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Post by faithopelove on Mar 8, 2019 1:24:53 GMT
I’m probably up in my head too much, but since going no contact I’m concerned my ex will think I abandoned HIM. Which is kind of ridiculous since he broke up with me. It’s also unreasonable bc I’m the one with a fear of abandonment. I feel like by not contacting him I’m reinforcing his beliefs that no one is ever there for him...which I hate doing.
It makes me think of the love languages- loving someone the way you want to be loved. I want to be there for him bc I’d like him to be there for me. I think deep down though he yearns for that connection too- he just can’t seem to function right now. Not sure how to reconcile all this besides he’s not in a place to love or be loved right now. Any thoughts?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2019 2:13:18 GMT
i have those thoughts too and it doesn't go away. it's a constant struggle as well, even till now though i've mainly made peace with it. but everyday there's still a wish that he'll come back.
but the fact is we all have to own our own lives and decisions - he made his, and now you have to decide what it is you want to be. do you want to be the unwavering support to someone who didn't make any effort to examine himself and open himself to receiving it? at the end of the day, i would like to receive enough to fulfil my needs and not feel like an idiot for having or asking for them. the fact is i'm not getting enough from my ex, and as much as i love him, i'm not able to give him what he needs either. all that dynamic of abandonment that you speak of.. i get it, but that's for him to do his own work and for you to do your own. focus on your needs, and not on the perceived needs of the perceived relationship or of his. pick someone whom you can practice those things you speak of - loving someone the way you want to be loved and being there for someone who WILL be there for you.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2019 3:14:08 GMT
In my experience, loving, being consistent, being understanding, tolerant, kind, present, and available for an unavailable partner who isn't capable of being present, reliable, consistent, and empathic back FEELS SHITTY 24/7. Doesn't it?
There's all those instances where you reach out with the best of kind intentions, and they give you a crappy response. All the letdowns. All the disappointments. All the nasty little surprises. If you really pay attention to how it feels to be involved with someone like that, you realize that it doesn't feel like the noble, strong, loyal, amazing awesome love that you're imagining it to be in this idealized fantasy that might be taking root in your mind... it just feels like absolute shit. It's humiliating even. Isn't it?
So, what's the point? Throw yourself under the bus for what? To feel like crap all the time? When's the last time you felt truly happy? If it's been a while something needs to change.
I'd rather be kind to myself and show myself all that good awesome love by not keeping myself in the pattern that hurts so bad. I take care of my abandonment by not abandoning myself anymore to toxic dynamics. Rather than spend my time thinking about what my ex needs or is feeling, I'm putting together plans for myself, making goals and equipping myself with the things I need to accomplish them. I'm working on making little dreams come true for myself. I'm taking care of my abandonment by loving myself the way I want someone to love me. Asking myself, what do I really need? And then doing THAT. What do I really feel? And then taking the time for THAT. What do I want to accomplish? I'm being my biggest fan and cheerleading section. I have a lot of good things cooking right now and it feels great. Is there something you can do to love yourself?
It feels SO MUCH better than being mistreated and feeling horrible and upset and hurt. I'm convinced that the better care I take of myself emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, the closer I am to finding someone who can match me at that. In the future, someone will have to do at least as good as I do taking care of me to have my loyalty and love.
No one can solve another person's abandonment. We all have to solve it ourselves. Then we can take care of ourselves and others in a healthy, reciprocal way.
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 8, 2019 4:46:50 GMT
In my experience, loving, being consistent, being understanding, tolerant, kind, present, and available for an unavailable partner who isn't capable of being present, reliable, consistent, and empathic back FEELS SHITTY 24/7. Doesn't it? There's all those instances where you reach out with the best of kind intentions, and they give you a crappy response. All the letdowns. All the disappointments. All the nasty little surprises. If you really pay attention to how it feels to be involved with someone like that, you realize that it doesn't feel like the noble, strong, loyal, amazing awesome love that you're imagining it to be in this idealized fantasy that might be taking root in your mind... it just feels like absolute shit. It's humiliating even. Isn't it? So, what's the point? Throw yourself under the bus for what? To feel like crap all the time? When's the last time you felt truly happy? If it's been a while something needs to change. I'd rather be kind to myself and show myself all that good awesome love by not keeping myself in the pattern that hurts so bad. I take care of my abandonment by not abandoning myself anymore to toxic dynamics. Rather than spend my time thinking about what my ex needs or is feeling, I'm putting together plans for myself, making goals and equipping myself with the things I need to accomplish them. I'm working on making little dreams come true for myself. I'm taking care of my abandonment by loving myself the way I want someone to love me. Asking myself, what do I really need? And then doing THAT. What do I really feel? And then taking the time for THAT. What do I want to accomplish? I'm being my biggest fan and cheerleading section. I have a lot of good things cooking right now and it feels great. Is there something you can do to love yourself? It feels SO MUCH better than being mistreated and feeling horrible and upset and hurt. I'm convinced that the better care I take of myself emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, the closer I am to finding someone who can match me at that. In the future, someone will have to do at least as good as I do taking care of me to have my loyalty and love. No one can solve another person's abandonment. We all have to solve it ourselves. Then we can take care of ourselves and others in a healthy, reciprocal way. @nullified - Yes, yes and yes to everything you said. I need to not abandon myself and yes continuing to reach out and accept breadcrumbs and be the only one invested is humiliating, demoralizing, painful and disappointing. The moments of hope and excitement were always quickly dashed within a few hours or days when met with silence or disinterest. I can stay away and choose me. Thanks for the vivid reminders when I was feeling weak. I’ll reread this often!!! Stay strong 💪 |
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 8, 2019 4:53:07 GMT
i have those thoughts too and it doesn't go away. it's a constant struggle as well, even till now though i've mainly made peace with it. but everyday there's still a wish that he'll come back. but the fact is we all have to own our own lives and decisions - he made his, and now you have to decide what it is you want to be. do you want to be the unwavering support to someone who didn't make any effort to examine himself and open himself to receiving it? at the end of the day, i would like to receive enough to fulfil my needs and not feel like an idiot for having or asking for them. the fact is i'm not getting enough from my ex, and as much as i love him, i'm not able to give him what he needs either. all that dynamic of abandonment that you speak of.. i get it, but that's for him to do his own work and for you to do your own. focus on your needs, and not on the perceived needs of the perceived relationship or of his. pick someone whom you can practice those things you speak of - loving someone the way you want to be loved and being there for someone who WILL be there for you. @shining star - Yes, you’re right...we deserve someone to be there for us and us not have to ask or secretly long for them to meet our needs- or even show interest! The work is theirs. Our work is ours. They know our numbers. Untangling from another is hard, but I must. He checked out long, long ago. I just wouldn’t accept it. When we miss them- we can miss them and not act on it. We can turn our love and attention within. Thank you for the great reminders. We can do this. 🌻 |
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Post by alexandra on Mar 8, 2019 5:11:59 GMT
All a normal part of the AP process of learning to look after yourself, faithopelove. I went through the same. Totally part of the process. You don't know what he's thinking and may be projecting the abandonment narrative anyway. From the other side, my ex neither seems to hold it against me when I've inserted distance -- because, let's face it, he understands at least on some level that he could treat me better if he wanted to keep me around -- nor changed as a result of my distance. He didn't dig deeper into the abandonment narrative, nor did he seek help for his attachment issues. I still hope for his own happiness he does, but it's ultimately not my fault (I didn't cause his attachment issues) nor my responsibility to keep trying to help him. Doubly so if it causes boundary problems for me. Stick with it, you're doing great for yourself, even if it doesn't always feel that way. It's not a linear process! |
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 8, 2019 5:40:21 GMT
All a normal part of the AP process of learning to look after yourself, faithopelove. I went through the same. Totally part of the process. You don't know what he's thinking and may be projecting the abandonment narrative anyway. From the other side, my ex neither seems to hold it against me when I've inserted distance -- because, let's face it, he understands at least on some level that he could treat me better if he wanted to keep me around -- nor changed as a result of my distance. He didn't dig deeper into the abandonment narrative, nor did he seek help for his attachment issues. I still hope for his own happiness he does, but it's ultimately not my fault (I didn't cause his attachment issues) nor my responsibility to keep trying to help him. Doubly so if it causes boundary problems for me. Stick with it, you're doing great for yourself, even if it doesn't always feel that way. It's not a linear process! Thank you alexandra 💜 |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2019 10:40:35 GMT
In my experience, loving, being consistent, being understanding, tolerant, kind, present, and available for an unavailable partner who isn't capable of being present, reliable, consistent, and empathic back FEELS SHITTY 24/7. Doesn't it? There's all those instances where you reach out with the best of kind intentions, and they give you a crappy response. All the letdowns. All the disappointments. All the nasty little surprises. If you really pay attention to how it feels to be involved with someone like that, you realize that it doesn't feel like the noble, strong, loyal, amazing awesome love that you're imagining it to be in this idealized fantasy that might be taking root in your mind... it just feels like absolute shit. It's humiliating even. Isn't it? So, what's the point? Throw yourself under the bus for what? To feel like crap all the time? When's the last time you felt truly happy? If it's been a while something needs to change. I'd rather be kind to myself and show myself all that good awesome love by not keeping myself in the pattern that hurts so bad. I take care of my abandonment by not abandoning myself anymore to toxic dynamics. Rather than spend my time thinking about what my ex needs or is feeling, I'm putting together plans for myself, making goals and equipping myself with the things I need to accomplish them. I'm working on making little dreams come true for myself. I'm taking care of my abandonment by loving myself the way I want someone to love me. Asking myself, what do I really need? And then doing THAT. What do I really feel? And then taking the time for THAT. What do I want to accomplish? I'm being my biggest fan and cheerleading section. I have a lot of good things cooking right now and it feels great. Is there something you can do to love yourself? It feels SO MUCH better than being mistreated and feeling horrible and upset and hurt. I'm convinced that the better care I take of myself emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, the closer I am to finding someone who can match me at that. In the future, someone will have to do at least as good as I do taking care of me to have my loyalty and love. No one can solve another person's abandonment. We all have to solve it ourselves. Then we can take care of ourselves and others in a healthy, reciprocal way. Wow awesome encouragement to self 😚 |
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Post by sissyk on Mar 8, 2019 15:21:20 GMT
Keep hanging in there FHL! Stay no contact. If you do so, you will be able to see your situation with more perspective and he will lose his grip over you.
It is like giving up sugar--the first few days you hallucinate jelly donuts. Then in time you are like meh!
He has, in effect, abandoned YOU. By choice. For whatever reason. You can't ever really know. You have made clear 1 million times how you did not want to give up on him and believed in him. You have been approachable and welcoming in doing so. The 1 millionth and first time is not the one that is going to get through.
He may be going through tough stuff. But even if he was a mess, if he wanted to maintain a connection right now he would try in some awkward, imperfect, tentative little way to do so.
You know I know this stuff as I had similar thought patterns with my DA/FA back when we were kinda maybe dating. The poor man has not had a relationship in decades!!! He has given up!!! I am compassionate and patient and can show him how cool he really is! He will see how great a strong bond with another person can be!
He didn't want that or couldn't handle that and forging a connection with someone so closed off is too big a thing for one person. It needs a team lift.
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Post by unluckyinlove on Mar 8, 2019 15:31:38 GMT
Faith, I’ve been following your story and first I just want to say how incredibly strong you are for going NC. I know you’ve been allowing the push/pull with your FA/DA for a year and a half since breakup and it certainly isn’t easy for you to now go NC. That’s a long cycle to break!
I have these same feelings nearly every day. It’s quite normal for AP. Questioning whether or not I should let him know I haven’t given up on him when everyone else has. Questioning whether or not he knows how much I still love him.
I have to remind my AP self everyday of a couple of things:
1) he’s come back twice before when I’ve had these same thoughts but remained NC. So even when I am firmly practicing NC, he knows how I really feel. I can assure myself that there is no ambiguity in my feelings. He KNOWS!
2) NC isn’t (and shouldn’t be) a manipulative tactic for me to get him back (and yes I struggle with this because if I have to be honest, I still feel like I’m waiting for him to come back!). I have to remind myself that going NC allows me to work on myself. It also finally gives me some kind of control in our relationship as I always felt like he called all the shots. Why would I relinquish that now that I’ve made that NC step for myself? When you break NC, you are essentially volleying the ball back into their court and leaving yourself vulnerable (again) for rejection, abandonment, and unmet expectations. And then of course, there is the chance that he accepts you back...for now...but until he’s actively done his own work in awareness and healing....you’re going to put yourself through this all over again. Excruciating!!! No thank you.
As I’m typing, I’m feeling like I am writing all of this to myself. I’ve been missing my FA a little more lately. 😕
Stay strong, Faith!
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Post by alexandra on Mar 8, 2019 15:33:06 GMT
I’m probably up in my head too much, but ... I just re-read this and thought it might be helpful to point out that you started this thread with an apologetic and negative comment about yourself. So I want to remind you to practice flipping the narrative -- you've been choosing to make the best decision for yourself and stuck with it for 3 weeks now and going strong (but still had this concern you wanted some opinions about). |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2019 17:15:10 GMT
Also, while our attachment impairments are so opposite, there are some real similarities that I can relate to and encourage you on.
When I was struggling with the breakup and loss of hope for the relationship and abandonment that ensued (even ho I ended it. It's a DA thing maybe. After the elation, comes the pain.) , I found myself having similar thoughts of how to salvage something. And, it's all just futile attempts to avoid the reality of saying goodbye. Avoiding a natural and appropriate end. Ultimately I allowed further contact and it affected me in a very negative way. I wrote about it in my window of tolerance thread.
Like you, I have to keep on the straight and narrow with my self care, and recognize poison and NOT DRINK IT. Insecure attachment to insecure individuals is like poison to your soul. You have to heal it up, let go, turn to your own self care. Try hard to recognize when you are reaching for poison, telling yourself it's lemonade. I did that for a very short time and it was just absolute hell. Constant unease, constant trepidation. I KNEW. So i flipped that switch back to recovery.
I am sick and tired of deactivation and I don't want to be around relationships that trigger it. Only the unsafe ones do!!! I can say that with confidence now. If it feels bad, I no longer have to wonder if it's just me. Yeah, it's me if I am choosing to accept less than is appropriate. You bet. But being able to just see that INADEQUATE IS INADEQUATE, is helpful. Of course these situations feel like crap. They are inadequate and we are worthy of reciprocity. Right? I think so.
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 9, 2019 4:10:14 GMT
Faith, I’ve been following your story and first I just want to say how incredibly strong you are for going NC. I know you’ve been allowing the push/pull with your FA/DA for a year and a half since breakup and it certainly isn’t easy for you to now go NC. That’s a long cycle to break! I have these same feelings nearly every day. It’s quite normal for AP. Questioning whether or not I should let him know I haven’t given up on him when everyone else has. Questioning whether or not he knows how much I still love him. I have to remind my AP self everyday of a couple of things: 1) he’s come back twice before when I’ve had these same thoughts but remained NC. So even when I am firmly practicing NC, he knows how I really feel. I can assure myself that there is no ambiguity in my feelings. He KNOWS! 2) NC isn’t (and shouldn’t be) a manipulative tactic for me to get him back (and yes I struggle with this because if I have to be honest, I still feel like I’m waiting for him to come back!). I have to remind myself that going NC allows me to work on myself. It also finally gives me some kind of control in our relationship as I always felt like he called all the shots. Why would I relinquish that now that I’ve made that NC step for myself? When you break NC, you are essentially volleying the ball back into their court and leaving yourself vulnerable (again) for rejection, abandonment, and unmet expectations. And then of course, there is the chance that he accepts you back...for now...but until he’s actively done his own work in awareness and healing....you’re going to put yourself through this all over again. Excruciating!!! No thank you. As I’m typing, I’m feeling like I am writing all of this to myself. I’ve been missing my FA a little more lately. 😕 Stay strong, Faith! Thank you so much unluckyinlove for your kind and encouraging words 💜 It helps a lot. My ex hasn’t initiated contact since his break with me, but he does know my number and he certainly knows how I feel. He didn’t want to participate in a conversation about how I felt, but he knew my desire was to try and make things work. I felt nc was the only way to assert my boundary. He was only offering FWB. He’d have me from front door to bedroom and back to front door within an hour and a half and offer no more. I kept thinking a break through would happen, but I couldn’t continue to compromise what I wanted and needed while he stonewalled me. It’s hard to accept someone can turn from making every promise and proclaiming their love to being shut down, but that’s the reality of the situation. Thanks for the reminder to stay strong. It certainly feels like the right thing to do- if not the easy thing to do. Remember, we can reach out at any time, but only to slip back to the same old pattern. That option is at our fingertips, literally, but if we take the higher and better road we can break the cycle and take our power back. I hope you feel stronger every day in your resolve. |
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 9, 2019 4:24:51 GMT
Also, while our attachment impairments are so opposite, there are some real similarities that I can relate to and encourage you on. When I was struggling with the breakup and loss of hope for the relationship and abandonment that ensued (even ho I ended it. It's a DA thing maybe. After the elation, comes the pain.) , I found myself having similar thoughts of how to salvage something. And, it's all just futile attempts to avoid the reality of saying goodbye. Avoiding a natural and appropriate end. Ultimately I allowed further contact and it affected me in a very negative way. I wrote about it in my window of tolerance thread. Like you, I have to keep on the straight and narrow with my self care, and recognize poison and NOT DRINK IT. Insecure attachment to insecure individuals is like poison to your soul. You have to heal it up, let go, turn to your own self care. Try hard to recognize when you are reaching for poison, telling yourself it's lemonade. I did that for a very short time and it was just absolute hell. Constant unease, constant trepidation. I KNEW. So i flipped that switch back to recovery. I am sick and tired of deactivation and I don't want to be around relationships that trigger it. Only the unsafe ones do!!! I can say that with confidence now. If it feels bad, I no longer have to wonder if it's just me. Yeah, it's me if I am choosing to accept less than is appropriate. You bet. But being able to just see that INADEQUATE IS INADEQUATE, is helpful. Of course these situations feel like crap. They are inadequate and we are worthy of reciprocity. Right? I think so. @nullified We ARE so worthy of reciprocity! Thx for the reminder! 💜 If someone doesn’t recognize our value and worth and what we add to their lives then they’re not worthy of our time and devotion. I can tell you know how I feel- even if we are of different ends of the attachment spectrum, as you said. I’m tired of being triggered as well, and having to manage my reactions due to stonewalling and rejection. I can manage my activation pretty well now but, like you, I don’t want to live in that activated state. In reality, things would only feel good w my ex for a few hours and then I’d be right back to dealing with stonewalling, excuses and 1-3 word text responses. I need to remember reality- and how lonely it feels. Saying good-bye is so incredibly hard for me, but your posts and others on this board help me get through tough days...so thank you for that. I hope you’re well tonight 🌺 |
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 9, 2019 4:32:08 GMT
Keep hanging in there FHL! Stay no contact. If you do so, you will be able to see your situation with more perspective and he will lose his grip over you. It is like giving up sugar--the first few days you hallucinate jelly donuts. Then in time you are like meh!
He has, in effect, abandoned YOU. By choice. For whatever reason. You can't ever really know. You have made clear 1 million times how you did not want to give up on him and believed in him. You have been approachable and welcoming in doing so. The 1 millionth and first time is not the one that is going to get through. He may be going through tough stuff. But even if he was a mess, if he wanted to maintain a connection right now he would try in some awkward, imperfect, tentative little way to do so. You know I know this stuff as I had similar thought patterns with my DA/FA back when we were kinda maybe dating. The poor man has not had a relationship in decades!!! He has given up!!! I am compassionate and patient and can show him how cool he really is! He will see how great a strong bond with another person can be!
He didn't want that or couldn't handle that and forging a connection with someone so closed off is too big a thing for one person. It needs a team lift.
You are right- he abandoned me. I didn’t abandon him and making it work is a team effort. (Even then relationships are hard!) He was well aware of my deep desire to made it work and million and one time of telling him wouldn’t change his mind. Although for 16 mos I kept telling myself it would. Thank you 💗 |
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