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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2019 13:46:48 GMT
I wouldn't say he was abusive. I dont want to downplay or over-exaggerate our relationship. I'd say most of the time he tried really hard to be secure. We were both out of our comfort zones and both made compromises and allowances. It was just the three breakups...always when things were good...that he seemed to go into DA and be so so cold and distant...and the come back. It's not limited to straight up abuse but can be a part of a relationship with the highs and lows you described, and the unpredictability. Not saying it's a feature of your attachment but information about why you're longing for a man who is with another woman and still maintain hope for his return, may be helpful to unravel things. That's a dicey situation to be in emotionally. It was a sudden extreme loss and that's pretty tough to make sense of and reconcile inside yourself. Just offering information. www.google.com/amp/s/www.goodtherapy.org/blog/10-steps-to-recovering-from-toxic-trauma-bond-0110175/amp/
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 14, 2019 14:57:50 GMT
I appreciate the help @sherry
It's not even like he's offering me any hope. He still answers the phone but is very cold and basically tells me to sort myself out.
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Post by serenity on Jul 15, 2019 0:37:10 GMT
Great point about Trauma Bonding Sherry! Thanks for the link, I really like that explanation.
And I think you're right, experiencing trauma doesn't have to be intentionally inflicted, but its helpful to know when its part of whats happening. I read in several places that it takes around 3 months or more for neurotransmitters to stabilise after a clean break from a trauma bond; its a bit like coming off a drug, neuro-chemically speaking.
I also find personally that trauma bonds have an enormous erotic pull, that makes everything so muddled and confusing. Sometimes i wonder if a person can feel so much shock and pain, that the body compensates with a flood of pleasure chemicals and hormones to compensate?
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Post by serenity on Jul 15, 2019 0:41:30 GMT
I appreciate the help @sherry It's not even like he's offering me any hope. He still answers the phone but is very cold and basically tells me to sort myself out. Hugs Hannah. If he's with someone else, then you can probably count on that fading after a few months, like with anyone they are with. Would it help you in any way, to recognise that in the end, the power to continue or end this relationship in the long run, lies with you? So what is left: is do you want it? And what kind of relationship with him feels safe for you?
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Post by mrob on Jul 15, 2019 1:23:24 GMT
I wouldn't say he was abusive. I dont want to downplay or over-exaggerate our relationship. I'd say most of the time he tried really hard to be secure. We were both out of our comfort zones and both made compromises and allowances. It was just the three breakups...always when things were good...that he seemed to go into DA and be so so cold and distant...and the come back. That’s the AP/FA dance distilled. Nothing unusual, totally textbook. What has happened with me is... after a connected time, with everything going well, the other person would want some other escalation of the relationship. That would send me into a spin. My story has been that if I don’t step in at some point, and actually stand up for what I want, I will end up married, and that’s not what I want.
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 15, 2019 1:50:33 GMT
I wouldn't say he was abusive. I dont want to downplay or over-exaggerate our relationship. I'd say most of the time he tried really hard to be secure. We were both out of our comfort zones and both made compromises and allowances. It was just the three breakups...always when things were good...that he seemed to go into DA and be so so cold and distant...and the come back. That’s the AP/FA dance distilled. Nothing unusual, totally textbook. What has happened with me is... after a connected time, with everything going well, the other person would want some other escalation of the relationship. That would send me into a spin. My story has been that if I don’t step in at some point, and actually stand up for what I want, I will end up married, and that’s not what I want. mrob - Could you date someone who’s not in the position to get married now either or doesn’t desire it for other reasons? I have 4 kids so I wouldn’t get married and bring a new man into my teenage kids’ lives. That’s not even an option for me until my first three are out of the house. I’m just looking to date, I prefer something special and exclusive bc it would be nice to have someone for me for the times I don’t have my kids...so the parents can have a little bit of a life, too!
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Post by mrob on Jul 15, 2019 3:18:32 GMT
You’re not in Australia are you? *joke*
That’s the ideal. One person, with each other’s backs, with our own lives but enjoy time together. I have absolutely no intention of dragging a series of women through my nine year old’s life. I have to be sure, and I need to make the decision in my own time who meets my daughter.
The most common escalation now is meeting kids and the desire for all parts of life to be one, generally at someone else’s pace. That is a guaranteed deactivation.
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 15, 2019 4:08:27 GMT
You’re not in Australia are you? *joke* That’s the ideal. One person, with each other’s backs, with our own lives but enjoy time together. I have absolutely no intention of dragging a series of women through my nine year old’s life. I have to be sure, and I need to make the decision in my own time who meets my daughter. The most common escalation now is meeting kids and the desire for all parts of life to be one, generally at someone else’s pace. That is a guaranteed deactivation. mrob - You’re safe, I’m on the other side of the pond 😉 I completely agree. That’s all I want. I didn’t allow my ex to meet my kids. But my ex panics just from the closeness, the sharing of space. Ghosted now 10 days after an intimate night. Probably bc he was overwhelmed by that night and my attempt at communication the next day.
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Post by serenity on Jul 15, 2019 6:15:33 GMT
lol. I'm Australian, can we get married immediately? I prefer 5 husbands, one for each feeling, currently looking for spot 3 to be filled. ASAP.
(I thought that was cute message faith BTW. Nice to think of you two dating)
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Post by mrob on Jul 15, 2019 6:24:44 GMT
I think I can be your Man Friday serenity. My goodness, can you imagine a blow by blow record on a place like this?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2019 12:54:08 GMT
I appreciate the help @sherry It's not even like he's offering me any hope. He still answers the phone but is very cold and basically tells me to sort myself out. Hannah, you said in another thread that he cheated on you, with the woman he is now with. When you came to the forum you said he has a female friend and he said she had feelings for him but you trusted him. I just want to be honest that it seems like you have a very heavy cloak of denial about the relationship. By the way, I do see cheating as abusive. It's emotionally and psychologically traumatic, an extreme betrayal of trust, not to mention deceitful, intentionally. It's really important to focus on your own lapses here, especially if your dysfunction has you continuing to engage with a man who is not interested at all. To entertain any hope is to delay your recovery from what is truly a toxic and damaging situation.
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 15, 2019 15:45:57 GMT
@sherry you're absolutely right.
Since we broke up he has done nothing to suggest he has even the slightest regret about leaving me and he seems very happy with this girl. They've already moved in together...something that took us 2 years to do.
I feel like I'm still in shock. Until the very end he was telling me he loved me and making big commitments and gestures, which for him was a big step as he often presented as DA.
But it's been 6 months now and I'm struggling every hour of every day. I don't know what to do. I really am trying to do all the things you're supposed to do. I'm close to giving up.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 15, 2019 16:58:58 GMT
@sherry you're absolutely right. Since we broke up he has done nothing to suggest he has even the slightest regret about leaving me and he seems very happy with this girl. They've already moved in together...something that took us 2 years to do. I feel like I'm still in shock. Until the very end he was telling me he loved me and making big commitments and gestures, which for him was a big step as he often presented as DA. But it's been 6 months now and I'm struggling every hour of every day. I don't know what to do. I really am trying to do all the things you're supposed to do. I'm close to giving up. Hey Hannah....there is no clock on these things....don’t judge your healings on someone else’s or your own timeline. Honestly...the best thing I ever did was give up on a timeline and simply be curious and supportive towards myself. You are truly the only one who can define what you need and what works for you. 💕💕
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2019 17:00:14 GMT
@sherry you're absolutely right. Since we broke up he has done nothing to suggest he has even the slightest regret about leaving me and he seems very happy with this girl. They've already moved in together...something that took us 2 years to do. I feel like I'm still in shock. Until the very end he was telling me he loved me and making big commitments and gestures, which for him was a big step as he often presented as DA. But it's been 6 months now and I'm struggling every hour of every day. I don't know what to do. I really am trying to do all the things you're supposed to do. I'm close to giving up. My son is going through an excruciating breakup with a young woman who is apparently FA but also has some other issues. The relationship had some major traumatic things in it. So he is cycling through the stages of grief. There are several stages, are you familiar with them? He has experienced denial, bargaining, anger, grief, back and forth. I'm supporting him through all those. He has not yet come to acceptance but it's still soon and it can take time. He spends most of his time right now in grief, which I think is healthy to express with the natural impulse to cry and feel the pain and also we talk about the abandonentnamd self beliefs it triggers in him. Then he will go through anger which is also healthy, normal. I've seen him in bargaining and denial at times early on, and I just stood back and let him move through that. It's a process. You seem to be stuck in denial and bargaining. Perhaps you could get some help to move you into anger, anger has a use and is appropriate too. Anger can be very informative and empowering, all the emotions have a place. If you allow yourself to move through suppressed feelings it may help you along toward acceptance. You have to grieve and that involves way more than sadness. It will take you through deep, old, painful stuff. The aim is to address all the old unresolved stuff that comes up with these patterns.
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 15, 2019 17:00:39 GMT
Thank you. You guys are so helpful and supportive.
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