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Post by alexandra on Apr 27, 2019 22:47:37 GMT
Hi ladybuglove, I'm sorry this happened. That's a very long time to feel unstable and insecure in a relationship and must have been hard on you. While I will note your ex sounds FA not DA, whatever his deal is is really besides the point. Are you familiar with your own attachment style? While I'm sure your ex had many wonderful qualities, that's also a very long time to be with someone who was always at a distance and never fully providing his half of a partnership. He's not going to change any time soon. He's apparently tried multiple times and just cycles around anyway, even if you've seen incremental improvements temporarily. Him not changing isn't your fault, but means to get out of this, you have to set the boundary and change. Often, staying in a dynamic like this for years and after he's shown you his capacity time and time again is driven by some anxiety and issues with self esteem / self acceptance. Have you focused on yourself, what you want, and what you deserve in all this? Because even he knows, it's more than he's provided. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2019 0:38:30 GMT
For the record, DA and FA have quite different internal and external dynamics I have found. I cannot imagine an unaware DA being that articulate about internal states and an external impact those states have on others. Even with help communicating, access to emotion and understanding them is suppressed by our nervous system generally, not just when triggered.
At any rate, No Amount of concession, time out, silence, effort, energy, devotion, whatever from a partner or ex partner seems to budge a DA until their internal mechanism shifts due to their own experience of their life and pain. Awareness is a slow thaw.
I cannot speak for FA on that.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 28, 2019 13:48:43 GMT
Hi ladybuglove , I'm sorry this happened. That's a very long time to feel unstable and insecure in a relationship and must have been hard on you. While I will note your ex sounds FA not DA, whatever his deal is is really besides the point. Are you familiar with your own attachment style? While I'm sure your ex had many wonderful qualities, that's also a very long time to be with someone who was always at a distance and never fully providing his half of a partnership. He's not going to change any time soon. He's apparently tried multiple times and just cycles around anyway, even if you've seen incremental improvements temporarily. Him not changing isn't your fault, but means to get out of this, you have to set the boundary and change. Often, staying in a dynamic like this for years and after he's shown you his capacity time and time again is driven by some anxiety and issues with self esteem / self acceptance. Have you focused on yourself, what you want, and what you deserve in all this? Because even he knows, it's more than he's provided. You would probably be more well versed in the attachment styles than I am, so he may just be a FA. I was thinking primarily DA with FA tendencies due to his upbringing. But, to answer your question as to knowing my own attachment style. I would say I was heavily an insecure-preoccupied about 8 years ago. Since then, I've done a lot of self-reflection, acknowledged my irrational tendencies and I've grown significantly from where I was. I would say even to the point I felt " secure" with my ex until he distanced himself, then that would trigger my insecurities all over again. As far as what I want, I feel my ex is literal perfection when he's not distancing himself from me ( personality, financially responsible, the same interests, perfect sex drive, clean, takes care of himself, and is ALSO a gamer * super rare*). So I feel this is a reason why I'm having such a hard time letting go. Also, like I mentioned, he was my best friend. So everything that we would do together I now have associations attached to them. I have found daily meditation, yoga, CBD oil, and practicing new hobbies that are not attached to him have helped. I know my own insecurities will be a daily challenge that I continue to acknowledge. I just figured if I could tell him my findings on attachment styles, if it's something he too would be able to acknowledge and maybe by his own judgement and wanting to work on himself. As he told before we broke up he wanted to work on himself, although, I feel like he's not entirely sure what is root issue is. Hi there...it sounds like you are caught up in the half full story of how perfect he is outside of his distancing, rather then looking at the whole picture of who he truly is. I get it...I understand grasping onto the “perfect” parts and hoping that the “imperfect” parts will change....but if you cannot accept him fully for who he is....including the distancing parts...then you aren’t really in love with the whole of who he is...just an image. No one is perfect...and change has to start from within...so if he has no desire to change...then really nothing you do will cause an awakening in him. Perhaps a good question is...if he never changes, would you still want him back? Distancing behaviors included. Be honest with yourself. |
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Post by unluckyinlove on Apr 28, 2019 14:31:32 GMT
Wow this one sounds familiar. My EX said the same things about "not being in a place for a relationship" and "being forever grateful" for "some of the best moments of his life". And then of course bringing up very specific memories that we shared.
I agree with Alexandria, your ex sounds FA not DA. The tricky thing about FA is that they possess wounds of BOTH the AP and the DA. Essentially what that means is that not only do they have to heal one insecurity attachment but they have to heal TWO. FA individuals have ALOT of work to do to ever be ready for ANY relationship. It's a very hard idea to come to terms with (especially for an AP) that there really is nothing we can do to "fix" or "help" these individuals. We assign too much of ourselves to their challenges.
Your guy will likely continue this dance.....I'm still wondering when mine will resurface. I think part of my healing was to completely remove my personal feelings from the equation. I was trying to tie myself too much into his issues....does he really love me? Does he miss me? Was what we had real? If he loved me, he would make it work, right? These are the things I had to erase (and I'm still healing!). But it was really never about me. He is at war within himself and you're on the outside tapping on the window. Trust me, he probably DOES see you above anyone else....but you're still outside the window.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2019 16:21:00 GMT
Why not just email him some information and let him do what he wants with it? You can't influence him beyond that really, and he has broken up with you so that's just something to accept even though it's painful. Going from a long distance relationship to living together is a huge leap. not recommended. Definitely a drastic way to assess compatibility, especially in a relationship already unstable and on/off.
He's not in a place to give you what you seek, and he tried to give you closure about that. It's a difficult situation but one you have little choice but to accept, unfortunately.
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Post by mrob on Apr 28, 2019 22:56:36 GMT
Another example of jumping straight to a DA diagnosis because the hurt party feels dismissed. He would not feel the need to circle, especially in an LDR, if he was DA. Why would he bother? I think you’re looking at a classic FA.
I might point out that It takes two to tango, as well.
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 28, 2019 23:44:15 GMT
For the record, DA and FA have quite different internal and external dynamics I have found. I cannot imagine an unaware DA being that articulate about internal states and an external impact those states have on others. Even with help communicating, access to emotion and understanding them is suppressed by our nervous system generally, not just when triggered. At any rate, No Amount of concession, time out, silence, effort, energy, devotion, whatever from a partner or ex partner seems to budge a DA until their internal mechanism shifts due to their own experience of their life and pain. Awareness is a slow thaw. I cannot speak for FA on that. My ex is DA and I completely agree with @sherry that your ex sounds FA for all the reasons she stated. Maybe a moot point now but something for you to consider if you continue to ponder this relationship. |
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 28, 2019 23:46:55 GMT
Another example of jumping straight to a DA diagnosis because the hurt party feels dismissed. He would not feel the need to circle, especially in an LDR, if he was DA. Why would he bother? I think you’re looking at a classic FA. I might point out that It takes two to tango, as well. - Agreed, after two years my ex DA has yet to reconsider us or communicate his feelings in this way. Those walls are thick and hard on DA and they seem to not even notice how they affect others. DA’s get frozen. The poster’s guy def sounds FA. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2019 0:06:34 GMT
Another example of jumping straight to a DA diagnosis because the hurt party feels dismissed. He would not feel the need to circle, especially in an LDR, if he was DA. Why would he bother? I think you’re looking at a classic FA. I might point out that It takes two to tango, as well. - Agreed, after two years my ex DA has yet to reconsider us or communicate his feelings in this way. Those walls are thick and hard on DA and they seem to not even notice how they affect others. DA’s get frozen. The poster’s guy def sounds FA. It's a deeply, deeply rooted independence that involves looking to the self for contentment and safety, looking to personal responsibilities and abilities and contributions to their world for meaning, avoiding the loss associated with relationships. It isn't intended as callous but rather for survival and inner peace and protection from pain of various sorts- DA just don't look to others to solve or ease their pain until they heal emotionally and can grow into that. It's difficult but rewarding to do so. An FA has the innate desire to actively seek out or reestablish connection while a DA will more passively accept it. An FA will be a returning partner, a DA will accept a returning partner but not profess the capacity to have a full on relationship, no promises- it will be for the same terms as before and a returning partner implies consent. A big difference is that an FA when activated to resume is really hoping, I think, to be able to do it "Right" - that is how it seems to me. They are more "relationshipy" in their behavior. A DA, seems to always know their limitations and doesn't swing around much, doesn't deviate much from the low key. A relationship with a DA doesn't look like the typical relationship because it's limited, consistently. That's where they (we) are most emotionally comfortable, peaceful, safe. and find meaning in our conditioned (from early childhood) emotional and physical independence. This is is just my own observation, of myself and others I know , FA and DA. This mode of DA relating in myself has evolved very much but I know it well. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 29, 2019 1:54:12 GMT
mrob - Agreed, after two years my ex DA has yet to reconsider us or communicate his feelings in this way. Those walls are thick and hard on DA and they seem to not even notice how they affect others. DA’s get frozen. The poster’s guy def sounds FA. It's a deeply, deeply rooted independence that involves looking to the self for contentment and safety, looking to personal responsibilities and abilities and contributions to their world for meaning, avoiding the loss associated with relationships. It isn't intended as callous but rather for survival and inner peace and protection from pain of various sorts- DA just don't look to others to solve or ease their pain until they heal emotionally and can grow into that. It's difficult but rewarding to do so. An FA has the innate desire to actively seek out or reestablish connection while a DA will more passively accept it. An FA will be a returning partner, a DA will accept a returning partner but not profess the capacity to have a full on relationship, no promises- it will be for the same terms as before and a returning partner implies consent. A big difference is that an FA when activated to resume is really hoping, I think, to be able to do it "Right" - that is how it seems to me. They are more "relationshipy" in their behavior. A DA, seems to always know their limitations and doesn't swing around much, doesn't deviate much from the low key. A relationship with a DA doesn't look like the typical relationship because it's limited, consistently. That's where they (we) are most emotionally comfortable, peaceful, safe. and find meaning in our conditioned (from early childhood) emotional and physical independence. This is is just my own observation, of myself and others I know , FA and DA. This mode of DA relating in myself has evolved very much but I know it well. Thank you for sharing this...I too have misinterpreted deactivation to be a person with DA and totally missed the mark on the potential of that person being FA. Also...thank you for the insight into the DA mindset regarding independence and dating. Sometimes it is important to hear things from a person who knows it intimately versus reading what is presented in a book. I don’t think many authors are kind to those with a DA attachment style. |
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