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Post by faithopelove on Jul 18, 2019 22:18:22 GMT
Is it typical for FAs to introduce flirting or seeking other partners (one that seem “perfect”) as a deactivating strategy / when things are going well or one is getting to close etc? I know it is for DAs but wondering on FAs more so. Seems like it would be. Do they really see outcomes with with “perfect” person as being so much better that they want to give up a good thing? It seems like during this time it’d be especially bad for current partner to reach out because they’re caught up in this unrealistic universe. Obviously this is their own issue they have to come to terms with and the current partner has to deal with their own insecurities (which for me is a huge trigger and makes me want to go into protest as AP tendencies), but just curious to know any experience or patterns, especially from FAs. caro - Not my FA/DA. When he shut down he said it was me or no one and he’d just stay alone. He won’t date and has remained alone. He shut down hard core though after our break so he may be an extreme example.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 18, 2019 23:52:21 GMT
caro I think APs may be willing to do this as well as a form of protest behavior. Things seem good but not good enough and jealousy may be introduced to get attention or validation. Not just an avoidant thing, even if the motivation is different. It can be an insecure thing.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 19, 2019 2:58:45 GMT
caro, it's not a matter of not good enough. It's a matter of his emotional availability. Being triggered may be natural for you in this case, and that's okay, but try not to internalize taking it personally.
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 19, 2019 4:06:30 GMT
Is it typical for FAs to introduce flirting or seeking other partners (one that seem “perfect”) as a deactivating strategy / when things are going well or one is getting to close etc? I know it is for DAs but wondering on FAs more so. Seems like it would be. Do they really see outcomes with with “perfect” person as being so much better that they want to give up a good thing? It seems like during this time it’d be especially bad for current partner to reach out because they’re caught up in this unrealistic universe. Obviously this is their own issue they have to come to terms with and the current partner has to deal with their own insecurities (which for me is a huge trigger and makes me want to go into protest as AP tendencies), but just curious to know any experience or patterns, especially from FAs. Some of us do. Some think that the issue must be that you are not "the one" and that things should feel easy with the right person and we would consistently feel sure about them, and that maybe that person is out there somewhere. Bear in mind that someone who is FA pulling away from you isn't always just about things going "well" or getting "too" close. Maybe they have legit problems with the relationship that you just don't see and in their mind they do not consider it "a good thing." Maybe they don't really know what they want or if/how to clearly end things with you, so they are looking for a new person as a sort of excuse to end things. Maybe they hate themselves and feel better with a fresh partner who doesn't know them. Maybe they aren't really thinking about what they are doing and don't have self-insight into why they are doing it. Could be various things or thought processes, oftentimes subconscious. Yes, we really might see potential outcomes with the "perfect" person as being so much better that it's worth ending a relationship, and we might also think we'd rather be alone than in a relationship that isn't perfect. Sometimes when deactivating we might just forget that we even liked you or feel like a switch has flipped and it will never come back. Sometimes you also might think we are deactivating when we aren't or only are a tiny bit. caro - Not my FA. When he shut down he said it was me or no one and he’d just stay alone. He won’t date and has remained alone. He shut down hard core though after our break so he may be an extreme example. This is me with my current relationship, I say exactly that. If it doesn't work out I doubt I'll date anyone else for a long time. I never flirt with or seek out others (in this specific relationship). I’m honestly just feeling super triggered seeing something stupid on social media. We had the best weekend and now he’s pulled back again and now this. I’m trying so hard to be secure, but it’s hard not to read into even though I know he has strong feelings for me. Does he expect me to just keep reaching out!? We’ve been in this weird funk with communication for weeks since we had a big convo. The behavior just triggers that whole not good enough - which I get is my insecurity but it hurts to have someone be so close to you and affectionate then them act like this. So who knows if he even actually is flirting with or seeking out others, based on some clues you think you've gathered from social media. I have had people read way too much into little things I said on social media and come up with wildly inaccurate ideas about what they meant. And vice versa. Remember, none of this has anything to do with your worth. It has to do with things that happened to him before he even know you existed.
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 19, 2019 4:09:56 GMT
I feel like I need to tell him this isn't working for me, being so close then not hearing from him for a week. I know he's depressed and struggling, so maybe I'm just being selfish and making it about me... I can't tell reality from not right now. Has he been ghosting you? Or are you just waiting for him to be the first to reach out? What do you think would be a good way to express this need to not have someone you are dating go a week without contact? And yes, it may be very little to do with you.
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 19, 2019 6:02:45 GMT
caroI have 2 suggestions. One is to learn to communicate what you are looking for without worrying that the person won't react well. The secure thing is to tell people your feelings and needs even when they might not react the way you want. Now, you can do this in a gentle way that isn't making demands of him, and you can of course try to do it at a relatively appropriate time, not just firing off needy/angry reactive texts when you're triggered. Just an example of one way to word things might be something like, "It makes me feel good when we stay in touch and I find it hard to feel connected when sometimes we don't talk for a week. I'm looking for connection. What are your thoughts about that?" He may very well respond that he can't give you what you want, or say the same old lines about how it's not to do with you or he forgot or whatever. To the latter you might say something like, "I understand. More consistent communication is just something I need from someone I'm dating." You might even add something like, "I feel weird when I don't know if and when I'll hear from you again," and/or, "Sometimes I feel anxious about reaching out when I want to." So you're talking about how you feel and not even criticizing him or telling him what to do. He has a choice here to tell you he can't be what you need or that you want different things, or to say that he is willing to try to make an effort. Being open, direct and vulnerable isn't always going to get you what you want. But neither is staying silent and stuffing down your frustrations! Sometimes just knowing I did my best to talk to someone about what I want/feel and gain some clarity is a big relief, even if the reaction I got was, "Hey, I'm not interested in a serious relationship with you and I don't want any obligation to text you with any regularity," or EVEN if I got an angry, defensive, nonsensical, shut-down or vague reaction. It all gives me additional information, and increases my confidence in being direct with people and not stuffing down all my feelings and needs as though I have no right to them. Now, you don't have a "right" to him texting you more frequently, but you DO have a right to expect that anyone you date be in touch more consistently and a right to not date people who don't want to do that. You deserve someone who can provide that. My second suggestion is to actually take a good hard look at the information you already have about him and what he wants and is capable of right now. Even if he did start texting you a bit more often, he isn't providing what you want in a relationship. Why are you so stuck on him specifically? Can you let go of trying to change things with him and occupy your time with other things? Is there even a point in talking to him about not sounding very enthused to talk to you recently, when you have so many other needs that aren't being met and he is going through a hard time with his mental health and not actively trying to work on things with you?
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Post by serenity on Jul 19, 2019 6:05:19 GMT
Hugs Caroline, Its so hard isn't it?. I think you have the right approach for keeping him in your life in the long run (with your light, welcoming, positive attitude). But he's clearly unable to consistently meet a romantic partner's needs, and in fact if you find yourself in distress or in need of care and love, he's not going to be there for you. Not to mention all the unexpected tragedies and sadnesses life throws at you. He won't be there. At best he is an unpredictable fair-weather friend, who you love and who loves you back.
What do you think you should do, considering that's who he is, really? Thats the question, aint it? And deeply individual, how you may answer that.
Do you have enough of a social network to meet your needs, outside of your relationship with him? Is that something you can work on at all? And have you considered that being exclusively attached to him may not be wise, and that perhaps it would be better if you were open to other men? Polyarmoury is a thing these days, so is dating multiple people. And if that's not what you want, then you are entitled to end the romantic relationship and pursue what you really need.
So hard when they start off the relationship being reliable, then it devolves into unpredictablity and soo much distance. Hugs.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 19, 2019 10:40:32 GMT
Is it typical for FAs to introduce flirting or seeking other partners (one that seem “perfect”) as a deactivating strategy / when things are going well or one is getting to close etc? I know it is for DAs but wondering on FAs more so. Seems like it would be. Do they really see outcomes with with “perfect” person as being so much better that they want to give up a good thing? It seems like during this time it’d be especially bad for current partner to reach out because they’re caught up in this unrealistic universe. Obviously this is their own issue they have to come to terms with and the current partner has to deal with their own insecurities (which for me is a huge trigger and makes me want to go into protest as AP tendencies), but just curious to know any experience or patterns, especially from FAs. Hi Caroline....I feel for your situation....the guy I dated never flirted with anyone else...but he did bring up “the one” often....I remember him saying that he did not like to talk on the phone, but with the right girl it would feel effortless. He used to mention that he had doubts but would not go into the specifics. I honestly never felt like he was solidly “in it” and that just made the AP warning bells go off all the time, looking for subtle changes and feeling so alone. About a year after he broke up with me, he confessed that when he dated me he was just lonely and looking for a cuddle buddy but that he did grow to love me. That was a very hard pill to swallow and I own that I am not over him. I think you have received some solid advice here....I think, being AP, we can be hopeful that a situation will change if we just understand the other person better and modify ourselves to fit their needs....but I also think that mirrors a pattern from our childhood of thinking that “we” are the problem/the reason for why the other person acts the way they do. One big area of growth for me has been to understand that most things are not personal...as in, text message response time and quantity does not have to do with my actions. It is obvious he is triggering you and you have every right to broach the subject with him....start with the positive...then state the issue as happyidiot suggested. It is also good to remember that his issues...his reactions etc are about him....you could be the best partner ever and still he would react this way due to whatever is unresolved in him. I wish you well.💕💕💕
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Post by 8675309 on Jul 19, 2019 10:55:21 GMT
Walk away, he cant give you what you need, you will always feel like a doormat with him until he becomes self aware and wants to do the work within. Do you really want someone in your life you have to walk on egg shells, triggering you into anxiousness and constantly question? Am I going to talk to him or see him this week, etc, etc. This is not how secure relations work. I went through the same types of things with my FA, I let him go. Sure I feel bad for him and hes not a terrible guy but I could not live like this, its not healthy and he cannot meet my needs. What is the point of being around someone that is triggering you over and over? Even though its about them, its still not healthy to stick around and take it. Feel bad and love them from afar. His attachment or things in his life are not an excuse and you should not put up with it because you feel for him.
I was completely open with mine is a calm loving manner and he ran or stonewalled me or said one thing and did another.
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hola
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by hola on Jul 19, 2019 18:23:08 GMT
Is it typical for FAs to introduce flirting or seeking other partners (one that seem “perfect”) as a deactivating strategy / when things are going well or one is getting to close etc? I know it is for DAs but wondering on FAs more so. Seems like it would be. Do they really see outcomes with with “perfect” person as being so much better that they want to give up a good thing? It seems like during this time it’d be especially bad for current partner to reach out because they’re caught up in this unrealistic universe. Obviously this is their own issue they have to come to terms with and the current partner has to deal with their own insecurities (which for me is a huge trigger and makes me want to go into protest as AP tendencies), but just curious to know any experience or patterns, especially from FAs. Just depends on how the FA copes. My ex FA just moved on from one relationship to another trying to fill the void within. He doesn't know how to end anything and just shuts down and avoids when confronted. He'll go along with what you say to avoid conflicts, says yes yes yes then lies lies lies. He only knows how to have booty calls and friends with benefits. .
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Post by ocarina on Jul 19, 2019 18:40:38 GMT
I don't think it's a case of you becoming secure and then everything will be fine - this kind of inconsistency would be triggering for everyone and there is a danger in normalising it in relationships. As anne12 said in my recent thread - everyone has needs, it's legitimate and walking away if you've asked and they are consistently not being met, is quite acceptable - even in the case of a broken partner who you feel real love and empathy for.
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Post by 8675309 on Jul 20, 2019 2:08:16 GMT
You cant become secure if you put up with someone insecure treating you poorly. Secures dont keep taking it.
If one wants to get to secure you have to cut toxic things out of your life. Unaware avoidants are toxic and Im not saying this to mean they are bad people, its toxic unhealthy dynamics.
We can still feel and love someone even if they dont match us, you just have to know when to let go and love from afar. We cant fix them. Its the same as two secures not matching values wise, etc. Even secures wont match all the time. I am living proof as Ive only had real relations with secures.
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Post by serenity on Jul 20, 2019 23:48:54 GMT
`` About a year after he broke up with me, he confessed that when he dated me he was just lonely and looking for a cuddle buddy but that he did grow to love me. That was a very hard pill to swallow and I own that I am not over him. ''Hugs Tnr9, This statement really tugged my heart because I know just how painful it feels when an FA you love communicates this way with you I just wanted to say, I hope that from everything you've read and know by now, that although he may have indeed told himself all this as a defensive measure, that FA's typically fall hard and fast like the rest of us do. Then they defend themselves from vulnerability via denial and minimising the relationship for as long as possible. Honey i wouldn't put too much stock in his words for that reason. The love you felt, the connection..that is the truth. Even if he wasn't yet able to articulate that , even to himself. And consider, too, that when he told you all this, he may have felt some considerable vulnerability as well, since you'd broken up. Deactivation comes across so brutal sometimes Hugs
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 21, 2019 1:32:51 GMT
`` About a year after he broke up with me, he confessed that when he dated me he was just lonely and looking for a cuddle buddy but that he did grow to love me. That was a very hard pill to swallow and I own that I am not over him. ''Hugs Tnr9, This statement really tugged my heart because I know just how painful it feels when an FA you love communicates this way with you I just wanted to say, I hope that from everything you've read and know by now, that although he may have indeed told himself all this as a defensive measure, that FA's typically fall hard and fast like the rest of us do. Then they defend themselves from vulnerability via denial and minimising the relationship for as long as possible. Honey i wouldn't put too much stock in his words for that reason. The love you felt, the connection..that is the truth. Even if he wasn't yet able to articulate that , even to himself. And consider, too, that when he told you all this, he may have felt some considerable vulnerability as well, since you'd broken up. Deactivation comes across so brutal sometimes Hugs I don’t know if it was deactivation or him just being truthful. When he broke up with me...he told me he had been praying and fasting for 2 weeks and that God told him that I was not “the one”. It was late at night, he had been drinking and we were at his sister’s house. I do think he cares about me...but I think I have been way more into him then he has been into me. This is where I think he leans more DA....but perhaps I am wrong. I just never felt like he was really in it....there was always some doubt that he would not share.
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Post by serenity on Jul 21, 2019 7:02:47 GMT
Is your ex the same person as `B' that you talked about before tnr9?
Honey, Sorry that you had to hear such hurtful things from your ex. If he really didn't eat for two weeks straight and `God told him blah' , you just gotta force yourself not to take that to heart. Guy sounds broken, you sound like an empath who loves fully in spite of your own vulnerability. That takes real strength and courage. Its natural to feel anxious under the conditions you've experienced.
Hugs.
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