Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2018 14:43:21 GMT
I’m in a bit of a spot.
Ex and I broke up a couple of weeks ago for good, and since then I’ve been getting a lot of insights into what I need to do to grow - including not having him in my life so that I have no “safety net” and therefore MUST grow up to be an independent strong aligned adult. Being with him was great because we complemented each other’s strengths and weaknesses eg he was great with finance which I am not, and I was great at psychology but he was not. but it was also very anxiety inducing for me because I often felt like if he left me after an extended period of time together which I’ve depended on him for too Long, I would be hopeless by myself and life would be worse because I’ve trusted him to care for me in certain ways and I would suffer greatly for that trust if it was discontinued in the future.
Anyways, as much as I know it’s better broken up in the sense that life is more peaceful (no more triggered states and constant crying) and that I need to do the work to become secure, I still feel these waves of “omg I can’t find this level of connection again” and “I wish we can try again now that we’ve time apart”. It’s like I’ve forgotten how terrible I felt and how difficult the situation (LDR) was for me!
I can’t tell if this is just AP tendencies or that it’s genuine interest in getting back together or what it is. I’m not contacting him at all unless it’s a clear indication that I do want this rship for the right reasons.
I’m curious if you all have similar experiences and what do you do?
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Nov 29, 2018 16:49:55 GMT
I’m not in this exact experience- I learned about my attachment and insecurities in a conversation with a distant ex but also came to find I have a lot of that same growing up to do even now while I’m in a secure marriage.
I first want to say congrats on your willingness to do the work. There is a lot for me and I am struggling in it almost everyday, it has been 9+ months for me. Very often I wish I could do this 100% on my own. I have a lot of fears and insecurities and I know I need to find my independence. That is hard to do in the context of another person and with children.
This is just my opinion- take it or leave it as it is surely reflective of my own current experiences which aren’t yours. I think you can recognize that you miss your partner. That you can identify now where your struggles lie and what you need to work on and how you might be different, but you also need time to do that work- without him. So that whatever relationship you are in in the future- be it him or someone else- you have established that framework on your own. Being with a secure partner is great- I am and it has been a life saver in many ways. But I am still insecure. I need to be secure on my own- not with someone. It’s not the same and I wish I would have learned that before.
Give yourself time to heal the real wounds that drive you and create new ways of seeing, loving, and validating yourself.
But then again— that’s just what I am working on. There maybe others who have been able to do that in the context of a AP-DA relationship.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2018 23:08:29 GMT
I’m not in this exact experience- I learned about my attachment and insecurities in a conversation with a distant ex but also came to find I have a lot of that same growing up to do even now while I’m in a secure marriage. I first want to say congrats on your willingness to do the work. There is a lot for me and I am struggling in it almost everyday, it has been 9+ months for me. Very often I wish I could do this 100% on my own. I have a lot of fears and insecurities and I know I need to find my independence. That is hard to do in the context of another person and with children. This is just my opinion- take it or leave it as it is surely reflective of my own current experiences which aren’t yours. I think you can recognize that you miss your partner. That you can identify now where your struggles lie and what you need to work on and how you might be different, but you also need time to do that work- without him. So that whatever relationship you are in in the future- be it him or someone else- you have established that framework on your own. Being with a secure partner is great- I am and it has been a life saver in many ways. But I am still insecure. I need to be secure on my own- not with someone. It’s not the same and I wish I would have learned that before. Give yourself time to heal the real wounds that drive you and create new ways of seeing, loving, and validating yourself. But then again— that’s just what I am working on. There maybe others who have been able to do that in the context of a AP-DA relationship. I have a friend who is in one and the struggle is very very hard. They are both triggered all the time and it’s very hard on both of them. But they stay together and work at it- there is just a lot of pain every day. But they have kids and that makes them choose the more difficult path, Yes I remind myself I have to do the work and it’s just better off without him. That is the main reason for not getting back in touch. I want to be better with or without him, and it’s for the best if it’s without him. Weirdly enough, I don’t even know what I miss if the interactions are always painful. I do like him but it’s just I get hurt or triggered by certain behaviours and it has been building up over time to an implosion that I knew I have to leave him anyways. It was a very difficult decision because I don’t want to break up with him but I know I cannot stay. He also decided on his part he does not want to continue and its best to move on, so I guess we both didn’t choose the more difficult path! |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2018 20:51:59 GMT
You don't need to find your independence, you need to develop your interdependence... so do your best to lean into other relationships that aren't as all encompassing as a romantic relationship is, lean into them as much as you can and begin to develop your own identity and invest in it, allow yourself to rely on other people who prove themselves reliable and consistent. Trust me, the less connection you have in your life, the more activated your attachment style will be and the more you'll want this person as a plaster. We are hardwired for connection, and a lot of us AP types think that we need to forcibly be alone but that's really not what we need, we just need reliable connection and more of it, and actively invest in our own preferences and interests to build up a sense of self (which we often lose to the relationship). For me, it's the growing of healthy relationships that will move you to security more than anything else you do, after studying a lot about attachment theory for my clinical work, I've really come to believe that, everything else actually seems to move up in correlation with that
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 2, 2018 0:32:49 GMT
Bloom, I think you have a point there. In my experience, solitude and aloneness for long lengths of time can lead one into a wish-realm/thought-realm that just feeds into the AP mindset. I think in some cases the more you aren't trying to create healthy connections (not necessarily romantic) the more one may feel defined by their past.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2018 12:45:31 GMT
I think that’s a good point! I didn’t think of it that way but that’s given me food for thought.
I think I do have secure relationships in my life - friends mainly - but they’re all not in the same country as me (everyone moved for work). I don’t have immediate secure relationships in my physical space, and that makes me feel lonely too. So I thought I just need to learn how to deal with that because If I can’t deal with what I have right now (which is no clear secure relationships), then I attach too quickly as my salve.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2018 13:06:50 GMT
I think that’s a good point! I didn’t think of it that way but that’s given me food for thought. I think I do have secure relationships in my life - friends mainly - but they’re all not in the same country as me (everyone moved for work). I don’t have immediate secure relationships in my physical space, and that makes me feel lonely too. So I thought I just need to learn how to deal with that because If I can’t deal with what I have right now (which is no clear secure relationships), then I attach too quickly as my salve. Face-to-face interaction isn't so much a preference than it is a crucial need, and we just aren't taught that... the intimacy of touch, looking someone in the eyes, feeling someone's energised presence on you in the immediacy of the moment, there is nothing like it and technology is incredibly linear. Touch is literally emotionally regulating in a way that I think talking on the phone can never be. If you have time, give this a little watch: www.youtube.com/watch?v=31o_chpzQh8If I remember rightly Dr Siegel explains what is missing when we replace our face-to-face interaction with digital interaction. It's a genuine physical need, and we have literal withdrawal symptoms... the most obvious one, being loneliness. You get hungry when you need food, you get lonely when you need the tribe. Did you know that being lonely increases premature death by 45%? I read about it in Brene Brown's 'Braving the Wilderness' when she was talking about John Cacioppo's research into loneliness. Your feelings are totally valid, they are a symptom of a pervasive problem that our society downplays, but connection is as essential to our health as eating and drinking. I know I'm banging on a bit, but I just want you to know that your loneliness is absolutely natural given the context! I totally relate to you because I do exactly the same and it took a long time to understand what I'm doing haha - but if you can find a way to engage in more face-to-face, trust me, it will help you amazingly! I am one of those people who actually can't stand "online therapy" because it just isn't how you facilitate a safe base to create secure attachment, you really need to feel the person across from you, there's nothing like the intimacy of it (hence why so many are attracted to online relationships - the fear of intimacy isn't triggered) |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2018 13:19:03 GMT
I think that’s a good point! I didn’t think of it that way but that’s given me food for thought. I think I do have secure relationships in my life - friends mainly - but they’re all not in the same country as me (everyone moved for work). I don’t have immediate secure relationships in my physical space, and that makes me feel lonely too. So I thought I just need to learn how to deal with that because If I can’t deal with what I have right now (which is no clear secure relationships), then I attach too quickly as my salve. Face-to-face interaction isn't so much a preference than it is a crucial need, and we just aren't taught that... the intimacy of touch, looking someone in the eyes, feeling someone's energised presence on you in the immediacy of the moment, there is nothing like it and technology is incredibly linear. Touch is literally emotionally regulating in a way that I think talking on the phone can never be. If you have time, give this a little watch: www.youtube.com/watch?v=31o_chpzQh8If I remember rightly Dr Siegel explains what is missing when we replace our face-to-face interaction with digital interaction. It's a genuine physical need, and we have literal withdrawal symptoms... the most obvious one, being loneliness. You get hungry when you need food, you get lonely when you need the tribe. Did you know that being lonely increases premature death by 45%? I read about it in Brene Brown's 'Braving the Wilderness' when she was talking about John Cacioppo's research into loneliness. Your feelings are totally valid, they are a symptom of a pervasive problem that our society downplays, but connection is as essential to our health as eating and drinking. I know I'm banging on a bit, but I just want you to know that your loneliness is absolutely natural given the context! I totally relate to you because I do exactly the same and it took a long time to understand what I'm doing haha - but if you can find a way to engage in more face-to-face, trust me, it will help you amazingly! I am one of those people who actually can't stand "online therapy" because it just isn't how you facilitate a safe base to create secure attachment, you really need to feel the person across from you, there's nothing like the intimacy of it (hence why so many are attracted to online relationships - the fear of intimacy isn't triggered) Yes.. I actually wanted a lot of touch from my ex DA. The longer we were apart, the more I wanted it when we met, just so that I can feel loved, but he never liked it. Only sex in the room. He did compromise and held hands when we were out, but I always felt like I had to beg for it and that I was so undesirable, only useful for sex. It was very triggering for me. I just don’t reallt know how to build relationships that are physically present and also have touch. You can’t really touch your friends! Haha. I thought of finding fwbs but I’m still reeling from the breakup and I don’t know if I’m emotionally ok for bringing that into my life. |
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hannah
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Post by hannah on Dec 2, 2018 15:56:15 GMT
You don't need to find your independence, you need to develop your interdependence... so do your best to lean into other relationships that aren't as all encompassing as a romantic relationship is, lean into them as much as you can and begin to develop your own identity and invest in it, allow yourself to rely on other people who prove themselves reliable and consistent. Trust me, the less connection you have in your life, the more activated your attachment style will be and the more you'll want this person as a plaster. We are hardwired for connection, and a lot of us AP types think that we need to forcibly be alone but that's really not what we need, we just need reliable connection and more of it, and actively invest in our own preferences and interests to build up a sense of self (which we often lose to the relationship). For me, it's the growing of healthy relationships that will move you to security more than anything else you do, after studying a lot about attachment theory for my clinical work, I've really come to believe that, everything else actually seems to move up in correlation with that I couldn't agree more! Nothing better to build self love, self confidence for the AP, and also trust in others for the avoidant ones like me (FA). I thought also at the beginning that instead of relying on only one person (a partner) I musted rely only on me. But relying on me, on my capacity to create happiness also lies on being able to create good relationships with people who I know will be there for me. No one can be there for anyone ALL the time, so knowing that we can count on many people (not only on one partner, not only on myself) is really anxiety reducing. Well, I have a long road yet but I'm improving myself investing many time on my interests and hobbies and also on creating secure relationships (sometimes all at the same time, I mean, sharing my interests with people who have the same). The more I keep in touch with my needs and interests, the better I feel by my own and I'm starting to feel more confortable around people also as I'm confident I have value and interesting things to share (the sense of self that bloom juste mentioned). |
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