Wanting to feel less Consumed

Open and honest communication. If she’s not avoidant she may be open to sharing her feelings and not feel threatened doing so.

I’ve read all his links before @nullified but no need to take my comment in a negative light. There’s a reason why avoidants are called avoidants. They tend to avoid things. It’s the hallmark of the DA. An AP is high approachability, low avoidance. I’m a 1 on the avoidance scale, for example. AP’s and secures are much more expressive. They crave closeness and intimacy. It’s an AP’s driving force. Not everything I say or an AP says about avoidants should be taken as a personal attack.

All insecure types have strengths and weaknesses- DA’s strength does not lie in open communication. My intention in responding to the poster was to encourage her to attempt open and honest communication bc that may be an uphill battle with an avoidant but should be more accepting and less triggering to an AP. Sharing different view points of the attachment styles shouldn’t be a negative thing and no one should have to walk on egg shells when sharing generalities about the types.

I didn’t mean you were walking on egg shells - I meant no one should feel that way w a different view. AP’s very much feel that way in many relationships. AP’s may not be the best communicators bc of their fears, but they’re open to talking. It’s a start. No opening, no progress.

As a self-identified AP, I think there is a desire to share and communication, but a terrible fear that if they do they'll lose everything. so there's alot of psychic tension there. Also, a willingness to communicate is not the same as an ability to communicate!! I always feel like I do, but I find it very hard to put it into words what I'm feeling, then I feel very stupid for being a burden on others because I have feelings that are not conducive to the harmony of the relationship e.g., anger. So there is this willingness to talk, but i think an inability to do so without fearing that I will be seen as a burden/unnecessary and will be punished for having boundaries/feelings. the latter is what makes the communication garbled, particularly for those who are unaware of themselves.

Another alternative view... I've never had a problem getting a dialog out of a fellow avoidant. DA may be known for this or that, any type may be known for this or that- but ultimately people behave in a dynamic. Getting an avoidant to open up is an approach. It's founded on a dynamic of trust and empathy and common ground , and a willingness to not gain anything from the interaction that really does the trick. This is not a dynamic that tends to exist in an AP/DA pairing.

But; back to the Original post, what @shiningstar said, that sounds like a good assessment of what impedes communication on the AP side. (?) And, I just want to let OP in on an article that might describe some things helpful to the questions that were posed.

standintheheart , I got experience with this, with my ex having the same ideas, then getting annoyed at me for having conversations with him.

You said "Now - When she texts me, I anxiously think - "Must respond. Must make her laugh. Must assure her I am/we are ok. Must study text and make sure I understand it. Must try to understand her.... etc.""

It's important that you recognized that YOU think this, not her, and she didn't demand you to do that. It seems like you feel pressure to perform a role, rather than working with her directly to find a way to navigate this as a couple. While you should do your own work to make sure that you are centered and secured, it is not your job to "must" do everything for her. That leads to excessive pressure on yourself and ultimately resentment of her, when she didn't ask any of this from you.

I think it's crucial to remain very mindful of what you perceive as her needs and what she has stated as her needs. while there is definitely a gray area where someone does not detail that need but you know that it is important to them, you need to know that alot of narratives can be created from wrongly perceptions of what your role is in meeting her needs. so what i am saying is, you feel pressured on all these fronts already, but it doesn't seem like she's actually asked/did anything yet that warrants alarm. 

if you are sincere about working on this with her, it's key that both of you discuss this thoroughly and find a way to detach the insecurities from yourself. it's normal to feel and be triggered, but I think a strong relationship is when you are able to admit to each other that you are triggered but keep the relationship going to while you work through those concerns. it is slowly becoming my realization that not great relationships are those where one is triggered and then take it out on the entire relationship i.e., not protect and honor that connection that you have. this comes out in various ways, especially during communication, as can be seen from the countless threads here on dysfunctional communication patterns.  

lastly, it's important that you both acknowledge that you're on each other's side and that you're on the same team. it's also key that you and her FEEL this, not just SAY this. in my experience, it is a situation of trying to stay together while protecting themselves, but that really doesn't work. both parties can sense the wariness and the self-protection/defense, and that's really not great for building relationships. 

that is very true... because some of my deepest talks are also with DAs. maybe you both identify as DA, but the relationship is secure. perhaps here's a difference between what the dynamic is and what one self-identify as. that might be the key! OP also said that they are both anxious, and that common understanding of that experience led to emotional resonance. it's never so straightforward that pairing of labels =  fixed situations -- and i hope it never will be.