jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
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Post by jules on Jul 13, 2019 0:43:56 GMT
About ex's!
Does this ever prove to be a lasting relationship?
How does one do this and make it work?
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 13, 2019 4:52:41 GMT
A lot of people come here because tension with their significant others --> exes made them start to really reflect.
I've never seen something work long-term with two insecure partners being truly happy in their relationship unless they both had gone through their own independent process to heal at least some of their attachment wounds and become more secure. If only one partner has earnestly tried to work through an insecure attachment, and the other is not interested in doing the same, it seems to stay on as a dysfunctional and possibly codependent power struggle.
More extreme insecures tend to not be attracted to secure partners, and the secure partners will walk away eventually if the relationship isn't working or is dysfunctional, so the pairings often don't get very far.
These things can work out if both sides are committed to taking their own responsibility for any attachment wounds and to consciously choosing to make things work with their partners. Any less tends to hit a wall sooner or later. In most of the threads here, only one partner ends up learning about their attachment issues and open and willing to try to face them.
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Post by lisasb on Jul 15, 2019 12:36:23 GMT
Why is it that the Avoidant is always the one who does no work or self help or reflection. They always blame others saying that it’s them not him.?
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2019 13:07:19 GMT
Why is it that the Avoidant is always the one who does no work or self help or reflection. They always blame others saying that it’s them not him.? Are you sure about this? |
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Post by mrob on Jul 15, 2019 13:18:37 GMT
Why is it that the Avoidant is always the one who does no work or self help or reflection. They always blame others saying that it’s them not him.? Nope. Don’t try that here. We’re insecure people trying to get better here, not at each others’ throats. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 15, 2019 13:50:10 GMT
Why is it that the Avoidant is always the one who does no work or self help or reflection. They always blame others saying that it’s them not him.? That is not a true statement at all....also, coming to a forum board trying to analyze an ex partner does not constitute “work” or “self help” or “reflection”. I have seen that happen too from APs...and I am an AP so I can say that. |
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Post by lisasb on Jul 20, 2019 23:35:15 GMT
Yes mine did he takes absolutely no blame for his actions it’s always others judging him, I have great self control trust me, gently asking him to self reflect and see how he can improve, due to my work in health care I try not to take criticism personally I try to see how i can improve my self or the process, for the well-being of my patients. i am not so sure about other avoidants so perhaps I’m wrong for making such a blanket statement I do apologize to other FA if I’m in error. I’m just find this topic fascinating for some reason, the human mind is amazing.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2019 23:45:49 GMT
Yes mine did he takes absolutely no blame for his actions it’s always others judging him, I have great self control trust me, gently asking him to self reflect and see how he can improve, due to my work in health care I try not to take criticism personally I try to see how i can improve my self or the process, for the well-being of my patients. i am not so sure about other avoidants so perhaps I’m wrong for making such a blanket statement I do apologize to other FA if I’m in error. I’m just find this topic fascinating for some reason, the human mind is amazing. Of course you are in error. Have you read around this forum? There is an active population of avoidants working on their issues. Lots of AP's working on theirs as well. So yes, you are in error but I'm sure you're be welcome to join in on the self awareness. |
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Post by lisasb on Jul 20, 2019 23:48:57 GMT
I wish mine were as self aware as those who are seeking to resolve their issues, I’m truly happy for them, they are on the road to a more fulfilling happy life. Thank you.
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Post by gaynxious on Jul 25, 2019 21:39:55 GMT
Why is it that the Avoidant is always the one who does no work or self help or reflection. They always blame others saying that it’s them not him.? So definitely not true. Anxious people often insist they are right and the problem is their avoidant partners. Part of this is anxious people tend to assume their reactions are universal or ‘normal’, that anyone would react the way they do. I have definitely met anxious people unable to see that they are part of the problem and I certainly was that way myself. Now what you may be picking up on is that it is demonstrated that avoidants tend to seek professional help and guidance from others less often. This is theorized to be partially that they see themselves positively and others negatively so they do not see much value in the opinions of others regarding something they see as specific to them. ‘What does someone else know about me and my relationship?’ They tend to seek help less because it is harder for them to admit they need help and also because therapy inevitable involves intimacy with the therapist. But don’t confuse that with the dynamic being all the avoidant’s fault. |
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