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Post by tnr9 on Mar 31, 2019 2:01:23 GMT
Off and on I have read good things on Bs page...things that technically should not trigger me but do. Tonight he posted about a cookout he attended..no other people in the photos...just pictures of the meat he prepared...and now my throat is tight, my stomach feels nauteous and all I want to do is run. i don’t have context for this...I don’t know why this affects me....it is such an innocent post and honestly...under the fear...I am happy he has friends. What concerns me is that I can’t work on something I have no context for....does anyone relate? And if so, can you share a bit about what yours topics back to as it may help shake something loose about mine. Right now, I am just breathing slowly to try to unclench my body.
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hola
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by hola on Mar 31, 2019 2:10:51 GMT
I think your reaction has to do with your own fears. Whether it’s fear of not being good enough, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, etc.
Hun, I think you need to try and not look at what he’s doing. It’s just causing you pain. I know it’s hard. Hope you feel better
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 31, 2019 2:40:30 GMT
I think your reaction has to do with your own fears. Whether it’s fear of not being good enough, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, etc. Hun, I think you need to try and not look at what he’s doing. It’s just causing you pain. I know it’s hard. Hope you feel better Hey Hola...I know....probably would be best...but if I said I wasn’t going to do that..I would be lying...so since I know that stopping is not going to happen, then I am trying to do the next best thing and try to use this as an opportunity to face some long seated patterns. |
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Post by 8675309 on Mar 31, 2019 10:38:37 GMT
Could be you're in your feels because you are not part of what he is doing in his life. You receive crumbs of him and hes out living his life without you, you want him and you want to be part of his life. This is a reason I cut social media out, it puts me in my feels Im not part of his life, I just got crumbs. Hes out doing all these things without me. A post like that would put me in some feels too as Im not part of it. Might not be as deep as you think as for me its not deep, just bums me out it didn't work/no part of his life so I dont look. I dont want to know what hes doing without me... It natural to be bummed about things not working out when you wanted it to/care for the person. The natural thing for me to do is not look so I can move on and not put myself in my feels over a dumb social media post that in reality means nothing to my actual life.
This is one of those things I see as human, the person we wanted/have feelings for is living life without you so you get in your feels, our reaction to it is our attachment speaking. Like me as a secure, I dont look because I know its not good for me, I need to move on and cut connection, an AP can 'stay stuck' and still needs to be 'connected' in some way so they stalk social media.
Your pattern of stalking his page that continually puts you in your feels and your need to stay connected to a man that gives you crumbs is a deeper issue. He still gives just crumbs even as friend. |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 31, 2019 12:54:10 GMT
Could be you're in your feels because you are not part of what he is doing in his life. You receive crumbs of him and hes out living his life without you, you want him and you want to be part of his life. This is a reason I cut social media out, it puts me in my feels Im not part of his life, I just got crumbs. Hes out doing all these things without me. A post like that would put me in some feels too as Im not part of it. Might not be as deep as you think as for me its not deep, just bums me out it didn't work/no part of his life so I dont look. I dont want to know what hes doing without me... It natural to be bummed about things not working out when you wanted it to/care for the person. The natural thing for me to do is not look so I can move on and not put myself in my feels over a dumb social media post that in reality means nothing to my actual life.
This is one of those things I see as human, the person we wanted/have feelings for is living life without you so you get in your feels, our reaction to it is our attachment speaking. Like me as a secure, I dont look because I know its not good for me, I need to move on and cut connection, an AP can 'stay stuck' and still needs to be 'connected' in some way so they stalk social media.
Your pattern of stalking his page that continually puts you in your feels and your need to stay connected to a man that gives you crumbs is a deeper issue. He still gives just crumbs even as friend. I think you are right....I think also there is this sadness that I truly cannot be around him with other people now, which is why I left the community group I was so deeply involved with...every week I would see him chatting with other girls and it would cause a ton of jealousy...so knowing how I am, I decided to leave. However that decision has left a huge hole in my social circle and I have yet to find a suitable replacement. And you are also correct, this is a friendship on his terms...when he feels like it. And yes...I am AP, so the desire for any level of connection to this man is still there. ..even if it is just a like on FB....which is why I guess I do so much “comparing” and why him liking other girls posts means something to me when it could honestly mean nothing to him. And I know I am the common factor in this...so I need to address my stuff. |
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Post by 8675309 on Mar 31, 2019 14:03:04 GMT
Its natural to feel bummed out about your group stuff too. Seeing facebook is triggering you on what you dont have anymore, it would trigger anyone in some way having the hole now, your life changed and it was something you enjoyed. Keep working, you'll fill that hole.  Your last part its not like I didn't feel some of these things and be 'triggered' months back with likes, etc, its why I dont look! LOL. I dont dwell but it still stings seeing it and may give me some feels...so I dont play with the bees so I wont get stung. haha. Now it wont trigger me like that as its different me now, I still dont look though, Im not fully over any romantic feelings for him. Im still not going to play with the bees! You keep playing with those darn bees.  |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 31, 2019 14:19:53 GMT
Its natural to feel bummed out about your group stuff too. Seeing facebook is triggering you on what you dont have anymore, it would trigger anyone in some way having the hole now, your life changed and it was something you enjoyed. Keep working, you'll fill that hole. Your last part its not like I didn't feel some of these things and be 'triggered' months back with likes, etc, its why I dont look! LOL. I dont dwell but it still stings seeing it and may give me some feels...so I dont play with the bees so I wont get stung. haha. Now it wont trigger me like that as its different me now, I still dont look though, Im not fully over any romantic feelings for him. Im still not going to play with the bees! You keep playing with those darn bees. Thanks for understanding...I moved him from see first to unfollow. Just hoping I can find the strength not to check. Admittedly there was a selfish reason I wanted to see his posts...I wanted to be there for him...I thought, sillily, that if I liked his posts, if I showed him I still cared, if I could be consistent and affirming...then maybe he would come back. I get mad at my friend because I see what she is doing and I think how selfish she is being...but I am not all that different...it just comes out differently. I miss my old role as a leader in the community...I miss all my friends....I have a history of depression and when I lose things I tend to pull in versus reach out. I think a lot of people do. I am grateful for this site because without it...I am not sure where I would go with this. I have a handful of amazing friends who are just a phone call away...but sometimes I don’t want to bother them. Today just stinks a bit. |
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Post by happyidiot on Apr 1, 2019 6:50:20 GMT
Yes, I can relate. I think when that has happened to me has been for one of two reasons. In some cases it was like the lack of information in the photo was worse than if I knew who he was with etc. My brain could invent stories that he was on a date or whatever. In other cases it's just been about the fact that he was doing normal things living his life without me, and I also felt shitty about myself for creeping.
It's masochistic. Do you think you are masochistic or self-defeating in general? Could this possibly be a focus of self-help?
I urge you to consider getting rid of Facebook. You CAN break the addiction. I broke my addiction.
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Post by lilyg on Apr 1, 2019 9:48:09 GMT
Oh yes... that's why I think no interaction whatsoever is better than social media crumbs. I always delete exes from all media. It's just what works for me... But I can understand the fear in breaking that bond you feel you have with him. It was hard for me to do at first, but now I just do it in autopilot. If you don't want to unfriend him, there's an extension I and some friends use to hide stuff from our newsfeed: chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/social-fixer-for-facebook/ifmhoabcaeehkljcfclfiieohkohdgbb?hl=en I don't like some things showing up while browsing my weekly dose of pups and obese cats Maybe it helps you in the meantime! |
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tiara
New Member
Posts: 1
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Post by tiara on Apr 1, 2019 15:04:42 GMT
Hi I am new. I just ended some relationship with DA(possibly FA) partner. He came back after three days. I've never met someone like my partner. I did not even know about attachment theory. After two years of relation with him, I realized I gradually became AP. I am learning this dynamic we created before and trying to find a happy medium this time. I am not sure if these link can help but I believe you can somehow relate. They talk about attachment distress. Infidelity Trauma won't be your case but still worth to learn. You are OK to feel that way. It is just the way our brain works. We as human, trying to seek safety. We all have a trigger comes from attachment distress. Trying to know if we can feel safe around our partners from their behavior. Very biological explanation and the fact which we do not need to argue about. www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZ8sdPQZpWIwww.youtube.com/watch?v=XxBpetWtJJgxoxo |
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 1, 2019 20:46:54 GMT
tnr9 - I think sometimes our imaginations and fears of the unknown are worse that the real thing. We can anticipate the worst case scenario even when it’s not true but we piece it together with the bits that we do know. I think since this is more of an emotional and heart response that affects you negatively, it’s best to try to get yourself into the more logical space. Reason with yourself that the ONLY fact you know is that he cooked meat. This meal could be shared at a family reunion with his relatives- not even necessarily with friends. Try to visit and imagine other scenarios that are more calming and soothing to you. If you imagine friends of the opposite sex imagine they are boring and unattractive. You have a good imagination- let it work in your favor. Always remembering in all scenarios that B has avoidant issues and those issues will always resurface no matter how perfect he presents his side of beef. Keep it real. Keep it in your favor. Remember to go on facts and if you embellish- give yourself the edge. 💜
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 1, 2019 20:57:16 GMT
tnr9 - And I can relate to Facebook getting to you- my ex DA would never bother with social media (puhlease!!) but my ex husband and fiancé are on there. My ex husband blocked me after I blocked him a few years ago, but I can view his fiancé’s page. While I was done with him years ago, it still gets to me about how they travel every month- we never had the money to do that, plus, he NEVER takes our sons away on even a day trip. Not once since the separation 4 years ago. So, I rarely look but I hear about his adventures from my mom. I tell her I don’t want to hear about, but she doesn’t listen bc that’s a whole other issue! Maybe if you can’t jump to deleting him you can limit when you check his page. Try to cut back gradually knowing the subsequent pain you feel viewing his activities. Facebook is a false front anyway for everyone’s platform. Assume it’s way worse than what anyone presents! Hugs 💞
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Post by 8675309 on Apr 1, 2019 23:26:38 GMT
Also have to remember social media is a curation of ones life not what their life really is. (well there are some that overshare stuff they should not! LOL)
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