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Post by number9 on Jan 27, 2019 20:24:30 GMT
I am in such a highly activated state as an AP. It's been going on for years. I've tried to find counselling, which I can't afford, but it seems like counsellors don't really get it. In fact, I didn't really "get it" until learning about attachment types.
Currently I'm in a "once a week" arrangement with my FA boyfriend, who I've been with for nearly 8 years. I've got some good friends who are supportive, but I know I've really pushed the limit of how much to talk about it with them. It seems like I've already said everything about it that bothers me, and they've said everything they can to be encouraging (most say "get out - you can do better - you deserve someone who is there for you consistently, etc.")
I am sooooooooo preoccupied with the relationship, even though there are other aspects of my life that could use that attention and energy I spend stressing and ruminating about the relationship and what I should do. I wish I could find a good counsellor but can't afford it. I have quite a few books on Kindle (including Jeb's Love/leave dismissive partner) -- but I'm still suffering deeply.
I must add that we are in the same community (a neighbourhood/scene) and "no contact" would not likely work for long.
Any advice re: how to help myself with this? (And thanks to everyone on here; I've been lurking for several weeks!)
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Post by nottheonion on Jan 27, 2019 21:44:11 GMT
I was an ex AP, now I’m an FA but I am definitely getting better compared to my old self.
When I was an AP a few years ago, it was very bad. I was severely depressed as well (self harm and all that). It made things worse when I got into a relationship with a verbally abusive man and things turned physical once. So I was not only a classic AP but a really bad one. I would cry everyday for every little things, e.g when my ex was out without me, when my ex didn’t return my texts quick enough, I was depressed and had no friend so he was pretty much my only friend back then. I was just not myself.
I tried therapy for free from my university but I think it only helped a tiny bit. I write a lot online trying to express my feelings and gain advice as well. I read self help books (only those I think were scientific or recommend). I think the most important thing I did that help me get out of the AP stage was to build the life I dream of, work really hard towards my life goals and have lots of non-romantic support. I’ve just become a better person overall.
The most most important thing is to learn to be happy on your own. It’s been three and a half years since my self improvement journey. I think last year was the first time I realised I am actually living a very good life right now and I just feel happy in general. I still feel anxious over not having a partner. I still feel anxious over some guy not texting me back. I think it’s natural. It’s normal. Even though I’m now an FA and I do have tendency to withdraw due to my new found “independence” and past trauma, I’ve not felt the same anxiety I did when I was an AP for longer than I could remember.
Most APs I know have low self esteem. I did too. Even though I’m not an earned secure yet, I actually feel proud of myself and that’s a big reason why I’m no longer an AP. I mostly only feel anxious over fear of abandonment (while knowing my own worth so it’s just really a battle with my own fear now). I just don’t see how anyone can get rid of the AP stage with low self esteem. Something that I feel you could work on without a therapist.
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Post by number9 on Jan 27, 2019 21:54:08 GMT
Thank you. Your suggestion is a very helpful reminder. I've also been looking into the concept of self-compassion. It's good to know things are going better and that you are proud of yourself for the work you've done. I'm proud of myself for reaching out and making some new friends; in fact, I'm about to go for a little walk in the woods with a couple of them. I'm still in the "once a week" arrangement for now, but will work on the self-esteem regardless of that or not.
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 29, 2019 0:49:26 GMT
Do factors like sleep, meditation or exercise make a difference?
I also think books could help-- there are a lot of book recommendations on these boards.
You may also want to try a cognitive-behavioral-therapy book like "Feeling Good" by David Burns that give a systematic way to alter your thinking patterns.
If you have anxiety or depression issues and want to try medications, often a regular doctor will prescribe one.
Like Nottheonion said, work on being well-rounded in life. At the same time, I think focusing on just one thing (ex: exercising more, socializing more, whatever) can make a big difference if you figure out for yourself what you most need.
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Post by number9 on Feb 1, 2019 1:10:22 GMT
Thanks to all!
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Post by epicgum on Feb 1, 2019 14:35:34 GMT
I get sliding scale counseling at a local university, I pay 30 bucks a session. There might be free options for you as well.
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andy
Full Member
Posts: 131
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Post by andy on Feb 1, 2019 16:44:09 GMT
number9 - in another thread months ago I offered a PDF of the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Workbook. It is really good for de-escalating distress in the moment and learning skills to regulate your own nervous system, though I don't think it helps address deeper AP issues so much. Anyway, it could be one component of an approach to AP healing. I uploaded it to Google Drive to help other members who can't afford counselling or expensive books, and quite a few people direct messaged me to get the link. All of you are very welcome to message me about that anytime - it is no trouble at all for me to let you know where you can download it. Good luck and hugs to you.
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Post by anne12 on Feb 1, 2019 17:15:49 GMT
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