laura
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Post by laura on Jan 12, 2019 16:30:58 GMT
Hey everyone!
Have you ever heard of Sudden Repulsive Syndrome? Have you experienced it? Was it during a marriage?
I experienced this last time I saw my ex husband. He wanted me back. The thought of him touching me made my skin crawl.
I remember experiencing this while in my early 20's and dating secure men. Ugh, if I knew then what I know now.
But, I've never experienced this during a relationship. I tend to have negative feelings, but it doesn't get to the point where I feel repulsed.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 13, 2019 1:13:47 GMT
Hey everyone! Have you ever heard of Sudden Repulsive Syndrome? Have you experienced it? Was it during a marriage? I experienced this last time I saw my ex husband. He wanted me back. The thought of him touching me made my skin crawl. I remember experiencing this while in my early 20's and dating secure men. Ugh, if I knew then what I know now. But, I've never experienced this during a relationship. I tend to have negative feelings, but it doesn't get to the point where I feel repulsed. Hmmm...I also felt that. To me it was when I had checked out mentally, physically, emotionally...at that point I felt repulsion at the thought of touch. I def knew I was over the person when I felt that way bc my love languages are time and touch. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 13, 2019 1:28:38 GMT
I haven't heard the term, but I've experienced feeling that way in several different circumstances of people, not necessarily just romantic. (I think I'm more AP than FA, but then in some relationships I feel avoidant, so maybe I'm FA, or swing around or... so this isn't necessarily an FA response.)
I haven't looked up the term "Sudden Repulsive Syndrome"to see how specific it is, but in terms of feeling repulsed by someone you previously didn't and where there isn't a particular reason for it-- I think there can be a lot of potential factors and reasons. Attachment style could be part of it certainly, mental health. Hormones. Life situations or the particular moment triggering old traumas, maybe health-related issues such as sleep deprivation, etc. Speaking of all of those things, for me it was strongest awhile after having had a second child, an incidentally or not I had several years of undiagnosed post-partum depression that I was in denial about.
In some cases it could be a valid inner voice saying this is NOT someone you should be with (in the case of a romantic partner) or that you need better physical boundaries with someone. But in other cases it really isn't about them at all but about things happening in your psyche that you could work on sussing out.
I also think it could be a form of projection in some ways-- projecting negative feelings or insecurities you have about yourself onto them and having it manifest as the feeling of repulsion.
Now that I have a healthier lifestyle (better sleep, better eating habits), am on an anti-depressant, and have done more psychological work of the sort we're all doing here, it's a much more minor thing and not always a thing, and I'm able to recognize if I have any moments of it that it is not a reflection of the other human.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2019 2:03:56 GMT
yes. i asked in another thread about comfort being in physical proximity - sometimes for me this comes on really strongly and i become repulsed by the intimacy.
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laura
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Post by laura on Jan 13, 2019 2:21:58 GMT
It's strange because now that a couple guys are finding out I'm single, they're starting to call again. Before my ex, they didn't repulse me. After my ex, they turn my stomach. And, after my last conversation with my ex a couple days ago, he was so verbally abusive. Something inside clicked and I knew I was done. He completely turned me off. I was joking with my friend and told her I want a t-shirt that says "I survived [insert his name here]"
But, I think I repulsed my ex too! And, now all men repulse me. I'm sure I'll get over that, but I'm taking a seriously long break from romantic relationships. I'm falling in love with myself.
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Post by happyidiot on Jan 14, 2019 7:43:54 GMT
It's my understanding that "Sudden Repulsion Syndrome" is just a term made up by some bloggers. It's interesting because a number of them just conclude it's your body's warning system alerting you to the fact that the person is actually objectively a terrible choice, whereas I have a strong suspicion it is highly associated with avoidance. Sure, maybe in some cases it's a response to actually realizing someone is wrong for you and it's over, but oftentimes a blogger will describe being very excited about someone, maybe rushing into things, and then out of nowhere feeling like she can't stand to be around him, and it's often triggered by some minor thing like he likes a band she hates or she notices he has a yellow tooth. This screams FA to me. I definitely get this "syndrome," but when it's not full on repulsion-level deactivation I am often able to get through it because I recognize what's going on and know that the feeling often passes. It depends how strong it is and when it occurs. I had it happen really strongly on a second date before and didn't think there was a point in trying to power through it. I had it happen with someone I was in a relationship with for years, although I can't recall if it was actually an overnight shift, I do remember feeling like a switch had flipped and I couldn't unflip it. I wish I could turn it on at will when dealing with people who are more avoidant than me who have broken my heart!
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Post by epicgum on Jan 14, 2019 17:58:29 GMT
It's my understanding that "Sudden Repulsion Syndrome" is just a term made up by some bloggers. It's interesting because a number of them just conclude it's your body's warning system alerting you to the fact that the person is actually objectively a terrible choice, whereas I have a strong suspicion it is highly associated with avoidance. Sure, maybe in some cases it's a response to actually realizing someone is wrong for you and it's over, but oftentimes a blogger will describe being very excited about someone, maybe rushing into things, and then out of nowhere feeling like she can't stand to be around him, and it's often triggered by some minor thing like he likes a band she hates or she notices he has a yellow tooth. This screams FA to me. I definitely get this "syndrome," but when it's not full on repulsion-level deactivation I am often able to get through it because I recognize what's going on and know that the feeling often passes. It depends how strong it is and when it occurs. I had it happen really strongly on a second date before and didn't think there was a point in trying to power through it. I had it happen with someone I was in a relationship with for years, although I can't recall if it was actually an overnight shift, I do remember feeling like a switch had flipped and I couldn't unflip it. I wish I could turn it on at will when dealing with people who are more avoidant than me who have broken my heart! I think you should listen to your feelings, but also not blindly do what they tell you to. So you may feel fear seeing a person of another race following you down the street at night, that doesn't mean that this person is a threat to you, but it does mean that there is something within you, or within your environment that needs to he understood and addressed. |
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Post by happyidiot on Jan 15, 2019 1:32:31 GMT
I think you should listen to your feelings, but also not blindly do what they tell you to. So you may feel fear seeing a person of another race following you down the street at night, that doesn't mean that this person is a threat to you, but it does mean that there is something within you, or within your environment that needs to he understood and addressed. Exactly, not just automatically act on any urge/feeling, nor just stuff it down and try to ignore it, but to try to examine where they are really coming from. Sometimes it so tough to tell the difference between intuition and fear though. |
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Post by boomerang on Jan 15, 2019 13:05:34 GMT
I wonder if this sudden repulsive syndrome is what's happening with my ex DA/FA (have never decided which, he is super strongly avoidant, but has exhibited anxiety and in previous breakups circled back, too). I have reached out to him exactly twice since the horrible breakup in August (he with me), both polite short interactions, the last time 2 months ago. He has not reached out to me at all. Today I saw him standing alone at work and went over to talk to him with a smile and he barely responded when I asked what was new, didn't smile back, wouldn't maintain eye contact, clearly did not want to engage. It was extremely awkward. When I came home and journaled about it I wrote, "it is is he is repulsed by me as person now", because that it exactly what it felt like. Although two weeks ago he was smiling at me and wishing me happy new year, which I responded to in kind, the last time I saw him --in passing-- a week ago he wouldn't make eye contact either, and today was as I described. I am not sure how to respond to it, frankly--meaning, how to behave the next time I see him. As the "repulsee". I've been leaving him alone as that seems to be what he wants. it's just a question of whether I don't acknowledge him or I do.
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laura
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Post by laura on Jan 15, 2019 16:02:02 GMT
I have no idea. What I know is I’m finally in no contact with my ex because I needed to do it for me. Last time we spoke, I felt as if he was repulsed one minute but saying he missed me the next. I’m an AP. I typically lose attraction after the relationship has worn itself out and I can finally do no more. I usually know right away if a guy is attracted to me or not within the first few weeks. Being with an avoidant, I never could really tell. I remember only one time he gushed over how “pretty” I looked. Other than that, he never really showed emotion until the end when he became overwhelmed with anxiety and anger.
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Post by boomerang on Jan 16, 2019 9:49:35 GMT
I have no idea. What I know is I’m finally in no contact with my ex because I needed to do it for me. Last time we spoke, I felt as if he was repulsed one minute but saying he missed me the next. I’m an AP. I typically lose attraction after the relationship has worn itself out and I can finally do no more. I usually know right away if a guy is attracted to me or not within the first few weeks. Being with an avoidant, I never could really tell. I remember only one time he gushed over how “pretty” I looked. Other than that, he never really showed emotion until the end when he became overwhelmed with anxiety and anger. Yes, hard to read for sure... I am NC, but I run into him at work and the H/C thing is still going on. I end up doing it, too, TBH, as I feel awkward when he is prickly. Then I avoid/don't acknowledge. So I just need to decide how I handle this stupid dance on my end as I want to be consistent. I am thinking maybe the goal I need to strive for is to just be nice like I am to everyone without reacting awkwardly, maybe. It is very difficult. But if my being nice and normal triggers him, I can't do anything about it other than focus on not reacting myself, even if he has settled on "repulsion". I just don't want him to make me feel like I chasing him, if that is what being friendly feels like to him, as the coldness upsets me. I do not want to exacerbate it, but suspect being awkward myself makes things even worse. I am feeling like there is no middle ground. Full on NC would be infinitely easier, were it possible. |
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laura
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Post by laura on Jan 16, 2019 12:41:12 GMT
I may be incorrect but positivity is attractive. There was a reason he was attracted to you in the beginning, right? He may also be acting strange for all sorts of reasons not related to you. I would treat him like everyone else but not engage in conversation. If he feels like you are positive and won't reject him, I'd think he'd come to you to talk when ready.
This is advice I'm trying to use for myself. I can overanalyze every movement my ex makes. When in reality, he could have been rushing to get off the phone because he had to use the bathroom. Haha! But, being an AP, it's ALWAYS about me and I ALWAYS want to help. No wonder he and I didn't click!
Good luck! Working with an ex is hard.
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 18, 2019 21:16:04 GMT
I wonder if this sudden repulsive syndrome is what's happening with my ex DA/FA (have never decided which, he is super strongly avoidant, but has exhibited anxiety and in previous breakups circled back, too). I have reached out to him exactly twice since the horrible breakup in August (he with me), both polite short interactions, the last time 2 months ago. He has not reached out to me at all. Today I saw him standing alone at work and went over to talk to him with a smile and he barely responded when I asked what was new, didn't smile back, wouldn't maintain eye contact, clearly did not want to engage. It was extremely awkward. When I came home and journaled about it I wrote, "it is is he is repulsed by me as person now", because that it exactly what it felt like. Although two weeks ago he was smiling at me and wishing me happy new year, which I responded to in kind, the last time I saw him --in passing-- a week ago he wouldn't make eye contact either, and today was as I described. I am not sure how to respond to it, frankly--meaning, how to behave the next time I see him. As the "repulsee". I've been leaving him alone as that seems to be what he wants. it's just a question of whether I don't acknowledge him or I do.
boomerang, you may be reading into this way too much. Perhaps he was frustrated and in a bad mood about some area of life that had nothing to do with you. Sometimes people just want to be alone, but they're stuck at work, and so on. It may have nothing to do with how they feel about you. |
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Post by happyidiot on Jan 18, 2019 22:54:31 GMT
I wonder if this sudden repulsive syndrome is what's happening with my ex DA/FA (have never decided which, he is super strongly avoidant, but has exhibited anxiety and in previous breakups circled back, too). I have reached out to him exactly twice since the horrible breakup in August (he with me), both polite short interactions, the last time 2 months ago. He has not reached out to me at all. Today I saw him standing alone at work and went over to talk to him with a smile and he barely responded when I asked what was new, didn't smile back, wouldn't maintain eye contact, clearly did not want to engage. It was extremely awkward. When I came home and journaled about it I wrote, "it is is he is repulsed by me as person now", because that it exactly what it felt like. Although two weeks ago he was smiling at me and wishing me happy new year, which I responded to in kind, the last time I saw him --in passing-- a week ago he wouldn't make eye contact either, and today was as I described. I am not sure how to respond to it, frankly--meaning, how to behave the next time I see him. As the "repulsee". I've been leaving him alone as that seems to be what he wants. it's just a question of whether I don't acknowledge him or I do.
boomerang , you may be reading into this way too much. Perhaps he was frustrated and in a bad mood about some area of life that had nothing to do with you. Sometimes people just want to be alone, but they're stuck at work, and so on. It may have nothing to do with how they feel about you. Or sometimes they feel guilty and don't know how to deal with the person they feel guilty about. |
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Post by boomerang on Jan 19, 2019 7:39:44 GMT
yeah, who knows...I am sure guilt is there. Bad days may be there. This prickly-alternatively-warm thing is new since we ended things and comes and goes in phases, but I can only guess at the cause. In any event, I put my new resolve into practice when I saw him again this week and he was normal again. I'm just going to stick to that because I do not want to find myself responding in kind, it makes me feel even more awkward and bad, and I also do not want to hurt his feelings. It will take some discipline, though--I have to force myself to step up with a smile and normal social openness when someone is cold/dismissive/prickly. My instinct is to withdraw/ignore/escape the awkwardness. Which may be what he is doing. I am AP, but on some ways he and I are very alike, I think. sigh. But talking this out and thinking it through in terms of how I handle ME is good. Thanks, everyone.
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