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Post by hayemel5 on Jan 9, 2019 15:45:13 GMT
Hi all,
Please let me begin with, if this is in the wrong place, let me know and I'll delete/move it. Also, if there is a thread already existing with this sort of information, please refer me to that. Thanks in advance!
I am a recovering AP and realized fairly recently, with the help of the Attached book, as well as Jeb's work (thus I found you guys), that I have been dating an DA for almost 4 years. We did 2 years long distance, (now I totally understand why it was easy for him ha!) and have been together in the same city for 2 years, living together for 1 year. I am becoming stronger by the day to end this relationship, being that I feel more secure with myself and understand that the way he acts is more to do with him than me, I still am not having my needs met, and really want to find someone that would better suit my needs. However, this man is a really good person, but just has had a shitty past. I think he will be completely blindsided by this information. I've tried to have serious conversations with him about my needs in the past, and every time were met with hostility, defensiveness, and really just shut me out, leaving me with a hopeless feeling to either settle or to walk away. I've continued to settle where it comes to my needs. I believe after years of my own journey with therapy, we are all responsible for fixing our own baggage, even when it was handed to us by no real fault of our own. Long story short, I know I can only control how I react and respond to things, and no one else. With that said, I feel peaceful knowing who I am and who he is, but I am still completely heartbroken to pull the trigger, mainly because I know that I've been unsuccessful at having a meaningful conversation with him where he would understand what my needs actually are. I come to this community looking for some encouragement to be able to end this relationship and would love to hear of any stories of life after DA or if there are any suggestions of how to successfully break up with a DA. I have my whole life before me, and I am right there ready to take the leap, but I just can't make myself do it.
Thanks and I appreciate any advice or encouragement!
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2019 16:46:47 GMT
Hi, I am actually a DA who went through the same conflict in my relationship with a man whom I believe is AP.
The attachment styles are reversed but the core issue is very similar.
Insecure is Insecure, AP, FA, DA- we all abandon ourselves somehow in relationships and things only get better when we address that directly within ourselves.
My thread is called "Confusion in relationship" and it ends with me finding my answer.
Good luck!
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Post by chipper on Jan 9, 2019 16:57:57 GMT
In my experience with an FA ex, I found that it was helpful to set a very objective boundary. I wasn't going to continue the relationship unless she agreed to start working on herself and seek therapy. I spent about 8 months in the relationship trying to prod her to do that, without any luck. After she ended things, she tried to come back, but I stuck to that boundary. To my knowledge, she still hasn't decided to seek help.
So, what's helped me is that I set something clear, and she wouldn't agree to do it. I could either move on, or keep myself in a relationship that she ended every 3-4 months as she became activated.
Perhaps setting a boundary like that would be useful to you?
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Post by hayemel5 on Jan 10, 2019 12:41:07 GMT
Thanks y’all! I appreciate your insights!
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liz
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by liz on Jan 11, 2019 21:41:06 GMT
Hi, welcome to your new life!
I broke up with my ex DA, was indecisive, but am now quite completely over.
It is all about directing one's focus AWAY from the ex and from the relationship.
It is really about making that effort. At first it wasn't easy and I kept wondering about getting back together, but the more I made the effort to brush away such thoughts of him, the easier it became to get it over with.
I no longer wish to have him in my life as I have started to realize halfway through the process that I had been idealizing him and the relationship.
There were so many things that were wrong and he had so many red flags about him.
Then gradually, I really thought about him less frequently to the point where I would only occasionally think of him, and not in a sentimental way.
So yes, I'm free from him.
However, it takes a conscious effort - one has to WANT to get over the relationship, get over the ex.
Hopes this helps!
Good luck and best wishes for your recovery from an unfruitful relationship this year.
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Post by hayemel5 on Jan 13, 2019 21:45:19 GMT
Thank you. I appreciate the encouragement. I’m not scared of my future, I am super hopeful. I’m just scared to hurt him ya know?
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Post by happyidiot on Jan 14, 2019 5:33:57 GMT
hayemel5How to break up with a DA? In my experience I just break up with them and they seem fine and move on easily. Maybe it's harder if they are more towards the FA side of the DA box? Attachment type is a spectrum.
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Post by hayemel5 on Jan 14, 2019 13:21:03 GMT
I did try to break up with him before and he literally begged me not to leave. Nothing changed and here we are almost 2 years later. In fairness, I had no idea how my anxiety really played into this whole dynamic. I was also just trying to get my own shit together, thinking “maybe if I get less needy or better looking or better at sex etc it will get better” but NOPE.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 14, 2019 17:45:23 GMT
In fairness, I had no idea how my anxiety really played into this whole dynamic. I was also just trying to get my own shit together, thinking “maybe if I get less needy or better looking or better at sex etc it will get better” but NOPE. I made that mistake too, and the same thing happened. But the good news is, even if it didn't ultimately change the relationship, the end result was I still got my stuff together! Sounds like you're thinking about this the right way, good luck in getting to where you're trying to be. |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 14, 2019 22:41:27 GMT
hayemel5How to break up with a DA? In my experience I just break up with them and they seem fine and move on easily. Maybe it's harder if they are more towards the FA side of the DA box? Attachment type is a spectrum. Right? I’d think a DA would let go the easiest. They already have so many negative views on relationships lasting. |
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Post by happyidiot on Jan 15, 2019 1:51:54 GMT
hayemel5 How to break up with a DA? In my experience I just break up with them and they seem fine and move on easily. Maybe it's harder if they are more towards the FA side of the DA box? Attachment type is a spectrum. Right? I’d think a DA would let go the easiest. They already have so many negative views on relationships lasting. Sometimes even a DA person can get anxious when someone tries to end things abruptly or acts more avoidant than them. I just remembered, once I sternly told a classic DA man I was seeing that I didn't know if I wanted to see him anymore because of something he'd done and he rushed over to my house (although he certainly didn't beg). But when much later it came time to actually stop seeing him because he wasn't meeting my needs and I gently and openly talked to him about this, he seemed relieved and told me he was not able to meet my needs (and they were really not big needs, just things like not ghosting for long periods of time and letting me know if he was going out of the country etc). Maybe why you are trying to end things and the way you go about it makes a difference. hayemel5 What happens when you try to talk to him about how he is not meeting your needs, and how have you approached that in the past? |
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Post by hayemel5 on Jan 15, 2019 15:54:40 GMT
We actually had a good talk last night. I tried with all my might to not cry or become over emotional. I explained that I was not having my emotional needs met, and he was calm and held the conversation. At no point, did he ask how he can be better at meeting my needs and really didn’t even ask. He acknowledged that we’ve been together through a lot. Told me he loves me a lot. But didn’t ask how to resolve stuff. This flair up of anxiety is coming from his recent promotion that he was just granted is going to require him (us) to move. I am not going to move again (2nd) time with him without being engaged and certainly not with the way things are now. He kept bringing it up the move and I finally had to share my thoughts. We talked, but in hindsight, it almost feels like he wanted me to just break up with him. Like he wasn’t going to push back. I’m sort of in limbo today. I feel like he doesn’t respect me, and never will. But he was totally willing to just continue our relationship, including a move, without really exploring the stuff that is clearly not working for either of us (lack of sex). He told me he even thought I was seeing someone else? Which I totally wasn’t, I just was distancing myself. Anyway, sorry for my ramble, I’m just feeling broken and sort of ashamed I didn’t pull the trigger last night. I guess it’s not too late to do so now. Better late than be stuck in the trap forever. I appreciate you guys. ❤️
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Post by ladynijo on Feb 12, 2019 21:36:09 GMT
Hey, no need to feel bad, I'm just recovering from a 30 year relationship with an avoidant type and I never figured what the problem actually was until after we broke up. And it was he that ended with me - I felt so stupid that I never saw it coming, despite the fact I knew things weren't right. It's been nearly 3 years now and I finally feel I'm getting back to maybe where I might have been confidence wise and the joy is coming back into my life. I don't trust myself to get into another romantic relationship at the moment, but I've got good friends, a fine job, and I'm feeling ok about my life - and since I'm AP that's amazing progress! I haven't worked out whether he is DA or FA - he hasn't contacted me for over 12 months, despite the fact we have joint property and a marriage to dissolve, so avoidant he most definitely is! But it no longer matters - you need to look out for yourself first. It'll be painful to start with, I was in shock for a long time, very tearful, panic attacks and felt I wasn't coping so went to therapy for about 6 months. But I think it's finally making sense and I wish I'd worked it out sooner.
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