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Post by isfprecupied on Jun 11, 2017 8:14:50 GMT
Hello. I've found the board in the aftermath of a terrible, hurtful breakup. It's 4am and I woke up with a pit in my stomach, thinking of my DA who has cut me off. But now I'm writing about human complexity.
I think that I am at core a preoccupied anxious type, but I know in the past I have exhibited a lot of DA tendencies. I have cut people off completely with an "I don't care", although I did care quite a bit. I think I wanted them to pursue me.
And at times I have felt secure. With my children I am secure, and I'm proud to say, I think they are too.
So, is this a thing? Can people be different things at different times? It seems to me that I was a DA with men I found disappointingly unpassionate towards me, thought they didn't love me enough. And often I would have spent a lot of time freaking out about the relationship before I got to that point. But I hid my concerns for the most part because I didn't know how to get what I wanted so much.
Thanks so much for being here! Words are not enough to express how comforting reading everyone's stories is.
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sam
Junior Member
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Post by sam on Jun 12, 2017 19:59:14 GMT
Hi, yes I believe people's attachment types can change slightly maybe depending on who they are with.
I'm a secure at my core but with my ex who was an avoidant, I gradually became more anxious as time went on. By the end I was a wreck!
It great that your kids are secures. Read as much as you can about the attachment types and how you can move towards becoming secure and keep reading these boards, they helped me tremendously after my breakup.
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Post by gaynxious on Jun 12, 2017 20:59:30 GMT
Our partner's style and potentially other factors can definitely affect outer attachment style. With my DA ex I was anxious but for a prolonged period I became avoidant with him as a means to Lessing disappointment and I prolly also received positive reinforcement to continue as my ex started coming to me for emotional support more. Sadly I was still largely unhappy and whenever I allowed myself to switch back to a less avoidant attachment he would become avoidant again.
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sam
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by sam on Jun 12, 2017 22:50:40 GMT
Yes, I found that too, the last few months I seemed to have avoidant tendencies, I had detached from him but didn't have the strength to end it so in a way started behaving like him, which in turn actually made him anxious.
I definitely got over HIM and being with him very fast, I haven't missed him at all but the treatment I received from him lingers and as I said in a previous post the feelings from abuse are still there but I'm definitely back to being a secure and don't blame myself for the treatment and I know there was nothing I could have done. Unless he gets help he will never change.
I actually think that I've been told by ex boyfriends that I'm insecure but in reality I'm not, it's just that I've met insecure men that need me to feel insecure so they feel better. Do you think it's the same for you gaynanxious?
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Post by gaynxious on Jun 14, 2017 15:42:29 GMT
I'm definitely insecure, I'm not extremely anxious but I'd say mildly to moderately and I think I have a healthy desire for a lot of intimacy. Secures can want a lot of intimacy but they look for it in much healthier ways, i.e. Communication and partner selection rather than protesting and manipulating their current partner.
I think having an avoidant father and losing my mother in my teens put me in an environment where I learned that protesting and manipulating was he only way to get what you needed.
Also back to changes in attachment. Since my ex I have dated a few anxious guys. I like the near effortless intimacy they provide but soon find myself becoming avoidant with them. I'd say insecurity breeds insecurity. Being attached to someone by definition makes one hesitant to leave and so when your partners emotions are overbearing or dismissive it tends to cause emotional turmoil in yourself. Even secures can be subject to it they just tend to be more resistant.
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 12, 2017 0:30:02 GMT
Yes, I think right now I am more avoidant in my marriage (my spouse is either anxious or secure, I'm not sure), anxious in friendships with avoidants or when attracted to avoidants, and pretty secure with my children. I have done some research on this and there are studies that indicate people can have different styles in different relationships. I find it interesting that being an avoidant person attracted to an avoidant person can activate ones anxious side. I suppose it's sort of the "phantom ex" phenomena where even if the other avoidant person isn't actually an ex, they become idealized.
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Post by fundacka on Dec 7, 2017 12:45:23 GMT
Compassionateavoid, this is exactly my case. I keep maintaining simple relationships with very little emotional input, me on the avoidant side. It is friends with benefits kind of relationships. I separate them from my work and hobbies, I dont like introducing them to my friends or colleagues. When I start to feel any pressure, I quit the relationship. I think, there is lack of real interest from me towards them, but you might say, I am just afraid of emotional intimacy, but...I dont think so.
On the other hand, I have very deep feelings for my completely DA superhero I met 2,5 years ago. He ghosted me after couple of dates and I became super anxious. When he comes to my town, he initiates to meet each other. I cannot really tell his intentions, he seems like he wants to keep some kind of contact like once in half a year with no particular goal. Maybe it is the narcissist in him, who wants to prove my interest in him again. When I realized this, I was quite angry because he is aware of my feelings and he acts in a very confusing way. But the tenderness of his nature would persuade me that it is more complicated than it appears..Every time we meet, it becomes pretty odd, I cannot describe our relationship by words, it is not friendship, not clearly sexual..we just chat at a cafe, stare at each other...hard to describe...then he vanishes again.. After I do meet him, I start to eat less, I get very nervous and it takes me months to put myself together again. I keep fantasizing about him and he is flawless to me. I can find many imperfections on everybody else. That is why I cannot find love anywhere else. I keep giving other men a chance, but they are all just substitutors of him and cannot replace him completely in my eyes, no matter how hard they
try...
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