|
|
Post by suburbanwizard on Dec 15, 2018 22:22:19 GMT
When I take tests, I score secure. In my long-term relationships, I tend to feel generally relaxed or even slightly avoidant, maybe to a fault. However in the early stages of dating, 1-3 months I tend to feel a lot more anxious if I really like the person.
When I look back on my history I can see times where I was acting anxious, almost always very early in the relationship, and times where I was acting a bit avoidant, normally a bit deeper into the relationship. Sometimes I've watched my phone waiting for a response, others I've been the one standing (unintentionally) far away from my partner and avoiding holding their hand etc. I really feel like I respond to who I am dating. I've dated an AP that brought out some DA tendencies in me, I've dated an FA that turned me into a crazy person for a month, I've dated other secure people where we both were chill and lived our lives without much issue. I am not sure I've had anything but flings with DA's.
With only maybe 3 exceptions in 37 years, if someone dumps me I am normally bummed but I move on without much trouble.
I am trying to make sense of myself.
Is this pretty standard for secure types, or could there be more to it?
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Dec 15, 2018 23:00:12 GMT
Being secure isn't a magic state of always knowing how to deal with everything correctly and maturely. It's more that you have less chaotic relationship dynamics because you have healthy boundaries and a healthy sense of who you are both as an independent and interdependent person. So, if you have relationship issues, they will actually be about the relationship and not projections from unrelated baggage, and you will likely be able to communicate those issues, accept however your partner responds in a healthier way, and have healthier coping mechanisms. It doesn't mean you'll never feel any anxiety, nervousness, eagerness, discomfort, etc., so I think what you're describing is normal enough. There's also a spectrum, so if you are dealing with someone really insecurely attached, it can make you swing a bit anxious or avoidant in response and be situational.
|
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Dec 16, 2018 0:28:36 GMT
It's more like being on a spectrum, so you can test "secure" and still have insecure features that affect the relationship. Also even if you're usually "secure," there could be situations that kind of trigger you into a less secure state of being.
Also as you say, I do think it's often in relation to the other person. I test totally differently depending on which person I am thinking about myself in relation to when I take the test.
|
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Dec 16, 2018 14:27:07 GMT
No, my avoidant totally triggered me and I test in the 2-3% range for anxious. Ive never been so triggered by someone I was dating. Even though I was triggered because Im securely attached I didnt protest, I knew better not to chase someone that wants to run, act out for attention, etc. Those are games and they dont work nor are they healthy. I sat in my anxiousness alone at the time. I was a suck it up buttercup, you'll get through this! haha Ive been emotionally bummed out when things end but just keep moving and let go... Its been 'easy' to do but my avoidant was very hard to let go of and he is still in my thoughts more than Id like. Parts of me want him back even know I know the reality of him, know better, understand my own needs, etc. Its still lingering...
If I tested with my avoidant I would of tested more AP! LOL Ive only been in secure relationships so I was way out of my element with him. We all have anxiousness in us and I think we all have some avoidance as well. People and situations trigger any of us. My avoidant side kicks in around needy clingy guys. I could not date someone so AP that me being secure would not tame it, I would totally turn avoidant natured and end it.
And there is also just being a bit anxious/nervous from newly dating, its natural, like a job interview, you may be a bit nervous and anxious but doesn't equal your an anxious person or you're triggered. Some of its a natural human reaction/emotions.
|
|
|
|
Post by suburbanwizard on Dec 16, 2018 21:03:30 GMT
Thanks for the helpful replies. I think what it comes down to is I am secure, but F/A's might be my weakness. I am actively avoiding them now, as I might not be secure enough for them.
|
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Dec 16, 2018 21:17:22 GMT
Thanks for the helpful replies. I think what it comes down to is I am secure, but F/A's might be my weakness. I am actively avoiding them now, as I might not be secure enough for them. In my path to a more secure style the difference has been marked - in that I recognise that if a situation is making me feel insecure, there's likely some kind of inconsistency or crazy making behaviour going on that does not require me to analyse, worry or fix - instead it requires me to put an emotional boundary in place are recognise that there's something amiss - depending on the ongoing situation, at the moment I have found it takes very little time for me to decide what's ok and what's not so I tend to remain in a place of security by not tolerating or becoming embroiled in a dance with an anxious or an avoidant other. Early days but I still notice the feelings of avoidance and or insecurity, but have enough of a centre myself, to recognise what's really going on and disengage or not engage in the first place! |
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Dec 16, 2018 22:58:17 GMT
Thanks for the helpful replies. I think what it comes down to is I am secure, but F/A's might be my weakness. I am actively avoiding them now, as I might not be secure enough for them. Avoidants trigger the securest people... Its what they do, its probably not that you're not secure enough.
Finding out about attachment and understanding what I was feeling soothed my anxiousness. Understanding it and why I was triggered makes me see/feel it much differently.
When mine circles back, I wont be anxious anymore like I was. I see him for who he is and understand myself. At this point I will see an avoidant for who they are if I come across another one.
It will come down to hes just triggered-circling or hes actively ready to face his trauma, start opening and willing to work together. If hes circling I will only engage in a friend way. He wont give me enough sex to even go down a FWB path so it would stay platonic. Once or twice a month is just a tease, its settling for crumb sex, Id rather go without and find someone else, I want cake not crumbs! LOL
|
|
