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Post by tnr9 on Feb 18, 2019 17:42:45 GMT
After seeing B yesterday....I realize that there are aspects to him that would be worth noting. I have always felt resistant to laying those facts out because I know what it is like to be judged because of outward appearances versus internal intentions. The little girl aspect of me wants to continue to see B in very glorious ways...she sees his potential and clings to it...but it then denies reality and skews his traits. So, without any judgement, I have decided to lay out the facts, the reality so to speak...knowing that it does not change how I view his heart or the potential I see in him.
B is 40
He lives with his parents for financial reasons
He has a 19 year old son, the story of him and his son’s mom is complicated...but he did spend some time in jail for not paying child support
B has a felony for a poor choice he made when he was younger
The longest that B has held a job is 3 years
The longest relationship B has had was with me...10.5 months
B has used drugs and tends to overdo it on alcohol (although the last couple of times he was over he stuck strictly to water....not sure it is just because he knows how he gets with alcohol or simply because he had to study for school)
B has ADD but is not currently on medication, and tends to forget things...dates etc
His dad was very strict with him as a child and I don’t think he has ever really worked through his anger at his dad(who he lives with), from what I saw, he gets passive/aggressive
That is all I could come up with before that little girl aspect started to provide reasons for everything...which is again, trying to put him on a pedestal.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2019 18:50:34 GMT
After seeing B yesterday....I realize that there are aspects to him that would be worth noting. I have always felt resistant to laying those facts out because I know what it is like to be judged because of outward appearances versus internal intentions. The little girl aspect of me wants to continue to see B in very glorious ways...she sees his potential and clings to it...but it then denies reality and skews his traits. So, without any judgement, I have decided to lay out the facts, the reality so to speak...knowing that it does not change how I view his heart or the potential I see in him. B is 40 He lives with his parents for financial reasons He has a 19 year old son, the story of him and his son’s mom is complicated...but he did spend some time in jail for not paying child support B has a felony for a poor choice he made when he was younger The longest that B has held a job is 3 years The longest relationship B has had was with me...10.5 months B has used drugs and tends to overdo it on alcohol (although the last couple of times he was over he stuck strictly to water....not sure it is just because he knows how he gets with alcohol or simply because he had to study for school) B has ADD but is not currently on medication, and tends to forget things...dates etc His dad was very strict with him as a child and I don’t think he has ever really worked through his anger at his dad(who he lives with), from what I saw, he gets passive/aggressive That is all I could come up with before that little girl aspect started to provide reasons for everything...which is again, trying to put him on a pedestal. Wow, honestly the pedestal thing is surprising to me. This is a good exercise. Yesterday in your post I didn't realize that is what you were doing- idealizing him. I saw other anxious posters identifying that while I was taking your descriptions as a more objective observation. It's good you are trying to see him in a more realistic light and not cloaking yourself in illusions. The emotional mind sure can run amok can't it?You're expending a huge amount of energy on this guy, but I hope you find freedom from this soon! Keep trying new things. It's a great way to get out of a rut. |
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Post by ocarina on Feb 18, 2019 19:01:07 GMT
After seeing B yesterday....I realize that there are aspects to him that would be worth noting. I have always felt resistant to laying those facts out because I know what it is like to be judged because of outward appearances versus internal intentions. The little girl aspect of me wants to continue to see B in very glorious ways...she sees his potential and clings to it...but it then denies reality and skews his traits. So, without any judgement, I have decided to lay out the facts, the reality so to speak...knowing that it does not change how I view his heart or the potential I see in him. B is 40 He lives with his parents for financial reasons He has a 19 year old son, the story of him and his son’s mom is complicated...but he did spend some time in jail for not paying child support B has a felony for a poor choice he made when he was younger The longest that B has held a job is 3 years The longest relationship B has had was with me...10.5 months B has used drugs and tends to overdo it on alcohol (although the last couple of times he was over he stuck strictly to water....not sure it is just because he knows how he gets with alcohol or simply because he had to study for school) B has ADD but is not currently on medication, and tends to forget things...dates etc His dad was very strict with him as a child and I don’t think he has ever really worked through his anger at his dad(who he lives with), from what I saw, he gets passive/aggressive That is all I could come up with before that little girl aspect started to provide reasons for everything...which is again, trying to put him on a pedestal. The point learnt from this is that you can tell yourself whatever - they are just stories. You have a habitual story - we all do, but it is not the objective truth and yet it seems real to you.
So the stories you tell yourself about yourself and about B are "Real but Not True". What this means is that, while thoughts are really happening and there is a real biochemistry that accompanies them, they are only representations in our mind. Noticing this can help to disengage from thoughts and beliefs.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 18, 2019 19:39:12 GMT
After seeing B yesterday....I realize that there are aspects to him that would be worth noting. I have always felt resistant to laying those facts out because I know what it is like to be judged because of outward appearances versus internal intentions. The little girl aspect of me wants to continue to see B in very glorious ways...she sees his potential and clings to it...but it then denies reality and skews his traits. So, without any judgement, I have decided to lay out the facts, the reality so to speak...knowing that it does not change how I view his heart or the potential I see in him. B is 40 He lives with his parents for financial reasons He has a 19 year old son, the story of him and his son’s mom is complicated...but he did spend some time in jail for not paying child support B has a felony for a poor choice he made when he was younger The longest that B has held a job is 3 years The longest relationship B has had was with me...10.5 months B has used drugs and tends to overdo it on alcohol (although the last couple of times he was over he stuck strictly to water....not sure it is just because he knows how he gets with alcohol or simply because he had to study for school) B has ADD but is not currently on medication, and tends to forget things...dates etc His dad was very strict with him as a child and I don’t think he has ever really worked through his anger at his dad(who he lives with), from what I saw, he gets passive/aggressive That is all I could come up with before that little girl aspect started to provide reasons for everything...which is again, trying to put him on a pedestal. Wow, honestly the pedestal thing is surprising to me. This is a good exercise. Yesterday in your post I didn't realize that is what you were doing- idealizing him. I saw other anxious posters identifying that while I was taking your descriptions as a more objective observation. It's good you are trying to see him in a more realistic light and not cloaking yourself in illusions. The emotional mind sure can run amok can't it?You're expending a huge amount of energy on this guy, but I hope you find freedom from this soon! Keep trying new things. It's a great way to get out of a rut. Yeh...welcome to the AP view....I think it is best understood by looking at a child whose parent is inconsistent...sometimes happy, sometimes not....the child can not grasp this is the parent’s problem, so there is an internalized message....I am the problem...which is usually validated through the abandonment that the child fears and feels and starts a perpetual thought of there is not “enough”...I am not enough. Oh gosh...I have an incredibly active imagination...have since I was very young. My friends would often say that B was not all I was making him out to be...but I was smitten....still am. So yes...all is not as I make it out to be in the majority of my posts regarding B. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2019 20:18:11 GMT
Wow, honestly the pedestal thing is surprising to me. This is a good exercise. Yesterday in your post I didn't realize that is what you were doing- idealizing him. I saw other anxious posters identifying that while I was taking your descriptions as a more objective observation. It's good you are trying to see him in a more realistic light and not cloaking yourself in illusions. The emotional mind sure can run amok can't it?You're expending a huge amount of energy on this guy, but I hope you find freedom from this soon! Keep trying new things. It's a great way to get out of a rut. Yeh...welcome to the AP view....I think it is best understood by looking at a child whose parent is inconsistent...sometimes happy, sometimes not....the child can not grasp this is the parent’s problem, so there is an internalized message....I am the problem...which is usually validated through the abandonment that the child fears and feels and starts a perpetual thought of there is not “enough”...I am not enough. Oh gosh...I have an incredibly active imagination...have since I was very young. My friends would often say that B was not all I was making him out to be...but I was smitten....still am. So yes...all is not as I make it out to be in the majority of my posts regarding B. I hope you can get out of your head eventually and stop giving your life away to these self defeating fantasies. You are spending all this time and emotion on someone who isn't even there for you. Life is way too short and precious to waste it away on self defeating habits. It would be cool if you saw half the potential in yourself as you see in him. I sincerely wish you the best, keep trying. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 18, 2019 20:33:30 GMT
Yeh...welcome to the AP view....I think it is best understood by looking at a child whose parent is inconsistent...sometimes happy, sometimes not....the child can not grasp this is the parent’s problem, so there is an internalized message....I am the problem...which is usually validated through the abandonment that the child fears and feels and starts a perpetual thought of there is not “enough”...I am not enough. Oh gosh...I have an incredibly active imagination...have since I was very young. My friends would often say that B was not all I was making him out to be...but I was smitten....still am. So yes...all is not as I make it out to be in the majority of my posts regarding B. I hope you can get out of your head eventually and stop giving your life away to these self defeating fantasies. You are spending all this time and emotion on someone who isn't even there for you. Life is way too short and precious to waste it away on self defeating habits. It would be cool if you saw half the potential in yourself as you see in him. I sincerely wish you the best, keep trying. Thanks...I just want to make peace with the head thoughts and hold space that they may not all be correct. I understand the viewpoint of wasting time....and yes...I have spent a very long time dwelling on him, no debating on that from me....but this is where I think we differ on next steps. What you are suggesting is incredibly practical....and would work well for someone who also has that same perspective. For me, it just makes me feel....icky....because that is exactly the perspective my mom has...”just get on with it already”. I will be honest, that just is not how I operate...I have tried it and failed miserably...because I don’t think it works for me for some reason..not 100% sure why...need to explore that a bit more. But I do appreciate you noting that I need to see my worth and my value. That does resonate with me...so thank you for noting that.🙂 |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2019 20:41:17 GMT
I hope you can get out of your head eventually and stop giving your life away to these self defeating fantasies. You are spending all this time and emotion on someone who isn't even there for you. Life is way too short and precious to waste it away on self defeating habits. It would be cool if you saw half the potential in yourself as you see in him. I sincerely wish you the best, keep trying. Thanks...I just want to make peace with the head thoughts and hold space that they may not all be correct. I understand the viewpoint of wasting time....and yes...I have spent a very long time dwelling on him, no debating on that from me....but this is where I think we differ on next steps. What you are suggesting is incredibly practical....and would work well for someone who also has that same perspective. For me, it just makes me feel....icky....because that is exactly the perspective my mom has...”just get on with it already”. I will be honest, that just is not how I operate...I have tried it and failed miserably...because I don’t think it works for me for some reason..not 100% sure why...need to explore that a bit more. But I do appreciate you noting that I need to see my worth and my value. That does resonate with me...so thank you for noting that.🙂 Yep, whatever works for you. You sound miserable but if you aren't done, you aren't done. It's not affecting others like it is you, so their opinions (including mine ) are just opinions. At the end of the day, we all make our own bed I think. Good or bad! The beauty is, we all get to choose our next steps when it comes to this stuff. That's freedom right there that should be appreciated. Good luck.  |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2019 21:06:23 GMT
Yep, whatever works for you. You sound miserable but if you aren't done, you aren't done. It's not affecting others like it is you, so their opinions (including mine ) are just opinions. At the end of the day, we all make our own bed I think. Good or bad! The beauty is, we all get to choose our next steps when it comes to this stuff. That's freedom right there that should be appreciated. Good luck. Gosh I truly wish it was that easy. I'm working really hard on this AP shit but feels like one step forward two steps backwards 😵😵 It's not easy. I have had a very hard time at points working through my things. The point is that even with setbacks. sustained effort in the direction of change is the only thing that pays off eventually. It's not easy at all. For anyone. But the only way through it is through it one step at a time. That's all I mean. I think it's great that you are fighting hard and I don't doubt you'll be in a much different place this time next year if you keep it up. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2019 21:40:35 GMT
It's not easy. I have had a very hard time at points working through my things. The point is that even with setbacks. sustained effort in the direction of change is the only thing that pays off eventually. It's not easy at all. For anyone. But the only way through it is through it one step at a time. That's all I mean. I think it's great that you are fighting hard and I don't doubt you'll be in a much different place this time next year if you keep it up. Sorry I didn't mean it personally when I said I wish it was easy.... But I do wish for an easier mind with easier thoughts. I have made good progress recently. Really appreciate your contribution really great to have all styles on board. Thank you for that. Being here is helping me work through my own breakup. It's been painful and upsetting. I have sadness and anger and some humiliation as well. I know it's apples and oranges between your mind and mine, but it's really tough to break through my internal mechanisms, beliefs, illusions, as well. It's just a different set of problems, but obviously, still a painful set of problems. I'm happy to see people here having the courage to do what's unfamiliar. There's a certain quality of heroism in it. Sure, we are all on our knees at some point facing the pain we have known all our lives but I see quite a few people refusing to give up. That's pretty gutsy. I think these issues can lead or at least contribute to substance abuse, partner abuse, depression, maybe even suicide if someone is despairing enough. I take it seriously. Good job. I am also glad that my contribution might be helpful. Thanks again. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 18, 2019 21:56:18 GMT
Thanks...I just want to make peace with the head thoughts and hold space that they may not all be correct. I understand the viewpoint of wasting time....and yes...I have spent a very long time dwelling on him, no debating on that from me....but this is where I think we differ on next steps. What you are suggesting is incredibly practical....and would work well for someone who also has that same perspective. For me, it just makes me feel....icky....because that is exactly the perspective my mom has...”just get on with it already”. I will be honest, that just is not how I operate...I have tried it and failed miserably...because I don’t think it works for me for some reason..not 100% sure why...need to explore that a bit more. But I do appreciate you noting that I need to see my worth and my value. That does resonate with me...so thank you for noting that.🙂 Yep, whatever works for you. You sound miserable but if you aren't done, you aren't done. It's not affecting others like it is you, so their opinions (including mine ) are just opinions. At the end of the day, we all make our own bed I think. Good or bad! The beauty is, we all get to choose our next steps when it comes to this stuff. That's freedom right there that should be appreciated. Good luck. Yeh...it is pretty miserable at times...it really is...but time and medicine have helped...I have low serotonin and was recently put on lexipro...and oh my word...it has been a God send. If you think I sound miserable now...take a gander at my posts from pre October of last year..100 times worse...incredible amounts of looping thoughts...days of crying, feelings of suicide, trapped in endless stories of how I failed...I was that low. What lexipro does for me is gives me access to reason..it isn’t a wonder drug...I still loop, I still cry....but I usually come out of it in a few hours. And I can work, hang with friends, do activities and not be dwelling on B all the time..which is huge. I still have lots I want to explore about myself. But I don’t want you to think that I am this lump of miserableness 24/7...I was before...but I am getting better.🙂. One small step at a time. |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Feb 19, 2019 19:02:06 GMT
I have a question, tnr9 and maybe you have I’m not sure, I have not read all of your story. Have you tried to cut B out of your life 100%? And if so for how long? I truely believe we can be addicted to people. I know that I have felt and acted in such a way. I understand the things nullified said- I believe those things- but when you are going through withdrawal and the access is literally as easy as in your head sometimes, it’s incredibly difficult. For me it was easier to practice redirecting my mind when he wasn’t there and wasn’t going to be there. like any addiction- sometimes you have to stay away from that thing until you get it under control. An alcoholic staying out of the bar- as an example. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 19, 2019 21:02:08 GMT
I have a question, tnr9 and maybe you have I’m not sure, I have not read all of your story. Have you tried to cut B out of your life 100%? And if so for how long? I truely believe we can be addicted to people. I know that I have felt and acted in such a way. I understand the things nullified said- I believe those things- but when you are going through withdrawal and the access is literally as easy as in your head sometimes, it’s incredibly difficult. For me it was easier to practice redirecting my mind when he wasn’t there and wasn’t going to be there. like any addiction- sometimes you have to stay away from that thing until you get it under control. An alcoholic staying out of the bar- as an example. Cold turkey is the most effective way for me to move on- they are figuratively speaking, dead to me, and it really helps me to move forward. I do recognize cutting all ties is a huge step for an AP and takes a lot of courage because time and space are often triggers. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 20, 2019 15:21:05 GMT
I have a question, tnr9 and maybe you have I’m not sure, I have not read all of your story. Have you tried to cut B out of your life 100%? And if so for how long? I truely believe we can be addicted to people. I know that I have felt and acted in such a way. I understand the things nullified said- I believe those things- but when you are going through withdrawal and the access is literally as easy as in your head sometimes, it’s incredibly difficult. For me it was easier to practice redirecting my mind when he wasn’t there and wasn’t going to be there. like any addiction- sometimes you have to stay away from that thing until you get it under control. An alcoholic staying out of the bar- as an example. No...I have not tried to cut B out completely. I find that cutting individuals out completely just means moving my addiction to a new person...not unlike an alcoholic who avoids alcohol, but then starts smoking or taking drugs. I get how that helps many people move on. Ideally, I would like to be addiction free....so that is what I am looking at now...how to stop the pattern. I only see B every once in a while...we live an hour apart and I don’t go to group or to church because I know how I am around him. |
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