Post by happybanana on Dec 20, 2018 17:48:42 GMT
I honestly thought I had found the answer in attachement styles with the weird behavoir of my boyfriend (?) of one year. But I'm not so sure anymore. Lots of stuff fits perfectly but also a few things go against it. So now I wonder if it's maybe just something I like to believe, so I don't have to admit that he just isn't that into me. Maybe you guys can help me out.
From the start on he didn't want to define what we are. We were exclusive pretty early on, spending lots of time together (although just on the weekends because we are long distance - not so far apart but far enough that seeing each other on weekdays is difficult) but he didn't want to call it a relationship but also was pretty clear that this isn't just casual for him either. Once he had teary eyes saying that while we were fighting because of it, so I honestly do not believe he lied, so I stayed.
He did behave more relationshippy over time. Even said he loves me. But because we had to go even longer distance over a few months everything turned quite a bit. I broke up with him (before going longer distance he defined it a relationship) but we did get back together. But he didn't even try anymore after that, so things escalated a few times again and he broke up with me when the longer distance was gone.
He was more then sure at that point he doesn't want a relationship with me and that we have no future whatsoever.
Somehow I convinced him to spend some time together. So that's what we did and things calmed down quite a bit, so now after 2 months everything is like before the big crash. But again .... we didn't define anything and I'm also not sure how we are on the exclusivity agreement right now. So I have to have that talk now but I'm scared he'll just start to see everything as he did when he broke up.
So ... like I said I'm not sure if he is a DA.
What makes me think he is:
- Not wanting to commit to a relationship. Not just with me. He even admited drunk that this is how it always was with past girls. He leaves it undefined until the girl has enough of it and leaves
- He's saying things like "everyone is responsible for themselves".
"I don't demand anything from anyone, that way I also can't get hurt" (it's true he did never demand anything from me)
- He's unable to make compromises. Swearing up and down he does want to make this work because he loves me (before the break up) but won't make any compromise with important stuff. When I pointed this out, he was usually like "if it fits beween us, xy shouldn't be an issue with you" (I don't want to go into details here because I don't want anyone to find that post and know it's me, but trust me when I say I talk about stuff where it's the most natural thing to make a compromise. And the answer shouldn't be I change everything in my life so he doesn't have to do anything.
- He's still hung up on his ex. Saying it was perfect with her. He regrets fucking it up. Although they were not together long and had a LDR and didn't really see each other for the better part of the relationship. So even though I can't judge about how it was exactly, he never had a day to day life with her ... so it's easy to just be there for the fun stuff.
When he saw how this hurt me hearing him say that he said what we have is deeper ... but still it stings like hell.
- he's not able to make plans with me a week in advance. He usually comes around if I just don't push it, but he can't even commit to that.
- he often times walks in front of me when we're walking on the street (saw that mentioned a few times with DA), which is so weird. I don't think he does it on purpose and usually slows down when I say something and we walk holding hands then .. but still it always happens again.
- He's super sweet and sometimes it feels like a break through how intimate we are but as soon as we aren't together in person anymore it feels like we're strangers again and I'm happy if I get a text back that's longer then 3 words.
- He's totally contractive with what he's saying. He said he was never as comfortable with anyone else like with me. How he's used to more fighting and stuff and things with me are so calm. Then he comes around saying we're just too different and have no future.
- He often says stuff like "in a few years we're gonna be with someone else". When I point out how hurtfull that is he puts it like "I don't want that now, I'm just being realistic"
- He's always pointing out how independend he is. Like commenting on how weak it is to visit your parents often if you moved away or stuff like that. (He's in his early 20s)
Things that let me think he's not a DA:
- He told me lots of really personal intimate stuff about himself.
- He's got no issues with being intimate in person. He's soooo much more a cuddler then I am.
- He's got no issues spending lots of time together without a break (like 3 days on weekends or when we went on vacation for a week), just when we're not together it's suddenly like "out of sight out of mind".
So what do you guys think? Is he or is he not? And more important, how do I handle a good talk about this now? I feel like if I pressure him now he's back at "it's just not a fit", but I'm honestly fed up with seeing his relationship status on social media being single and not knowing if he maybe has someone else on the side.
From the start on he didn't want to define what we are. We were exclusive pretty early on, spending lots of time together (although just on the weekends because we are long distance - not so far apart but far enough that seeing each other on weekdays is difficult) but he didn't want to call it a relationship but also was pretty clear that this isn't just casual for him either. Once he had teary eyes saying that while we were fighting because of it, so I honestly do not believe he lied, so I stayed.
He did behave more relationshippy over time. Even said he loves me. But because we had to go even longer distance over a few months everything turned quite a bit. I broke up with him (before going longer distance he defined it a relationship) but we did get back together. But he didn't even try anymore after that, so things escalated a few times again and he broke up with me when the longer distance was gone.
He was more then sure at that point he doesn't want a relationship with me and that we have no future whatsoever.
Somehow I convinced him to spend some time together. So that's what we did and things calmed down quite a bit, so now after 2 months everything is like before the big crash. But again .... we didn't define anything and I'm also not sure how we are on the exclusivity agreement right now. So I have to have that talk now but I'm scared he'll just start to see everything as he did when he broke up.
So ... like I said I'm not sure if he is a DA.
What makes me think he is:
- Not wanting to commit to a relationship. Not just with me. He even admited drunk that this is how it always was with past girls. He leaves it undefined until the girl has enough of it and leaves
- He's saying things like "everyone is responsible for themselves".
"I don't demand anything from anyone, that way I also can't get hurt" (it's true he did never demand anything from me)
- He's unable to make compromises. Swearing up and down he does want to make this work because he loves me (before the break up) but won't make any compromise with important stuff. When I pointed this out, he was usually like "if it fits beween us, xy shouldn't be an issue with you" (I don't want to go into details here because I don't want anyone to find that post and know it's me, but trust me when I say I talk about stuff where it's the most natural thing to make a compromise. And the answer shouldn't be I change everything in my life so he doesn't have to do anything.
- He's still hung up on his ex. Saying it was perfect with her. He regrets fucking it up. Although they were not together long and had a LDR and didn't really see each other for the better part of the relationship. So even though I can't judge about how it was exactly, he never had a day to day life with her ... so it's easy to just be there for the fun stuff.
When he saw how this hurt me hearing him say that he said what we have is deeper ... but still it stings like hell.
- he's not able to make plans with me a week in advance. He usually comes around if I just don't push it, but he can't even commit to that.
- he often times walks in front of me when we're walking on the street (saw that mentioned a few times with DA), which is so weird. I don't think he does it on purpose and usually slows down when I say something and we walk holding hands then .. but still it always happens again.
- He's super sweet and sometimes it feels like a break through how intimate we are but as soon as we aren't together in person anymore it feels like we're strangers again and I'm happy if I get a text back that's longer then 3 words.
- He's totally contractive with what he's saying. He said he was never as comfortable with anyone else like with me. How he's used to more fighting and stuff and things with me are so calm. Then he comes around saying we're just too different and have no future.
- He often says stuff like "in a few years we're gonna be with someone else". When I point out how hurtfull that is he puts it like "I don't want that now, I'm just being realistic"
- He's always pointing out how independend he is. Like commenting on how weak it is to visit your parents often if you moved away or stuff like that. (He's in his early 20s)
Things that let me think he's not a DA:
- He told me lots of really personal intimate stuff about himself.
- He's got no issues with being intimate in person. He's soooo much more a cuddler then I am.
- He's got no issues spending lots of time together without a break (like 3 days on weekends or when we went on vacation for a week), just when we're not together it's suddenly like "out of sight out of mind".
So what do you guys think? Is he or is he not? And more important, how do I handle a good talk about this now? I feel like if I pressure him now he's back at "it's just not a fit", but I'm honestly fed up with seeing his relationship status on social media being single and not knowing if he maybe has someone else on the side.
