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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 2, 2019 15:50:58 GMT
I wonder if the feeling of "something missing" or someone missing is universal, or is it an APish thing?
And can it really be eradicated for longer than just moments, or will it always be there as something to talk back to/ignore/refute.
I have moments of beauty, contentedness, peace, but just moments, and the feeling always nipping at my heels and always has been. I wonder if it's something I should just accept instead of constantly critiquing.
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Post by gaynxious on Jan 7, 2019 22:54:48 GMT
I’d say it’s near universal but particularly difficult for APs. As humans we get used to having people in our life, and if we become attached to them our brains get used to having them around and being able to depend on what support we do get from them. Basically just as most of us now outsource remembering important phone numbers to our phone’s memory, we outsource some of our self care functions to other people so that we can focus on other tasks. Once we no longer have that person in our life, for whatever reason, there is an adjustment period as our brain struggles to balance the demands that have been placed on it and reprioritizing those self care functions. And sadly we can’t rationalize our way out of it entirely. Our brain is going to long and grieve for that support and get you to try and think of ways to get that support back. I can’t tell you whether or not your specific instance will pass or not but it will get better. The longer they are out of your life, and the less they reenter it, the more you will adapt. Distracting your mind with other things will help, forming new relationships or firming up old ones (also known as reorganizing your attachment needs) will help. But also grieving to some degree will help. I recently saw a very helpful meme that said ‘It’s ok to miss someone you have decided to no longer have in your life.’
Your decision to move on does not negate the good times, the reasons you let this person into your life. It’s an acknowledgement that that time is over and you must reassert your self care functions.
I’m sorry it’s hard, but it will get better.
The reason it’s harder for APs is we are typically always looking to outsource our self care needs as we find regulating our internal state exceedingly difficult and find regulating our environment by controlling who we are around and how they behave a lot easier.
Also our nervous systems are designed to forget the autobiographical aspects of negative emotional events more often, which can make understanding exactly why we had to leave someone behind more difficult and can make sticking to that decisions scary or harder to defend. Trust yourself, you likely still have access to the implicit, emotional memory of your time with this person. The hurt feels, the drama, the unmet needs. Those exist for a reason and just because they can’t be put into words easily doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility to continue to suffer them.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2019 23:04:44 GMT
I wonder if the feeling of "something missing" or someone missing is universal, or is it an APish thing? And can it really be eradicated for longer than just moments, or will it always be there as something to talk back to/ignore/refute. I have moments of beauty, contentedness, peace, but just moments, and the feeling always nipping at my heels and always has been. I wonder if it's something I should just accept instead of constantly critiquing. for me, this really hit the nail on the head: www.youtube.com/watch?v=jV2dn3zwoYM it's about fantasy bonds and how inauthentic relating without ever being seen for you creates this sense of missing and wanting to belong somewhere. Here's an email blast from Robarge that I think sums it up quite well. ----------------------- Decoding the origins of attachment injuries can feel like coming out of a fog. I've created the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, for those of us who are coming out of this fog. A new 8-week program begins this week, starting today. Waking up to a history of attachment injuries adjusts our perceptions,so that we start seeing the long-held assumptions that once sustained our family bonds. When those assumptions start to lift, we begin to notice the reality that our family relationshipslacked authentic connection. We were not connected, but pretended we were connected for developmental and survival reasons. Initially, this realization is disheartening, disorienting, and of course painful. Eventually, it might feel relieving and freeing. As a healing process, it takes concentrated effort to see this truth. The connection we thought we had while growing up in our family was actually not there. It was an illusion. It was a collective agreement that everyone participated in together, but was ultimately rooted in the fantasy of pseudo-relating. This means we were relating, but not really relating. We were there, but not really there. Family members were there-not-there. Family members did not know us. We might have been loved, but we were not known. If you’re loved while simultaneously not being known, then what about you do the others actually love? They love the "idea" of you. They love you in a general sense; but not in an immediate, personal, engaged, and attuned felt-sense. Coming into the awareness of fantasy-bonding as your family’s default operating system illuminates and explains a lifetime of chronic loneliness and the feeling of never quite belonging. This creates all kinds of confusion around sense-of-self, identity, asserting agency, worth, and feeling valued.If this fantasy-bond operating system is not addressed, we most likely will be inclined to repeat these fantasy-connections in our adult-romantic partnerships; and then, we will wonder why the relationships are riddled with distress, uncertainty, dissatisfaction, and fear. When our romantic relationships are failing, we will wholeheartedly and with sincerity attempt to repair them. Unfortunately, we are duped and set up to fail. We cannot fix what doesn’t exist. This holds true for healing in our family as well. We need to learn new skills of emotional bonding. Relationship repair needs to be based on the quality of bonding between family members and the depth of emotional connection. Fantasy bonding lacks authentic emotional depth, even when our feelings of attachment are strong. Sorting through the grief of these realizations is one reason why I created the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. In the community, we talk about authentic relating and nurturing secure attachment. The 8-week program is not a course of sequential learning modules. It's based on a system of resources, discussions, and weekly activities that promote self-directed learning. It's a proactive experience; not passive. We launch into a new 8-week program this week, beginning today, January 7th. You are invited to join us. We'd love to have you - I'd love to have you join. To register go to www.alanrobarge.com/community. Let's talk about relationships. Best, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Trained Psychotherapist and Relationship Coach |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 7, 2019 23:41:54 GMT
I’d say it’s near universal but particularly difficult for APs. As humans we get used to having people in our life, and if we become attached to them our brains get used to having them around and being able to depend on what support we do get from them. Basically just as most of us now outsource remembering important phone numbers to our phone’s memory, we outsource some of our self care functions to other people so that we can focus on other tasks. Once we no longer have that person in our life, for whatever reason, there is an adjustment period as our brain struggles to balance the demands that have been placed on it and reprioritizing those self care functions. And sadly we can’t rationalize our way out of it entirely. Our brain is going to long and grieve for that support and get you to try and think of ways to get that support back. I can’t tell you whether or not your specific instance will pass or not but it will get better. The longer they are out of your life, and the less they reenter it, the more you will adapt. Distracting your mind with other things will help, forming new relationships or firming up old ones (also known as reorganizing your attachment needs) will help. But also grieving to some degree will help. I recently saw a very helpful meme that said ‘It’s ok to miss someone you have decided to no longer have in your life.’ Your decision to move on does not negate the good times, the reasons you let this person into your life. It’s an acknowledgement that that time is over and you must reassert your self care functions. I’m sorry it’s hard, but it will get better. The reason it’s harder for APs is we are typically always looking to outsource our self care needs as we find regulating our internal state exceedingly difficult and find regulating our environment by controlling who we are around and how they behave a lot easier. Also our nervous systems are designed to forget the autobiographical aspects of negative emotional events more often, which can make understanding exactly why we had to leave someone behind more difficult and can make sticking to that decisions scary or harder to defend. Trust yourself, you likely still have access to the implicit, emotional memory of your time with this person. The hurt feels, the drama, the unmet needs. Those exist for a reason and just because they can’t be put into words easily doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility to continue to suffer them. I’m an AP but never fantasized having any kind of bond with either parent. I knew from a very young age that my parents didn’t know me and I wish I had been born to a different family. I even recognized that if they died I wouldn’t grieve bc there was no attachment. That to me, was the upside of no attachment, that I wouldn’t miss them when they were gone. I yearned for closeness and desired that close knit, accepting and loving family, but I was completely honest in my reality that attachment and emotional closeness didn’t exist. So, I don’t know if that causes me to fantasize my romantic relationships because I didn’t fantasize my parental attachment. I tend to think in my case, because I was brutally honest in my assessment, that it made me feel like something was missing and I was always searching for that love and acceptance I never experienced. Which is why I left home at 19 and got married- I got attached to a guy at 14 to a guy who accepted me- that was my standard. I didn’t love him- although I thought I did, I was just yearning for someone to accept me. |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 8, 2019 0:01:51 GMT
That to me, was the upside of no attachment, that I wouldn’t miss them when they were gone. I yearned for closeness and desired that close knit, accepting and loving family, but I was completely honest in my reality that attachment and emotional closeness didn’t exist. So, I don’t know if that causes me to fantasize my romantic relationships because I didn’t fantasize my parental attachment. Or, you had a big, gaping hole to fill with no tools to know how to fill it on your own or to receive love in a healthy way :/ If you learn to model it from other messages around you (pop culture's messages about love, observing other people from your own pre-teen and uninformed idealized view), that can lead to fantasizing about the love, safety, and acceptance you couldn't provide for youself. I think AP does feel this missing more persistently because self-acceptance and self-love is difficult and there's reliance on external regulation. You feel something's wrong but don't know why or how to fix it, so it can feel like emptiness and missing. In my experience, anyway. |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 8, 2019 0:07:36 GMT
That to me, was the upside of no attachment, that I wouldn’t miss them when they were gone. I yearned for closeness and desired that close knit, accepting and loving family, but I was completely honest in my reality that attachment and emotional closeness didn’t exist. So, I don’t know if that causes me to fantasize my romantic relationships because I didn’t fantasize my parental attachment. Or, you had a big, gaping hole to fill with no tools to know how to fill it on your own or to receive love in a healthy way :/ If you learn to model it from other messages around you (pop culture's messages about love, observing other people from your own pre-teen and uninformed idealized view), that can lead to fantasizing about the love, safety, and acceptance you couldn't provide for youself. I think AP does feel this missing more persistently because self-acceptance and self-love is difficult and there's reliance on external regulation. You feel something's wrong but don't know why or how to fix it, so it can feel like emptiness and missing. In my experience, anyway. Yes, I completely agree, Alexandra. Now to work on that gaping hole and feeling fulfilled without external validation. That’s the challenge. I think that’s why the break up over a year ago felt like such a profound loss and hit me so hard. He was offering the love and acceptance I never knew- until he stopped. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2019 0:15:34 GMT
That to me, was the upside of no attachment, that I wouldn’t miss them when they were gone. I yearned for closeness and desired that close knit, accepting and loving family, but I was completely honest in my reality that attachment and emotional closeness didn’t exist. So, I don’t know if that causes me to fantasize my romantic relationships because I didn’t fantasize my parental attachment. Or, you had a big, gaping hole to fill with no tools to know how to fill it on your own or to receive love in a healthy way :/ If you learn to model it from other messages around you (pop culture's messages about love, observing other people from your own pre-teen and uninformed idealized view), that can lead to fantasizing about the love, safety, and acceptance you couldn't provide for youself. I think AP does feel this missing more persistently because self-acceptance and self-love is difficult and there's reliance on external regulation. You feel something's wrong but don't know why or how to fix it, so it can feel like emptiness and missing. In my experience, anyway. How exactly do you do this? sometimes it feels like self acceptance and self love is what i do because i dont have any other choice - because there's no one else who is willing to do that, i have to do it on my own. sometimes it feels like my independence is not an addition to me, but an outcome of simply not being able to depend on others. some days it's harder than others. |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 8, 2019 0:21:35 GMT
Or, you had a big, gaping hole to fill with no tools to know how to fill it on your own or to receive love in a healthy way :/ If you learn to model it from other messages around you (pop culture's messages about love, observing other people from your own pre-teen and uninformed idealized view), that can lead to fantasizing about the love, safety, and acceptance you couldn't provide for youself. I think AP does feel this missing more persistently because self-acceptance and self-love is difficult and there's reliance on external regulation. You feel something's wrong but don't know why or how to fix it, so it can feel like emptiness and missing. In my experience, anyway. How exactly do you do this? sometimes it feels like self acceptance and self love is what i do because i dont have any other choice - because there's no one else who is willing to do that, i have to do it on my own. sometimes it feels like my independence is not an addition to me, but an outcome of simply not being able to depend on others. some days it's harder than others. I do believe that is the key- self-love and self-acceptance. I believe the healing lies in both; however, sometimes I feel like I can’t muster enough self-love for it to be fulfilling. I want that real tangible, physical person beside me, communicating with me and seeing me face to face. That intimacy that I crave. There’s comfort in that I don’t find in myself- at least not for long. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2019 0:40:36 GMT
How exactly do you do this? sometimes it feels like self acceptance and self love is what i do because i dont have any other choice - because there's no one else who is willing to do that, i have to do it on my own. sometimes it feels like my independence is not an addition to me, but an outcome of simply not being able to depend on others. some days it's harder than others. I do believe that is the key- self-love and self-acceptance. I believe the healing lies in both; however, sometimes I feel like I can’t muster enough self-love for it to be fulfilling. I want that real tangible, physical person beside me, communicating with me and seeing me face to face. That intimacy that I crave. There’s comfort in that I don’t find in myself- at least not for long. I kind of know it's key, but today is the day i'm not sure why it is! is it because secure people have learnt that in their childhood and experiences, and so that comes naturally to them? and we're late in the game so we need to develop these skills as adults? |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 8, 2019 0:44:48 GMT
I do believe that is the key- self-love and self-acceptance. I believe the healing lies in both; however, sometimes I feel like I can’t muster enough self-love for it to be fulfilling. I want that real tangible, physical person beside me, communicating with me and seeing me face to face. That intimacy that I crave. There’s comfort in that I don’t find in myself- at least not for long. I kind of know it's key, but today is the day i'm not sure why it is! is it because secure people have learnt that in their childhood and experiences, and so that comes naturally to them? and we're late in the game so we need to develop these skills as adults? Yes, I think because we never experienced love and acceptance, we never internalized it. Instead we were left feeling empty- longing and seeking. I guess it’s possible to learn self-love but much easier if you experience love and security from a caregiver. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 9, 2019 0:33:55 GMT
. . . I recently saw a very helpful meme that said ‘It’s ok to miss someone you have decided to no longer have in your life.’ Your decision to move on does not negate the good times, the reasons you let this person into your life. It’s an acknowledgement that that time is over and you must reassert your self care functions. I’m sorry it’s hard, but it will get better. The reason it’s harder for APs is we are typically always looking to outsource our self care needs as we find regulating our internal state exceedingly difficult and find regulating our environment by controlling who we are around and how they behave a lot easier. Also our nervous systems are designed to forget the autobiographical aspects of negative emotional events more often, which can make understanding exactly why we had to leave someone behind more difficult and can make sticking to that decisions scary or harder to defend. Trust yourself, you likely still have access to the implicit, emotional memory of your time with this person. The hurt feels, the drama, the unmet needs. Those exist for a reason and just because they can’t be put into words easily doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility to continue to suffer them.
Funny, I've seen that meme on Facebook before too, and it really resonated with me.
I've haven't thought of myself as someone with a lot of difficulty "regulating my internal state," but I suppose self perception is not necessarily reality. Interesting point about implicit memory...
It's hard to let go of emotional loyalty. I've never found that easy.
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 9, 2019 0:39:03 GMT
Do you all (who identify as AP) feel/believe that you're not good at self love, and have you always, or have you thought you were good at it and then later realized you weren't? I'm curious how much things mentioned above like struggling with self love, difficulty regulating one's internal state, etc. are things someone with an AP attachment style tends to be conscious of, or how much they don't even realize it's something they find difficult.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 9, 2019 0:48:41 GMT
Do you all (who identify as AP) feel/believe that you're not good at self love, and have you always, or have you thought you were good at it and then later realized you weren't? I'm curious how much things mentioned above like struggling with self love, difficulty regulating one's internal state, etc. are things someone with an AP attachment style tends to be conscious of, or how much they don't even realize it's something they find difficult. Ironically, I never considered or thought of self-love until after my break up and research into attachment style. I clearly saw at that point that I was terrible at self-love and never fostered it or had it fostered inside of me as a young child. I always felt I had a healthy dose of self-esteem but as my therapist pointed out- self-image and self-esteem are not the same thing. She believed (and I agree) that I have a positive self-image based on my abilities and outward appearance but suffer with low self-esteem. So I feel capable and physically attractive but ultimately unlovable, a burden and unwilling to believe anyone would truly stand by me and care to meet my needs. The abandonment fear is real. I had never considered the difference of self-image and self-esteem before but it made sense. To answer your question, I’m completely conscious that both self-love and healthy self-esteem are very difficult for me to obtain. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2019 1:00:37 GMT
Do you all (who identify as AP) feel/believe that you're not good at self love, and have you always, or have you thought you were good at it and then later realized you weren't? I'm curious how much things mentioned above like struggling with self love, difficulty regulating one's internal state, etc. are things someone with an AP attachment style tends to be conscious of, or how much they don't even realize it's something they find difficult. Ironically, I never considered of thought of self-love until after my break up and research into attachment style. I clearly saw at that point that I was terrible at self-love and never fostered it or had it fostered inside of me as a young child. I always felt I had a healthy dose of self-esteem but as my therapist pointed out- self-image and self-esteem are not the same thing. She believed (and I agree) that I have a positive self-image based on my abilities and outward appearance but suffer with low self-esteem. So I feel capable and physically attractive but ultimately unlovable, a burden and unwilling to believe anyone would truly stand by me and care to meet my needs. The abandonment fear is real. I had never considered the difference of self-image and self-esteem before but it made sense. To answer your question, I’m completely conscious that both self-love and healthy self-esteem are very difficult for me to obtain. me too. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 9, 2019 1:08:39 GMT
@faithhopelove, I can relate to the having a positive self image but not esteem (though a bit different-- I derive mine more from my intellectual and career success, creativity, etc., as I've never felt physically attractive or otherwise attractive to other people even when I did to myself).
I've always thought of "self love" as a thing I do, being a feminist and reading a zillion books and articles on that sort of thing, but I can see how it may not actually be true deep down.
As I get older and wiser I'm somewhat better at self acceptance, though it's hard to imagine ever REALLY having romantic confidence. I guess we all have our struggles that we can get better at even if it's always going to be a challenge.
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