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Post by glacier on Jun 13, 2019 0:30:16 GMT
The reason we haven't met irl is the huge distance, it will have to be an overnight trip and it is to soon for me to take such a big step. I had another Facetime session with him and I really don't feel any attraction at all, so it is over for me. I'm going to tell him the next time he texts, but I will soften it by saying the distance is too great.
There are too many red flags, and even though I haven't been with an AP to know what it is like, it's honestly enough engulfment for me for these 2 weeks. You are right, little small things might amplify into future disasters, and it is too much even in the beginning. I don't want to be constantly engaged like this, it is tiring. I'm glad it isn't my DA side, and it is clear to everyone this is a potentially dangerous relationship.
So it ends here, but I am grateful to everyone for their feedback. I gained invaluable insight. This helps me on my way to become a secure one day.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2019 1:27:54 GMT
The reason we haven't met irl is the huge distance, it will have to be an overnight trip and it is to soon for me to take such a big step. I had another Facetime session with him and I really don't feel any attraction at all, so it is over for me. I'm going to tell him the next time he texts, but I will soften it by saying the distance is too great. There are too many red flags, and even though I haven't been with an AP to know what it is like, it's honestly enough engulfment for me for these 2 weeks. You are right, little small things might amplify into future disasters, and it is too much even in the beginning. I don't want to be constantly engaged like this, it is tiring. I'm glad it isn't my DA side, and it is clear to everyone this is a potentially dangerous relationship. So it ends here, but I am grateful to everyone for their feedback. I gained invaluable insight. This helps me on my way to become a secure one day. Good for you, making a decision based on what feels right to you. I can understand second guessing yourself. When I date I wonder if it's avoidance or red flag about some things also. But once I understand it, and get some feedback and walk it out, I learn Things That Cannot Be Unlearned hahaha! It gets easier. Once I dated an anxious person and the constant contact was troubling but I thought it would slow down. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I facetimed, made myself available via text, phone, whatever. Bless my avoidant heart I tried. He actually turned out to be very unkind when triggered,after a while. The red flags all added up in retrospect, there were more indications. He was completely unwilling to do any internal work at all, and what I learned from the whole thing is... If it starts weird it will end painfully haha. I can do better than a really insecure beginning... I'm not THAT insecure myself anymore . I don't have to give everyone a chance, if there is enough in me to hesitate and question and feel uneasy about, it's ok for me to pass even if I'm avoidant. My instincts have gotten much more accurate and secure. I still have dismissiveness in me but it is not the biggest slice of my pie. I had to work long and hard to come this far and by God, I'll only be dating someone who has worked hard and long too. I'm not asking for perfection but awareness and progress toward secure (or being totally secure!) is mandatory for me. If I do the work, they can too!! |
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Post by glacier on Jun 13, 2019 18:50:20 GMT
You are all so right. I want to share a small incident that finally shows a great big red flag. He texted so much today even though I asked for "space", eg his speech he was giving in another city, asked me if it was ok, etc.
Finally he texted a photo of himself and his assistant who is leaving today when her contracts ends, with a sad message that he will now be alone. I texted back an emoji, the one with a hand over the mouth, and the word "SORRY" next to it.
He texted back "Why did you use a mocking emoji?"
Me "It is an "oh dear" emoji."
He " ha ok, oh dear." "For what?"
Me "Please do not read more into this."
I dodged a bullet.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2019 19:46:26 GMT
Really, if you see early signs of anxious and clingy behavior it's fine to just drop it. I've only seen what feels like needy behavior turn out to be truly needy inappropriate behavior, in dating.
And, if I give it a chance guess who is the big meanie fielding dumb accusations? Me. haha.
Many people date to avoid themselves, while inflicting themselves all over someone else. Of it feels weird most of the time it is. This can help hone your healthy instincts- it's not all about avoidance- it's about discretion.
Good job walking it out tho!
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Post by 8675309 on Jun 14, 2019 2:00:16 GMT
Ive never had a relationship with and AP, they never get past dating. They turn me off. You went way farther than I would as a secure!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2019 2:31:49 GMT
Ive never had a relationship with and AP, they never get past dating. They turn me off. You went way farther than I would as a secure! Yeah, I didn't have any doubt in my mind that my aversion to your account of him was not avoidance, it seems just like boundaries and discretion to me to nip this in the bud with the early signs. But it's a learning process. I have heard lots of people talk about dating and describe this kind of behavior as "Stage 5 Clinger". There is absolutely no obligation to give someone more time if you're uncomfortable. I know that you had to determine your feelings and get clear in yourself, but as time goes on you can trust your gut better. That's what security is about also- it's not just about not avoiding others but it's about not avoiding your own feelings, messages, needs, cues. Emotional availability to yourself can mean , if you don't wanna you don't hafta. End of. Exercises like this will fine tune your intuition and help you define boundaries and needs. Alls well that ends well! Dating can be a real pain in the ass, can't it? haha. |
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Post by glacier on Jun 14, 2019 13:09:42 GMT
Thank you for your insight. It has been helpful for me.
We haven't actually dated yet, since we are only talking, but he spent a lot of time contacting me. After a long lonely relationship with an unavailable partner, I want to try to find a secure, but I am put off by most of my dates so far, who don't make it past one or two coffee dates. There are also many divorced avoidants who didn't make any efforts at all past the first one or two calls, even though everything seemed to be going well. He mirrored me, so I wasn't sure if we weren't compatible, as few other men are interested in the same past-time, and he isn't bad looking. That made our conversation really pleasant. I was only uncomfortable with the speed and frequency, but unsure if that is a deal-breaker, so I posted my questions here.
I don't trust my intuition anymore as statistically, it cannot be right that so many men, 40+ within 3 months, who contacted me are all wrong. I am concerned about turning down a good man. I also read that secures can actually make it work with APs and DAs, so I wonder if we both move towards secure the outcome might be good. I was gradually getting more turned off. However, this one red flag is too big to ignore. It is no longer about anxiety, needing assurance, etc. - it shows he can be triggered for deeper, scarier emotions to surface. That sealed the deal indeed.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 14, 2019 13:39:08 GMT
I don't trust my intuition anymore as statistically, it cannot be right that so many men, 40+ within 3 months, who contacted me are all wrong. Actually, your intuition may be okay if you're just basing it on that. You're meeting these men online? Unfortunately, the reality is as we get older, most of the secures who wanted to settle down did. Some do end up back in the dating pool (divorced, widowed), and some insecurely attached do the work to become secure, but online dating overindexes in insecurely attached after a certain age. You can meet many, many men and have the majority be insecure. Then, the few who are secure may still not be compatible with you. I've definitely had this issue. I'd estimate only a third of the men I've been meeting online are secure, and I'm not necessarily without dealbreakers or even physically attracted to all of that smaller secure pool. But I trust my intuition at this point / am not self- sabotaging. Of the insecures, I'm running into more avoidant than anxious, but there's definitely a lot of both. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2019 14:49:50 GMT
I don't trust my intuition anymore as statistically, it cannot be right that so many men, 40+ within 3 months, who contacted me are all wrong. Actually, your intuition may be okay if you're just basing it on that. You're meeting these men online? Unfortunately, the reality is as we get older, most of the secures who wanted to settle down did. Some do end up back in the dating pool (divorced, widowed), and some insecurely attached do the work to become secure, but online dating overindexes in insecurely attached after a certain age. You can meet many, many men and have the majority be insecure. Then, the few who are secure may still not be compatible with you. I've definitely had this issue. I'd estimate only a third of the men I've been meeting online are secure, and I'm not necessarily without dealbreakers or even physically attracted to all of that smaller secure pool. But I trust my intuition at this point / am not self- sabotaging. Of the insecures, I'm running into more avoidant than anxious, but there's definitely a lot of both. Yes. And I think online venues are a haven for the unavailable (anxious and avoidant, all unsecures) because it's is easily controlled with pics, profiles, messaging, instant intimacy, etc. Perfect place for unhealthy people to mingle or avoid, while maintaining a facade of actual engagement. I think secure people could do well with it, but I also think secure people are more available to people IRL. I know plenty of secure people who date but don't do anything online because it's so screwy. They join groups, do their hobbies, meet friends of friends etc. Not hiding out in the rabbit hole of POF 😂 |
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Post by 8675309 on Jun 14, 2019 21:05:49 GMT
Ive never had a relationship with and AP, they never get past dating. They turn me off. You went way farther than I would as a secure! Yeah, I didn't have any doubt in my mind that my aversion to your account of him was not avoidance, it seems just like boundaries and discretion to me to nip this in the bud with the early signs. But it's a learning process. I have heard lots of people talk about dating and describe this kind of behavior as "Stage 5 Clinger". There is absolutely no obligation to give someone more time if you're uncomfortable. I know that you had to determine your feelings and get clear in yourself, but as time goes on you can trust your gut better. That's what security is about also- it's not just about not avoiding others but it's about not avoiding your own feelings, messages, needs, cues. Emotional availability to yourself can mean , if you don't wanna you don't hafta. End of. Exercises like this will fine tune your intuition and help you define boundaries and needs. Alls well that ends well! Dating can be a real pain in the ass, can't it? haha. Ugh. Im not even really dating... Its such work! haha
To someone else posted. The dating pool 35+ is filled with insecure attached, narcs and bitter baggage carriers so its sure a possibility you're seeing more of it. Im anti dating sites, I dont even have any personal social media anymore, only business IG.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2019 0:07:25 GMT
Yeah, I didn't have any doubt in my mind that my aversion to your account of him was not avoidance, it seems just like boundaries and discretion to me to nip this in the bud with the early signs. But it's a learning process. I have heard lots of people talk about dating and describe this kind of behavior as "Stage 5 Clinger". There is absolutely no obligation to give someone more time if you're uncomfortable. I know that you had to determine your feelings and get clear in yourself, but as time goes on you can trust your gut better. That's what security is about also- it's not just about not avoiding others but it's about not avoiding your own feelings, messages, needs, cues. Emotional availability to yourself can mean , if you don't wanna you don't hafta. End of. Exercises like this will fine tune your intuition and help you define boundaries and needs. Alls well that ends well! Dating can be a real pain in the ass, can't it? haha. Ugh. Im not even really dating... Its such work! haha
To someone else posted. The dating pool 35+ is filled with insecure attached, narcs and bitter baggage carriers so its sure a possibility you're seeing more of it. Im anti dating sites, I dont even have any personal social media anymore, only business IG.
anti dating sites as well!! |
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Post by glacier on Jun 15, 2019 10:45:12 GMT
I appreciate all your replies. It makes me feel relieved, knowing that it is not my DA side going into full throttle. Your perspectives about dating are invaluable. It puzzles me why most of the men have no ability to "see" why their thoughts and behavior are not alright? For example, one described how after his divorce he dated a colleague for years but she was like a "bandage" and he broke up with her when he felt healed. Suffice it to say we never went on a second date. Another who heavily fancies himself I just contacted sent me his "book" and musings about love today after a conversation last night, and kept texting to see if I read it yet. It is harrowing. Each encounter makes me lose hope, and I have been feeling lonely for many years due to a severely avoidant partner.
I rely on dating sites as I live in a small to mid-sized city, and there are not many older singles to date. I am also shy and not very sociable in real life.
How do you prepare yourselves psychologically for the possibility of never meeting the right one? |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 15, 2019 10:58:30 GMT
Actually, your intuition may be okay if you're just basing it on that. You're meeting these men online? Unfortunately, the reality is as we get older, most of the secures who wanted to settle down did. Some do end up back in the dating pool (divorced, widowed), and some insecurely attached do the work to become secure, but online dating overindexes in insecurely attached after a certain age. You can meet many, many men and have the majority be insecure. Then, the few who are secure may still not be compatible with you. I've definitely had this issue. I'd estimate only a third of the men I've been meeting online are secure, and I'm not necessarily without dealbreakers or even physically attracted to all of that smaller secure pool. But I trust my intuition at this point / am not self- sabotaging. Of the insecures, I'm running into more avoidant than anxious, but there's definitely a lot of both. Yes. And I think online venues are a haven for the unavailable (anxious and avoidant, all unsecures) because it's is easily controlled with pics, profiles, messaging, instant intimacy, etc. Perfect place for unhealthy people to mingle or avoid, while maintaining a facade of actual engagement. I think secure people could do well with it, but I also think secure people are more available to people IRL. I know plenty of secure people who date but don't do anything online because it's so screwy. They join groups, do their hobbies, meet friends of friends etc. Not hiding out in the rabbit hole of POF 😂 This is why I don’t do online dating.....too much of an opportunity to manipulate and hide behind pictures and words. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 15, 2019 11:08:24 GMT
I appreciate all your replies. It makes me feel relieved, knowing that it is not my DA side going into full throttle. Your perspectives about dating are invaluable. It puzzles me why most of the men have no ability to "see" why their thoughts and behavior are not alright? For example, one described how after his divorce he dated a colleague for years but she was like a "bandage" and he broke up with her when he felt healed. Suffice it to say we never went on a second date. Another who heavily fancies himself I just contacted sent me his "book" and musings about love today after a conversation last night, and kept texting to see if I read it yet. It is harrowing. Each encounter makes me lose hope, and I have been feeling lonely for many years due to a severely avoidant partner.
I rely on dating sites as I live in a small to mid-sized city, and there are not many older singles to date. I am also shy and not very sociable in real life.
How do you prepare yourselves psychologically for the possibility of never meeting the right one? Hey Glacier....I don’t know if that was a general question or aimed at other DAs here....personally, as much as it sucks at times....I am learning that singleness is not bad. I also am not a big fan of “the one”....because it presumes that there is only 1 person out of billions of people who is a good fit and I just don’t buy that...maybe there are not any good fits where you are...but there is a big world out there. I don’t know if that was the angle you were going for. |
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Post by 8675309 on Jun 15, 2019 12:40:04 GMT
Personally for me. Im a universe believer and a man will be sent when the time is right. People come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Usually when you stop looking one will appear.
Just like the FA that led me here, I grew so much because of him, he was sent to me to learn attachment and reflect on my life even more. Ive been so red pilled and thankful for it.
No such thing in my mindset that I wont meet someone good in time. get rid of the mindset, vibe good energy and thoughts. Know you're awesome and your time will come.
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