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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2018 0:58:22 GMT
This is just an honest confession, that I am afraid to let go of the last person I fell in love with, because they are some kind of placeholder for my feelings of love.
It scares me to let go of that screensaver I have always had, where the last person I love just cycles round in my mind, and I wouldn't even know how to do that, it would be a totally new skill to move my mind onto something else.
It's helped to see that I have other romantic options, but at the same time, I have lost all enthusiasm and vitality for dating, and find myself just slowly backing out of the dating scene which brings him to the forefront of my mind again, as the trusty placeholder.
It's the wrong time really for me to be dating at this point in my life, and I recognise that, but this urgency and desire for him is stopping me from fully investing in building my own life.
I don't know, I guess I just wanted to come here and vent about this today.
I stalked his social media today, and I changed my Tinder distance just to see if he'd show up... none of these things make me feel better, and I rarely ever do them, but today I did that, and it left me feeling worse. I saw that he made his Insta public, and took a picture going for a walk in my town 3 months ago even though he lives over an hour's drive away from me. I was the one who ended things between us because of his ambiguity, and even changed my number to stop him contacting, and now I'm the one checking in on him like this... it's stupid.
He just isn't this special, and my feelings aren't about him, but they feel like they are.
Much like you can't stay in an enlightened state of being for very long, you get those glimpses of it, it feels like that with my AP side... sometimes I glimpse and grasp that it isn't about him, and it's a projection, but most of the time, the illusion that I love this person is accepted as a given in my mind.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2018 1:45:04 GMT
This is just an honest confession, that I am afraid to let go of the last person I fell in love with, because they are some kind of placeholder for my feelings of love.It scares me to let go of that screensaver I have always had, where the last person I love just cycles round in my mind, and I wouldn't even know how to do that, it would be a totally new skill to move my mind onto something else. It's helped to see that I have other romantic options, but at the same time, I have lost all enthusiasm and vitality for dating, and find myself just slowly backing out of the dating scene which brings him to the forefront of my mind again, as the trusty placeholder. It's the wrong time really for me to be dating at this point in my life, and I recognise that, but this urgency and desire for him is stopping me from fully investing in building my own life. I don't know, I guess I just wanted to come here and vent about this today. I stalked his social media today, and I changed my Tinder distance just to see if he'd show up... none of these things make me feel better, and I rarely ever do them, but today I did that, and it left me feeling worse. I saw that he made his Insta public, and took a picture going for a walk in my town 3 months ago even though he lives over an hour's drive away from me. I was the one who ended things between us because of his ambiguity, and even changed my number to stop him contacting, and now I'm the one checking in on him like this... it's stupid. He just isn't this special, and my feelings aren't about him, but they feel like they are. Much like you can't stay in an enlightened state of being for very long, you get those glimpses of it, it feels like that with my AP side... sometimes I glimpse and grasp that it isn't about him, and it's a projection, but most of the time, the illusion that I love this person is accepted as a given in my mind. Hi bloom, it's so wonderful that you've identified the key to why you can't let go. there's often a bridge or a leap of faith we have to take from where we are to where we want to be.. and we don't know how to get to the other side safely so we hold onto what we do know. it's abit like tarzan... swinging from one vine to another. we can't swing to another vine if we don't let go of the one we have. the more we focus on how we are not seeing the other vine and how we can grab onto it, the more we grip on the one we DO have in our hands. it's simply a contrast effect, and it drives this desire and urgency that you speak of even more. exactly because you glimpsed the other side of things, it shows you a completely different state of mind, and there's fear of what that is like and what that means, and how to get there. this is also why when you're dating it brings him to your mind again. be kind and gentle with yourself; this process takes time and at some point, takes a leap of faith to land firmly in there. for the now, when you do glimpse the other side you want to be, just savor it and appreciate it, and practice doing that. you'll eventually get there. it is not a "teleportation" process to move from here to there; it is more like an "elevator" process, where you still have to pass by every level from ground floor to rooftop; sometimes you stop at every level and people take their time to come in and out, and sometimes you can skip floors. instead of romantic rships options as placeholders, just put that love somewhere else - a hobby, yourself, watching tv, painting your nails, growing plants. like you've said so eloquently, these things/activities/people are just placeholders. if they're placeholders, then you can just switch it up. just don't use the placeholder in the same form (another romantic rship), because it's too similar to the one you already are using but is not working well. i think you're doing wonderfully. |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 18, 2018 5:47:27 GMT
This is just an honest confession, that I am afraid to let go of the last person I fell in love with, because they are some kind of placeholder for my feelings of love. It scares me to let go of that screensaver I have always had, where the last person I love just cycles round in my mind, and I wouldn't even know how to do that, it would be a totally new skill to move my mind onto something else. It's helped to see that I have other romantic options, but at the same time, I have lost all enthusiasm and vitality for dating, and find myself just slowly backing out of the dating scene which brings him to the forefront of my mind again, as the trusty placeholder. It's the wrong time really for me to be dating at this point in my life, and I recognise that, but this urgency and desire for him is stopping me from fully investing in building my own life. I don't know, I guess I just wanted to come here and vent about this today. I stalked his social media today, and I changed my Tinder distance just to see if he'd show up... none of these things make me feel better, and I rarely ever do them, but today I did that, and it left me feeling worse. I saw that he made his Insta public, and took a picture going for a walk in my town 3 months ago even though he lives over an hour's drive away from me. I was the one who ended things between us because of his ambiguity, and even changed my number to stop him contacting, and now I'm the one checking in on him like this... it's stupid. He just isn't this special, and my feelings aren't about him, but they feel like they are. Much like you can't stay in an enlightened state of being for very long, you get those glimpses of it, it feels like that with my AP side... sometimes I glimpse and grasp that it isn't about him, and it's a projection, but most of the time, the illusion that I love this person is accepted as a given in my mind. I feel the same- I think I miss being able to give and receive love like I never have in my life more than I miss him. He was the object of my love and affection and I was his- when that happened, it felt wonderful and I felt complete. I miss that feeling. That incredible feeling has mostly been hijacked by a feeling of sadness and abandonment. I can’t find anyone I want right now to be the object of my love and attention but I can foster that love and acceptance within and I can turn my attention and focus to other plans and purposes. Stay strong 💗 |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2018 5:51:56 GMT
This is just an honest confession, that I am afraid to let go of the last person I fell in love with, because they are some kind of placeholder for my feelings of love. It scares me to let go of that screensaver I have always had, where the last person I love just cycles round in my mind, and I wouldn't even know how to do that, it would be a totally new skill to move my mind onto something else. It's helped to see that I have other romantic options, but at the same time, I have lost all enthusiasm and vitality for dating, and find myself just slowly backing out of the dating scene which brings him to the forefront of my mind again, as the trusty placeholder. It's the wrong time really for me to be dating at this point in my life, and I recognise that, but this urgency and desire for him is stopping me from fully investing in building my own life. I don't know, I guess I just wanted to come here and vent about this today. I stalked his social media today, and I changed my Tinder distance just to see if he'd show up... none of these things make me feel better, and I rarely ever do them, but today I did that, and it left me feeling worse. I saw that he made his Insta public, and took a picture going for a walk in my town 3 months ago even though he lives over an hour's drive away from me. I was the one who ended things between us because of his ambiguity, and even changed my number to stop him contacting, and now I'm the one checking in on him like this... it's stupid. He just isn't this special, and my feelings aren't about him, but they feel like they are. Much like you can't stay in an enlightened state of being for very long, you get those glimpses of it, it feels like that with my AP side... sometimes I glimpse and grasp that it isn't about him, and it's a projection, but most of the time, the illusion that I love this person is accepted as a given in my mind. I feel the same- I think I miss being able to give and receive love like I never have in my life more than I miss him. He was the object of my love and affection and I was his- when that happened, it felt wonderful and I felt complete. I miss that feeling. That incredible feeling has mostly been hijacked by a feeling of sadness and abandonment. I can’t find anyone I want right now to be the object of my love and attention but I can foster that love and acceptance within and I can turn my attention and focus to other plans and purposes. Stay strong 💗 be your own object of love and attention! |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 18, 2018 5:53:54 GMT
I feel the same- I think I miss being able to give and receive love like I never have in my life more than I miss him. He was the object of my love and affection and I was his- when that happened, it felt wonderful and I felt complete. I miss that feeling. That incredible feeling has mostly been hijacked by a feeling of sadness and abandonment. I can’t find anyone I want right now to be the object of my love and attention but I can foster that love and acceptance within and I can turn my attention and focus to other plans and purposes. Stay strong 💗 be your own object of love and attention! That’s my goal...trying!!  |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2018 6:03:26 GMT
faithopelove, i totally and completely understand what you're saying about the feeling of completion.. my insight so far is that the feeling of sadness/abandonment is really, at its core, self abandonment, when we do not choose ourselves as the primary object of love and affection FIRST, before we choose other objects. There is no need to try - there is simply that decision that the object of MY love and attention is ME. When you make that decision and practice it, the sadness really dwindles down to a lower level of just.. "aww it sucks we broke up". Essentially, we use the other person as a placeholder to give and receive love, and so we think we need the other person to make us feel complete, but we don't. we need to do that through ourselves FIRST, because we will always be with ourselves. The loop is only complete when it is connected back to itself. Then when we do it with others, the pressure is so much less, both on us and on them.
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 18, 2018 6:10:27 GMT
faithopelove, i totally and completely understand what you're saying about the feeling of completion.. my insight so far is that the feeling of sadness/abandonment is really, at its core, self abandonment, when we do not choose ourselves as the primary object of love and affection FIRST, before we choose other objects. There is no need to try - there is simply that decision that the object of MY love and attention is ME. When you make that decision and practice it, the sadness really dwindles down to a lower level of just.. "aww it sucks we broke up". Essentially, we use the other person as a placeholder to give and receive love, and so we think we need the other person to make us feel complete, but we don't. we need to do that through ourselves FIRST, because we will always be with ourselves. The loop is only complete when it is connected back to itself. Then when we do it with others, the pressure is so much less, both on us and on them. Yes! I completely agree and this has been the main focus of my healing of my AP ways for the past year. I say trying bc it was completely foreign to me until 12 months ago. My eyes weren’t opened until my ex left and I examined myself and attachment. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 18, 2018 8:11:37 GMT
faithopelove , i totally and completely understand what you're saying about the feeling of completion.. my insight so far is that the feeling of sadness/abandonment is really, at its core, self abandonment, when we do not choose ourselves as the primary object of love and affection FIRST, before we choose other objects. There is no need to try - there is simply that decision that the object of MY love and attention is ME. When you make that decision and practice it, the sadness really dwindles down to a lower level of just.. "aww it sucks we broke up". Essentially, we use the other person as a placeholder to give and receive love, and so we think we need the other person to make us feel complete, but we don't. we need to do that through ourselves FIRST, because we will always be with ourselves. The loop is only complete when it is connected back to itself. Then when we do it with others, the pressure is so much less, both on us and on them. I agree with the above wholeheartedly from an adult perspective...but my yearning for B is not rooted in the adult self and as such, my behaviors/responses are from a very old and very limited tool box. Self wasn't my first go to as a 3-5 year old who wanted mom and dad to love her consistently...and 3-5 is where I often get stuck at when trying to process through my AP. I would say that right now...I am learning to grow up, but that process is slow and I have spent decades with that limited tool box thinking "surely, this time, I can prove my worth". I know my worth is not tied to B..but oh...it sure has felt that way at times. |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 18, 2018 11:57:13 GMT
faithopelove , i totally and completely understand what you're saying about the feeling of completion.. my insight so far is that the feeling of sadness/abandonment is really, at its core, self abandonment, when we do not choose ourselves as the primary object of love and affection FIRST, before we choose other objects. There is no need to try - there is simply that decision that the object of MY love and attention is ME. When you make that decision and practice it, the sadness really dwindles down to a lower level of just.. "aww it sucks we broke up". Essentially, we use the other person as a placeholder to give and receive love, and so we think we need the other person to make us feel complete, but we don't. we need to do that through ourselves FIRST, because we will always be with ourselves. The loop is only complete when it is connected back to itself. Then when we do it with others, the pressure is so much less, both on us and on them. I agree with the above wholeheartedly from an adult perspective...but my yearning for B is not rooted in the adult self and as such, my behaviors/responses are from a very old and very limited tool box. Self wasn't my first go to as a 3-5 year old who wanted mom and dad to love her consistently...and 3-5 is where I often get stuck at when trying to process through my AP. I would say that right now...I am learning to grow up, but that process is slow and I have spent decades with that limited tool box thinking "surely, this time, I can prove my worth". I know my worth is not tied to B..but oh...it sure has felt that way at times. Tnr9- Yes, and having that love and acceptance experienced for the first time in my life and then pulled away for no apparent reason has been cruel and more than my heart could accept. I tell myself logically if it was genuine then he would still be by my side, but that doesn’t help that great sense of loss and ache within. It’s deeply rooted. And I never felt that extreme loss in my adult life- until he left. No contact creates anxiety and contact with a shut down person hurts. |
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Post by number9 on Jan 28, 2019 19:05:20 GMT
This is just an honest confession, that I am afraid to let go of the last person I fell in love with, because they are some kind of placeholder for my feelings of love. It scares me to let go of that screensaver I have always had, where the last person I love just cycles round in my mind, and I wouldn't even know how to do that, it would be a totally new skill to move my mind onto something else. It's helped to see that I have other romantic options, but at the same time, I have lost all enthusiasm and vitality for dating, and find myself just slowly backing out of the dating scene which brings him to the forefront of my mind again, as the trusty placeholder. It's the wrong time really for me to be dating at this point in my life, and I recognise that, but this urgency and desire for him is stopping me from fully investing in building my own life. I don't know, I guess I just wanted to come here and vent about this today. I stalked his social media today, and I changed my Tinder distance just to see if he'd show up... none of these things make me feel better, and I rarely ever do them, but today I did that, and it left me feeling worse. I saw that he made his Insta public, and took a picture going for a walk in my town 3 months ago even though he lives over an hour's drive away from me. I was the one who ended things between us because of his ambiguity, and even changed my number to stop him contacting, and now I'm the one checking in on him like this... it's stupid. He just isn't this special, and my feelings aren't about him, but they feel like they are. Much like you can't stay in an enlightened state of being for very long, you get those glimpses of it, it feels like that with my AP side... sometimes I glimpse and grasp that it isn't about him, and it's a projection, but most of the time, the illusion that I love this person is accepted as a given in my mind. ^ This absolutely nails it for me! A serious "light bulb" moment of realization. Wow! Thank you. "A placeholder for my feelings of love." |
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Post by unluckyinlove on Jan 28, 2019 20:13:31 GMT
[/quote]Tnr9- Yes, and having that love and acceptance experienced for the first time in my life and then pulled away for no apparent reason has been cruel and more than my heart could accept. I tell myself logically if it was genuine then he would still be by my side, but that doesn’t help that great sense of loss and ache within. It’s deeply rooted. And I never felt that extreme loss in my adult life- until he left. No contact creates anxiety and contact with a shut down person hurts. [/quote]
Yep. This is also my current issue. I’m grasping at any and all straws to try to get that validation I didn’t get from him. I know I have to accept that I won’t get it and learn to focus on myself but what the head knows and what the heart accepts are two different things. I’m getting better, trying to be patient and kind with myself and realize it’s a process.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 28, 2019 22:26:08 GMT
Tnr9- Yes, and having that love and acceptance experienced for the first time in my life and then pulled away for no apparent reason has been cruel and more than my heart could accept. I tell myself logically if it was genuine then he would still be by my side, but that doesn’t help that great sense of loss and ache within. It’s deeply rooted. And I never felt that extreme loss in my adult life- until he left. No contact creates anxiety and contact with a shut down person hurts. [/quote] Yep. This is also my current issue. I’m grasping at any and all straws to try to get that validation I didn’t get from him. I know I have to accept that I won’t get it and learn to focus on myself but what the head knows and what the heart accepts are two different things. I’m getting better, trying to be patient and kind with myself and realize it’s a process. [/quote] I think there’s the work- patient and kind with ourselves and fostering that love within that we didn’t experience from a caregiver. At least in my case... |
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