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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 20, 2019 23:37:08 GMT
I can relate to a lot of this, and I think part of the challenge is that these conversations with a partner open up something we may not have been as conscious of before. Like the person says "I love you"-- well before I could go about my day not quite as aware of the fact that I don't feel what some part of me thinks I should feel, but now that I'm expected to say "I love you too" I have to face that I don't really know what I think love means (if it isn't longing and desire then what is it) and so saying it feels like a fraud and now I have all these complicated thoughts and feelings that could have been avoided if only the person hadn't said, "I love you." It seemed so much simpler one second earlier
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2019 23:51:41 GMT
I can relate to a lot of this, and I think part of the challenge is that these conversations with a partner open up something we may not have been as conscious of before. Like the person says "I love you"-- well before I could go about my day not quite as aware of the fact that I don't feel what some part of me thinks I should feel, but now that I'm expected to say "I love you too" I have to face that I don't really know what I think love means (if it isn't longing and desire then what is it) and so saying it feels like a fraud and now I have all these complicated thoughts and feelings that could have been avoided if only the person hadn't said, "I love you." It seemed so much simpler one second earlier have you started thinking about what it means for you then? Since my last relationship, I've thought alot about what my desires, stance, principles and beliefs are around relationships. I decided for myself what love is and what being loving means, and what I want to do. If my partner (I started dating someone!!) does something that triggered in me these doubts, I state what those doubts are and i ask him what did he mean and what does he mean e.g., what does love mean to you? If this is someone i cannot discuss such philosophical questions with, i doubt i can date that person.
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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 20, 2019 23:59:26 GMT
@shiningstar
To some degree... in terms of saying it to adults, at this point I think of the phrase as a connector, like a statement of ongoing goodwill and commitment. It's much more natural to say it to my kids though, and there's less of a need there to analyze what it means when I say it-- it just IS. They're cherished, unconditionally, forever. It just is.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2019 1:11:52 GMT
@shiningstar
To some degree... in terms of saying it to adults, at this point I think of the phrase as a connector, like a statement of ongoing goodwill and commitment. It's much more natural to say it to my kids though, and there's less of a need there to analyze what it means when I say it-- it just IS. They're cherished, unconditionally, forever. It just is. that's really interesting. I'm glad for this conversation, because I don't think I've really explicitly expressed my attitudes towards this "i love you" business. here's what I think: I chose to take the stance that "i love you means that i cherish you as you." there is no condition and it is irrelevant to whether or not we are committed/engaged/interacting. i took this stance because I wanted to separate out the love I have for someone and the choice I make to be with someone. afterall, you can love someone and not want to engage with them at all. i also want to know myself internally, that me saying i love you is unconditional and an acknowledgment of my feelings towards you, but not as a condition or an expression of conditions that govern our interactions. I think this came about because I realized that there is a narrative I held - that i am loved only if I play the right role/according to their terms. If i do not do what they desire, they do not love me - precisely because they stop saying it to me or they withdraw love/affection. because of this i often feel controlled/manipulated/resentful, and when there is conflict between what they want and what I want, I take a very strong stance that I am ready to end the relationship in order to choose what I want. I see that my autonomy/self-expression is a tradeoff to being loved, and in order to be me, I choose to give up being loved (or vice versa). I do not want to create that for others, and so I want them to know that I love them as them, and choosing to interact with them is a separate issue altogether. the act of saying it is an emotional connector, as well as an expression of that positive regard I have for you. also, it is nice to be told that you're loved as you. me choosing to engage with you pleasantly and talking about future plans (even for next week) is a statement of ongoing goodwill and commitment - this more action based I suppose.
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