|
Post by mrob on Mar 31, 2019 14:37:30 GMT
I just want to bounce something off the brains trust here.
I’ve had a couple of coffee dates with a lady, we get on well, similar interests, stimulating conversation, but something just wasn’t quite right. I pushed it down, had dinner at her place and met her adult children. I put most things down to nervousness, wanting to make a good first impression, etc., but what I’m seeing is that she’s totally enmeshed in her children’s lives. From talking for them if I ask a question to excuses for whatever is going on in their lives. There are things that I can handle, but I don’t think I want to put myself in that AP/FA firing line again. Lovely lady, but the attachment is toxic.
Have I deactivated again or made a reasonable assessment to make a decision? I know it’s hard to say without being here, but I’d be interested in your responses. Thanks.
|
|
|
Post by sissyk on Mar 31, 2019 15:04:44 GMT
Would it be possible to just keep seeing each other occasionally and getting to know each other slowly and non exclusively?
The kid enmeshment may be real and may be a deal breaker....or new lady and her kids may be nervous about meeting you and wanting to present a positive spin to you this early on if kids have issues.
Does she help them financially? Are they around a lot? If so that can cause a lot of stress down the line. An old friend is contemplating divorce as her spouse of a year puts grown son above the new marriage as priority.
One thing I have learned as an older dater is getting to know another person takes a lot of time.
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 31, 2019 15:16:15 GMT
I just want to bounce something off the brains trust here. I’ve had a couple of coffee dates with a lady, we get on well, similar interests, stimulating conversation, but something just wasn’t quite right. I pushed it down, had dinner at her place and met her adult children. I put most things down to nervousness, wanting to make a good first impression, etc., but what I’m seeing is that she’s totally enmeshed in her children’s lives. From talking for them if I ask a question to excuses for whatever is going on in their lives. There are things that I can handle, but I don’t think I want to put myself in that AP/FA firing line again. Lovely lady, but the attachment is toxic. Have I deactivated again or made a reasonable assessment to make a decision? I know it’s hard to say without being here, but I’d be interested in your responses. Thanks. I think it would be wise to consider how new this is....a couple of dates and dinner at her place doesn’t really give you a full sense of her. While I would certainly keep an eye on things that bother you...it doesn’t sound like you are in a committed/exclusive relationship yet...so you can certainly continue to feel things out while exploring other dates. Is she divorced? Single parent? Widow? Was there a tragedy in her life? Does she have friends? Is she close with them? If you have had lovely experiences with her so far and this is the main stumbling block...then I would give it a bit more time.
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Mar 31, 2019 15:29:25 GMT
How does IT normaly feel for you when you deactivate ? Compared to how you feel now ? Why did you meet her adult children ? Did they just droped by or was IT planed ? Or do they still live at home ? You can always ask her about what you have observered about her and her kids before you Jump to conclusions ?
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Mar 31, 2019 16:14:50 GMT
Can’t add to the deactivated thing but...
I think it’s odd you have already met her children, you just met. It’s so soon.
I personally don’t want to meet a mans kids until I know were are going somewhere even as adults. I don’t need to meet the whole family just after a few dates... fast paced in my eyes.
They don’t need people in/out of their life like a blip. If I had kids I’d be the same way, no meeting until serious.
I’ve dated men that wanted me to meet fast and I would not. I’m glad I didn’t as it was over in a few weeks or so, I would have been a blip. Kids don’t need blips, they need stability.
they are grown but I still find it odd..
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Mar 31, 2019 16:47:29 GMT
mrob You said you felt something wasn't quite right before you met her kids, then after you met them the thing you've identified relates to that dynamic. So my first question is, was that actually what you felt wasn't right before you met them? Which means it was how she talked about her family on the coffee dates? Or were you just trying to fill in what wasn't right after the fact? I agree with sissyk that you don't know this woman yet. That doesn't mean you're wrong about her having an unhealthy dynamic with others close to her, which could translate into not being compatible with you for similar reasons. However, you just need to first check in with yourself if you really do have an instinct about early incompatibility or if you're projecting the "something is wrong." Ie what's wrong is you're feeling uncomfortable because she's triggering something in you that's reminiscent of past issues that didn't go well that you're now assuming will repeat (except she's not the same person as whoever was in your past so you don't know that yet) or if it really is directly about the two of you together.
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Mar 31, 2019 19:37:26 GMT
Can’t add to the deactivated thing but... I think it’s odd you have already met her children, you just met. It’s so soon. I personally don’t want to meet a mans kids until I know were are going somewhere even as adults. I don’t need to meet the whole family just after a few dates... fast paced in my eyes. They don’t need people in/out of their life like a blip. If I had kids I’d be the same way, no meeting until serious. I’ve dated men that wanted me to meet fast and I would not. I’m glad I didn’t as it was over in a few weeks or so, I would have been a blip. Kids don’t need blips, they need stability. they are grown but I still find it odd.. I think this is important... it's too soon to know, but maybe it's going a bit too fast for you. But why do you think she has emeshment issues with her kids? I can understand though... it is a dealbreaker for me. I like men with strong bonds with their families, but... in a healthy, adult way. Maybe relaxing a bit and taking more time to get to know each other might help?
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Mar 31, 2019 23:10:36 GMT
I agree with first- she introduced you to her kids way too soon if that was planned. My kids have yet to meet any man- they knew of my ex DA but hadn’t met bc they said they didn’t need to meet and we respected that. I don’t want men in and out of my sons’ lives so I’m strict about putting that off until we’re talking marriage. Also, I think it’s too soon to make a judgement call on her relationship w her kids. I think you’d have to observe her over time in various situations to make a fair call on that. Certainly could be a problem if dysfunctional so just keep your eyes open and keep dating her. Gather data
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Apr 1, 2019 0:48:19 GMT
Im glad Im not the only one on this kid thing and I dont even have any. I feel 'rushed' just reading this post about it.
Ive been the I dont want to meet your kids since my early 20's. I even knew in my early 20's not to go there... I feel its rushed/they have issues so early on in dating letting their kids meet a women that is not established/serious yet and see it as a red flag.
mrob maybe you're feeling a bit triggered as it seems rushed and you're associating it with enmeshment? Maybe a bit of both? Or you're seeing enmeshment because you feel rushed?
You didnt have much time to even know her and you've met her family already.
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Apr 1, 2019 1:10:18 GMT
Im glad Im not the only one on this kid thing and I dont even have any. I feel 'rushed' just reading this post about it. Ive been the I dont want to meet your kids since my early 20's. I even knew in my early 20's not to go there... I feel its rushed/they have issues so early on in dating letting their kids meet a women that is not establishes/serious yet and see it as a red flag. mrob maybe you're feeling a bit triggered as it seems rushed and you're associating it with enmeshment? Maybe a bit of both? Or you're seeing enmeshment because you feel rushed? You didnt have much time to even know her and you've met her family already.
I think it's too early to meet the family also, and could be triggering from that standpoint (rushing), but I didn't focus on that because we don't know the circumstances. I have had instances where people I hadn't known for very long ended up meeting all my friends or meeting my parents very quickly just because the situation unexpectedly came up. So it wasn't planned but also wasn't a big deal because it wasn't intended to be one.
|
|
|
Post by sissyk on Apr 1, 2019 1:38:02 GMT
Was this a planned meeting as in Please come to dinner and meet my kids! Or were you over there and happened to overlap with some kids?
I'm big on shielding young kids from dates but grown kids who know mom is giving dating a whirl don't seem like a big deal IMHO....
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Apr 1, 2019 1:54:52 GMT
Was this a planned meeting as in Please come to dinner and meet my kids! Or were you over there and happened to overlap with some kids? I'm big on shielding young kids from dates but grown kids who know mom is giving dating a whirl don't seem like a big deal IMHO.... Yes, sissyk I was wondering the same too. Planned or not? He said adult children but 18-20 is a lot different than 30. I was leaning toward the younger range so I’d still want to shield them from an early relationship.
|
|