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Post by alissseee on Mar 1, 2019 18:21:52 GMT
Might send him the following....
[Start of email} You were right about me.
I wanted to be your safe haven, I wanted to be your peace, I wanted to be consistent…. I fucked it up.
You’re right, I do need to examine myself as well, and how I’ve behaved. I need to examine my need to fit you into a box that wasn’t made for you. I can only imagine that people have been doing that to you your whole life. The last place you need it from is me.
I love you for you, I love every part of you. Please know that. As you know, I’ve been through a lot this year. In that email, I talked about examining your past and analyzing how it informs the present. The same thing can be applied to how I’ve conducted myself. My baby’s father didn’t give a flying fuck about me. He never did, he was abusive.
But you……YOU have shown me more love, tenderness, and care towards me in the past 6 weeks than he did in a year. Somehow, this all went out the window that night when I was suddenly triggered. Suddenly, I thought… no… no no no. It’s another version of him. It’s like everything you’d done up until that point to show me you cared went out the window. It was incredibly unfair of me.
But I will say, the one thing that has remained constant throughout it all is the extent to which I adore you, care about you, and value you. You are so incredibly smart, you’re motivated. I love listening to you talk. I love seeing you emerge yourself in the things you’re passionate about. I want to soak up your knowledge, your wild tales from your crazy and colorful life. Everything.
I don’t want you to go out into the world with the assumption that people will care about you one minute and discard you the next. Please know that this was never my intent. Please know that there has never been a doubt in my mind about how much I care.
Ultimately, your healing is not my jurisdiction, it’s yours. BUT I can’t force you into something you aren’t ready for strictly to benefit me.
I’m glad you’re back home and I hope you’re feeling more stable and at ease in a more familiar environment. Uprooting everything on a whim had to have been stressful for you.
I’m examining myself. Again, I don’t expect you to forgive me. But I also don’t want you moving forward with the assumption that I stopped caring at any point. I’m sorry if how I’ve manifested it has hurt you more than it has helped you.
You need to go out into the world knowing that there are people who care for your wellbeing. Please believe me when I say that I fucking adore you. That never wavered.
I love you. And good luck, [End of email]
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Post by alexandra on Mar 1, 2019 18:35:02 GMT
alissseee, this is very nice, but it's too much for the situation. I've written drafts like this, when anxiously triggered. If he's on the spectrum and already feeling overwhelmed by the situation, my opinion is this will reinforce it. It's good to sort out your thoughts on your end, but it's a lot to put on him. Maybe keep reflecting on yourself and what you want, separate from him, for a few days and see how you feel then. It does sound like you've got past baggage to unpack. He isn't in a space to do that for you, especially only 6 weeks in when he's just moved across the country.
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Post by alissseee on Mar 1, 2019 18:43:07 GMT
alissseee , this is very nice, but it's too much for the situation. I've written drafts like this, when anxiously triggered. If he's on the spectrum and already feeling overwhelmed by the situation, my opinion is this will reinforce it. It's good to sort out your thoughts on your end, but it's a lot to put on him. Maybe keep reflecting on yourself and what you want, separate from him, for a few days and see how you feel then. It does sound like you've got past baggage to unpack. He isn't in a space to do that for you, especially only 6 weeks in when he's just moved across the country. Thank you
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Post by mrob on Mar 1, 2019 18:59:14 GMT
I’d bin that one too. Great to write and get it out for yourself, but if I read such a mea culpa, I’d probably quicken up my departure speed. When I’m triggered and deactivating, this wouldn’t work. At worst, depending on the history, I could see it as manipulation.
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Post by sissyk on Mar 1, 2019 18:59:41 GMT
Yes. If he is on the spectrum and you send him a long email full of emotional nuance and implied expectatoons I would speculate based on my reading about asd relationships that would cause him to panic and shut down further.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2019 20:00:04 GMT
All this diagnosing going around! My goodness. OP, you’re a grown person responsible for your own life. “How do I get back in here” would have been easy. He fell asleep by accident and you “fussed”. What does that mean? Do you have a history of “fussing?” When I’m fussed over, inverted commas or not, I back off. I won’t have it these days. If somebody wants to treat me like a child, I will walk away. I wanted to take this opportunity to share, from a DA perspective.... so much of the AP triggered behavior feels just like that.... being treated like an errant child. Or a child in need of behavioral intervention. Mood support... something. All of the obsessing over, trying to come up with ways to help, fix, change, teach, diagnose- it has the "feel" of infantilization and parenting. I'm sure it doesn't feel like that on the AP end, it feels like that from my perspective as DA. Grown men and women and especially avoidants pick up on this, if they know and appreciate their autonomy and right to live as they see fit without being "fixed" or corrected or improved by another person. I've never seen it well received, like, ever. Just commenting on how the acting out looks from another perspective , one on the receiving end of these kinds of outbursts. Sure, avoidant behavior might be offensive to some... and so is AP, truth be told. But it really is common for the avoidant to be under the microscope.
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Post by alissseee on Mar 1, 2019 21:14:18 GMT
I have sent a slightly similar email in the past. I put "open when you feel like it" in the subject line. He told me thanks and that it was thoughtful of me.
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Post by alissseee on Mar 1, 2019 21:18:18 GMT
All this diagnosing going around! My goodness. OP, you’re a grown person responsible for your own life. “How do I get back in here” would have been easy. He fell asleep by accident and you “fussed”. What does that mean? Do you have a history of “fussing?” When I’m fussed over, inverted commas or not, I back off. I won’t have it these days. If somebody wants to treat me like a child, I will walk away. I wanted to take this opportunity to share, from a DA perspective.... so much of the AP triggered behavior feels just like that.... being treated like an errant child. Or a child in need of behavioral intervention. Mood support... something. All of the obsessing over, trying to come up with ways to help, fix, change, teach, diagnose- it has the "feel" of infantilization and parenting. I'm sure it doesn't feel like that on the AP end, it feels like that from my perspective as DA. Grown men and women and especially avoidants pick up on this, if they know and appreciate their autonomy and right to live as they see fit without being "fixed" or corrected or improved by another person. I've never seen it well received, like, ever. Just commenting on how the acting out looks from another perspective , one on the receiving end of these kinds of outbursts. Sure, avoidant behavior might be offensive to some... and so is AP, truth be told. But it really is common for the avoidant to be under the microscope. I'd say he has a part of him that is very much childlike. It's interesting, because he once asked me to tell me what I liked about him. I told him that one of the things that I liked that he had a "childlike innocence" and he smiled from ear to ear upon hearing this.... as if he was relieved to have the inner child that was perhaps never fully nurtured, touched upon. (and by childlike I mean more along the lines of being very pure, gentle... less so naive).
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Post by alissseee on Mar 1, 2019 21:23:49 GMT
He'd often look over at me after explaining something work related to me. And he'd smile and look over at me and say "I'm really good at this" all giddily, and I'd say "you are baby".
idk... I think part of him did somewhat want to be nurtured and reassured in that way....
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2019 21:46:21 GMT
I wanted to take this opportunity to share, from a DA perspective.... so much of the AP triggered behavior feels just like that.... being treated like an errant child. Or a child in need of behavioral intervention. Mood support... something. All of the obsessing over, trying to come up with ways to help, fix, change, teach, diagnose- it has the "feel" of infantilization and parenting. I'm sure it doesn't feel like that on the AP end, it feels like that from my perspective as DA. Grown men and women and especially avoidants pick up on this, if they know and appreciate their autonomy and right to live as they see fit without being "fixed" or corrected or improved by another person. I've never seen it well received, like, ever. Just commenting on how the acting out looks from another perspective , one on the receiving end of these kinds of outbursts. Sure, avoidant behavior might be offensive to some... and so is AP, truth be told. But it really is common for the avoidant to be under the microscope. I'd say he has a part of him that is very much childlike. It's interesting, because he once asked me to tell me what I liked about him. I told him that one of the things that I liked that he had a "childlike innocence" and he smiled from ear to ear upon hearing this.... as if he was relieved to have the inner child that was perhaps never fully nurtured, touched upon. (and by childlike I mean more along the lines of being very pure, gentle... less so naive). Well, nobody here can say exactly what it was that turned him off here, maybe he will be able to shed some light on that. We all have inner children- and sometime they throw fits and are too dependent. It's good to approach another adult as an adult, IMHO. Embracing the inner child is important of course. But two inner children running amok at the same time is probably a frequent cause of breakups. Heck, even one inner child running amok is probably enough. Best to tend to your healing first, I still say. Best of luck to us all.
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 1, 2019 22:40:55 GMT
I think the email has the feel of an AP putting their partner on a pedestal- I’ve been there and done that the past two years. I think expressing this much emotion, love and gratitude, while at the same time accepting blame, will likely overwhelm him and possibly cause him to shut down or at least continue to pull away. I’d write but save the email for your own reading and tone things down with him. Has he reached out?
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Post by alissseee on Mar 2, 2019 1:06:27 GMT
I think the email has the feel of an AP putting their partner on a pedestal- I’ve been there and done that the past two years. I think expressing this much emotion, love and gratitude, while at the same time accepting blame, will likely overwhelm him and possibly cause him to shut down or at least continue to pull away. I’d write but save the email for your own reading and tone things down with him. Has he reached out? Hmm... well I know they aren't the best criticism takers. What is it about the opposite that you think overwhelms them? Also, not yet. I assume in a couple weeks maybe he'll ping me. I'll hold onto the email for now and immerse myself in other things
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Post by mrob on Mar 2, 2019 1:12:53 GMT
I don’t think you’ve seen your side of this yet.... I suggest something you may wish to submerge yourself in is one of Jeb’s books, and look for the similarities in your own behaviour.
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 2, 2019 1:24:56 GMT
I think the email has the feel of an AP putting their partner on a pedestal- I’ve been there and done that the past two years. I think expressing this much emotion, love and gratitude, while at the same time accepting blame, will likely overwhelm him and possibly cause him to shut down or at least continue to pull away. I’d write but save the email for your own reading and tone things down with him. Has he reached out? Hmm... well I know they aren't the best criticism takers. What is it about the opposite that you think overwhelms them? Also, not yet. I assume in a couple weeks maybe he'll ping me. I'll hold onto the email for now and try to immerse myself in other things Yes, I definitely think it’s for the best to put a hold on that e-mail. I find when I write something and I’m unsure if I should send or not, I hold onto to it for an extra 24 hours. So many times after looking at my message with a fresh eye and perspective I’ve decided to either not send or edit and send- and I’m usually thinking how glad I am for not sending it earlier! When someone leaves and you feel the great sense of loss and rejection, we tend to idealize them and put them on a pedestal. AP especially struggle with this aspect over assigning blame to themselves, ruminating over what went wrong and what they could’ve done differently and thinking better of their partners than of themselves. When anxiety is high that loop can be extremely exhausting and all-consuming. Yes, I don’t think criticism is good, but I think an overly accommodating and self-deprecating email could cause him to shut down further because he’s currently not in the same place you are to receive those highly charged words- he left for a reason. His feelings changed and his doubts outweigh his beliefs about you being together. No words can change that, but words could intimidate and overwhelm him. The discrepancy of your feelings and his could be overwhelming and something he’s just not ready to hear yet. Plus, hearing all those things could make him feel pressure to live up to them and could make him afraid of letting you down if he’s not in the same place. It could feel like a lot of expectations are attached to your words. When a person isn’t ready to move forward, they just aren’t ready. I’d go slow and easy and journal your thoughts and if you type an emotional message, hold onto to it before sending....like you did this time!
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Post by alissseee on Mar 2, 2019 3:59:36 GMT
I don’t think you’ve seen your side of this yet.... I suggest something you may wish to submerge yourself in is one of Jeb’s books, and look for the similarities in your own behaviour. Will look into it. Thanks!
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