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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2019 2:18:21 GMT
hannah99 I'm in agreement with faithopelove. It's ok to try to make sense of what happened to you - it is a process that some of us have to go through, more so than others - as long as you do not wallow in it and try to avoid looking at yourself too. For myself, all the questioning was not about trying to fix the relationship or moving on, but it was very much to try to repair my own sense of life and reality through trying to gain a better understanding of the entire situation - how could I have been so misguided or wrong in my perceptions that I didn't see it coming? It made me question my own sanity and reality, and I needed to explore not just myself, but also reality in general (done in other places), that goes beyond the att. style of my ex (which is often done here). It's a process, and I hope you go through it smoothly and quickly! With regards to his behavior, now that you've seen a good spectrum of what he can do, it just seems like a generally unstable person who acts on his whims rather than a solid understanding and grounding in reality. If that is so, it might be FA, it might be a personality disorder or more, like what sherry has said. Whatever the final diagnosis is, the root of it is instability and a lack of grounding in a shared reality. if you read up on all potential reasons e.g., FA, personality disorders, you will notice that they have similar roots and the diagnosis just depends on how extensive the problems are and how they're configured. So, it's hard to have any clear idea of what the real problem/situation is, and it's definitely impossible for the forum to give you an accurate answer. That's why the motto here is - focus on yourself, not the other person. because it's a never ending rabbit hole of "whys" and "what the hell is this" that can never be answered and closed. faithopelove, from my own experience, sometimes that is intertwined. Staying away because I got triggered by something that he's done to hurt me is also a protest behavior that says "fine if you don't love me then i don't need to be here either", but it's actually a narrative that is to protect myself from more hurt being inflicted on me.
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Post by mrob on Jul 13, 2019 5:29:39 GMT
I agree. It’s never been to punish, but I just can’t face any more.... until I can. Hence the cycle.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 13, 2019 5:55:46 GMT
hannah99 I'm in agreement with faithopelove. It's ok to try to make sense of what happened to you - it is a process that some of us have to go through, more so than others - as long as you do not wallow in it and try to avoid looking at yourself too. For myself, all the questioning was not about trying to fix the relationship or moving on, but it was very much to try to repair my own sense of life and reality through trying to gain a better understanding of the entire situation - how could I have been so misguided or wrong in my perceptions that I didn't see it coming? It made me question my own sanity and reality, and I needed to explore not just myself, but also reality in general (done in other places), that goes beyond the att. style of my ex (which is often done here). It's a process, and I hope you go through it smoothly and quickly! Definitely agree, I went through this too in tandem with addressing my own issues. I started with wtf happened because my confidence and sense of reality was distorted from the relationship, wanted to understand it, didn't, cut my FA ex out, focused on myself, started working things out though didn't finish right away, dated others, dated the same FA guy again, really practiced patience and growing myself while still trying to understand him, got dumped again, got triggered, went into ruminating overdrive, and then from there everything made sense -- his side, my side, all my past relationships that had made no sense, and my thought patterns and perspective entirely changed (and I began testing secure). So looking at both sides may help, but as shiningstar said, only if you're really making space for your own side too and diving into your own responses and not just distracting yourself with the other side.
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 13, 2019 6:38:14 GMT
@shiningstar this is exactly it. I really questioned my sense of self and reality when he left. We'd had an extended period of no drama where I felt secure and healthy and I was so shocked by what he'd done that now I feel the urge to understand what happened from his point of view, which I know is almost impossible. I know now I can never be with him even if he did come back but I still want to understand. mrob what kind of thing triggers this for you? The pattern for me seemed to be that when I felt safe and secure he'd bolt. I explained this pattern to him and he said it was because he was trying to make me love him but it wasn't making him happy.
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Post by serenity on Jul 13, 2019 6:41:19 GMT
Does anyone know if FA’s punish when staying away from their partner, as to teach them a lesson, or is it really just about self-preservation and needing distance to feel safe? It can feel like punishment. Can do in my experiences, depending how far along the spectrum of narcissism they are. Cruelty and inflicting pain can be a form of Narcissistic supply, as much as a strategy for deactivating stressful feelings surrounding closeness. FA can cover a lot of things, from abuse victims to covert narcs and psychopaths. Either way, I find its best not to react or crowd the person. If its a sign of wishing for space, just give it to them and spend your time with good people and enjoying time for reflection. If you eventually see the person as being deliberately malicious, then you know what to do. I read an interesting blog by a life coach who specialized in helping people in relationships with FA's (who she refers to as `coquettes'). The advice was that if your relationship is fairly decent and your partner looks to you for love, then you'll only ever have to wait 3-5 days for re initiation of contact. If theres been a fight, and often they will cause fights, then just gradually work towards reconciliation and enjoy your space. I think FA's throw people a curve ball by their hot cold behaviour, and they way they make you panic when they go cold. It does help to understand that cycles of `cold' have a pattern and they will come around usually when your attitude is positive, loving, and light. They need love, thats why they come back.
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Post by mrob on Jul 13, 2019 7:19:00 GMT
hannah99, go to my very first posts on this forum and you’ll see how it all happened, real time. Every thought. It’s scary, but it’ll give you insight. From the couple of years I’ve been here what I’ve seen is the details differ, but the facts are textbook same.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 13, 2019 11:07:26 GMT
Does anyone know if FA’s punish when staying away from their partner, as to teach them a lesson, or is it really just about self-preservation and needing distance to feel safe? It can feel like punishment. It totally can...I have had that feeling many times with B...but I think (in part perhaps) that comes from me taking actions personally...is in his action A is a result of my action B. It is really difficult to see the 2 actions as unique.
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 13, 2019 17:07:47 GMT
Does anyone know if FA’s punish when staying away from their partner, as to teach them a lesson, or is it really just about self-preservation and needing distance to feel safe? It can feel like punishment. I have no idea about any other FAs, but for me the only times I have ever been tempted to stay away from a partner as a sort of "punishment" have been when I've been triggered into a very AP-feeling state. It's a protest behavior, I would be trying to induce a chase in them because I was feeling neglected. An example would be when an ex of mine was barely replying to my texts while he was away for several days (and I suspected he was cheating) and then started texting like normal as soon as he was back in town, and I ignored his texts for a few hours. I was trying to show him how it felt to be ignored. It felt good when he started texting a bunch and even got his friend to text me. By the way, he did cheat on me on that trip. I don't know if this applies to other FAs or not because I can be more AP-like in relationships than some. I suspect a lot of the times that people wonder if an FA is punishing them they aren't and they're just feeling avoidant.
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 14, 2019 0:34:25 GMT
hannah99, go to my very first posts on this forum and you’ll see how it all happened, real time. Every thought. It’s scary, but it’ll give you insight. From the couple of years I’ve been here what I’ve seen is the details differ, but the facts are textbook same. mrob I did- incredible insight
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2019 4:31:18 GMT
The good thing is that it's these excruciating relationships and breakups that lead us ultimately to the answers when we are ready. All those horrible experiences and the fallout is an opportunity to change how we approach our relationship with ourselves and others. It never too late and while I have regrets, I can't do anything to change the past. I find it incredibly empowering to move forward with awareness right now. I know that it takes time to greoefe but keep the goal in mind- progress, growth, insight, and freedom from the seemingly impossible maze of insecure attachment. There is a way out.
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 14, 2019 7:36:16 GMT
For the FAs among us, do you ever find that sometimes you're completely fine with closeness and intimacy? There were times in our relationship where we would mutually express a deep love for one another and both seemed secure in that love. It was conventional milestone that triggered him or after an extended period of security.
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 14, 2019 7:38:11 GMT
@sherry I know you're right. On better days I know that I could never be satisfied or safe with him and know I need to stop hoping he'll come back. And for the first time in my life I'm seeing a counsellor and not just jumping into another relationship. It's hard though.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2019 12:41:39 GMT
@sherry I know you're right. On better days I know that I could never be satisfied or safe with him and know I need to stop hoping he'll come back. And for the first time in my life I'm seeing a counsellor and not just jumping into another relationship. It's hard though. That's understandable. I was shaken and really horrified by the short FA relationship I endured. I ended it rather quickly but the extreme behavior (which included some cruelty that was very perplexing and triggering of old stuff) really brought some things to the surface for me to either keep or discard. I really feel like that relationship challenged the remnants of some deeply held negative beliefs and gave me an opportunity to expose them in myself and toss them out. He was really a catalyst for me being done with major bullshit I have encountered and wrestled with in one form or another all my life. It takes time. You were involved a substantial amount of time and may have even experienced trauma bonding. Have you looked into that? Anyway, very sorry you're hurting but in time it will lessen and fade and you will have a new level of strength inside yourself.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2019 12:50:44 GMT
Does anyone know if FA’s punish when staying away from their partner, as to teach them a lesson, or is it really just about self-preservation and needing distance to feel safe? It can feel like punishment. I think it's very easy to project one's own feelings and interpretations and even subconscious desires into a person that is behaving in ways we don't understand. It goes both ways, where an avoidant can feel that the behavior of an AP is intended in the way that it makes them (the avoidant) FEEL. And sometimes, someone is just not into you anymore and is neither trying to protect themselves or punish or any other thing that an outsider could label it- they may just be disinterested or occupied with something else with a desire to not engage a situation they simply dont have energy or interest in. There are many reasons relationships end, sometimes one person just gets done and usually that is sooner than the other person.
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 14, 2019 13:29:44 GMT
I wouldn't say he was abusive. I dont want to downplay or over-exaggerate our relationship. I'd say most of the time he tried really hard to be secure. We were both out of our comfort zones and both made compromises and allowances. It was just the three breakups...always when things were good...that he seemed to go into DA and be so so cold and distant...and the come back.
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