Boy were the stories I was telling myself off...,

@sherry your thought process is indeed useful! And I do get how scary it can be for your close family when you risk your safety. I think I'd still prefer that.

Having these thoughts,for me at least, is like having an evil voice in my head telling me that someone is DEFINITELY deceiving me. In the past, if someone told me that, "hey,you're jumping to conclusions", the voice just gets stronger. No way to convince me because "I have proof!". I wasn't able to think of alternative reasons as to why something is happening. My "proof" was/is based on microanalysing another person's behavior or simple coincidences. I don't think the word coincidence is in an AP's vocabulary. Nothing happens by chance.

I used to ask friends about my worries, seeking comfort. I wanted to hear "they aren't true", it worked for a bit, only for the voice to come back stronger. I'm actually having a thought like that now, so this is kinda like live streaming lol.

It usually is about partners for me, but it used to be about friends too, not that intense though, as far as I remember. The one I'm having now is about my ex. I don't want to share it, as I've realised over the years, that the more you give attention to it, the more real it becomes. It's already jumped to conclusions and built a story and is trying to change my mind about my ex without me trying to think about it. Insert the word, intrusive. It blindsided me and now, even though hopefully I won't engage, it'll still be there "saved" on the archive of "proof against my ex".

The worst thing about these thoughts is because I do analyse just about everything to bits, I'm bound to be right on some. When I am, it only fuels the rest and gives that evil voice more power.

It made me lose trust to my gut instinct from time to time. I have had no way of telling what I really think is true. So for example, right now I have this urge to check on my ex's social media to find proof that it isn't, while once I had the thought,I wanted to go crazy and find proof that it is true. Not knowing and disregarding it as a mere coincidence is not an option. If i give in to the urge, I'll be looking for both, but the negative thoughts usually win and I'll be finding "concrete proof". Then I'd just start ruminating, making it even more real, I'd be crying and anxious "how could he do this to me" and end up torn for basically no reason.

Even while I was writing "no reason", the voice popped into my head saying "you KNOW you have a reason, you KNOW that your thought is right. He lied, he tricked you" and so on.

If you can make sense as to how that's useful, please share! Or how this was formed, caregivers or not. As mentioned, I've read that it's supposed to protect us from being blindsided, but it doesn't do that. It makes me so "evil", it makes me the "I told you so" person, "YOU CANT FOOL ME".

I feel weak now for having that thought, but I really didn't want to have it in the first place

The only use I'd see for this mechanism, is quitting my job and becoming a detective.

Hopefully I'll just try to apply everything I've learned so far and push the thought away. I understand how mindfulness works here as it makes me focus on the important stuff, here and now, rather than dwelling on a useless thought that only causes me sadness.

Sorry this got to such a long rant, I really was describing a thought live. It might help others to understand. Would love to know if other APs can relate.

mamut, it does sound torturous. What it looks like to me, is that this storymaking mechanism is useful, in a maladaptive sense, for buffering the pain of rejection and perceived abandonment. I don't think it's useful for coming to the truth, unless it use useful for coming out of denial.

Here's the best I can do to asses this:
You engaged in a very precipitous and tumultuous short term relationship.
Both of you participated sexually without adequate exploration of compatibility and intention.
Making the relationship exclusive, even though it was precipitous, tumultuous, and involved mind altering substance, gave you a feeling of legitimacy and long term intention/potential.
The relationship ended, as the intention for a long term relationship does not exist in the partner you were involved with.
It may be that this person had intentions only for sex with you, and hanging out.
That's entirely possible. It's also entirely painful.
However, the only thing to do is acknowledge that the relationship was not built by either of you in a healthy way. Adequate time to discover each other or even yourselves in it was not allowed. Assumptions surely were made on both sides.

I have been in a situation similar in which I engaged in sex too early to be wise- I was not boundaried with my own behavior, and engaged in something that caused me pain. What I learned is that I have to take time to discover a person to determine compatibility or even safety. I was careless with my own body and emotions. Probably because I minimized the risk, DA style. In the end, I felt angry and lied to, but I soon discovered that it was my own precipitous actions that harmed me. With boundaries, things would have been clear to me much sooner, but I had none with this situation and paid the price.

It seems as though acceptance of the loss and mistakes, even if it entails all the feelings of grief to include sadness and anger (these are ok and reasonable!) is the best way forward. Anything negative you experience through your own precipitous actions here can teach you what you need to change going forward, to not repeat this painful experience.

Now, as to the anxious mind: O think that the ability to find connections where others do not could be very useful in many fields. I say that with he caveat: Facts must ultimately reign. The imagination can be useful for considering solutions or insights that are "out of the box". In a non-emotional sense, this can be very creative and problem solving.

I also wonder, if it helps you not procrastinate? because you feel alarm? That might sound like a strange question. With the dismissive automatic responses, I find myself having a terrible problem with procrastination on things that require my attention. For example, say I have a financial stressor, it affects my security, I recognize it, then become stressed, and it faaaaaaades away. I "should" address it immediately but the channels been changed. I think I seriously need more therapy to address this, so I can sit with the discomfort without changing the channel and take appropriate action. I could use a little anxious motivation haha.

I have caused myself serious issues with this procrastination when I was younger. Everything is a non-urgent issue, which in life simply isn't true. I don't cause real problems for myself anymore, but I can see the potential as I get older and might have health concerns to be on the lookout for and attend to. You know, annual exams and routine checks all carry the potential for bad news. Delaying them can have serious consequences. I've just completed some bloodwork I had delayed too long and it was
ok. I'm trying to get myself to schedule another recommended procedure that carries the risk of bad news and it seems nigh impossible for stupid reasons like, I don't want to be on hold on the phone with he scheduling office .

I wish I had more motivation to do unpleasant stuff but I truly am working on that. I think it's more self-loving to "adult" with it and take good care of myself. But it's not natural to me yet. That could be because my parents never took me to a dentist or doctor growing up. It's just not familiar to me. I've gone as an adult but rarely. So anyway. Are you good about those things for yourself? I'm sorry if that's a silly question.

mamut I think the grieving that you are doing IS helpful to healing. This ending has triggered the abandonment you've experienced previously and visiting that to take care of it will release you from its legacy, it just takes time and support to know how to heal it rather than just reenact it.

On the health topic, the good thing is that I take very good care of myself otherwise- I try to prevent the need for doctors haha! I have a lot of loving self care practices and in fact am i excellent health. I do think there is an underlying feeling of "the other shoe dropping" on me, like now that I am happy my health will be ruined , what a sad thought . I think all insecures are haunted by a fear of inevitable loss. Also, not having routine medical care as a kid certainly didn't lay the groundwork for routine care as an adult. In fact, I wasn't taken to the doctor for severe injuries like a broken arm. Once I was taken to the hospital for scarlet fever, I don't know why. I mean, I don't know why that time and not others. Anyway. I think the procrastination thing is something to work in for each of us, it seems to come from different internal mechanisms but it's self defeating nonetheless.

It's all a lot of work but what else are we to do?

I have to add that my microanalysing is a different thing and we will be working on it. That is what makes me preoccupied and not being able to live in the moment. I make stories from those too, but it's a bit different for me and what's bothering me most about it is that I'm not able to enjoy a simple night out.

I get this completely. The truth is, insecure people have every reason to feel insecure with each other, as they are not likely to offer security to each other!

The dynamic between anxious and avoidants is driven by attachment insecurity, both sides. This is a very good reason to stop looking for security from someone who can't offer it and find it from someone who ultimately can- first yourself and then bring that security to a secure partnership.

Anxious and avoidant trigger the hell out of each other. For good reason. It's well established. One of the issues is talking ourselves into something that just feels wrong, on so many levels. Anything could feel wrong to an insecure person. Becoming more secure will improve discernment, as to who is a safe partner and who is not.

@sherry I'm enjoying it too! It's also very therapeutic!

Indeed, If it comes from a safe and vulnerable place, it just builds trust and intimacy, that's exactly what we talked about with me therapist!

You're getting to know each other, you're setting boundaries, how will you set them if you don't speak?

When I got jealous towards the end with this ex, I just deactivated completely, trying to show him that he was free to do whatever he wanted, thinking that's what a secure person would do, and maybe it is, but I'm sure even a secure person would talk to him about it afterwards. I didn't, because I knew I was feeling insecure because of his withdrawal and also because I have no idea how to talk about it. Jealousy for me was the hardest subject to bring up due to my parents. Now I know, now I can work on it.

And this brings me to tnr9, now you know and that's a HUGE step! Linking it to your mother will help solve many mechanisms! I'm so glad you found the root!

@sherry I was tagging @shiningstar on this thinking the first post was her, oops! anyways: exactly! This is why I don't want to go back to this ex, I can't handle it. If I we were both more open, maybe, but still, deep down inside, I know it would be a disaster waiting to happen. I'm in no position to get into another relationship anytime soon, especially with a guy that triggers me and vice versa. I need work, he does too, but unfortunately I can't help.

This might be a bit of an off topic, but tnr9 mentioned something I'm quite curious about what all your thoughts are.

“are we ok?” >>>> When is this an affirmation versus a validation request? with some partners, it feels like a mutually affirming question as well as a regular rship health check-in question. with my ex-DA, it started as that, then became a validation request because he either got tired of it or felt trapped by it (weirdly, when i stopped doing it, he was miffed).