn't really seem like a bid. i wasn't sure what it was! however, after letting him sleep a couple hours while i shared here and then took a bath to try to feel better and not so gross generally, i climbed up into the bed as he awoke and we were both in a super sweet space. it turns out, he felt so bad for me having to go so strong for so long with no help against overwhelming stressors. he thought i was pushing myself to take care of business and things on the phone, (i run my business and handle all my stuff on my smartphone ). He had witnessed the agony of what i had been through and how sick i was, how flattened and tired, he simply wanted me to take time just FOR ME. so he misunderstood what i was doing. he meant to shield me from myself actually, the juniper taking care of everything when she can hardly move. he's seen it before. so he was being protective and quite caring. he just wanted to help me make a space around myself to rest and do nothing important and didn't realize that is exactly what i was trying to do. i explained that i was actually reading some news, communicating a bit, and otherwise just distracting myself as one might do with a television (i don't watch tv, for some reason it has no appeal and i myself have not owned one for years. he has televisions but i don't become involved with them, instead i will read or putter around on the internet a little. so, we actually had a great talk and some cuddles and laughing, and we came away from it both satisfied with the understanding that we would like to continue be present in the way that we have been, and that i just had a shitty couple days and i'm filling space sometimes with my phone. it's all good. i really did get a little apprehensive about possible protest behavior and i've experienced some of the worst of the worst of that in the past over such a thing. i felt like just retreating mentally at the thought of it. but it worked out really good and that concern has been eliminated. yay. it's a new relationship and we are learning each other. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2018 23:06:22 GMT
Hugs! Hope you feel better juniper I have no idea, but one thing maybe that will help you that my sister told me is that "you are committing to your partner each and every day anew". So remember that you are always and will always be in control of yourself no matter what, and use your confidence in those two things to help you live day by day with joy and thankfulness. love this! and i feel after all, such a profound mutual respect, every time he and i have an opportunity to talk about something like this. i am truly so thankful for how he is with me. i am still developing trust and getting to know his ways. but he hasn't disappointed, or given me any reason to doubt his deep care and respect. it's really neat to be experiencing this. |
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liz
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Post by liz on Nov 1, 2018 23:09:00 GMT
That's awesome juniper, this sounds like such a good thing going. More hugs, more love talk, more openness, you both appear to have just taken it to another level. It's great how you're letting him take care of you and enjoying being at the receiving end for a change. He seems good as gold for you and exactly what the doctor ordered.  |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2018 23:14:33 GMT
That's awesome juniper, this sounds like such a good thing going. More hugs, more love talk, more openness, you both appear to have just taken it to another level. He seems good as gold and exactly what the doctor ordered. thank you! i would agree with your assessment here, i told him the same thing. i admire him. he has a very similar communication style as me and i find we are able to be so candid while expressing ourselves in both tenderness and honesty, and what we are really thinking and feeling. i do feel we are quite simpatico! so, i expressed my appreciation for his way with me, for the wonderful care he has taken, and for sharing his perspectives about all this. and, i let him know i am happy to keep growing in my ability to be a good partner. he returns those sentiments wholeheartedly and it's just super rewarding to have this kind of rapport this early on. |
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Post by liz on Nov 1, 2018 23:19:52 GMT
thank you! i would agree with your assessment here, i told him the same thing. i admire him. he has a very similar communication style as me and i find we are able to be so candid while expressing ourselves in both tenderness and honesty, and what we are really thinking and feeling. i do feel we are quite simpatico! so, i expressed my appreciation for his way with me, for the wonderful care he has taken, and for sharing his perspectives about all this. and, i let him know i am happy to keep growing in my ability to be a good partner. he returns those sentiments wholeheartedly and it's just super rewarding to have this kind of rapport this early on. Isn't it liberating to be able to talk so candidly because of the trust between you?
It isn't easy for someone like you who have been taking care of others, who is so independent to depend on a lover, but instead of worrying about being a "burden", he really just wants you to "bask" in his love effort. Every smile and look of tenderness from you makes him feel it's more than worth his while. His efforts are rewarding for him. He takes pride in being able to start to build a Love Bank for the two of you, and you should be proud of yourself for letting him have the honor.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2018 23:27:33 GMT
thank you! i would agree with your assessment here, i told him the same thing. i admire him. he has a very similar communication style as me and i find we are able to be so candid while expressing ourselves in both tenderness and honesty, and what we are really thinking and feeling. i do feel we are quite simpatico! so, i expressed my appreciation for his way with me, for the wonderful care he has taken, and for sharing his perspectives about all this. and, i let him know i am happy to keep growing in my ability to be a good partner. he returns those sentiments wholeheartedly and it's just super rewarding to have this kind of rapport this early on. Isn't it liberating to be able to talk so candidly because of the trust between you?
It isn't easy for someone like you who have been taking care of others, who is so independent to depend on a lover, but instead of worrying about being a "burden", he really just wants you to "bask" in his love effort. Every smile and look of tenderness from you makes him feel it's more than worth his while. His efforts are rewarding for him. He takes pride in being able to start to build a Love Bank for the two of you, and you should be proud of yourself for letting him have the honor.
you've read him very well. when he first approached me to tell me his attraction for me, he said: " I love who and what you are as a person. Your love and dedication to our friend (whom i cared for as she was dying) is unprecedented, the highest love, and you did more for her than many could bear to do. You're an amazing woman and i want to just love and take care of you. " his reaction to my wish that i could reciprocate was just what you've said... " let me take care of you, your appreciation and presence and allowing me to do this for you is enough. we'll get through this. i just want you to be healthy and happy again. " so yeah; this is a new chapter and i'm loving this, very thankful. and so glad i am able to do this- this forum has been huge in terms of my attachment recovery. |
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