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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2019 2:53:21 GMT
Wow this thread has been invaluable. Thank you so much for these recents answers. It's extremely useful to have people that can really understand both sides here. You guys provided so much information, I don't know where to start. - sherry, your attempt at trying to see my gf point of view is probably quite accurate and is _very_ helpful. I know that my behavior is a big turn-off for her and probably the cause for her withdrawal. At the same time, I find that some of my requests are not necessarily unreasonnable and a secure partner would help me on the path to become secure. But as you both say, I can't expect her to change and must myself strive to become secure. If I do succeed in becoming secure, then I will reduce the behaviors that trigger her in the first place. To answer some of the questions, no she doesn't criticize me. Ever. She instead withdraws when I act in an upsetting way for her. As for the question about what I'm doing to improve my own AP tendencies, I read 2 books on attachment so far and am currently reading a 3rd. I'm also reading a lot online and seeking advice on forums such as this one (though this is the best one). I took a dating hiatus after a 6 mo failed relationship with an "extreme" DA 3 years ago and took that time to work on myself and do lots of introspection. I was transparent from the very beginning with my current gf with my AP tendencies. I think I improved quite a bit in the last 2-3 years but I obviously have some ways to go. I had also started meditation at some point but gave up. I should start again. shiningstar, thanks for your validation and empathy about my need for some consistency. You understood very well what I was trying to say. I also understand that if I was secure, then I wouldn't fear to bring this up with her and asking for my needs to be met. But then again, if I was secure I probably would never have displayed protest behaviors and I wouldn't have caused inconsistencies in my girlfriend in the first place. Yes, at this point my fear of abandonment is too great to freely speak up about the things that bother me. I don't want to lose this relationship because of my insecurities. I would much prefer to suck it up for now and work towards becoming secure. I would of course prefer if we could do this journey together but I don't feel that we can because she gets triggered whenever we speak about that subject. You said that you read everything you could get your hands on about becoming secure but that didn't seem to help. What did help in the end? Was it simply, as you say, the realization that you have needs and are justified in them and just simply having the confidence to speak up about them? Did you end up ending a relationship with a DA to get into a relationship with a secure who could meet your needs? what helped me was actually what sherry said - just focus on myself and work towards security, alone. this is an easy principle and solution, what I found really difficult was understanding what that really means. the process of getting to that point of understanding that message was facilitated by a few insights. 1. I was someone who triggered him and vice versa. I needed to be someone else, and that could be with or without him. It didn't matter at all - it would have been nice if we did it together, but he made it quite clear that he was not interested in doing anything like that. I needed to decide if i was going to do this work if he wasn't. I decided i was. 2. it got to a point where it felt like micro-suicide just to keep the relationship going and it was just too much. during this relationship i was terribly hurt but I also eventually saw how he was hurt by me. i saw that when i get triggered and the APness starts, i was also unavailable as a partner to him and be supportive of him in his life. this recognition that I was also a terrible partner to him made me question what it means to love someone - how could i have been unkind to him (even if i didnt think i was at that time, but i was) if i proclaimed to love him? and also, how mindless and uncentered was i to have acted in hurtful ways even if that was not my intention? while we can discuss his unavailability and how i got triggered etc, it _really_ didn't matter at all in the end. What is important is really how I respond to situations as an individual, regardless of what has happened. this was a standard I set for myself, because I needed to determine what my own values/beliefs are and what kind of partner do I want to be - this should be a consistent thing across partners. 3. I stopped focusing on what a terrible person i was and how i needed to fix myself so that i wouldn't do it again, but that wasn't really helpful in true healing. I recognized and acknowledged my own pain and needs, but I also needed to do the same for his. Only when i recognized and acknowledged and ACCEPTED my own pain in a compassionate and not blameful way, was I able to do the same for him. the ability to sit and process my own negative emotions is very very important in making sure that as a partner, i could hold space for another's. i was not able to do that before for him because i never learnt how to do it via doing it for myself. and this helped me realize what I needed for myself as well as how meeting this need myself helps me in identifying partners who could do the same and how it helps me be a better partner. 4. I stopped wondering why he did all those things and focused on what I want/need/can do. it didn't matter at all WHY he did those things - the fact is that he did them and the relationship was damaged. THIS GOES BOTH WAYS. it didn't matter that I behaved poorly because I was hurt. the past does not justify present behaviors. People pick partners to support and love them - he wasn't doing it for me and i wasn't doing it for him - that is the reality. however, during my process, I really investigated all insecure behaviors because I wanted to be secure, and I needed to differentiate different things cognitively to know where emotionally I'm coming from. in that process it helped me understood his perspective and my own, but it didn't really matter. I didn't want to be insecure and I didn't want to deal with other insecures - so I need to know all shades of insecurity, not just his. 5. I simply decided to fuck it and gave up on being AP because it wasn't helping me at all in structuring my world, as it used to when i was younger. it got to a point where i had to decide how to function as an adult by myself, and what that looked like for me. this means recreating my identity, rewriting my narrative, and doing alot of ground work in determining who i am as a person. the process of doing so involved alot of confrontation with the past, but i was much more able to do so because I had voice - this was greatly suppressed when i was a child. I just decided I will have a voice again and now that I earn my own keep, I really don't need to bow to anyone who didn't like my voice. I wanted to be secure and strong, which people thought i was even though I didn't feel like it. So i simply decided to embrace what people perceived - that i AM independent and that I can take care of myself, and that I don't need crappy relationships to pretend that I have a good life. I also decided that i need to be authentic which means i first need to know what my needs are and what my feelings are, WITHOUT asking for accountability from someone else. there was alot of decisions i had to make to shed old beliefs and behave in certain ways - it was scary at first, and it's something im still exploring, but simply taking control and deciding how things will be is also a very empowering act. I determine my own reality; i didn't need to keep asking someone to validate my reality. This is something very central to the AP experience - the need for validation because we simply don't trust our own reality.
When i saw all these things - how meeting my own emotional needs can help me be a better available partner as well as help me identify availability - it's what sherry said. just focus on yourself and work towards security. alone. but my realization is that in the process of getting to that point, one key thing is that one must take ownership for the self as an adult and that means the willingness and ability to speak up for needs without being consumed by the fear of doing so. Note that i had absolutely no interest in getting into another relationship, secure or not, to meet my needs. There's alot of advice saying to find a secure who will meet your needs and that helps you heal. No. I didn't believe that I was a worthy partner yet, and therefore didn't want to unleash any of my nonsense on any one else. My current partner is a self-declared, self-aware exDA and he's committed to making changes for himself even before we met, so this has been a very healing relationship because he understands my experience deeply but from a very different angle, yet does not blame me for my APness. By our second or third date, I was absolutely clear on my dating rules. it probably came across as very harsh but i didn't really care either e.g., I don't tolerate hot and cold - once it goes cold, i'm out. I'm dating for marriage and potentially kids - if that was not in his plans, then i'm out regardless of how great the chemistry/sex was. I expect authenticity and consistency - do only what you can do sustainably in the long run. if that means texting once a day, do that, and it is my decision if that is enough for me (it was). I accepted that my sanity relied on consistency in attitude, not just behaviors, and it was also the promise I made to myself for myself and for future partners, to be as consistent as possible even during times of distress. @sherry I agree with you it's not unique to AP. I said this before elsewhere but it was not a popular opinion! what i do think differ is the process of getting there - for me, discussing and verbalizing the process is important. it gives life to my reality and makes it concrete - an AP's reality is often confusing and abstract and fantastical/fantasy-like. I think for DAs it was simply reaching a conclusion/solution, and then executing strategies - this was how I dealt with my mother. but for my romantic relationships it's very different.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 15, 2019 4:21:24 GMT
Note that i had absolutely no interest in getting into another relationship, secure or not, to meet my needs. There's alot of advice saying to find a secure who will meet your needs and that helps you heal. No. I didn't believe that I was a worthy partner yet, and therefore didn't want to unleash any of my nonsense on any one else. Just wanted to heartily second this. I've mentioned it before, but finding a secure partner can lead to becoming securely attached to that partner without healing your primary insecure attachment style at all. Doing independent work, whether in a relationship or not, is key to healing and earning secure (if that's what you want). It's possible you'll learn a lot from a partner, which will aid in understanding yourself, but ultimately it's not what will heal insecure attachment. Only facing yourself and doing the work will do that.
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Post by anne12 on Jun 15, 2019 18:34:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2019 18:50:34 GMT
There is an important facet to this with DA women trying to have a sexual relationship with anxious men. Forgive me for saying how this is, but it is universally true with every single DA woman I know. A grown woman desires a sexual relationship with a grown man. An anxious man exhibits a child like neediness that is very difficult to reconcile with his adult male anatomy. Men are very visual, and may be able to overcome the dependency and neediness factor in bed with a woman. Likely, a DA woman cannot. Not easily. She will avoid encounters instead of try.
It is essential to work with your adult masculinity. This is not to counteract a Feminine vibe. It is to eliminate a needy child vibe. We do not want to be mommies and rescuers to the man we love.
I am sharing this with a positive intent although I know it will possibly offend. However, it is better to hear it perhaps from a random on the internet than from some woman you encounter IRL.
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Post by toorational on Jun 16, 2019 0:41:36 GMT
This thread keeps on giving. I'm learning so much, you guys are amazing. @shiningstar Thanks for the details about your journey. You seemed to have reached a tipping point somehow at some point where you were able to free yourself from AP behaviors. I hope that I can reach that point some day. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a true AP or if I was driven in AP territory because of my gf DA behaviors. The first year together was pure bliss. No AP-DA dance whatsoever. But when the honeymoon phase started to fade, that's when she started distancing herself sometimes and started acting DA, which triggered me. I guess that if I was secure I would not have worried so much so I'm probably AP after all. anne12 Thanks for pointing me to that podcast, it seems like a great ressource. I have found tens of other interesting episodes which I will listen to eventually. In that particular episode, my understanding is that actually using the word "I need" puts pressure on your partner and is best avoided but expressing one's needs is not necessarily a bad thing. I have noticed other episodes about expressing needs so I'll listen to those. @sherry I'm not offended in the least. I like hearing the hard truth and I'm sure that you're right. It's quite useful to get your point of view since you're a DA. I'm sure you can relate to my gf very well. Yes, any anxious behavior on my part is not manly and is a very big turn off for my girlfriend. She has told me several times. It's actually pretty clear to me that if I keep acting needy and anxious, her love for me will fade away. It has probably started already. So asking for yet more of my needs to be fulfilled is clearly not the answer. That will eventually push her away. I have started reading anne's thread about healing DA attachment. Interesting stuff. It fits my girlfriend quite well. But I don't think that she sees any need for her to "heal" anything. She's proud of her independance and her upbringing. Just one quick anecdote about her mother that says a lot I think. When she was young, if she or her sisters started doing some dangerous stuff, her mom would say something like "I'll hit the first one who hurts themselves and cry". In other words, don't count on me to soothe you if you get hurt. What you're doing is dangerous and you're on your own. You've been warned. My gf is proud when retelling this story, as if this is proving that she wasn't raised in an overprotecting household (quite the opposite) and that made her tough. So the overwhelming advice here is that I need to learn how to become secure and sooth myself *without* burdoning my partner with the task of "saving" me from AP behavior. I need to do this myself. I think that I'm slowly on the right path. For example, yesterday my gf proposed that we have diner tonight together with the kids and my parents, to celebrate father's day. I was a bit tired and kinda felt like spending a chill night with my kids for pizza night and a movie. So that's what I did in the end with them and we had a great time. I could have seen my girlfriend tonight and she would have possibly spent the night over but I chose not to see her. This was absolutely not retaliation of any kind. It was simply me taking care of myself (without my gf help). I need to do this more.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 16, 2019 13:28:39 GMT
So the overwhelming advice here is that I need to learn how to become secure and sooth myself *without* burdoning my partner with the task of "saving" me from AP behavior. I need to do this myself. Absolutely. A core AP problem is an inability to self-regulate emotionally, and usually an accompanying belief that this is normal. Often it stems from a childhood full of examples of others expecting the same (ie the parent doesn't regulate the child and instead expects the child to parent the parent, and/or the child consistently gets blamed for "making" another family member feel a certain way, and/or due to the primary caretaker(s) inconsistently meeting the needs of the child, the child starts to think they can pick the right sets of actions to control the emotions and actions of others and that others can do the same for them). It is perfectly normal for an AP to expect and seek external regulation (one of the reasons an AP seeks reconnection to sooth being triggered), but it's actually not normal for people in general and is a coping mechanism that's part of the attachment trauma that caused the AP style to develop. Working on building self-esteem, self-acceptance, and emotional self-regulation are important steps in the healing process. Your partner can't do that for you, though you can look to healthy / secure partners, friends, etc. for examples of what this looks like if you didn't have those examples in your own past to learn from.
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Post by toorational on Jun 17, 2019 20:06:56 GMT
Thanks alexandra.
A quick update. We haven't spent much time together in the past week. Tomorrow night we're having a surprise night that my gf planned for my birthday (which was 2 months ago already). We will probably get to talk, at the very least on the ride in the car there and back. I know I need to mainly work on myself and learn to self-soothe but it's going to be very hard for me not to bring up that there's something that feels amiss between us lately. I don't see how I can avoid bringing up the complete lack of ILYs lately and how this distance and inconsistency is making me feel. I'm up for doing most of the "personal growth" work but I kinda need a bit of support. I want to give her as much space as she needs, I won't pressure her for sex and I will control any protest behaviors I might have. But I don't think I can do this 100% alone.
It might help me to know why she's withholding ILYs lately. Perhaps it's truly because she no longer loves me, in which case it's pretty much game over. But I prefer to think that she's simply protecting herself at this point. Not really knowing whether or not I truly can fight these AP tendencies and hesitating to fully reinvest herself in this relationship. Maybe she's confused and doesn't really know why herself.
But I get conflicting signals. She came over last night for a friendly diner with my parents. She straightened her hair and she knows I love that. We had a brief walk to my backyard and she held my hand on the way there. She called me this morning and again at lunch time. Platonic conversations but still. It feels like she's making an effort to reconnect but somehow something inside of her is keeping her guard up. It's so hard to read her because she won't share her feelings easily.
I feel like the next several days could make it or break it. I need to regain her trust somehow. Maybe avoiding the subject altogether could be the best course of action but I don't see how burying problems under a rug is the right attitude on which to build a long and lasting relationship.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2019 22:22:11 GMT
Thanks alexandra. A quick update. We haven't spent much time together in the past week. Tomorrow night we're having a surprise night that my gf planned for my birthday (which was 2 months ago already). We will probably get to talk, at the very least on the ride in the car there and back. I know I need to mainly work on myself and learn to self-soothe but it's going to be very hard for me not to bring up that there's something that feels amiss between us lately. I don't see how I can avoid bringing up the complete lack of ILYs lately and how this distance and inconsistency is making me feel. I'm up for doing most of the "personal growth" work but I kinda need a bit of support. I want to give her as much space as she needs, I won't pressure her for sex and I will control any protest behaviors I might have. But I don't think I can do this 100% alone. It might help me to know why she's withholding ILYs lately. Perhaps it's truly because she no longer loves me, in which case it's pretty much game over. But I prefer to think that she's simply protecting herself at this point. Not really knowing whether or not I truly can fight these AP tendencies and hesitating to fully reinvest herself in this relationship. Maybe she's confused and doesn't really know why herself. But I get conflicting signals. She came over last night for a friendly diner with my parents. She straightened her hair and she knows I love that. We had a brief walk to my backyard and she held my hand on the way there. She called me this morning and again at lunch time. Platonic conversations but still. It feels like she's making an effort to reconnect but somehow something inside of her is keeping her guard up. It's so hard to read her because she won't share her feelings easily. I feel like the next several days could make it or break it. I need to regain her trust somehow. Maybe avoiding the subject altogether could be the best course of action but I don't see how burying problems under a rug is the right attitude on which to build a long and lasting relationship. Holy Cow. She planned a surprise, holding hands, calling you, (twice today) and you want to have a "talk" on the way to the event she planned for you about the ILY's. She's under the microscope because you analyze every freaking thing down to how she does her hair. Show her your true self and let her decide. I had an ex that was like this and eventually I just became disgusted and left because of the constant neediness and second guessing and analyzing and "talks". He couldn't just live and let live, not question everything (me) constantly, and ruined so many things I tried to do for him. Just speak your mind and let her know what really goes on in your insecure head if she doesn't know already. I'm sure this is why you don't get your demands met. No DA is going to people please that much. Why should she say it? You don't believe what she DOES. Go ahead. Start complaining on the way to the even she planned for you. Classic!!
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Post by toorational on Jun 17, 2019 23:15:50 GMT
Thanks for the hard truth sherry, that's what I needed to hear. As you said, better than from an anonymous person on the internet than IRL. Just for the record, she planned that evening two months ago when our relationship was better. I don't get what's wrong with noticing her hair though. Aren't women usually complaining about the opposite, guys not noticing their hair/makeup/outfits?
Yes, I guess that I'm currently blind to her affectionate gestures and focus too much on words. As I previously said, words of affection is my primary love language. I'll try to focus on other ways she's affectionate and focus on having a good time tomorrow. Thanks for letting me voice my thoughts here instead of to my girlfriend. This is helpful.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2019 23:24:36 GMT
Thanks for the hard truth sherry, that's what I needed to hear. As you said, better than from an anonymous person on the internet than IRL. Just for the record, she planned that evening two months ago when our relationship was better. I don't get what's wrong with noticing her hair though. Aren't women usually complaining about the opposite, guys not noticing their hair/makeup/outfits? Yes, I guess that I'm currently blind to her affectionate gestures and focus too much on words. As I previously said, words of affection is my primary love language. I'll try to focus on other ways she's affectionate and focus on having a good time tomorrow. Thanks for letting me voice my thoughts here instead of to my girlfriend. This is helpful. It's no problem; I have to admit your thinking and behaviors seems extremely destructive to a relationship and uojcould stand to stop thinking about yourself and your insecurity/happiness so much. Try to make her happy without having everything revolve around you. You can say she planned this when your relationship was better , blah blah blah you're just talking AP rumination. And, notice her hair and how beautiful she made it , how beautiful she is, without tying it into a monologue about how your needs aren't met. That's the kind of appreciation that a woman wants, not all this negativity! You will surely lose her if this keeps up but I'm not saying that would be a bad thing. Two different planets. Your way of thinking is absolutely absurd to a DA. And obviously the same is true in reverse. Best of luck! This is why avoidants leave and AP are unhappy every moment till they do. This is The Trap. Horrible for both people.
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Post by happyidiot on Jun 18, 2019 1:15:03 GMT
toorational I would advise caution against the idea of initiating a talk about how you think she hasn't been say I love you as often as she used to. What kind of results do you expect out of that? For her to start saying it all the time? That seems highly unlikely and even then you might think, "She's probably just doing this because I brought it up, how can I trust she really feels it and wants to say it?" Do you think that she will even admit, let alone explain, the decrease in I love yous? Sometimes it's good to soothe our anxious thoughts ourselves if no good can possibly come from bringing them up. I'm not talking about stuffing down your needs, all insecures do need to get better at talking openly and directly about things, but I just think there are better solutions to certain worries than expressing them in an anxious "Why don't you say you love me as much anymore?" way, which is unlikely to have productive results. What about considering the positive stuff? What are the other ways she shows her love? I realized that my boyfriend thinks that spending time with me, spending money on doing things with me, and helping me are very clear ways of showing he is in love with and devoted to me, and somehow they weren't that clear to me. What are your girlfriend's love languages, do you know? Have you been saying I love you to her less? Can you show gratitude for the things she does do and encourage her to do more of them? When she does say I love you, can you tell her how much you love hearing that?
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Post by toorational on Jun 18, 2019 2:19:21 GMT
happyidiot, yes, I won't bring up the ILYs after all. You guys changed my mind. I recognize that she has disconnected somewhat and I need to give her time and space to reconnect. Confronting her about it is not gonna help as you say.
To answer some of your questions, yes I know my gf love languages, we both took the test. We share physical contact as #2 but her #1 is acts of service. I do lots of that for her and she appreciates it a lot.
Yes, I have been saying ILY less. In fact I stopped saying it completely in the last two days because every time I say it and she doesn't, it stings. So I guess I stopped as a defense mechanism. I also don't want to put pressure on her to say it back when I do say it.
Yes I'll focus on identifying and showing gratitute for the other ways she shows her love. Good advice. Thanks.
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 18, 2019 5:22:53 GMT
toorational i'm fairly new to attachment theory, but from my own recent experience I would hold off on mentioning how you feel about her not saying ILY. i can feel the anxiety coming thru on your posts. I also feel that you maybe fearful of her pulling away because she isnt saying ily. If she's contacting you and making effort i would backburner the deep conversation . enjoy your time with her, keep it light and carefree and continue practicing self soothing don't add more heaviness or complexity to it right now I pushed my DA before i knew about attachment theory just when he was starting to reply to my texts after i expressed how his sudden lack of replies made me feel. We are now no contact which was his decision ..I see now how my AP was triggered and just how dysfunctional it all was...somehow we stopped just being with each other and it got so heavy.
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Post by happyidiot on Jun 18, 2019 5:36:34 GMT
toorational So when you have a mismatch in love languages you can assume that your partner might be showing you their love in their own language. It's not just the way they feel loved, but it's often the way they show love. Because it would mean a lot to them they may assume it will make you feel loved too. And they might forget to show their love in a language they don't really speak, even if you told them once that you liked it. It might even feel awkward to them. The fact that you've been acting different toward her too by not telling her you love her is something that I can totally relate to. I don't know what to do about that, it feels like a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. On the one hand, I know it feels terrible to not hear it back and so you become too frightened of what feels like rejection. On the other hand, she could very well be misinterpreting your behavior and not realize you are only pulling back because you perceive her as pulling back. I'm not sure, maybe a DA wouldn't take it that way, but I have as an FA. Here's an example. Recently I thought my partner (undetermined attachment style but mostly seems to act AP in our relationship so far) didn't want to see me as much and was acting weird until he finally complained that I wasn't inviting him to things. I was like, dude, you haven't been inviting me to things at all and did you forget that I invited you to something just yesterday and you had other plans? It was like he somehow got worried I didn't want to spend as much time with him and therefore didn't love him, so he quit initiating plans (when historically he was the one who initiated more) and then he could only see things that confirmed that, and it probably would have taken me enthusiastically asking him to do stuff every day to convince him I wasn't. Meanwhile I wasn't initiating because I was just waiting for him to and I didn't want to increase my initiating while he was withdrawing and feel rejected or like he was only making plans because I initiated. Anyway, I don't usually get too freaked out when he acts a bit AP in this way, so we were able to talk about it and I just reassured him I do still want to see him often, and it seems resolved. But I'm very self-aware and very aware of attachment theory and trying very hard to be more secure. I still would've preferred if he soothed himself and gave me the benefit of the doubt and just acted consistent and kept asking me to do things like normal in a no pressure way. But the shoe has been on the other foot, I've been triggered anxious and realized that when I felt like someone was pulling back in some way, decreasing a behavior that I feel like I need in order to feel loved, I have been so terrified of rejection that I started treating them differently and just hoped inside that they would start doing the thing I want. So, I get it.
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Post by maryt on Jun 18, 2019 10:35:25 GMT
I completely agree with @sherry about the hyper focus on the need for your gf to say the words ILY. I’m earning secure AP and my bf is DA/FA. He has a hard time expressing his feelings, so even though I’m comfortable telling him I love him, I know its a rarity for him to say it and don’t expect it in return. But that’s ok. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t. He’s extremely affectionate and shows me he does in all kinds of ways...one simply being his ongoing efforts to keep trying with our relationship and getting comfortable with letting me in more and more, when that’s not been possible for him in the past (until very recently verbally being able to even commit to the future was close to impossible for him). As an AP you need to be open to understanding that if you want to continue a relationship with a DA, oftentimes you may need to pause before you react and be mindful of why you’re saying or acting in certain ways. Are you looking for her reaction or response to soothe your anxiety? You may not even realize you’re doing so. Understand that having a talk may help you relax, but is probably having the complete opposite effect on her. The single, most important piece of advice I can offer to you that took me a long time to understand, is that the level of anxiety you feel when your gf distances a bit (or what you perceive as distancing...her not saying ILY as frequently) is the exact same amount of anxiety that she probably feels when you attempt to get closer. I know that now and regularly offer my bf time to himself because I know that’s what he needs...and it has absolutely nothing to do with his feelings for me (same as his not replying ILY all the time. As a matter of fact, I’m sure me saying it frequently probably makes him crazy sometimes 😊). Your gf may need you to behave or reciprocate in ways that feel completely counterintuitive to you. And she’ll need to understand the same for you. You need to find common ground and how best to meet in the middle so you’re both feeling content and settled. It’s all part of learning about, respecting and supporting each others very different needs. This doesn’t happen overnight. For us it’s been over five years in the making. It’s been a long road, but we have taken the time to understand and accept our differences with love. Patience is key....and patience isn’t always easy for us APs. Hope this helps a bit.
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