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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2019 11:54:05 GMT
It's GRATING to hear "I Love You" from someone who behaves this way!!! We aren't stupid. How about you say "I'm so insecure because I haven't addressed my abandonment issues and I am totally expecting you to do what I want to show me you love me the way I want you to and nothing you do with authenticity is going to be enough because I am AP and it's my way or no way and I can get inside your head and determine what you think and feel because I am so in tune with everything but my self and my abandonment issues I am putting that all on you fix me mommy give me what I want!!!!! " All in one breath.
This is not what adult women look for in relationships. Not DA anyway. It's not love. It's NEED. Its INSECURITY. SHE KNOWS THIS. I knew it long before I ever found Attachment Theory.
Needy is needy and people know about it. It's not love. It's SELFISH.
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Post by toorational on Jun 18, 2019 13:20:37 GMT
Thanks everyone. I get the message loud and clear. I shouldn't obsess over ILYs. Let me just clarify something again. What I have a problem with is not the low frequency of ILYs from her, it's the inconsistency. As I said previously, we had a good 2 months stretch not far back where she would say ILY 2-3 times per day. It was genuine, not forced. To the point where, believe it or not, it made me uncomfortable sometimes when she would say ILY like 4-5 times in a row. She's very expressive and she would get these ILY outbursts sometimes after a great moment, let's say after a very satisfying sex session. So the change is quite drastic.
The other reason why this sudden decrease is triggering for me is that last summer the same thing happened. ILYs became few a far between and she grew very distant. As I mentioned, it turns out that it was because her thyroid medication was off. But during these 2-3 months, I truly feared for our relationship.
So I assume (perhaps wrongly but I think not) that when she says ILY less, it's a sign that something is wrong. Like a canary in a mine. Of course something is wrong I hear you say, you've been triggering her non-stop with your AP behavior. Right. So I'll heed your advice and try to enjoy my time with her tonight and not reminisce about past behavior.
@sherry, I feel your frustration with your portrayal of my inner dialogue. This is useful because this is probably similar to the frustration that my gf feels. This inner dialogue would probably be true for an AP far on the AP spectrum. You might disagree but I don't think that I'm as desperate a case. The first year with my gf was absolutely blissful, with no AP-DA dance whatsoever. This is why I'm hopeful for the future even though AP-DA relationships are hard. I have AP tendencies but not that far on the scale. She has DA tendencies but not that far on the scale either. We managed to make it work at some point, now that we're aware of our challenges, I believe we can make it work again. It's worth to try anyway.
Perhaps I'm totally wrong and I'm a hopeless AP. If that's the case, then there's no way in hell a relationship with a DA will work. Time will tell I guess but I choose to be hopeful.
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Post by anne12 on Jun 18, 2019 13:52:23 GMT
The honeymoon face could Be over for her. And then your lovelife chances. Also the attatchmentsystem often kicks in after 1-2 years and the attatchment patterns shows Up when not being on "drugs" anymore.
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hola
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Post by hola on Jun 18, 2019 22:04:42 GMT
So in reading toorational's posts, what would you say his love language is? What would his GF's be? perhaps understanding this will help
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2019 1:24:29 GMT
So in reading toorational's posts, what would you say his love language is? What would his GF's be? perhaps understanding this will help This has been stated outright a number of times, by OP.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2019 2:17:13 GMT
Thanks everyone. I get the message loud and clear. I shouldn't obsess over ILYs. Let me just clarify something again. What I have a problem with is not the low frequency of ILYs from her, it's the inconsistency. As I said previously, we had a good 2 months stretch not far back where she would say ILY 2-3 times per day. It was genuine, not forced. To the point where, believe it or not, it made me uncomfortable sometimes when she would say ILY like 4-5 times in a row. She's very expressive and she would get these ILY outbursts sometimes after a great moment, let's say after a very satisfying sex session. So the change is quite drastic. The other reason why this sudden decrease is triggering for me is that last summer the same thing happened. ILYs became few a far between and she grew very distant. As I mentioned, it turns out that it was because her thyroid medication was off. But during these 2-3 months, I truly feared for our relationship. So I assume (perhaps wrongly but I think not) that when she says ILY less, it's a sign that something is wrong. Like a canary in a mine. Of course something is wrong I hear you say, you've been triggering her non-stop with your AP behavior. Right. So I'll heed your advice and try to enjoy my time with her tonight and not reminisce about past behavior. @sherry , I feel your frustration with your portrayal of my inner dialogue. This is useful because this is probably similar to the frustration that my gf feels. This inner dialogue would probably be true for an AP far on the AP spectrum. You might disagree but I don't think that I'm as desperate a case. The first year with my gf was absolutely blissful, with no AP-DA dance whatsoever. This is why I'm hopeful for the future even though AP-DA relationships are hard. I have AP tendencies but not that far on the scale. She has DA tendencies but not that far on the scale either. We managed to make it work at some point, now that we're aware of our challenges, I believe we can make it work again. It's worth to try anyway. Perhaps I'm totally wrong and I'm a hopeless AP. If that's the case, then there's no way in hell a relationship with a DA will work. Time will tell I guess but I choose to be hopeful. i think it's quite interesting that OP (and APs in general) is looking at inconsistency as a broader abstract concept, and ILYs are an expression of that, while others are focused on the "ILYs" and a problem in itself as a demonstration of anxiety and insecurity -- there's a real difference in what is perceived as a trigger for anxiety. From what I read, DAs seem to see that a lack of demonstration is what triggers the anxiety and get upset at being demanded to demonstrate -- which is very legit, and completely understandable. On the other hand, APs are constantly harping on these behaviors, but what they're really trying to get at is the felt inconsistency in the dynamics and undercurrents, through using these behaviors as examples. Again, there can be an analysis of childhood patterns and sense making, but that's beyond the point here. I really don't think it's the behaviors itself that matters, though when caught up in the moment, APs focus so much on the details that it seems all they want is behaviors on demand and on their terms to the exclusion of treating the partner as an individual. toorational. i agree with you that I don't think you're that extreme, but this is certainly a case of APness. all I can say is that consistency seems to matter alot to you - perhaps in attitude, behavior, and feelings, or in other things. I think the way forward is to examine your assumptions, needs, wants, and expectations in what consistency is and what you need consistent in your life/rships, as a much more general abstract question for yourself so that you are clear in your own heart what you need from a romantic partner for your own happiness. there is that conversation for yourself, and then there are conversations to be had with her, and those two are really separate. @sherry is right in highlighting how it may come out if these conversations are all intertwined, but I think that goes for everyone, not just APs.
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Post by happyidiot on Jun 19, 2019 4:08:44 GMT
i think it's quite interesting that OP (and APs in general) is looking at inconsistency as a broader abstract concept, and ILYs are an expression of that, while others are focused on the "ILYs" and a problem in itself as a demonstration of anxiety and insecurity -- there's a real difference in what is perceived as a trigger for anxiety. From what I read, DAs seem to see that a lack of demonstration is what triggers the anxiety and get upset at being demanded to demonstrate -- which is very legit, and completely understandable. On the other hand, APs are constantly harping on these behaviors, but what they're really trying to get at is the felt inconsistency in the dynamics and undercurrents, through using these behaviors as examples. Again, there can be an analysis of childhood patterns and sense making, but that's beyond the point here. I really don't think it's the behaviors itself that matters, though when caught up in the moment, APs focus so much on the details that it seems all they want is behaviors on demand and on their terms to the exclusion of treating the partner as an individual. toorational . i agree with you that I don't think you're that extreme, but this is certainly a case of APness. all I can say is that consistency seems to matter alot to you - perhaps in attitude, behavior, and feelings, or in other things. I think the way forward is to examine your assumptions, needs, wants, and expectations in what consistency is and what you need consistent in your life/rships, as a much more general abstract question for yourself so that you are clear in your own heart what you need from a romantic partner for your own happiness. there is that conversation for yourself, and then there are conversations to be had with her, and those two are really separate. @sherry is right in highlighting how it may come out if these conversations are all intertwined, but I think that goes for everyone, not just APs. Inconsistency kills me (FA). That's truly the crux. Inconsistency. I doubt any insecure handles inconsistency super well, I dunno, are DAs fine with it? It's not that I need someone to tell me they love me 10 times a day, or have sex with me every day, or reply to all my texts within an hour, but that I get anxious when they go from saying they love me 10 times a day to once a week, or from initiating sex every day to once a week and only when I initiate it, or from replying to all my texts within an hour to suddenly not replying for a day+ without explanation. These kinds of things dropping off have in the past preceded partners leaving me, so it makes sense that I would worry these changes are signs that someone is losing interest. The thing is, worrying so much about it is often counterproductive. And total consistency is impossible. Most people start to take their partners for granted over time and not feel the need to do as many of the things they may have in the early days. And sometimes the inconsistency is mainly due to things that are nothing to do with the relationship. It's usually only early on when they are fueled by hormones and happy chemicals that most people ignore things like illness, tiredness, stress etc because they are so excited to be with their partner. You make a good suggestion to examine one's assumptions, desires, and expectations surrounding what consistency is and what things one needs to be consistent. That's a tough one. Maybe we might find that a good goal is to become more ok with inconsistency and uncertainty? To be able to self-regulate.
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andy
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Post by andy on Jun 19, 2019 4:20:36 GMT
Hmm, I don't entirely agree with everybody who thinks it's best not to voice any concerns. My MO as an AP was to regard my feelings and needs as illegitimate and keep quiet about them until they got to be impossible to contain, at which point I blindsided my partner by voicing my (by that time pretty big) concerns. I don't think that's a healthy way to relate.
One of the things that bothered me in that relationship was my partner's slow response times to texts (like multi-day intervals sometimes), and I thought to myself, "Ah that's so petty, I can't possibly bring that up, I just need to figure out a way to stop caring about it." But actually in retrospect I think it would have been helpful and appropriate to bring it up in a low-key and neutral way, like "Hey, I notice that you and I have different texting styles, and sometimes you respond to a text after three days, whereas I respond on the same day. Sometimes I wonder and worry whether something is up. I don't know how to interpret it - can you shed light on this?" A key thing to work on (for MY style of AP, anyway) is to raise concerns as they come up, in a way that is collaborative and not presumptuous. So I don't think it would be so unreasonable for OP to make an observation about frequency of ILYs and say, "Have you noticed this too? I'm curious what it means to you, if anything," then take the answer at face value.
And I also think it would be appropriate to make a request, though it is true that asking straight-out for more ILYs is super vulnerable (but not necessarily in a bad way IMO - I think that's far better than trying to get more ILYs through some kind of scheming or hinting). And I think it is super mature and powerful to ask for what you want - not demand it, but ask for it, and be prepared for whatever answer you get. Personally if my current partner asked me to say ILY more often (in a non-accusatory way), I would be pleased they were so forthright and would happily increase my ILYs, and many others would do the same. Maybe the key is not to make assumptions about your partner ("You are saying ILY less than before and I think that means X, Y and Z about you and our relationship") but instead simply ask for what you want ("You know, I love hearing 'ILY' from you and miss the days when you used to say it a lot. I would be into hearing it more. Would you be into that?")
I don't think it's good to hide ourselves from our partners, though we are flawed and have our insecurities. If they can't handle our real selves, we want to learn that, I think, so that each party can make an informed decision about whether the fit is right (as scary as that is). I don't think we come to a greater acceptance of ourselves by stuffing ourselves down, and I don't think we get closer to our partners by pretending not to care about things we really do care about, or pretending not to have feelings we really do have. I think that our anxiety only gets worse when we treat it as a big shameful secret. By putting things out on the table, we do run the risk that we will trigger the end of the relationship, but only if it was not really a workable relationship to begin with. Maybe we should try to regard that as an opportunity for necessary learning.
Maybe the above advice only applies to mild APs, or to requests and feelings that are fairly understandable from a mainstream/common-sense standpoint. I guess a high degree of anxiety over tiny things that most outsiders would view as nothing to worry about is best processed solo or with friends or a counsellor, but in that case I think it's still good to let a partner know in general terms that this kind of anxiety is an issue (without making them responsible for it). It is best not to hide big challenging feelings about the relationship. That's my philosophy, anyway.
Mind you, I agree with others that it's good to pay attention to the appropriateness of the context for discussing such things - and not raise them while on the way to a celebration organized by one's partner, for example. And I agree that appreciation is powerful, and can be extremely important to cultivate.
All the best to you!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2019 5:26:21 GMT
i think it's quite interesting that OP (and APs in general) is looking at inconsistency as a broader abstract concept, and ILYs are an expression of that, while others are focused on the "ILYs" and a problem in itself as a demonstration of anxiety and insecurity -- there's a real difference in what is perceived as a trigger for anxiety. From what I read, DAs seem to see that a lack of demonstration is what triggers the anxiety and get upset at being demanded to demonstrate -- which is very legit, and completely understandable. On the other hand, APs are constantly harping on these behaviors, but what they're really trying to get at is the felt inconsistency in the dynamics and undercurrents, through using these behaviors as examples. Again, there can be an analysis of childhood patterns and sense making, but that's beyond the point here. I really don't think it's the behaviors itself that matters, though when caught up in the moment, APs focus so much on the details that it seems all they want is behaviors on demand and on their terms to the exclusion of treating the partner as an individual. toorational . i agree with you that I don't think you're that extreme, but this is certainly a case of APness. all I can say is that consistency seems to matter alot to you - perhaps in attitude, behavior, and feelings, or in other things. I think the way forward is to examine your assumptions, needs, wants, and expectations in what consistency is and what you need consistent in your life/rships, as a much more general abstract question for yourself so that you are clear in your own heart what you need from a romantic partner for your own happiness. there is that conversation for yourself, and then there are conversations to be had with her, and those two are really separate. @sherry is right in highlighting how it may come out if these conversations are all intertwined, but I think that goes for everyone, not just APs. Inconsistency kills me (FA). That's truly the crux. Inconsistency. I doubt any insecure handles inconsistency super well, I dunno, are DAs fine with it? It's not that I need someone to tell me they love me 10 times a day, or have sex with me every day, or reply to all my texts within an hour, but that I get anxious when they go from saying they love me 10 times a day to once a week, or from initiating sex every day to once a week and only when I initiate it, or from replying to all my texts within an hour to suddenly not replying for a day+ without explanation. These kinds of things dropping off have in the past preceded partners leaving me, so it makes sense that I would worry these changes are signs that someone is losing interest. The thing is, worrying so much about it is often counterproductive. And total consistency is impossible. Most people start to take their partners for granted over time and not feel the need to do as many of the things they may have in the early days. And sometimes the inconsistency is mainly due to things that are nothing to do with the relationship. It's usually only early on when they are fueled by hormones and happy chemicals that most people ignore things like illness, tiredness, stress etc because they are so excited to be with their partner. You make a good suggestion to examine one's assumptions, desires, and expectations surrounding what consistency is and what things one needs to be consistent. That's a tough one. Maybe we might find that a good goal is to become more ok with inconsistency and uncertainty? To be able to self-regulate. I think total consistency is impossible, and also unreasonable. My belief is that it is ok to have some variance/buffer, but yes, sudden and sharp drops/returns are extremely disturbing for insecures (and maybe just disturbing and annoying for secures?). If I'm speaking from my DA side, what I want is emotional stability in the other person so when I interact, it can be as two individuals. My AP experience was triggered when my ex went from calling and texting me multiple times a day of his own accord and declaring love and asking me to never let him go (first three months), to suddenly telling me one day over text that he'd like to spend less time on the relationship and so he was not going to talk to me for a while (next 3 months), and then suddenly "returning" to the relationship with full force without ever acknowledging or sense making the ups/downs of the relationship. This is extremely hurtful and triggering for APs who grew up never knowing when he/she is going to get warmth or cold from someone who (1) they love and (2) professes to love them but inconsistently so. by the time he came back, i had already assumed he was leaving me and had emotionally prepared myself for a breakup. It was very traumatic and confusing to deal with the inconsistency in dynamics. I stayed on because he said he has no idea what I was talking about and he didn't leave the relationship, and explained it away all very logically and that it was me who over thought things. I believed him and had to work through all the emotions myself to try to get back into the relationship, but from that point on, I was hyper alert towards any signs that can signal the start of the "cold" phase. This was not only in desperate attempt to keep the relationship together, but also to try to prevent the emotional trauma from occurring again. this led to me scrutinizing every single interaction - because I was so blindsided before, I needed to figure out what was his pattern so I can psychologically prepare myself for it. In hindsight, it's very silly to have done that - recognizing this, however, is a starting point for healing. I understand and accept variance and inconsistency, and I fully accept and acknowledge how annoying APs can get, but unaware-DAs have a tendency to explain away unpredictable changes as reasonable inconsistency, and not take responsibility for how their own actions, which are made in a very logical and rational, can be damaging for a relationship because the logic and rationale for choosing and explaining actions in a relationship are not nec. the same as those when made alone. For anyone to want to be in a relationship and receive its benefits, without conforming to the interdependent nature and accommodating the needs of a dyad (not even the needs of another partner, much less the needs of an AP partner), and blaming the other party's reactions as only being insecure, is simply irresponsible and unempathetic. Just as irresponsible as an AP is when he/she wants the partner to soothe all the anxieties by performing very specific behaviors to the exclusion of their well-being and individuality, as though the other party is just a doll being manipulated to suit only one person's needs. My view on this is still evolving, but the current take I have is this: I am not ok with inconsistency from another person and from myself. I believe that there's a normal variance that is reasonable for all human beings (and if you don't know if yours is reasonable, ask everyone around you and take the average) which i can tolerate, but anything that is sudden, abrupt, disruptive and unexplained - I will not tolerate. I also hold myself to these standards i.e., I will not make unpredictable movements in my relationship such as protest behaviors that I used to make to see what reactions I'll get, and seek to communicate in a predictable fashion e.g., I initiate difficult conversations in an almost clinical/scientific manner, I explain my feelings, I state upfront my expectations and requirements, I regularly communicate my approach and perspective to things in everyday conversation (so that people don't get surprised by sudden rules). I try very hard to be a secure and stable person FOR MYSELF, and through that, for the other person. in return, I also wish my partner will do the same for me. I have no interest in tolerating inconsistency from people who introduce unpredictability but take no responsibility for it. If it was communicated early and sufficiently to me that sometimes he/she might disappear for a bit because he/she is overwhelmed, and need that space to just keep it together, and what will happen after that, I'm fine with it. Then, in this case, my job is to learn how to self-regulate and self-soothe in such situations. But it is not my business nor responsibility to keep in my life people who are unpredictable and not held accountable for that - I don't need to self soothe for such unpredictability, I just don't need that in my life. However, I am ok with uncertainty in the broad sense - any relationship is uncertain, you don't know how it will evolve and where it'll take you, and that's just life and a process to be managed between the two of you. Underlying the themes of inconsistency and uncertainty is the willingness and ability to engage yourself and other parties in difficult conversations without being driven by fear. if that is not something I and/or the other party can or are willing to try, then I don't even bother keeping or protecting that relationship because all it means is that it's insecure on some level that cannot be addressed with effort. This way, I don't have to worry about managing (high levels of) inconsistency and insecurity in a relationship - I don't have that relationship that triggers the need for me to self-regulate so hard in order to keep the relationship. Personally, I don't have problems self-regulating in the context of other relationships, but outliers exist. and sufficient numbers of outliers exist to highlight that I have a problem not in self-soothing/self-regulating, but in choosing triggering relationships and fighting to keep them - these are signs I have deeper issues around boundaries, choice, and unavailability, rather that a simple surface conclusion that I need to cope better with life. For some people, I think the ability to self-regulate needs to be prioritized because they don't have any skills to cope with any sort of variation at all. that's my honest opinion. With respect to what you said happyidiot about the inconsistency that is manifested because of happy hormones and just overall the rush of the relationship, that I have taken very seriously since then. One part of why it was so traumatic for me was because I had gone into the rship heart and soul and therefore allowed for that honeymoon to be so intense and for myself to believe it as a reflection of the intensity of our feelings and commitment for each other. In my current relationship, I am not letting myself nor the relationship to have this intense happy period too early because i wanted clarity in who and what i'm dealing with. I wanted sustainability and consistency, and communicated very clearly that whatever he is doing in terms of interactions and commitment and interest need to be something that he can engage in naturally and sustainably. that said, now that the relationship is stable and seems to be progressing, I think things are becoming slightly more emotionally charged on both sides, so... we'll see what happens. I haven't gone there yet my tune might change!
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Post by happyidiot on Jun 19, 2019 6:09:55 GMT
Thanks @shiningstar, that is all very helpful. What do you do when it's too late and you may have already indulged in the most intense honeymoon of your life and now it seems like it's ending? I honestly have no idea what is common as far as things like, say, frequency of sex, as I hadn't been in a serious long-term committed relationship in many years. I can feel myself slipping into AP-ish anxiety, when I was mostly secure with the odd FA panic attack up until very recently in this relationship.
Sorry if I'm derailing the thread.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2019 7:04:36 GMT
Thanks @shiningstar , that is all very helpful. What do you do when it's too late and you may have already indulged in the most intense honeymoon of your life and now it seems like it's ending? I honestly have no idea what is common as far as things like, say, frequency of sex, as I hadn't been in a serious long-term committed relationship in many years. I can feel myself slipping into AP-ish anxiety, when I was mostly secure with the odd FA panic attack up until very recently in this relationship. Sorry if I'm derailing the thread. i don't see it as "it's too late", in fact, i think it's very normal for the honeymoon to end. just a matter of how it ends and what comes next (or if something even comes next). in previous relationships that were secure, the ending of the honeymoon was slow and gradual but it transformed to a more comfortable and stable relationship that was less intense but not necessarily less passionate. if it ends terribly and nothing else comes along, then that is not a rship that is meant to last the distance and that's not a lifetime companion then. it has ran its course. the key thing here is, if you're not stable and secure in yourself (and the other person too), then nothing else can come next. There will be no evolution of the relationship to the next stage, which might very well be a stable and intimate relationship that is not driven by happy hormones. if you do not let it happen while remaining true to yourself, you will not know what the relationship really is and you will prevent it from happening. I think this is where APs and DAs trip up - they're not willing to let the relationship evolve and unfold on its own because they cannot stand to be in themselves by themselves enough to let intimacy build and evolve. so the question will be for you - what are you really afraid of?
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mamut
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Post by mamut on Jun 19, 2019 8:55:40 GMT
happyidiot isn't inconsistency the MO of avoidants? It's as damaging as the neediness of APs. The difference, the way I see it, is that inconsistency tends to come off as independency, when it's not. So when an avoidant reasons their pull backs as something any independent/secure person would do, that's where they're mistaken. A secure person wouldn't pull back. Acting all independent and basically, acting like they really don't need you is based on insecurities. I don't know why though, any input will be appreciated. No one really "needs" another person to survive, life goes on indeed. Love is a basic human need though, and that's why even people sworn single, still get into relationships. The way we handle the love is where everything goes wrong if we have insecure attachment styles. An avoidant is afraid to get close to someone so they tend to label their fear as independency, which is highly appreciated in our time and age. APs on the other hand tend to label their feelings as true love, which is far from the truth, yet portrayed as a typical attitude towards love in many movies we've grown up with. Just some thoughts.
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Post by toorational on Jun 19, 2019 15:55:56 GMT
Thanks again everyone. I hope that this thread has been useful to other people experiencing similar things than me. It sure has helped me a lot. I'll give an update about last night but first let me comment on a few of the last responses. @shiningstar & happyidiot: Thanks for validating that inconsistency is also an issue for you. I really wonder how a secure would have reacted facing similar drastic changes. It's almost impossible for me to fathom that they wouldn't feel some anxiety about the relationship as well. shiningstar, the experience you share about your ex disappearing for 3 months is incredible. I don't know how you managed to take him back (even though it didn't work out in the end). You say that such a drastic change is very triggering for an AP but I'd say it would be upsetting for any normal human being. Being ghosted during 3 months is more than enough cause for breakup in my book, AP or not. andy: Thanks for your differing opinion. I'd say it's pretty close to what I think as well. I don't want to have to hide my feelings and needs from my partner but I also need to bring back these needs to reasonable levels. I don't want to smother her. This is the hardest part for me, knowing whether an expectation or need would be "normal" for a secure or whether it's over the top and needy. Yes, I would prefer to be able to talk openly about all of this but as you say, it's a risk for the relationship since it can be triggering for a DA. Yes, I fully admit that right now my fear of this relationship ending is probably preventing me from being as open as I could with my partner. Hopefully at some point I'll have the courage to act like @shiningstar did, which is to have the courage to openly talk about her needs without fear for the consequences. Basically stop walking on eggshells. So about last night... It was amazing. A nice picnic followed by a stand-up comedy show. No heavy relationship talk. There was good chemistry between us throughout the night, we held hands almost constantly during the show. We laughed a lot and had a good time. I was obviously hoping for sex since it had been a while and the chemistry was good that night. But I really didn't want to put any pressure on her, because this has turned her off in the past and she did not give any clear "go ahead" signals (she rarely does). I'm also trying to let her lead the pace of us reconnecting. This is kinda hard for me to do because I prefer to be forward with my sexual desires but it has bitten me in the past... So anyway, everything just flowed when we got into bed and sex with her when she's turned on is absolutely amazing. I wish that everyone can find a sexually-compatible partner, I never realized how important that is before her. Oh and she did say ILY last night after sex. To be honest I would have been fine with her not saying it because she displayed her love in so many other ways last night. My response to her was "I know, I love you too". I wanted to give her reassurance that I knew she loves me even if she was detached a bit this past week (I made no reference to that though). So yes perhaps I focused too much on ILYs but it was just really an obvious symptom of overall detachment in many other ways. I'm fine if she fills my "love bucket" in other love languages, as long as I feel intimacy. It's just that words for me fill that bucket up quicker than other ways. Someone was curious about my love languages, I might as well give the full test result since the topic came up a few times: 10 Words of Affirmation 9 Physical Touch 7 Quality Time 3 Acts of Service 1 Receiving Gifts Looking forward to this weekend to reconnect. I will try to keep pressure and expectations low while trying to speak her love languages.
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hola
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Post by hola on Jun 20, 2019 17:44:53 GMT
So in reading toorational's posts, what would you say his love language is? What would his GF's be? perhaps understanding this will help This has been stated outright a number of times, by OP. Oops I skipped a couple of pages, thanks
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Post by alexandra on Jul 3, 2019 21:23:13 GMT
With respect to what you said happyidiot about the inconsistency that is manifested because of happy hormones and just overall the rush of the relationship, that I have taken very seriously since then. One part of why it was so traumatic for me was because I had gone into the rship heart and soul and therefore allowed for that honeymoon to be so intense and for myself to believe it as a reflection of the intensity of our feelings and commitment for each other. In my current relationship, I am not letting myself nor the relationship to have this intense happy period too early because i wanted clarity in who and what i'm dealing with. I wanted sustainability and consistency, and communicated very clearly that whatever he is doing in terms of interactions and commitment and interest need to be something that he can engage in naturally and sustainably. that said, now that the relationship is stable and seems to be progressing, I think things are becoming slightly more emotionally charged on both sides, so... we'll see what happens. I haven't gone there yet my tune might change! Just wanted to chime in to say, I love this. I've been doing this too since earning secure, taking things slower and protecting myself emotionally just to create more space for truly just getting to know the person before jumping in (but remaining consistent and emotionally available), and it's made a world of difference. Endings aren't nearly as devastating, and I still look forward to finding someone I'm secure enough with to have a kind of intense delayed honeymoon once I'm more confident that we're both compatible and stable enough that things will evolve to the next stage instead of just ending in trauma and drama (like they always have on both ends when I've broken up with.... mostly dumped... by avoidants, yay).
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