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Post by number9 on Apr 15, 2019 7:35:25 GMT
I saw this on reddit (link below) -- and it made me think about respecting other people's choices to leave a relationship, even if it feels devastating to us. In my current situation (in which I'm AP, he is FA), we are negotiating our needs, wants, time availability, etc. I've been making an effort to respect my FA boyfriend's wish for space. I am looking at my own "activated attachment" and I'm working on my own issues, going to counselling, while I figure out what I want from a relationship. Ultimately, I think the relationship has too many limitations, and I probably need to leave it, but there are also many good things about it. I'm working to accept it as-is, and also thinking about how to "end" it when we are in the same community (within a city) and have so many friends in common. But if he (or I) decided to completely cut off the romantic/sexual part of the relationship, that needs to be respected. Keeping this in mind is one good way to avoid contacting someone you feel you can't let go of, even after they said they wanted to leave. When I saw this on reddit, I wondered what the folks over here in Jeb's forums would think about it. www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/comments/bcvqt1/if_you_love_them_love_them_enough_to_let_them_go/If you love them, love them enough to let them go. It may be the greatest gift you ever give to the both of you.
Everyone deserves to be free. They should be allowed to leave, for ANY reason. They should be allowed to move on. They shouldn't have to be stalked or harassed just because you can't let go of them. You can't continuously force yourself into their lives and call it love. That's obsession. That's addiction. That's toxic. And if your ex was so terrible that you don't think they deserve to be free and find their happiness - then it should be obvious you shouldn't be with them. And most of all, love yourself enough to let them go. Your heart deserves a chance to heal. You deserve a chance to be happy. Keep moving forward. Stop looking back. Never give up. |
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Post by ocarina on Apr 17, 2019 12:52:20 GMT
I saw this on reddit (link below) -- and it made me think about respecting other people's choices to leave a relationship, even if it feels devastating to us. In my current situation (in which I'm AP, he is FA), we are negotiating our needs, wants, time availability, etc. I've been making an effort to respect my FA boyfriend's wish for space. I am looking at my own "activated attachment" and I'm working on my own issues, going to counselling, while I figure out what I want from a relationship. Ultimately, I think the relationship has too many limitations, and I probably need to leave it, but there are also many good things about it. I'm working to accept it as-is, and also thinking about how to "end" it when we are in the same community (within a city) and have so many friends in common. But if he (or I) decided to completely cut off the romantic/sexual part of the relationship, that needs to be respected. Keeping this in mind is one good way to avoid contacting someone you feel you can't let go of, even after they said they wanted to leave. When I saw this on reddit, I wondered what the folks over here in Jeb's forums would think about it. www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/comments/bcvqt1/if_you_love_them_love_them_enough_to_let_them_go/If you love them, love them enough to let them go. It may be the greatest gift you ever give to the both of you.
Everyone deserves to be free. They should be allowed to leave, for ANY reason. They should be allowed to move on. They shouldn't have to be stalked or harassed just because you can't let go of them. You can't continuously force yourself into their lives and call it love. That's obsession. That's addiction. That's toxic. And if your ex was so terrible that you don't think they deserve to be free and find their happiness - then it should be obvious you shouldn't be with them. And most of all, love yourself enough to let them go. Your heart deserves a chance to heal. You deserve a chance to be happy. Keep moving forward. Stop looking back. Never give up. Absolutely agree - it’s easy to justify clinging on by citing the other persons unhappiness but remaining is often enabling behavior and preventing growth on both sides. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2019 18:25:54 GMT
What I've seen over time, around me, is that some people just never really heal. Plenty of alcoholics die drunk, or get sober and die on a binge.... people go to their graves miserable and controlled by addictions all the time. Even when they are trying to correct it. The same can be true of relationship addictions and dysfunction. I don't know what makes the real difference, if it's physiological, mental, or what. But, when I see long term behaviors that are enabling or circling around the same issues, I just take it as a reminder that I have to really pay attention to what matters in my own life and take it super seriously... or I could get stuck like that.
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Post by nathan on Apr 20, 2019 12:07:12 GMT
Yes I agree 100% too! Even as a triggered AP I started to remind myself agency should be respected. Odd as it may be for an AP this helped me soothe. After time to process the pain of being left by a DA,I stopped taking it personally using some empathy I came to the conclusion that his reason for leaving is valid and he suffered as well. We both deserve to be able to be happy and choose. I really care about him, but he taught me that avoidants are probably not for me and I’m no longer feeling stuck in that loop. The outlook you have is so powerful !
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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2019 13:19:14 GMT
Yes I agree 100% too! Even as a triggered AP I started to remind myself agency should be respected. Odd as it may be for an AP this helped me soothe. After time to process the pain of being left by a DA,I stopped taking it personally using some empathy I came to the conclusion that his reason for leaving is valid and he suffered as well. We both deserve to be able to be happy and choose. I really care about him, but he taught me that avoidants are probably not for me and I’m no longer feeling stuck in that loop. The outlook you have is so powerful ! This is such a kind and wise perspective. I can say, as a DA myself, that an AP's fears and reactions are overwhelming and triggering for me. Being the object of an AP's fear, anger, reactions, obsession, and pain cause me to feel lonely and despair for my own sense of self, my own agency, as you put it. And of course, an AP quickly becomes the object of my own avoidance and anger. It's survival. It's about freeing myself to find the life I truly want, when I lehave a relationship. An AP should do that, I should do that. We all should be free to choose better for ourselves!!! The dynamic between these two insecure styles is very painful and unfulfilling for BOTH. Endings facilitate change that often is impossible to achieve while trying to survive as an individual in a very toxic dynamic. There are posters here who might disagree and say "But the avoidant should be willing! Why aren't they willing?" They are the ones so mired in AP that they are clinging after long periods of time to an unavailable partner! Maybe they don't realize, that this speaks volumes about their own ability to be a healthy and rewarding partner themselves. It's the blind begging to lead the blind in those scenarios. It's all just a reminder to me to keep going and maintain the goal of true security. With secure people. In mutual relationships that aren't constant battles of dysfunction and wounding! |
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Post by mrob on Apr 21, 2019 1:45:36 GMT
Both parties are unhealthy. My need for extreme independence while wanting company is just as unhealthy as an AP’s extreme need for togetherness. It takes two to tango, and when activated, all sense goes out the window.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2019 13:07:43 GMT
Both parties are unhealthy. My need for extreme independence while wanting company is just as unhealthy as an AP’s extreme need for togetherness. It takes two to tango, and when activated, all sense goes out the window. Exactly. I think that's pretty clear. And your best bet at growing and being supported in that is with a secure partner. An anxious partner would be the worst bet for you because of the constant triggering due to incompatible lifestyle and emotional needs. I think that's pretty well established on these boards and out in the real world also. So that's the point- anyone can leave for any reason. Even avoidants can leave to get healthier, it's not always about just avoiding. And, that's for no one but the avoidant to judge. Unless we are talking about avoiding the dysfunction of the dynamic. That's not a bad thing! |
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mamut
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Post by mamut on May 18, 2019 15:02:37 GMT
As an AP I completely agree. I only begged one of my exes to stay but he was literally a sociopath, so I was overly-activated. When everyone else chose to leave, I respected their wish. Was I happy? No. But what can you do? Nothing. I also hate it when exes beg to reconcile.
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Post by epicgum on May 19, 2019 15:35:10 GMT
Any kind of collective moralism like that discussed on this thread is meaningless, counter productive on an individual level and an utter waste of time.
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