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Post by superman1 on Feb 11, 2019 18:20:09 GMT
I've recently realised this is my attachment style and it has lead to all kinds of needyness and codependency in relationships.
So I've been dating a very SECURE guy since January. He is so chilled and happy in his own company. I find this strange as an AP. He tells me he enjoys spending time with me, but likes a lot of his own time aswell, is very happy in his own company. He doesn't text in between meeting up and we might meet at most twice a week.
I talked to him about the texting and said it would be nice if we had some contact in between dates. He has started to text a bit more to be fair to him but I can tell it's not natural lol.
It really is bringing up all my insecure stuff. I am carefree and spontaneous, I wouldn't mind him calling anytime or staying for longer than he wants. Like when he stays on over I wouldn't mind him staying all weekend but he does one night. I've never met anyone like this.
I'm trying to work on my Attachment style, reading a lot about it and starting therapy. I am hoping being around a secure guy will help in healing aswell?
So my question is am I right to hang in there with such differing attachment styles or is he just not that into me?
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Post by alexandra on Feb 11, 2019 20:01:02 GMT
There's not enough information here to tell if he's secure or not, but if he's free and easy about discussing personal topics and issues (like being responsive to your concern about wanting more texting while communicating and holding his own boundary for space), that's a good start. It may be rushing things to throw in the towel. Can you think about the extra time he gives you as time to focus on yourself and directing effort into healing your AP (which is a long process that does take work), versus thinking of it as time he's not filling for you? If he is secure, once you build up trust and have a committed relationship (if you two are compatible enough that you both want to commit, of course), then he'll give you the space to do your work but take away the pressure/anxiety of having to meet someone new and date which may allow more mindshare for AP healing.
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Post by superman1 on Feb 11, 2019 23:21:45 GMT
There's not enough information here to tell if he's secure or not, but if he's free and easy about discussing personal topics and issues (like being responsive to your concern about wanting more texting while communicating and holding his own boundary for space), that's a good start. It may be rushing things to throw in the towel. Can you think about the extra time he gives you as time to focus on yourself and directing effort into healing your AP (which is a long process that does take work), versus thinking of it as time he's not filling for you? If he is secure, once you build up trust and have a committed relationship (if you two are compatible enough that you both want to commit, of course), then he'll give you the space to do your work but take away the pressure/anxiety of having to meet someone new and date which may allow more mindshare for AP healing. Yes we had a chat tonight and he's so open to talking things out which does help. We talked about each other's definition of what a relationship is and turns out we had differences and similarities. I think you hit the nail on the head about me using that free time to work on myself. I really need to take it seriously and use that time for me. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2019 4:21:18 GMT
I identified as an AP in serious rships, and i've recently got to know someone who is like that too. hates texting, and we never really text in between dates (which is so far a week apart, then i flew off for a month). even then, we barely text. i've brought this up and he said he's just not fluent in texting. he does respond when i text, but it's so awkward, even i don't feel like texting - and i love texting.
i don't know if you've committed to this person (sounds like not), but you can take this as a little experiment! if you get insecurities brought up, you can take this opportunity to work on stuff - write it down in real time, and then work on them immediately! this is like feedback on your attachment issues in real time!! if you are serious about healing, this is a wonderful time to get things going. if you have new skills you'd like to practice, practice them right now. if he is truly secure and not just appearing to be, he'll be a good help to facilitate that process.
alot of work we're doing is post-hoc, meaning shit has gone down already, and now we're working on things mostly removed from the situation that triggered us. for me, having a real life situation to practice these things is fantastic for me to judge if i really am healing and getting better, and also to really develop relationship skills like clear communication etc; otherwise it's all just hypothetical.
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Post by glenjo99 on Feb 12, 2019 7:24:34 GMT
I identified as an AP in serious rships, and i've recently got to know someone who is like that too. hates texting, and we never really text in between dates (which is so far a week apart, then i flew off for a month). even then, we barely text. i've brought this up and he said he's just not fluent in texting. he does respond when i text, but it's so awkward, even i don't feel like texting - and i love texting. i don't know if you've committed to this person (sounds like not), but you can take this as a little experiment! if you get insecurities brought up, you can take this opportunity to work on stuff - write it down in real time, and then work on them immediately! this is like feedback on your attachment issues in real time!! if you are serious about healing, this is a wonderful time to get things going. if you have new skills you'd like to practice, practice them right now. if he is truly secure and not just appearing to be, he'll be a good help to facilitate that process. alot of work we're doing is post-hoc, meaning shit has gone down already, and now we're working on things mostly removed from the situation that triggered us. for me, having a real life situation to practice these things is fantastic for me to judge if i really am healing and getting better, and also to really develop relationship skills like clear communication etc; otherwise it's all just hypothetical. You know, I actually am seeing it as a kind of experiment. It's like it's an opportunity to heal some of my stuff and to be able to communicate my needs and wants while scary is brilliant. I never did this before. I overreacted last week and finished it with him(protest) because he cancelled plans which then triggered me. I explained this to him last night. I recognized this as protest behaviour what reading about AP. He told me he is not one to fight for someone if they leave, that you can't make someone be with you! That shocked me but was very honest. The reason I also wanted to talk with him is because I believe a lot of healing can be done within a relationship as opposed to hypothetically as you say. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 12, 2019 8:24:55 GMT
glenjo99 - “He told me he is not one to fight for someone if they leave, that you can't make someone be with you!” This kind of random statement could be a preemptive sign that the person’s avoidant and tends to walk away easily or look for a weakness and a way out. A secure would also leave if someone didn’t want them, but at first they’d explore possible solutions and not be so fast to dismiss a person. Just be leery of statements like this- I’ve been with a DA for 2 years (officially dumped months ago) and in the very early stages there were early warning statements like this one that I heard, but missed because he was acting so wonderful with me. His actions didn’t align with his statements and I didn’t accept he was less than in any way. Not to me. Now, those statements are ABUNDANTLY and painfully clear. Now I’m the one he cut.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2019 9:13:07 GMT
YUP. im onboard with that. mine too. he would also repeat it throughout the relationship and it triggered the crap out of me. at some point, it felt like a threat and there was no way of discussing conflicts because conflict itself becomes a reason to walk away, even if it's trivial.
what i've realised is that what is said might be logically accurate and sound legit - i can't make someone be with me either! - but it's the way that's said that's quite alarming. it may sound secure, but the feeling given off/induced is definitely not one of security. it's quite hard to say in the absence of information if that's the case for you, but that's something I'd pay attention to and see if there are patterns. fyi, the one i was talking about in my previous post, when chatting, said a couple of things I immediately called him out on. for example, he said "he's ready for a relationship because he's willing to be dictated by someone else" and "i don't like it when loved ones do things for me because then I feel obligated to repay them". already, the words "dictated" and "obligated" raise red flags for me. the only thing that so far is a good thing, is the self-proclaimed ability to have open honest conversations, of which he already initiated one with me. that was great for practicing, but i'm not holding out any hopes that it'll end in a good healthy relationship.
it would be hard to heal in this context, but you can practise skills especially in regulating your behavior and reactions. do not assume that if you practiced and mastered them, the relationship will definitely work - the outcome of the relationship is not the key indicator of your growth. there is you and there is them; be aware of your own issues, but also be very aware of the other party's speech and behaviors.
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Post by glenjo99 on Feb 12, 2019 10:39:16 GMT
YUP. im onboard with that. mine too. he would also repeat it throughout the relationship and it triggered the crap out of me. at some point, it felt like a threat and there was no way of discussing conflicts because conflict itself becomes a reason to walk away, even if it's trivial. what i've realised is that what is said might be logically accurate and sound legit - i can't make someone be with me either! - but it's the way that's said that's quite alarming. it may sound secure, but the feeling given off/induced is definitely not one of security. it's quite hard to say in the absence of information if that's the case for you, but that's something I'd pay attention to and see if there are patterns. fyi, the one i was talking about in my previous post, when chatting, said a couple of things I immediately called him out on. for example, he said "he's ready for a relationship because he's willing to be dictated by someone else" and "i don't like it when loved ones do things for me because then I feel obligated to repay them". already, the words "dictated" and "obligated" raise red flags for me. the only thing that so far is a good thing, is the self-proclaimed ability to have open honest conversations, of which he already initiated one with me. that was great for practicing, but i'm not holding out any hopes that it'll end in a good healthy relationship. it would be hard to heal in this context, but you can practise skills especially in regulating your behavior and reactions. do not assume that if you practiced and mastered them, the relationship will definitely work - the outcome of the relationship is not the key indicator of your growth. there is you and there is them; be aware of your own issues, but also be very aware of the other party's speech and behaviors. You know that's really good to hear that as I did wonder about that statement. I said to him it sounds a bit unemotional and if it were me I would at least try and see if things could be worked out, but he said what's the point if the other person is done. It's interesting to hear this may be avoidant. We talked about our definitions of what a relationship is and agreed on it. I said I want to at least know there's the possibility that something may grow eventually. He said it could lead to nothing and it could lead to marriage, he doesn't know he just tried to live in the moment. So I said once I know that in your brain you are open to the possibility of it growing and it could potentially work out then that's what I needed to hear. He said yes. He said he doesn't want to hurt me as he likes me, and that a couple of people in his past have gotten hurt because they liked him more than he did them, and he said it's a horrible feeling when they are hurt. He remains friends with them. He said he's aware he can come across unemotional and robotic at times but that he does really like me and wants to talk about things. He has said he will try meet up more often, initiate things more and text a bit more. I mean at least he's open to all this and trying. His last relationship he said he thinks he was infatuated with the other guy, but it wasn't love in hindsight. That guy ended it with him. I hear what you say about the outcome of the relationship not being an indicator of my growth. I see this relationship as part of it, but there's a lot more to me than it. I'm determined now to put work in on healing from being AP. |
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Post by glenjo99 on Feb 12, 2019 10:42:43 GMT
glenjo99 - “He told me he is not one to fight for someone if they leave, that you can't make someone be with you!” This kind of random statement could be a preemptive sign that the person’s avoidant and tends to walk away easily or look for a weakness and a way out. A secure would also leave if someone didn’t want them, but at first they’d explore possible solutions and not be so fast to dismiss a person. Just be leery of statements like this- I’ve been with a DA for 2 years (officially dumped months ago) and in the very early stages there were early warning statements like this one that I heard, but missed because he was acting so wonderful with me. His actions didn’t align with his statements and I didn’t accept he was less than in any way. Not to me. Now, those statements are ABUNDANTLY and painfully clear. Now I’m the one he cut. Thanks I will keep this in mind. It's all so early and it's good to hear this type of information in here. It may be a warning sign as you say so I'll watch out for other signs. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2019 12:18:35 GMT
YUP. im onboard with that. mine too. he would also repeat it throughout the relationship and it triggered the crap out of me. at some point, it felt like a threat and there was no way of discussing conflicts because conflict itself becomes a reason to walk away, even if it's trivial. what i've realised is that what is said might be logically accurate and sound legit - i can't make someone be with me either! - but it's the way that's said that's quite alarming. it may sound secure, but the feeling given off/induced is definitely not one of security. it's quite hard to say in the absence of information if that's the case for you, but that's something I'd pay attention to and see if there are patterns. fyi, the one i was talking about in my previous post, when chatting, said a couple of things I immediately called him out on. for example, he said "he's ready for a relationship because he's willing to be dictated by someone else" and "i don't like it when loved ones do things for me because then I feel obligated to repay them". already, the words "dictated" and "obligated" raise red flags for me. the only thing that so far is a good thing, is the self-proclaimed ability to have open honest conversations, of which he already initiated one with me. that was great for practicing, but i'm not holding out any hopes that it'll end in a good healthy relationship. it would be hard to heal in this context, but you can practise skills especially in regulating your behavior and reactions. do not assume that if you practiced and mastered them, the relationship will definitely work - the outcome of the relationship is not the key indicator of your growth. there is you and there is them; be aware of your own issues, but also be very aware of the other party's speech and behaviors. You know that's really good to hear that as I did wonder about that statement. I said to him it sounds a bit unemotional and if it were me I would at least try and see if things could be worked out, but he said what's the point if the other person is done. It's interesting to hear this may be avoidant. We talked about our definitions of what a relationship is and agreed on it. I said I want to at least know there's the possibility that something may grow eventually. He said it could lead to nothing and it could lead to marriage, he doesn't know he just tried to live in the moment. So I said once I know that in your brain you are open to the possibility of it growing and it could potentially work out then that's what I needed to hear. He said yes. He said he doesn't want to hurt me as he likes me, and that a couple of people in his past have gotten hurt because they liked him more than he did them, and he said it's a horrible feeling when they are hurt. He remains friends with them. He said he's aware he can come across unemotional and robotic at times but that he does really like me and wants to talk about things. He has said he will try meet up more often, initiate things more and text a bit more. I mean at least he's open to all this and trying. His last relationship he said he thinks he was infatuated with the other guy, but it wasn't love in hindsight. That guy ended it with him. I hear what you say about the outcome of the relationship not being an indicator of my growth. I see this relationship as part of it, but there's a lot more to me than it. I'm determined now to put work in on healing from being AP. All of that sounds like avoidant tendencies. it’s good that he seems positive and takes initiative to do more. I think the key is to keep communicating and investing in building a relationship and regulating the dynamic; as long as both parties are aware, willing, and able, I think it’s great. FYI, my exDA was very ardent and passionate, begging me not to leave him at the beginning, and making lots of effort to contact me and be available to me. Once the commitment was sort of concrete, it was a complete change of behavior - one that he didn’t think “it was a big deal” and “he already got to know me so why do we need to talk”. This sort of pursuit behavior is easy to initiate but difficult to maintain, and I’m looking to see if these ardent pursuers are consistent and long lasting, particularly after commitment. I’m keeping my emotional commitment at bay until I feel secure within the rship, rather than base on how intense the chemistry is (which is what I usually do). My current approach to meeting insecures is that I just keep a cool distance from them, even if they are hot on my heels. I am with you on trying to heal my AP and within the context of a rship - hence I’m dating! I also explicitly tell myself that if the rship/guy is not helpful to the healing, they’ve got to go. I did have a think about this since I last posted. I think a key insight is that regardless of whether what I feel is reasonable (another thing to decide), but my responses need to be thoughtful, regulated and held to high standards of what I’d like my life to be - consistent, clear, and honest. Regardless of what they are, that’s what I’ll practice. It’s just a lot easier when they can have an emotionally honest convo!!! |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 12, 2019 20:02:02 GMT
glenjo99 - “He told me he is not one to fight for someone if they leave, that you can't make someone be with you!” This kind of random statement could be a preemptive sign that the person’s avoidant and tends to walk away easily or look for a weakness and a way out. A secure would also leave if someone didn’t want them, but at first they’d explore possible solutions and not be so fast to dismiss a person. Just be leery of statements like this- I’ve been with a DA for 2 years (officially dumped months ago) and in the very early stages there were early warning statements like this one that I heard, but missed because he was acting so wonderful with me. His actions didn’t align with his statements and I didn’t accept he was less than in any way. Not to me. Now, those statements are ABUNDANTLY and painfully clear. Now I’m the one he cut. Thanks I will keep this in mind. It's all so early and it's good to hear this type of information in here. It may be a warning sign as you say so I'll watch out for other signs. It could be a sign, there's still not enough information. What was iffy for me is you said you never met anyone like this. Do you know anything about his past relationships? Or can you ask? When I used to date really unaware insecurely attached avoidants, their dating histories were dramatic and messy. But at least they were honest about that. At this point, I still think you're better off paying more attention to your own attachment and sorting out if you're getting triggered by him directly and something difficult he did or being triggered by yourself and projecting your own issues. I learned how to do that early on in my process, just through paying attention to myself and introspecting not through any particular method, and that really helped me be able to say if something bothering me was a projected me problem to deal with on my own or actually a relationship problem. |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 12, 2019 20:14:28 GMT
Oh, I missed your post about his dating history. Him saying he's robotic etc. may be avoidant, may be low EQ for other reasons, but probably won't end up being fulfilling for you as an AP (or even as an earned secure from AP). I've dated people like that, and it can get difficult when you need to resolve standard relationship problems later on. If you do turn out to be getting frequently triggered by him, you may want to reconsider this, but if it's not triggering you, no harm in getting to know him better.
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Post by simply on Apr 2, 2019 5:16:06 GMT
You think he is secure because he is very happy and chilled in his own company? I think a lot of avoidants feel that way, a sense of 'happiness' from their own company because they can't do closeness and they hate people. Not saying your guy is that but usually secures will reward you twice or more closeness than you ask for. They are comfortable with intimacy and closeness with people. They allow closeness into their lives. So in this sense, your guy doesn't sound very secure to me. They also don't shy away from texting.
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Post by 8675309 on Apr 2, 2019 12:33:47 GMT
Secures are actually good with their own company, its being secure and not a defense like avoidants. I certainly am. Healing for APs they need to be secure with themselves and be ok being alone with themselves, this is a big issue with AP attachment. Im not a big text person, I find it kind of annoying to converse via text and I dont want to text all day everyday like some and this has nothing to do with avoidance. Its I didnt grow up with texting, texting so much can taken out of context and Im busy. Some of us are just not into texting and its not an attachment thing, I dont care about you thing, I dont want closeness things, etc. I think text is best saying quick hellos, confirming plans, etc not a way of communicating all the time. People have become obsessed with texting like its the be all of life/relationships and not texting enough/responding fast, etc is an issue when much of the issue is people need to get off their phones! LOL
remember people lived life and had relations when texting did not exist... Do you think people called all day everyday like texting? Nope. They called and made plans and out went on a date or you actually talked not this lets not talk and just text BS.
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