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Post by tnr9 on Apr 12, 2019 12:20:37 GMT
Just a curiosity I had. Thank you for responding. 🙂
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Post by chipper on Apr 12, 2019 14:36:20 GMT
Well, both. If I’m not pursuing someone, I’m clearly not very interested in them. And if they aren’t pursuing me, they likely aren’t interested.
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Post by 8675309 on Apr 12, 2019 20:37:19 GMT
Both, I think it should be mutual. That said, I like to be pursued more in beginning stages so I know he’s interested. Too many fizzle before it becomes mutual.
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Post by happyidiot on Apr 12, 2019 21:24:43 GMT
tnr9It depends if you mean what do we think we prefer in our minds or what does our behavior demonstrate? Those can often be different! Also are you asking FA people specifically? For me, a heterosexual woman who is FA (admittedly heavy on the AP side), for a long time I would have said I prefer it to be equal, but my behavior would have demonstrated that I tended to chase, and tended to feel the strongest about people who were just slightly out of reach. After that, for a while I would have said I preferred to be pursued, because I learned that if I pursued someone more than they pursued me it was a bad sign. But I still did tend to chase people a little. Now my ideal is for it to be mutual but with him pursuing me a bit more, and like 8675309 said, especially in the beginning stages so I know he is really interested. My current boyfriend pursues me a bit more than I pursue him, which triggers my avoidant side sometimes, but I'd rather that than be in a state of near-constant anxiety wondering if he's going to ghost me. I'm guessing that what FAs claim they like will often not match our behavior and what an FA likes/does is going to vary depending on whether they have good self-insight and are working on their issues or not. FAs are also very conflicted, we might be like, "I want someone to chase me to prove that they really love me and aren't going to abandon me, OMG someone asked me out when we just went out a few days ago, they want to smother me and trap me, this is way too much pressure AGHHHH!" Gender may also play a role.
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 12, 2019 21:25:24 GMT
I prefer NOT to be the initiator and pursuer- I’d rather have the guy pursue me. It confirms to me they’re interested and makes me feel more cherished. I’ve always felt that way, however as an AP I end up chasing in various relationships but also true to form feel that having a man pursue me soothes my insecurities and anxiety.
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Post by happyidiot on Apr 12, 2019 21:59:02 GMT
I prefer NOT to be the initiator and pursuer- I’d rather have the guy pursue me. It confirms to me they’re interested and makes me feel more cherished. I’ve always felt that way, however as an AP I end up chasing in various relationships but also true to form feel that having a man pursue me soothes my insecurities and anxiety. Do you think that even APs are often actually put off by someone chasing them too much though? Like if someone is acting AP towards you, is that not off-putting for you? I guess of course it depends on how much you're attracted to the person, almost no one likes to be chased by someone they aren't even interested in, but APs tend to be the most attracted to more avoidant people. I was thinking about how I've seen even my most classic AP friend who is very AP get turned off and even disgusted by men who are more AP than she is or start acting/feeling avoidant towards them after a while. Like your anxieties might be soothed, sure, but then you might not want the person? |
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Post by alexandra on Apr 12, 2019 23:03:02 GMT
I prefer NOT to be the initiator and pursuer- I’d rather have the guy pursue me. It confirms to me they’re interested and makes me feel more cherished. I’ve always felt that way, however as an AP I end up chasing in various relationships but also true to form feel that having a man pursue me soothes my insecurities and anxiety. Do you think that even APs are often actually put off by someone chasing them too much though? Like if someone is acting AP towards you, is that not off-putting for you? I guess of course it depends on how much you're attracted to the person, almost no one likes to be chased by someone they aren't even interested in, but APs tend to be the most attracted to more avoidant people. I was thinking about how I've seen even my most classic AP friend who is very AP get turned off and even disgusted by men who are more AP than she is or start acting/feeling avoidant towards them after a while. Like your anxieties might be soothed, sure, but then you might not want the person? I'm only put off if I'm not really into the guy to begin with or it's disproportionate pursuit to the situation. Like, when a guy doesn't even know me but either tends to codependent or has bad boundaries immediately, even when I was AP, that became a big red flag. If I am interested in the guy, as faithopelove said, his moderate pursuit would soothe my anxiety. When I was extremely AP, I was susceptible to love-bombing if there was an initial attraction, and that put me in some lousy situations with really lousy red flag waving men. |
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Post by alexandra on Apr 12, 2019 23:06:03 GMT
But this also had to do with a huge fear of liking someone more than they liked me. When I was AP, I couldn't explain why I felt that way, but any feelings imbalance, on either my part or theirs, seemed like the actual worst thing in the world.
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 12, 2019 23:16:23 GMT
I prefer NOT to be the initiator and pursuer- I’d rather have the guy pursue me. It confirms to me they’re interested and makes me feel more cherished. I’ve always felt that way, however as an AP I end up chasing in various relationships but also true to form feel that having a man pursue me soothes my insecurities and anxiety. Do you think that even APs are often actually put off by someone chasing them too much though? Like if someone is acting AP towards you, is that not off-putting for you? I guess of course it depends on how much you're attracted to the person, almost no one likes to be chased by someone they aren't even interested in, but APs tend to be the most attracted to more avoidant people. I was thinking about how I've seen even my most classic AP friend who is very AP get turned off and even disgusted by men who are more AP than she is or start acting/feeling avoidant towards them after a while. Like your anxieties might be soothed, sure, but then you might not want the person? - good observation! It depends? I’m def put off by guys pursuing me hard to an anxious, needy level very early on, even before the start of a relationship, before I have any kind of attachment or feelings for a guy. Then it feels suffocating and he feels weak to me. I’ve seen this most frequently on online dating apps where I hadn’t even met the guy yet and after a few days of messaging he’s giving me a hard time about why I haven’t texted him back within the hour. Something like that is a complete turn off to me and deal breaker. If a guy I never met can’t understand that I can’t always respond to a text within the hour while I’m working or after 10 pm when I have others things to do (like sleep!) then I can’t imagine how demanding and possessive he’d be in a relationship. I’ve read it’s rare that two AP remain together- I can see that! Just last week a guy gave me a hard time from online bc he texted twice and I didn’t respond, but he texted at 10:00 pm and next morning at 10:00 am while I was at work. He said he “wasn’t high maintenance but transparent and was leaving the ball in my court now to initiate.” I did respond and explained I can’t always text at work or late at night and he never replied....and I’m fine with that! Filter them early. I do like a guy who appears stable and strong- yet wants to be with me. I like pursuit and interest, but not demanding pursuit and criticism if I don’t reciprocate quickly enough. I’m unwilling to jump through hoops for a guy I never met, but once I’m with someone and feelings develop I’m more than happy to text throughout the day and late in the evening if they’re reaching out. To the other extreme, once I get attached, my AP tendencies kick in and I’m likely to make the guy my world and put him on a pedestal, and if he pulls back, my alarms are ringing....I guess I’m very much either turned off by anxious pursuit or feel anxious with little to no pursuit. But, yes, a needy clingy guy at the onset doesn’t make me feel safe and secure at all!! So I guess on the surface the avoidant would appear more desirable to me, particularly the cool dismissive avoidant. |
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Post by 8675309 on Apr 13, 2019 11:39:14 GMT
@gecko "It just shouldn't be that hard to get together."
Its not. Any of my relationships it was easy, never doubted, who chased who, etc. It just flowed naturally, its how it is between secures. Obviously doesn't mean it will work out in the long run but its easy to get together.
Also to note I like healthy chasing not needy chasing, like some things others posted. They get all weird I cant text right away, bye. I start getting this ?? when I have not replied yet, total turn off. For my work I physically create things, I just cant be on the phone, my hands are literately full! LOL Im also just a person not glued to my phone. Some dont realize just because they are glued doesn't mean everyone else is...
Frankly I dont want to date a guy thats glued to his phone. huge peeve of mine spending time with someone and they are always checking their phone, goes for friends too. Checking here and there is fine, its the cant put the phone down like they are codependent on it, well they are if they cant put the phone away IMO. Same thing with constantly checking their Facebook...
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candy
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by candy on Apr 13, 2019 13:23:54 GMT
As a heterosexual woman with very strong feminine energy and with A_P tendencies apparently 'earned secure' at least on paper.
I like to be pursued most of the time. But I like to have the comfortable feeling that I am safe and welcome to reach out when I want or need to.
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Post by leavethelighton on Apr 20, 2019 23:46:21 GMT
To be pursued.
I suppose an ideal would be to be both, but if I had to pick one then I'd prefer to be pursued.
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