Heartbroken and Need Advice

Hi Tachi--

Welcome! I'm sorry you are going through this! I wonder if you need to just back off and not text etc for a while and then check back in with her in a couple of weeks if you haven't heard. If this just happened last week, it may be a little early to completely throw in the towel (not knowing all the details of how your convos went after she shut down emotionally) I am a fixer and "what is the next step person" too but sometimes doing nothing (except reflecting on your reactions as you are doing already) is a good move.

Older and wisers here might have a different take. You can read my Iliad length thread in this section and see I have only been here a month or so. But it has been an incredible education! 

So sorry that you are going through this, tachi. I think you are doing well in recognizing how your own attachment issues played out in this - and hopefully also noticing your tendency to blame yourself and search for what you might have done wrong as a common AP thing that probably doesn't reflect reality. It is also great that you're aware that the outcome is largely out of your hands - not trying to mindread or manipulate her to get back with you - as much heartache as that must be causing you. And it's great that you are thinking about how to take care of yourself first and foremost.

As for social media, sounds like it is sending you spinning in AP mode thinking about the fact that she might be seeing your posts, and I wonder if it is also upsetting you to see hers? If so, are there ways to avoid seeing her posts or letting her see yours (like unfollowing or editing privacy settings on Facebook) that she wouldn't need to know about? Or if you do decide to do something that she would know about, could you reach out to her to let her know why you're doing it (for yourself) and that you don't want to hurt her? And if you're open to any contact with her, maybe you could let her know what that might look like?

As for what to say/not say when you see her, I think authenticity is key. At the same time, if you'll be crossing paths at a social event it's likely not a good venue for a heart to heart. Have the two of you spoken since she pulled away? If not, would you see if she's receptive to talking to you before this event you're expecting to see her at? Then you could try to get on the same page about how you want to handle seeing each other there. If it's a specific event that you're both likely to be at, there is a chance she may also be wondering how to navigate that and might appreciate a frank talk about it. Of course, that all depends on the depth of her avoidance and lots of other individual factors. I guess the key on your end is to monitor yourself to make sure anything you're communicating to her is intended just to communicate authentically and not to prompt some kind of reaction in her that would bring her back. That's pretty much magical AP thinking anyway.

All the very best to you. I can relate to a lot of this.

andy and sissyk thank you both for your compassionate responses, they mean so much. in our first conversation since the shutdown, i was mostly just confused because she didn't really want to talk and said that it made her uncomfortable. as a natural talker/processor, i couldn't relate so tried to have at least a partial conversation since something had obviously dramatically changed and i had hurt her and wanted to address it. i was shocked when she said i was pushing too much and making her uncomfortable (at that point, i had just recounted what happened from my point of view) but respected what she said and dropped my attempt at trying to understand what happened and why things had so abruptly changed... if my text asking to come over was so offensive, couldn't we talk about why so i could avoid doing it again? but there were no inroads, she just didn't want to talk and at that point, i felt like i was on the outside of a very closed and heavily guarded gate. anyway, that conversation warmed up a little but our parting felt like we were strangers.

a couple of days after that she texted that she just wanted to be friends, which i absorbed, albeit painfully (and still confused). the next day i gave her a call to talk about something that i thought was neutral but she was distant and after that texted that she didn't want to communicate for a while. this is all obviously before I realized she was probably a DA or I would have handled everything very differently - but can't go back now. My attachment system went super cray after that (and it's about when i wrote my first post) but since that text from her i haven't reached out at all, which i'm sure you know has been very difficult. i can't help but find it hurtful that the past few months of contact felt so meaningless to her that they were so easy to discard, especially when she was the the one to say how connected we were. the opposite has been true for me in terms of letting go and that's what makes me feel like i have a couple of screws loose since our reactions have been so different - was I totally delusion? When i think about it, i guess i'm more hurt that she wasn't even open or willing to talk it through, even if it still meant parting ways. in all my friendships there is always space to talk through conflict and a total shutdown is hard to navigate because it leaves so much unresolved (for me). I wonder if either of you have any insight into this? Is she just detached from all of our previous interactions...?

Since i wrote my first post here and got your helpful responses, i decided to just delete all my social media apps and lay low for a while, even though i'm tempted to check. honestly i don't even care what she's doing or who with... i just miss her face and the way i felt around her. I've been doing some work using tools i learned through internal family systems (https://selfleadership.org/about-internal-family-systems.html), which has been a game changer for me. I realize that what I really miss about being with her is that sense of home and belonging we can feel in romantic relationships and that is probably a displaced need from not getting it as a young child (childhood wasn't fun) so now my work is to try to heal that part of myself and let her go...

thank you again for your insights and support

PS Also--as to your question. I found alexandra 's post on another thread extremely helpful in understanding how someone could shut down. I copy and paste it crudely below...



"Try to depersonalize this. No response doesn't mean not being deserving of a response. It doesn't mean the other person can't be bothered. It does mean they can't meet your needs and are likely bad communicators. But, as anne12 has posted before, the fight/flight/freeze response is a real thing.



Let me give two examples. I had a thing with an extremely DA man that I had to continue seeing regularly after it didn't work out. He took to completely ignoring me and pretending I wasn't there. This was very painful / triggering to me, so after a couple months of it, I texted directly that there was no reason for us not to be cordial if we had to continue being in the same place, and I'd appreciate it if we tried. He'd told me he had a history of ghosting, and I knew he only hadn't with me and actually ended things cleanly because he'd eventually have to see me again. He did not respond to this message at all. About a week and a half later, I ended up alone in an elevator with him. He tensed up, preparing for some imagined assault, and I said, I'd really like to talk to you. And proceeded to talk about a problem I was having totally unrelated to us that we used to discuss as friends. By the time we reached the lobby, he was totally relaxed, relieved, and invited me to catch up with him again in person. As an afterthought, he brought up my text: "I meant to respond to you, but was an @$$hole instead." ... nothing to do with me, it was his own issues and fear! We did make time to meet up once every month or two for a long while after that and naturally fell out of touch when we no longer had commitments that put us in the same location.



My other example is my FA ex would give me the silent treatment in times of extreme triggering. I got really upset the last time he did that because I directly stated it made me feel bad and why. He later told me, he needed space and didn't want to keep hurting me so thought it was better to not respond at all for a month. What I've realized since then is he needs space because, sometimes instead of processing things, he actually disassociates. Not just about me, either, I've seen it happen about other things and not understood it was what was going on. I'm not sure he has any idea that he does it. But, it's not about me one bit, it's a maladaptive coping mechanism he picked up at some point that I cannot help him with, and causes distance between us so he can't meet my needs."



I'm giving you these examples as a reminder that the AP thought loops make the lack of communication more painful than it has to be. All insecures have feelings, and issues, and it's hard for everyone. Stay focused on your side of the issues and the practice breaking negative thought patterns, retelling the narrative to not be full of self-blame, will make conflicts less personal and so less painful   "

1000 percent agreement with this^  Having a direct, kindly talk when a problem arises shows good relationship skills. Your instinct was fine. 

On reflection, the only thing I would do differently in my talk with my DA/FA is start off with a question. "Would it be ok if we talked about something between us that is confusing me?" rather than launch in as I did. He would have maybe not gone on the instant defensive--or maybe he would have. But it is often a good move in a difficult conversation and I skipped it. Live and learn. 

alexandra, sissyk, andy...Dear AP warriors, thank you so much for your heartfelt responses... in between alot of holiday travel, please know that i've read through them several times on trains and planes and most especially when things felt really upside down. They provided solace and guidance that I took seriously. Most especially it was important to read that that all of my regrets about handling things differently were misguided. I handle things by seeking clarity, with honest and direct communication, am willing to hold myself accountable, and speak in the service of resolution, not to punish or play games. I'm not ashamed of this and they are hardwon skills after years of therapy and conscious work to heal old wounds. I continue to refine them. I welcome intimacy and am still learning how to express this in healthy, secure relationships but this kind of connection is important and for a second I was willing to throw it overboard.

To get between the crushing moment and today, my strategy has been to do the very opposite of what my brain sent up as flares during the shockwaves. Full confessions: At various points, and fully hijacked by my attachment system, I considered: posting things on social media that I knew she would see that would be a specific reference between us, sending an email/novella about why I missed her as an ode to our magical connection, sending screenshots of sections from Attached about deactivating strategies, sending a text and pretending it wasn't meant for her (!), sending a text that was just a picture of something that I knew she would have loved, sending a text that was just a simple "I miss you" (the worst!!)... i'm sure there were other things that my primitive neurons suggested. BUT I DID NONE OF THESE.

Here is what i did instead: the anxiety and sudden loss of connection were very physically present for me - I felt literal pain in my chest and heart and stomach, sometimes it was a deep ache, sometimes a twisting sensation and often accompanied by the common chorus of - you'll never find someone like her again, you'll never feel that connection and closeness ever again, you'll always be single, and on and on. I didn't judge myself or criticize myself for any of the things my brain desperately came up with to re-connect, I just let it all have space... if i needed to, I drafted the text or the email and just let it be. I came back and read all of your experiences and that helped me to not take anything personally, not her behavior, or, critically, mine. We are both seeking safety after all - but hers is on an island and mine is in the deep blue sea around it.

I have learned alot from my work with internal family systems and part of it is how to anchor into Self. I used this to close my eyes and visit the pain when it would flash through and in doing so, I felt just how old it is and how young I was when I felt it for the first time and really tried to listen to it; this process has helped me to start disengaging with my ex and re-engaging with what I was trying to feel with her: the need to belong to someone and the need to belong to life.

I also found this passage from Thich Nhat Hanh so helpful:

"So you recognize that fear. You embrace it tenderly and look deeply into it. And as you embrace your pain, you get relief and you find out how to handle that emotion. And if you know how to handle the fear, then you have enough insight in order to solve the problem. The problem is to not allow that anxiety to take over. When these feelings arise, you have to practice in order to use the energy of mindfulness to recognize them, embrace them, look deeply into them. It's like a mother when the baby is crying. Your anxiety is your baby. You have to take care of it. You have to go back to yourself, recognize the suffering in you, embrace the suffering, and you get relief. And if you continue with your practice of mindfulness, you understand the roots, the nature of the suffering, and you know the way to transform it."

I woke up this morning and finally felt freed of the most intense feelings of pain. I still miss her and memories of our time together still pass through, but the pain is less and my focus is starting to shift. The work continues but now it's moving beyond getting over her and feeling more at home in myself. Thank you again for your generous words and support - here's to showing up in all our messiness, for ourselves and each other.