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Post by happyidiot on May 21, 2019 4:48:42 GMT
FA here. I am having a really tough time telling the difference between what might be my attachment issues making mountains out of molehills (since my inclination is probably to think any romantic relationship I have is doomed, and I think that sometimes I may have a heightened fear of being controlled) VS actual important reasons to end a relationship. I don't think it's that I'm getting scared by closeness and getting that smothered anxious feeling to run away. This is seeing some actual issues in the relationship and leaping to "I can't live with these issues and they're probably signs of worse to come and I should just get out now and in fact maybe I'm not meant to be in a relationship at all" etc etc.
Anyone have any tips on how to decide what are actual dealbreakers and what are just things I am catastrophizing?
So far my ideas are:
1. See if the feeling lasts
2. See what other people think. I'm not sure how effective this is, for a few reasons. People are very inclined to react based on what they think they would do in the situation and their "red flags" or "dealbreakers" may be different from mine. I may also talk in a way that biases them to agree with me.
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2019 5:14:25 GMT
This is really hard stuff. I'm DA healing.
Are you able to analyze the reasons somewhat objectively by listing them and putting them side by side with your list of personal values in a relationship? I understand that a really cagey avoidant can make even the most remote reason into one that makes perfect sense, and can even add a new "value" to cover the pre-existing condition π. But seriously, getting out of feeling and into logic might help a little bit. You could then get feedback from an objective source who knows you well and knows if you're bullshitting.
Have you tried to resolve the issue in a direct, emotionally available way?
Feelings are important though too, they need not be disregarded. They often carry important messages about where we need to step up for ourselves or ask for help. Sometimes they let us know a real boundary has been crossed and it's time to address it. Sometimes it's just an old trigger. It's tough.
I find myself deactivating sometimes and don't even realize what's going on.. until it passes and I am just glad I didn't do anything outward about it, didn't act on it. It can take a few days before I get clarity and back on my feet and open again. Talking with the person I'm turning away from often helps- to gain clarity or turn around back to normal and negotiable.
Also, is your energy really low? That's a sign for me that I'm just shutting down. Sometimes I think I'm just coming down with something, or didn't sleep well, but I'm actually slipping down in deactivation. Not sure how others experience that but it kind of sneaks up on me and when I feel better I can see clearly what the heck just happened. Crazy.
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Post by alexandra on May 21, 2019 6:16:02 GMT
Try to focus directly on what's going on in the current relationship. Be and stay present. In my opinion, the jump from, "are there actual incompatibility/dealbreaker issues here and how does this relationship make me feel" to ---> "I guess I was never meant to be in a relationship" is the catastrophizing.
I agree that you can start with trying to be as objective as possible, and think about how you define a healthy relationship and if this is one. Because that's what other people can't help you decide. Some sample questions might be things like, is the time spent with your partner draining or energizing? How about the time spent away? How is this relative to how partners usually make you feel (as you've been working on this and you're aware of your own attachment struggles, and you tend to know when you're deactivating or anxiously triggered)? If nothing ever changed for the "better" and things got more and more how they are now, would that be okay? Are you mutually supportive and respectful of each other? Do you feel safe and have the space to be yourself? Are your long-term goals generally aligned? I'm trying to come up with questions where it's harder to just convince yourself of incompatibilities in case you're deactivated and looking for reasons.
If you're feeling off, is it really directly related to your partner or is there other external stress or something triggering prior issues for you? Are you present and being there for yourself, no matter what your partner is up to, or are you in any way abandoning yourself?
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Post by happyidiot on May 21, 2019 6:32:34 GMT
@sherry and alexandra Those are good ideas, thanks. I'm just heading to bed but will consider and reply further soon. Thank you.
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Post by happyidiot on May 22, 2019 3:42:36 GMT
This is really hard stuff. I'm DA healing. Are you able to analyze the reasons somewhat objectively by listing them and putting them side by side with your list of personal values in a relationship? I understand that a really cagey avoidant can make even the most remote reason into one that makes perfect sense, and can even add a new "value" to cover the pre-existing condition π. But seriously, getting out of feeling and into logic might help a little bit. You could then get feedback from an objective source who knows you well and knows if you're bullshitting. Have you tried to resolve the issue in a direct, emotionally available way? Feelings are important though too, they need not be disregarded. They often carry important messages about where we need to step up for ourselves or ask for help. Sometimes they let us know a real boundary has been crossed and it's time to address it. Sometimes it's just an old trigger. It's tough. I find myself deactivating sometimes and don't even realize what's going on.. until it passes and I am just glad I didn't do anything outward about it, didn't act on it. It can take a few days before I get clarity and back on my feet and open again. Talking with the person I'm turning away from often helps- to gain clarity or turn around back to normal and negotiable. Also, is your energy really low? That's a sign for me that I'm just shutting down. Sometimes I think I'm just coming down with something, or didn't sleep well, but I'm actually slipping down in deactivation. Not sure how others experience that but it kind of sneaks up on me and when I feel better I can see clearly what the heck just happened. Crazy. It's crazy, I start latching onto silly things as evidence of our incompatibility. Different tastes in home decor? Clearly we could never live together because I highly doubt he would be willing to compromise on a single piece of art or furniture and I would feel unhappy and like our home wasn't mine so better to just end it now! He wants a cat? Obviously we aren't meant to be together because I don't want a cat and I'm sure he will influence me and I'll end up saying ok to him getting one. The fact that he wants a cat at all shows he doesn't value freedom and travel! So I guess it's no wonder that I doubt my judgement over bigger things too. I have a list of characteristics I wanted in a boyfriend that I made before I met him. He fits it extremely well. There is only really one criterion I'm concerned he might not meet. HOWEVER, what if I have now realized more things I want and don't want that I simply didn't think to include on the list at the time? haha I don't have especially low energy right now, no more than can be attributed to not sleeping well due to my anxiety at least, but I do get that. I need to work on addressing unresolved issues in a direct emotionally vulnerable way. I guess once burned I get scared to bring it up again. But I'll keep trying.
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Post by happyidiot on May 22, 2019 3:57:46 GMT
Try to focus directly on what's going on in the current relationship. Be and stay present. In my opinion, the jump from, "are there actual incompatibility/dealbreaker issues here and how does this relationship make me feel" to ---> "I guess I was never meant to be in a relationship" is the catastrophizing. I agree that you can start with trying to be as objective as possible, and think about how you define a healthy relationship and if this is one. Because that's what other people can't help you decide. Some sample questions might be things like, is the time spent with your partner draining or energizing? How about the time spent away? How is this relative to how partners usually make you feel (as you've been working on this and you're aware of your own attachment struggles, and you tend to know when you're deactivating or anxiously triggered)? If nothing ever changed for the "better" and things got more and more how they are now, would that be okay? Are you mutually supportive and respectful of each other? Do you feel safe and have the space to be yourself? Are your long-term goals generally aligned? I'm trying to come up with questions where it's harder to just convince yourself of incompatibilities in case you're deactivated and looking for reasons. If you're feeling off, is it really directly related to your partner or is there other external stress or something triggering prior issues for you? Are you present and being there for yourself, no matter what your partner is up to, or are you in any way abandoning yourself? Thanks, these are good questions. I guess this is the one situation where I still have a very hard time knowing if I'm deactivating/distancing or not: when I am feeling critical of someone and thinking they are not right for me. I can watch some of my best avoidant friends doing this and clearly see that it is a distancing move and talk some sense into them, but I don't know how to do that for myself. I can see I'm doing it sometimes, like if I start thinking a partner is not good looking enough that one's pretty obvious to me. Maybe it comes from having my appearance insulted as a child. I looked up the characteristics of a healthy relationship and see that some are a bit lacking in mine. Also I'm confused about these two which seem slightly contradictory: Compromise. In a dating relationship, each partner does not always get his or her way. Each should acknowledge different points of view and be willing to give and take.Individuality. Neither partner should have to compromise who he/she is, and his/her identity should not be based on a partnerβs.How do you define something as compromising "who you are" as opposed to just healthy compromise?
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Post by mrob on May 22, 2019 4:37:41 GMT
The $600 million question!
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Post by alexandra on May 22, 2019 5:31:38 GMT
happyidiot, I think this is the difference between compromising your core values and identity versus compromising something that's more like, would prefer or want vs. actually need. Dealbreaker issues versus general ideal preferences. I've had those thoughts about pets before, but I don't think cats actually stop people who want to travel from traveling. It might make it more expensive if you don't know someone to catsit, but it's logistically doable with some preparation. Heck, you can make the same argument about getting a finicky plant.
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Post by 8675309 on May 22, 2019 10:26:56 GMT
Do you actually know your deal breakers are? You need to figure this out when your not in a state of anxiety/fears. You need bottom line deal breakers that you don't compromise on and then there are some things that may become a deal breakers with a particular person.
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2019 11:49:39 GMT
This is really hard stuff. I'm DA healing. Are you able to analyze the reasons somewhat objectively by listing them and putting them side by side with your list of personal values in a relationship? I understand that a really cagey avoidant can make even the most remote reason into one that makes perfect sense, and can even add a new "value" to cover the pre-existing condition π. But seriously, getting out of feeling and into logic might help a little bit. You could then get feedback from an objective source who knows you well and knows if you're bullshitting. Have you tried to resolve the issue in a direct, emotionally available way? Feelings are important though too, they need not be disregarded. They often carry important messages about where we need to step up for ourselves or ask for help. Sometimes they let us know a real boundary has been crossed and it's time to address it. Sometimes it's just an old trigger. It's tough. I find myself deactivating sometimes and don't even realize what's going on.. until it passes and I am just glad I didn't do anything outward about it, didn't act on it. It can take a few days before I get clarity and back on my feet and open again. Talking with the person I'm turning away from often helps- to gain clarity or turn around back to normal and negotiable. Also, is your energy really low? That's a sign for me that I'm just shutting down. Sometimes I think I'm just coming down with something, or didn't sleep well, but I'm actually slipping down in deactivation. Not sure how others experience that but it kind of sneaks up on me and when I feel better I can see clearly what the heck just happened. Crazy. It's crazy, I start latching onto silly things as evidence of our incompatibility. Different tastes in home decor? Clearly we could never live together because I highly doubt he would be willing to compromise on a single piece of art or furniture and I would feel unhappy and like our home wasn't mine so better to just end it now! He wants a cat? Obviously we aren't meant to be together because I don't want a cat and I'm sure he will influence me and I'll end up saying ok to him getting one. The fact that he wants a cat at all shows he doesn't value freedom and travel! So I guess it's no wonder that I doubt my judgement over bigger things too. I have a list of characteristics I wanted in a boyfriend that I made before I met him. He fits it extremely well. There is only really one criterion I'm concerned he might not meet. HOWEVER, what if I have now realized more things I want and don't want that I simply didn't think to include on the list at the time? haha I don't have especially low energy right now, no more than can be attributed to not sleeping well due to my anxiety at least, but I do get that. I need to work on addressing unresolved issues in a direct emotionally vulnerable way. I guess once burned I get scared to bring it up again. But I'll keep trying. I totally get this. In fact I've been in the home decor situation. lol. The problem was, he WOULDN'T compromise on even one decoration and he WOULD have us end up with a cat because he was a control freak. I didn't matter, in the end I could look back and see the entire damn thing was about him. So, in that case it's not about decor it's about being a team with equality, care, and compromise. It isn't about a cat- it's about lifestyle. You really may have lifestyle incompatibilities. Have you talked about future dreams and goals? When you make a check list of qualities for a mate make sure that you both want to live in the same climate, for example. Also if one has a plan to get stamps on he passport but one wants to build a small business that requires staying put, there's a lifestyle difference that can cause real problems. Look for what's behind the niggling doubt. It's not about cats and vases but it might be about future vision.
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Post by epicgum on May 22, 2019 18:35:58 GMT
I think it can be helpful to remind yourself that no one can control you without your consent and if you wake up 2 years from now and you can't stand the cat or the phone decorations....you can leave literally at any point.
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2019 15:19:57 GMT
I think it can be helpful to remind yourself that no one can control you without your consent and if you wake up 2 years from now and you can't stand the cat or the phone decorations....you can leave literally at any point. This cracked me up! Sometimes, you find the imbalance and control in the little things and then you recognize them in the big things and you don't consent to the control by leaving before you've wasted two years π. Seriously, That's what happened to me. When it came to the control exerted around my body, my time, my relationships, my children, I could have prevented it all by recognizing that it wasn't a mutually respectful and considerate dynamic even in the smallest of things. It was all on his terms but only for the short time it took me to figure it out. Who knows if that's the case for you happyidiot, it's just something that may not be harmful to consider. Sometimes deactivation is actually a response to a real threat, it just takes some figuring out as you know. Good luck!
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2019 15:56:19 GMT
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Post by happyidiot on Jun 7, 2019 6:26:52 GMT
I think it can be helpful to remind yourself that no one can control you without your consent and if you wake up 2 years from now and you can't stand the cat or the phone decorations....you can leave literally at any point. I've been trying to think about this every day, that I don't have to let people control me. I have been controlled from birth, so it's a constant battle not to let them.
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Post by happyidiot on Jun 7, 2019 6:36:30 GMT
It's crazy, I start latching onto silly things as evidence of our incompatibility. Different tastes in home decor? Clearly we could never live together because I highly doubt he would be willing to compromise on a single piece of art or furniture and I would feel unhappy and like our home wasn't mine so better to just end it now! He wants a cat? Obviously we aren't meant to be together because I don't want a cat and I'm sure he will influence me and I'll end up saying ok to him getting one. The fact that he wants a cat at all shows he doesn't value freedom and travel! So I guess it's no wonder that I doubt my judgement over bigger things too. I have a list of characteristics I wanted in a boyfriend that I made before I met him. He fits it extremely well. There is only really one criterion I'm concerned he might not meet. HOWEVER, what if I have now realized more things I want and don't want that I simply didn't think to include on the list at the time? haha I don't have especially low energy right now, no more than can be attributed to not sleeping well due to my anxiety at least, but I do get that. I need to work on addressing unresolved issues in a direct emotionally vulnerable way. I guess once burned I get scared to bring it up again. But I'll keep trying. I totally get this. In fact I've been in the home decor situation. lol. The problem was, he WOULDN'T compromise on even one decoration and he WOULD have us end up with a cat because he was a control freak. I didn't matter, in the end I could look back and see the entire damn thing was about him. So, in that case it's not about decor it's about being a team with equality, care, and compromise. It isn't about a cat- it's about lifestyle. You really may have lifestyle incompatibilities. Have you talked about future dreams and goals? When you make a check list of qualities for a mate make sure that you both want to live in the same climate, for example. Also if one has a plan to get stamps on he passport but one wants to build a small business that requires staying put, there's a lifestyle difference that can cause real problems. Look for what's behind the niggling doubt. It's not about cats and vases but it might be about future vision. You're right. I'm scared that we have different ideas about what we want and that there won't be conversation, understanding and equal compromise about these potential differences. I worry that he is a control freak too. Some of our future dreams/goals are not aligned. I don't know how to decide which things should be dealbreakers. Does someone even exist who, before even having met me happens to have all the same ideas about life and their ideal future as I do? Let alone someone who wants the exact same things as me AND is also available and attractive and interesting and everything else I'm looking for and I can fall in love with? I don't want to be single forever, giving up on love or waiting for an impossible one. But I don't want to lose too much of myself and resent my partner or feel trapped either. Haha, classic FA.
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