Post by happyidiot on Jun 11, 2019 6:18:13 GMT
alexandra anne12 8675309 Thanks for all your replies. What I meant was not what are some examples of common deal breakers, but how do I go about determining what is really a deal breaker for me personally, versus what is just something I'd like?
This really hit home for me. I start feeling drained and resentful if I feel like I am making compromises for fear that I will be broken up with if I don't, when I feel like he isn't willing to meet me in the middle, and especially when I feel he shows zero appreciation for the sacrifices I am making. Maybe this is really the problem, more than any specific possible deal breaker?
I'm also worried about the future, that if we want different things it will be a huge problem and that he might not be willing to compromise.
I did try to answer that: "Is it something your partner does, and either enjoys doing or does for a specific reason that makes sense, that does not interfere with your life goals?"
If it's interfering with your life goals, and there's no ability to compromise about it (like, having kids or not is a binary yes/no decision), that's a dealbreaker and not a preference.
However, I think you also found your answer in your own reply. And it also incorporates what anne said. If you're compromising out of fear AND don't trust (or haven't experienced) your partner's ability to compromise, there's a couple of problems. One, you may be responding to your fear by compromising while he's also afraid but responding to it some other way. Which, isn't a healthy relationship on either end (you're ignoring your needs out of fear and not valuing yourself enough while he's unable to value you enough because fear drives him to not prioritize you). Two, this reflects on poor conflict resolution skills between the two of you (I'm not attempting to place blame, just stating objectively that there's a gap neither of you has figured out how to overcome together), which makes a relationship really difficult. If he digs in his heels or threatens a breakup when you two fight or try to resolve conflict, and those are his only two conflict resolution go-to methods, and you're trying to move closer to him without abandoning yourself but he's not meeting you partway there, that is a recipe for imbalance and resentment.
But it is something he can learn and you can both learn together in terms of relating better to each other if he's willing to do that work.
For what it's worth, that inability to compromise effectively dynamic sounds like one I've been through being AP dating FA men who specifically were on the selfish side of the spectrum. I was willing to budge while they never really put me first, so there was no mutual caring and tradeoff behaviors. Or if there were, they would clearly indicate how put out they were by being imposed upon (so the compromise wasn't out of giving and care and they were clearly resentful). They weren't doing it maliciously, but it usually stemmed from them having deep control issues and it being a defense mechanism to "protect" themselves by never putting their partners first because it made them too vulnerable. Investing in your partner (which can be as simple as doing something for them) gives you more to "lose" if you fear abandonment.