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Post by sissyk on Dec 9, 2018 17:55:16 GMT
I'm guessing that is a reference to my post. I get an FA is experiencing the situation as overwhelming. I have experienced panic attacks over the years. I get the horror of a out of control nervous system. But honest question: this means in my sitch he is not able to send a quick text that says. Sorry...overwhelmed...nothing personal... done. My FA did put himself out there on a dating site where he contacted me first and while I was maybe more hopeful, he did send very mixed signals as I have detailed. Can't empathy and a responsibility to behave kindly go two ways even when people are in pain? Wouldn't he feel better to not ghost when he looks himself in the mirror? Again...honest questions. I think that pain inherently reduces ones capacity for empathy and kindness in all contexts, not just relationships, because pain is your body saying "I'm being hurt, do something to stop it NOW" Honest question....is the extension of that I am in pain...the other person must have caused it so they are the enemy/a forcefield I must run from?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2018 17:58:53 GMT
I think that pain inherently reduces ones capacity for empathy and kindness in all contexts, not just relationships, because pain is your body saying "I'm being hurt, do something to stop it NOW" Honest question....is the extension of that I am in pain...the other person must have caused it so they are the enemy/a forcefield I must run from? Actually, you are sort of the cause in an FA's mind. There's a lot of shame, fear, loss, and pain involved... and whether you like it or not, you chose someone incapable of being able to show up for themselves in an honest way, let alone other people
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Post by epicgum on Dec 9, 2018 18:05:54 GMT
I think that pain inherently reduces ones capacity for empathy and kindness in all contexts, not just relationships, because pain is your body saying "I'm being hurt, do something to stop it NOW" Honest question....is the extension of that I am in pain...the other person must have caused it so they are the enemy/a forcefield I must run from? The book "Attached" describes "avoidantly attached" people treating close romantic partners as "the enemy," but personally i dont know that I ever felt that way. There was an irrational feeling sometimes that my partner was toxic/dangerous/going to destroy me.
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Post by sissyk on Dec 9, 2018 18:18:14 GMT
Are FAs able to be friends with xs or are they still giving off a forcefield of dangerous vibes? Or does the lack of commitment or expectations make it safer?
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Post by epicgum on Dec 9, 2018 18:49:23 GMT
Are FAs able to be friends with xs or are they still giving off a forcefield of dangerous vibes? Or does the lack of commitment or expectations make it safer? Lack of commitment is way better i think. But might become anxious.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 9, 2018 20:09:50 GMT
Are FAs able to be friends with xs or are they still giving off a forcefield of dangerous vibes? Or does the lack of commitment or expectations make it safer? From what I have gathered..at least from my own experience..is that the removal of relational expectations provides a bit of a safe haven....B can come and go as he chooses..when it is convenient. He still has his moments when we have a really good time and then walks up afterwards...but I try to not react to those...knowing that he will return to center. To that end, I truly wish I had not fallen so very hard for him...the moment that switch went off in me, our dynamic was unfortunately bound to fail, because everything was personal and everything meant something and i dissected every word and encounter and silence. Being friends with him now means having to be aware of all of that and then sit in the struggle and remind myself that the struggle is mine and mine alone. B owes me nothing and I do love him and want the best for him.
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Post by mrob on Dec 9, 2018 22:52:37 GMT
Are FAs able to be friends with xs or are they still giving off a forcefield of dangerous vibes? Or does the lack of commitment or expectations make it safer? Lack of commitment is way better i think. But might become anxious. You need to be sure that you can do that without any covert expectations, otherwise the push/pull dynamic will really kick off.
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Post by mrob on Dec 9, 2018 23:06:41 GMT
[Honest question....is the extension of that I am in pain...the other person must have caused it so they are the enemy/a forcefield I must run from? I seemingly always get to a point where I feel I just cannot give them what they want. I know from experience, if I don’t stand up, things escalate quickly and I’ll end up conforming entirely to someone else’s agenda and in a situation I don’t want.
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Post by epicgum on Dec 9, 2018 23:33:16 GMT
[Honest question....is the extension of that I am in pain...the other person must have caused it so they are the enemy/a forcefield I must run from? I seemingly always get to a point where I feel I just cannot give them what they want. I know from experience, if I don’t stand up, things escalate quickly and I’ll end up conforming entirely to someone else’s agenda and in a situation I don’t want. mrob is it true that you'll end up conforming to someone elses agenda, or is it just in yout head? Ie. Do you know that you won't be able to say "no" to a situation that is bad for you, or are you just afraid that you won't be able to?
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Post by sissyk on Dec 10, 2018 0:41:41 GMT
I seemingly always get to a point where I feel I just cannot give them what they want. I know from experience, if I don’t stand up, things escalate quickly and I’ll end up conforming entirely to someone else’s agenda and in a situation I don’t want. mrob is it true that you'll end up conforming to someone elses agenda, or is it just in yout head? Ie. Do you know that you won't be able to say "no" to a situation that is bad for you, or are you just afraid that you won't be able to? My 2 cents here. This sound like you are reacting to another's agenda, instead of setting your own. Is that part of the typical dynamic? Again, just groping towards understanding..... As the other half, I think we end up in exhausted confusion initiating these talks to try to clarify the blurry, confusing, mystery mutual agenda.....
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 10, 2018 0:48:37 GMT
sissyk I kind of hope your guy does eventually show up to...something. Explain or apologize or something other than forever ghosting. Maybe some people need more than a couple of weeks to come back around. epicgum, good point though. Sometimes when it's about pain, all bets are off. People do the best they are capable of.
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 10, 2018 1:02:33 GMT
Im kind of sad my FA/DA guy probably thought I had some agenda when I was just trying to give my love freely to him. I know its not about me/not intentional but it still makes one bummed out when I had no agenda.
Im still going to have to face his circle back, I know he will come it will just take longer for the circle back this round I think. Or the fact hes all up in my social media, dont want to talk to me but hes watching me...
My heart sincerely hurts for you all that you cant feel what I feel as a secure and you feel such pain/fear. I dont know what its like, well I do a teeny tiny bit as he triggered thoughts/feelings of fear/abandonment/anxiousness in me. In all my years Ive never felt this way. I dont ever want to feel that again...
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 10, 2018 4:47:04 GMT
Are FAs able to be friends with xs or are they still giving off a forcefield of dangerous vibes? Or does the lack of commitment or expectations make it safer? I can say my DA ex has been more comfortable for the past year w no commitment between us. Though I def don’t see him as happy or fulfilled as he was before he shut down and broke up with me.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2018 9:31:51 GMT
Has he ever said that a theme in his relationships is that he feels "trapped"? I know that my FA was like that.. he had a fear of domestic life, but says he still wishes he could have it... it sounds like he saw his friends settling down, and suddenly became wide awake to his own discomfort in trying to even get near a life like that, and when he was drunk once, he told me that he hated how his friends were under the thumbs of controlling partners and he'd never want to be like that. I met his Mum a couple of times... she was really dismissive, and didn't even say hello to me. It was super weird, I came over, and his parents acted kind of like I wasn't in the room, there was no introduction or anything. The only thing his Mum ever said to me, was to ask me how to send an email, she said "you might be able to help me with this, how do I do this?" Really weird. The house felt super uncomfortable, with no love in it, just tension... He tried a couple of times to tell me about his Dad's controlling nature too, but never really got himself to a place where he could tell me. Try to see that you represent something unconscious that is very scary to him, that he may not even have language for. Like in this scenario, I don't know who he was projecting onto me, but I eventually became controlling - I was trying to push my agenda through an irritation with the push and pull, and that was maybe the worst thing I could have done for me and him, but actually, it's about accepting the inevitability of those hooks, that me and him were bound to fall into that rut together, and it's a case of being strong enough in your sense of self that you accept finally that men you love can be incompatible, and you leave. Love hurts for everyone in these cases.
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Post by sissyk on Dec 10, 2018 13:33:49 GMT
Has he ever said that a theme in his relationships is that he feels "trapped"? I know that my FA was like that.. he had a fear of domestic life, but says he still wishes he could have it... it sounds like he saw his friends settling down, and suddenly became wide awake to his own discomfort in trying to even get near a life like that, and when he was drunk once, he told me that he hated how his friends were under the thumbs of controlling partners and he'd never want to be like that. I met his Mum a couple of times... she was really dismissive, and didn't even say hello to me. It was super weird, I came over, and his parents acted kind of like I wasn't in the room, there was no introduction or anything. The only thing his Mum ever said to me, was to ask me how to send an email, she said "you might be able to help me with this, how do I do this?" Really weird. The house felt super uncomfortable, with no love in it, just tension... He tried a couple of times to tell me about his Dad's controlling nature too, but never really got himself to a place where he could tell me. Try to see that you represent something unconscious that is very scary to him, that he may not even have language for. Like in this scenario, I don't know who he was projecting onto me, but I eventually became controlling - I was trying to push my agenda through an irritation with the push and pull, and that was maybe the worst thing I could have done for me and him, but actually, it's about accepting the inevitability of those hooks, that me and him were bound to fall into that rut together, and it's a case of being strong enough in your sense of self that you accept finally that men you love can be incompatible, and you leave. Love hurts for everyone in these cases. In my FA/DA case, yes! His version was he didn't want to be accountable. He told me how lonely and friendless he was. That he had not found a good friend in five years until he met me, disliked his coworkers, and that his social anxiety prevented him from approaching women, and how incredible it was that he at last found me on a dating site no less. As mentioned, he had not slept with anyone in a decade. BUT he also said he didn't want to have to be accountable to me or "report" to me if he wanted to go out for drinks with attractive coworkers and wanted to be able to "sleep with Jennifer Lopez if she propositioned him"--a joke but still. Don't fence me in, as the song goes.
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