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Post by tnr9 on Mar 14, 2019 2:06:48 GMT
So....I don’t expect empathy or sympathy...tonight I chose to go into Bs page and into his friend list and I happened to notice he liked a post by a new friend yesterday..and oh my word...the stories started swirling in my head....my throat became tight, I had a chenched jaw and tears..tons of tears. I can’t even tell you how old I feel....I just know that I am not in an adult space.
i find it so incredibly odd to love someone (and I truly do love him under all this stuff) and yet...I can’t be around him with other girls because I get jealous and i can’t seem to let the stories, thoughts go. I wish I could easily move on and easily be a friend and that just is not happening and I am so very sad. Equally...I feel like I am losing him...I know..it isn’t like I had him to begin with...and that terrifies this stuckpart of me..the notion that I am so common to him while he means so much to me...that feels unacceptable. I want to reach out...I want connection...which is why I went to his FB page.
i know I will be ok....I know I am making progress because what used to keep me gyrating for hours now doesn’t last nearly that long. But man...this stinks.
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Post by mistakes on Mar 14, 2019 2:28:50 GMT
It’s sad to be stuck. You are so advanced in the journey, so I don’t know what to say, but hang in there...
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 14, 2019 12:30:23 GMT
So today I work up feeling bitter, feeling used, feeling angry...I lashed out (in my mind) at B for knowing he did not have the same level of feelings I did but being a coward and not sharing them. This is just the other side of yesterday's experience....and again, tears...because anger is not ok and tears because I don't want him to be angry with me and tears because nothing has changed....and again, I am not in adult space.
Why do I share this? Because it is impossible for me to separate what is real/logical/based on the present from what is imaginary/emotional/based on the past. I have a very hard time separating his true character from all the attributes that I associate to him out of a desire for him to have those and from those that I have assumed he has because those were attributes of others who have left, cheated on, abandoned, mistreated me.
One like of one post on one girl's webpage spirals into a story of interest (because he doesn't like a lot of posts...but there is also a competitive/comparison story....he likes her/he doesn't like me...I mean nothing to him so forth and so on) and then blooms into something that is extremely hurtful to me. I know this makes absolutely zero sense to those who do have a more logical bend...and that is ok....I am different, I know I am.
I don't blame B...I am really not "mad" at him because I could have asked questions...I could have seen the one foot in behavior early on and paced myself accordingly. I could have chosen to go against my desire to rush into the relationship and taken more time to get to know him better...and I could have admitted to myself that the level of interest/possessiveness/jealousy...even when we were not dating was a warning sign that I had turned him into something that he wasn't...I had made him more important than he should have been.
So I am working with what I have...loving myself and knowing that this did not form in a vacuum and that I am not some broken person because of it..but that I can own it, truly own it, without tears begging for forgiveness or for people to not be mad at me because I am "different". This is actually good...I think I truly needed this. So I move forward in love.
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Post by unluckyinlove on Mar 14, 2019 13:41:19 GMT
I completely understand what you are going through. I had the urge to look at my ex’s page the other day and stopped myself. I’m absolutely terrified of the day I find out he’s moved on or is dating or there is another love interest in the picture. It literally gives me anxiety....sometimes to the point of panic. Definitely makes me emotional.
Here’s what I try to do to help myself when I get in my head:
1) Rein it back in. Realize that this story I’ve created in my head is MY narrative that I’ve assigned to the situation. There have been instances where things have looked so completely supportive of my narrative and then I’ve found out that none of my story was true.
2) Accept the facts. As much as I believed this man was my forever....as much as I love him and wish he loved me with the same intensity, he chose to walk away. It’s so freakin hard but I have to accept in my head that this man is not for me. Part of the acceptance is knowing that there will be that day when he has moved on to someone else...it WILL happen. The more I fight urges to “check up on him” allows more distance and separation which is going to end up being the thing that gets me through that pain. I HAVE to allow this distance.
3) Focus on myself and my own future. It’s hard to feel hopeful about what lies ahead when you can’t see it. You are stuck in the present...in this painful time of grief. Sometimes I think if I could only know what lies ahead, I would be able to heal faster. So I try to imagine what I want. That faceless guy who chooses me every day and wants to be with me. Focusing on myself helps me to not focus on my ex and gives me (although imagined) something to look forward to. And who knows.....maybe it’s just around the corner.
Letting go of something you want to hold onto is the hardest and bravest thing you can ever do. I’m sorry you’re going through this anxiety right now. It sucks.
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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 17, 2019 23:51:21 GMT
. . . ...and that terrifies this stuckpart of me..the notion that I am so common to him while he means so much to me...that feels unacceptable. I want to reach out...I want connection...which is why I went to his FB page. . . .
(hugs to you)
I think we've all been there. It's killer to feel that someone is uniquely special when they don't seem to be reciprocating it.
I suppose this is where the self love thing comes in. Whatever it was he or the relation once gave you that made you feel not-common to him, that there was a uniqueness to it all-- is there someway you can find that elsewhere, in some other way (not necessarily with another person), or give it to yourself? is there some other way to believe in it?
Also, it may be worth considering more about why you are invested in this interpretation fo things. Chances are 100% that if you go to his social media you will see what you're looking to see, not because the evidence is necessarily there but because the AP dynamic can be so good at seeing either what we want or what we fear-- regardless of the actual evidence. I mean the person could post a picture of a tree and it's like "who are they hiking with? how great was that hike? why aren't they hiking with me?" and then they like a meme about coffee and it's like "They drink coffee now? Who are they having coffee with?" so on ad infinitum. I say this with some humor  Social media is evil.
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Post by unluckyinlove on Mar 18, 2019 2:32:16 GMT
Chances are 100% that if you go to his social media you will see what you're looking to see, not because the evidence is necessarily there but because the AP dynamic can be so good at seeing either what we want or what we fear-- regardless of the actual evidence. I mean the person could post a picture of a tree and it's like "who are they hiking with? how great was that hike? why aren't they hiking with me?" and then they like a meme about coffee and it's like "They drink coffee now? Who are they having coffee with?" so on ad infinitum. I say this with some humor Social media is evil. [/div]
[/quote] It’s exhausting! I’m in this headspace right now. I found a couple of videos today that actually really helped me to understand what is going on neurologically when someone is “stuck” in obsessive thoughts. youtu.be/D4N0UDijV5cyoutu.be/JKd9RWVzHq8So after watching both videos, i really liked how he compared obsessive thoughts to how we dream. We assign visual images to feelings. Sometimes they don’t make sense but it’s our brain trying to process those feelings. Well I’ve come to realize that for me, my obsessive preoccupation with my ex spending time with his “replacement me” is really just the details I’m assigning to my own deep insecurity of not feeling like I am enough. And the wounds are much deeper than just this last failed relationship.....so it really doesn’t have much to do with him per se. I applied the learnings from the video to really strip down the true feelings behind the obsessive thoughts. Thought: I’m anxious and preoccupied with the time my ex is now spending with this girl (undetermined if she’s just a friend or more....long story....it doesn’t really matter) going on vacations, going to concerts, making new memories. First breakdown of thought: ok digging deeper, I realize that I’m preoccupied and bothered by this because somehow I feel it makes the memories (vacations, concerts, etc) that I shared with him feel insignificant. It doesn’t make me feel like our memories were special and unique. Breakdown a little further: when I don’t feel like our memories and experiences were unique and special, then I feel like I’M not unique and special. I’M insignificant. Breakdown even further: when I don’t feel unique, special and I’m left feeling insignificant, discarded and replaced, I don’t feel worthy of love. I don’t feel loveable. I am not enough. This also plays into my abandonment fears/wounds. Conclusion: it’s not really as much about the details....who is this girl, what are they doing, is he having more fun with her, are they hanging out a lot, are they talking a lot, etc. it’s more about my deep insecurity of not being enough. And it goes WAY back. Further than this relationship. |
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 18, 2019 3:45:04 GMT
[/div]
[/quote] It’s exhausting! I’m in this headspace right now. I found a couple of videos today that actually really helped me to understand what is going on neurologically when someone is “stuck” in obsessive thoughts. youtu.be/D4N0UDijV5cyoutu.be/JKd9RWVzHq8So after watching both videos, i really liked how he compared obsessive thoughts to how we dream. We assign visual images to feelings. Sometimes they don’t make sense but it’s our brain trying to process those feelings. Well I’ve come to realize that for me, my obsessive preoccupation with my ex spending time with his “replacement me” is really just the details I’m assigning to my own deep insecurity of not feeling like I am enough. And the wounds are much deeper than just this last failed relationship.....so it really doesn’t have much to do with him per se. I applied the learnings from the video to really strip down the true feelings behind the obsessive thoughts. Thought: I’m anxious and preoccupied with the time my ex is now spending with this girl (undetermined if she’s just a friend or more....long story....it doesn’t really matter) going on vacations, going to concerts, making new memories. First breakdown of thought: ok digging deeper, I realize that I’m preoccupied and bothered by this because somehow I feel it makes the memories (vacations, concerts, etc) that I shared with him feel insignificant. It doesn’t make me feel like our memories were special and unique. Breakdown a little further: when I don’t feel like our memories and experiences were unique and special, then I feel like I’M not unique and special. I’M insignificant. Breakdown even further: when I don’t feel unique, special and I’m left feeling insignificant, discarded and replaced, I don’t feel worthy of love. I don’t feel loveable. I am not enough. This also plays into my abandonment fears/wounds. Conclusion: it’s not really as much about the details....who is this girl, what are they doing, is he having more fun with her, are they hanging out a lot, are they talking a lot, etc. it’s more about my deep insecurity of not being enough. And it goes WAY back. Further than this relationship. [/quote] @unluckyinlove tnr9 - I also heard something I thought was helpful. When you’re with someone and feel love for them it’s more bc of the way you feel when you demonstrate love to them and the feeling you get by being someone’s object of affection. It’s not that they’re so special or irreplaceable. It’s not about their unique looks, intelligence, sense of humor or shared interests- it’s the warm way you feel in a relationship with them. It’s satisfying and may be meeting some deep unmet attachment need. That makes sense to me and when I think of how long the good feelings lasted in my last relationship compared to how long the hurt and abandoned feelings lasted since the break- I realize the length of time of the hurt and negative feelings have FAR outweighed the positive feelings when we were both in love and loving each other. And if there isn’t something particularly special about this ex and it was really just the feeling of being loving to someone and being the odject of someone’s love, then it stands to reason I could find someone else and experience those same positive feelings. It’s within reach. It is also reasonable that I could become my own object of love and affection as I turn positive feelings of love, acceptance and affection inward and experience loving feelings as I foster that love within. Building that love and security will help us feel content and we’ll feel less desperate to seek it in another source. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 20, 2019 23:10:02 GMT
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Post by unluckyinlove on Mar 22, 2019 12:58:09 GMT
Yes that’s seems to be the same concept he was presenting in the vids. There’s always a deeper reason underneath the immediate reaction. I think when we disagree or get into arguments with our loved ones...romantic or not...I think it would help if we would just stop ourselves from reacting and try to ask questions to get to that deeper issue. The immediate reactionary thing is usually petty and offensive but the deeper issue is usually (regardless of right or wrong) at least a valid issue. |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 22, 2019 19:04:51 GMT
Yes that’s seems to be the same concept he was presenting in the vids. There’s always a deeper reason underneath the immediate reaction. I think when we disagree or get into arguments with our loved ones...romantic or not...I think it would help if we would just stop ourselves from reacting and try to ask questions to get to that deeper issue. The immediate reactionary thing is usually petty and offensive but the deeper issue is usually (regardless of right or wrong) at least a valid issue. My therapist used to say...if the reaction to the situation is more then what would be reasonably allowed..then it isn’t the situation that you are reacting to. |
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Social media is evil. 