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Post by tnr9 on Jun 18, 2019 10:32:12 GMT
I had a meltdown two nights ago and called her, crying. It resolved nothing, she is just out all night getting drunk because she says she can't sleep and can't stand her emotions right now. I don't understand why this isn't easier for her, shouldn't she be feeling more relief than whatever emotion is driving her right now? Guilt? Pain? She offered to come over that night, I declined. I really don't think repeatedly banging my head against her walls will be helpful. She's not going to say what I want her to say, and even if she does, how could I trust it? Meanwhile, I'm a depressed mess. So....one suggestion is to stop trying to think/talk on her behalf because you don’t have a crystal ball into her thinking and you are making assumptions without fully appreciating that she is a separate autonomous person from you. Perhaps that is what is missing in your relationship....the ability to see her as a separate/autonomous person. I know that it would bother me to no end if my partner made assumptions about how I should act or feel or misinterpreted my actions, statements etc without doing any validation with me whether those assumptions were true or not. In my own life, I have struggled with enmeshment issues with my partners, so it may be something to explore....where do you end, where does your partner begin. As a child, I felt I had to try to be a mind reader of my mom and fixate on every little behavior/emotion and statement in order to avoid receiving negative feedback and blame. I really did not develop any boundaries with her and that bled over into my relationships. I can honestly say, my friendships and even my relationship with my mom have improved as a result of my work to develop an appreciation for self versus other. It may be something you might want to look into.
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 18, 2019 12:17:12 GMT
I deleted offending post, and feel bad for having written it. When I read it back, it definitely came out all wrong. Words of a furious woman scorned, negative stuff spinning through my head, not my truth. My ego is just under the floor right now, so I'm trying to convince myself it's her loss. Really, the loss is mine. Anyway, thanks for your time.
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Post by mrob on Jun 18, 2019 12:25:48 GMT
That’s the problem. Ego. If only half of what you said is true, then that’s a real problem. Using someone else’s perceived undesirability to build your ego is really sick, and she’s far better off on the other side.
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 18, 2019 13:34:52 GMT
She isn't undesirable at all, totally the opposite. I was having an asshat moment.
Anyway, tnr9, I'm thinking about this: "Perhaps that is what is missing in your relationship....the ability to see her as a separate/autonomous person. I know that it would bother me to no end if my partner made assumptions about how I should act or feel or misinterpreted my actions, statements etc without doing any validation with me whether those assumptions were true or not."
I told her often, I found her very difficult to read, her facial expressions don't give much away, and she masks her true feelings with a smile. She didn't like talking about feelings, found it very uncomfortable. I probably got into the bad habit of just trying to connect dots so she could stay...comfortable. Generally, I went by her actions, if she acted loving and happy, I thought she was feeling those things. If she was seeming stone-faced and distant, but she said it wasn't about me, I just tried to believe her. She never told me she was feeling unhappy, she didn't show me she was unhappy, so I never got the chance to try to fix it.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 18, 2019 14:47:02 GMT
She isn't undesirable at all, totally the opposite. I was having an asshat moment. Anyway, tnr9, I'm thinking about this: "Perhaps that is what is missing in your relationship....the ability to see her as a separate/autonomous person. I know that it would bother me to no end if my partner made assumptions about how I should act or feel or misinterpreted my actions, statements etc without doing any validation with me whether those assumptions were true or not." I told her often, I found her very difficult to read, her facial expressions don't give much away, and she masks her true feelings with a smile. She didn't like talking about feelings, found it very uncomfortable. I probably got into the bad habit of just trying to connect dots so she could stay...comfortable. Generally, I went by her actions, if she acted loving and happy, I thought she was feeling those things. If she was seeming stone-faced and distant, but she said it wasn't about me, I just tried to believe her. She never told me she was feeling unhappy, she didn't show me she was unhappy, so I never got the chance to try to fix it. Then perhaps she is not the right partner for you....I can understand the challenge you are facing...it is instinctual to base our thoughts about the relationship on signs from the other person. That was all we had to go on when we were children. If she won’t provide you any verbal feedback that things are not ok...then that provides you with nothing to go by. What has helped me tremendously is to realize that deeply ingrained patterns do not change and basing your relationship on the hope that she will change is going to frustrate you and her. Either you embrace all that she is today (including what you wish would change) or you find someone who can meet your needs without so much frustration. Perhaps a bit of a break is in order so that you can get clear for yourself on what you want/need and whether this relationship meets it..,if not...then let her go in love and open yourself up for a different partner. I wish you well.
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Post by lilyg on Jul 2, 2019 11:46:27 GMT
Stop having ego, it kills relationships. Begin NC, calm yourself and take control of the situation.
You've pushed her away too. It's time for each to focus on the real cycle here and think if you're both willing to put your weight in for each other.
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