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Post by hannah99 on Jul 12, 2019 16:00:59 GMT
He has: waited outside my house at 7am begging to be let in to apologise, written long letters of apology, brought thoughtful gifts, told me he's never been as close to anybody in his life, read into the slightest gestures people have made and convinced himself they hated him, bitten his fingers raw with anxiety, rang and rang and rang until I've answered, made grand gestures, thought he was bad at his job, woke in the middle of the night scared I'm gone, spent four years with me, made future plans.
He has: told me he needs no one, told me he's greatest, the smartest, the best, told me I dont understand him, told me he doesn't love me, told me not to touch him, been cruel and distant during arguments, picked minor faults, ignored me, told me he sees no future with me.
It's almost as though he's been completely DA and also AP at different moments in time. Sometimes within hours, sometimes months.
Is this FA? Or something else?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2019 16:48:52 GMT
Instead of focusing on what he is.
Focus on moving on.
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 12, 2019 16:58:16 GMT
I think it's normal and natural to try to make sense of these things after the fact.
I'm doing a lot to work on myself and don't find your comment very helpful.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2019 17:02:01 GMT
I'm sorry that you dont find my comment helpful and I'm glad that you're working on yourself.
But focusing on the why's and what's. Only he can answer that.
From my own experience, unanswered questions creates more questions and can only make yourself feel worse.
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 12, 2019 17:03:31 GMT
For me, understanding his attachment and the attachment of other exes has helped me.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2019 17:09:00 GMT
Understanding other peoples attatchment styles can only take you so far.
Its helpful to know about them.
But I think working on your own attachment style and trying to understand why you get involved or attracts you other styles especially if they causing you confusion and pain is essential.
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 12, 2019 17:10:57 GMT
Yes I understand that. I can only say what has helped me.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2019 17:49:40 GMT
This behavior you are describing sounds extreme. He may have a disorganized attachment style and he also may have a personality disorder. It's extremely unstable back and forth, and any hope for a solid future with him would be based on unreasonable expectations, I think. So beyond seeing that all that is batshit and over the top, you can see that eventually hebleft yoi for someone else with no warning. More insanity.
I know it is helpful to some degree to see what hit you. But, not everyone would fall prey to all that, not everyone would participate . When I look at things in my own life that way, I become way more interested in finding out why I do what I do, and also what I may be doing to other people.
Unstable is unstable. But that is all OTT in my opinion. It would take a huge amount of denial and a lack of boundaries and clarity to put up with all that and think things could possibly be ok.
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 12, 2019 19:32:11 GMT
He has: waited outside my house at 7am begging to be let in to apologise, written long letters of apology, brought thoughtful gifts, told me he's never been as close to anybody in his life, read into the slightest gestures people have made and convinced himself they hated him, bitten his fingers raw with anxiety, rang and rang and rang until I've answered, made grand gestures, thought he was bad at his job, woke in the middle of the night scared I'm gone, spent four years with me, made future plans. He has: told me he needs no one, told me he's greatest, the smartest, the best, told me I dont understand him, told me he doesn't love me, told me not to touch him, been cruel and distant during arguments, picked minor faults, ignored me, told me he sees no future with me. It's almost as though he's been completely DA and also AP at different moments in time. Sometimes within hours, sometimes months. Is this FA? Or something else? I think when an FA is triggered avoidant they can appear DA. That’s the case with my ex. He’s been acting DA since our break.
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 12, 2019 19:40:16 GMT
I think it's normal and natural to try to make sense of these things after the fact. I'm doing a lot to work on myself and don't find your comment very helpful. hannah99 - I can relate to trying to make sense of things logically in your head. Especially when you believed and actually saw things to be one way and they turned out another. Same happened to me. It’s been a slow road to acceptance because it just doesn’t make any sense. That’s the thing though, we have these old traumas and attachment wounds we bring into our relationships with others- sometimes things won’t ever make sense because we triggered something that we didn’t cause and can’t resolve. It’s hard to wrap one’s mind around it logically. I’ve come to reluctantly accept that no matter the reason my ex isn’t with me- his FA style or he doesn’t want us enough etc the outcome is the same- we’re not together the way we once were. That leaves me with the next step- putting my life back together...and in the future being more careful to guard my heart. You’ll process this in your own time. You’ll come out on the other side eventually but it’s confusing and heart breaking in the meantime. Sorry
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 12, 2019 20:34:40 GMT
Thanks you two. I know you're both right. Very helpful responses. X
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 12, 2019 20:44:50 GMT
Thanks you two. I know you're both right. Very helpful responses. X 💗💐
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Post by serenity on Jul 12, 2019 23:01:01 GMT
Heya Hannah, So sorry you've given your precious heart to someone so confusing, I really know how bad that feels, and how confusing it can be. I have a friend like this too with schizoid PD, where initially I took his romantic interest on face value. Then the `splitting' came and his opposite type of behaviours, like what you described. He came back and dumped me three times in a 6 week period and I felt like I was going to break. Then after his third `return' he discarded me in a cruel way for a month, then came back again. I rescued myself by getting involved in other friends and dating a new guy.
We share a peer group, so over the next 6 months or so we gradually formed a platonic friendship. Its distant in a lot of ways, but close in others. Oddly, if I'm vulnerable and need emotional support, he's good to me and reliable. And vice versa if he's doing really bad. We talk about our mutual interests, therapy, and different approaches to dealing with people and emotions a lot. But we don't get involved in any day to day stuff, I keep out of his business.
The hardest part about getting used to some unstable people with `a good side' that you value, is ajusting to the distance you need to keep in order to reliably access that part of them:( It sux when you were originally romantically interested in them and vice versa. They can still make decent freinds tho.
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Post by mrob on Jul 13, 2019 0:19:28 GMT
Classic, textbook Fearful Avoidant. The only difference is I’ve thought about doing most of those things, not acted on it.
I just want to say that there is no logic. When I’ve felt engulfment, then the anxiety when it’s over, the feelings are so over the top. It’s like I’ve had to act a certain way to stay alive. I’ve been asked direct questions that I haven’t answered honestly because of this. Perplexing for everyone concerned.
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 13, 2019 0:54:22 GMT
Does anyone know if FA’s punish when staying away from their partner, as to teach them a lesson, or is it really just about self-preservation and needing distance to feel safe?
It can feel like punishment.
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