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Post by tnr9 on Jul 21, 2019 11:41:46 GMT
Is your ex the same person as `B' that you talked about before tnr9? Honey, Sorry that you had to hear such hurtful things from your ex. If he really didn't eat for two weeks straight and `God told him blah' , you just gotta force yourself not to take that to heart. Guy sounds broken, you sound like an empath who loves fully in spite of your own vulnerability. That takes real strength and courage. Its natural to feel anxious under the conditions you've experienced. Hugs. Yeh....I try not to refer to him as “my ex” but yes...that is B. I can’t say whether it was truly God or his own attachment fears/guilt...but I can say that I did not get the same “message” from God he did...that could be my attachment hope. Thank you so much for saying that about me....I tend to see what I still lack versus my strengths. I can honestly say that this relationship/break up/attempt at friendship has really taught me a lot about myself. Thank you for giving me pause to see some “good” in me. 💕💕💕
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Post by lovebunny on Jul 21, 2019 13:29:36 GMT
My FA ex did the same thing, minus the god talk. She totally minimized the relationship. This is the same woman who fell asleep every night with her face so close to mine, our lips were usually touching. Then when I protested during the break up, "But...you're crazy about me!" She responded with no emotion in her voice, "I think I WANTED to be crazy about you." When I reminded her something she said days earlier,"You belong in my arms. I always want to be like this with you." she replied: "I meant those things at the moment I said them."
I think they're trying to make sense of their sudden lack of feeling.It is confusing as heck for everyone involved, and in me, it created major congnitive dissonance. I just couldn't wrap my noodle around it for weeks.
We just gotta move on, and don't look back.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 21, 2019 13:59:54 GMT
My FA ex did the same thing, minus the god talk. She totally minimized the relationship. This is the same woman who fell asleep every night with her face so close to mine, our lips were usually touching. Then when I protested during the break up, "But...you're crazy about me!" She responded with no emotion in her voice, "I think I WANTED to be crazy about you." When I reminded her something she said days earlier,"You belong in my arms. I always want to be like this with you." she replied: "I meant those things at the moment I said them." I think they're trying to make sense of their sudden lack of feeling.It is confusing as heck for everyone involved, and in me, it created major congnitive dissonance. I just couldn't wrap my noodle around it for weeks. We just gotta move on, and don't look back. I do think it is more moment by moment with some people....I have read that men tend to be more that way....but maybe attachment has a role to play...I don’t know. The moving on bit has been way more challenging for me....but I own my part in that. Just taking each day as it comes.
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 21, 2019 17:39:34 GMT
My FA ex did the same thing, minus the god talk. She totally minimized the relationship. This is the same woman who fell asleep every night with her face so close to mine, our lips were usually touching. Then when I protested during the break up, "But...you're crazy about me!" She responded with no emotion in her voice, "I think I WANTED to be crazy about you." When I reminded her something she said days earlier,"You belong in my arms. I always want to be like this with you." she replied: "I meant those things at the moment I said them." I think they're trying to make sense of their sudden lack of feeling.It is confusing as heck for everyone involved, and in me, it created major congnitive dissonance. I just couldn't wrap my noodle around it for weeks. We just gotta move on, and don't look back. my x said this too when i said how can you be hung up on your ghost when you are so into me and said you were growing to care for me and my kissses were the best and said there was no one else he said in the moment i meant all that. it was the nite he told me of the ghost while passionately kissing...then a month later it was he wanted to be liked and thought and hoped he would have more emotional depth...he said he was conflicted...he decided over nite that it just no onger felt good and anything physical makes him feel bad. it was confusing for me as well as him and he seemed cold and lost for words. meanwhile he withheld he was dealing with major issues in his life that even a secure would become unavailable while dealing with them. he would just say life is complicated . he did open up more since then in our two brief interactions . the total shut down of emotions and deactivation were tough for me and still are... but i've given tons of space to him and i'm working on moving on.
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Post by beyondconfused on Jul 22, 2019 2:24:00 GMT
`` About a year after he broke up with me, he confessed that when he dated me he was just lonely and looking for a cuddle buddy but that he did grow to love me. That was a very hard pill to swallow and I own that I am not over him. ''Hugs Tnr9, This statement really tugged my heart because I know just how painful it feels when an FA you love communicates this way with you I just wanted to say, I hope that from everything you've read and know by now, that although he may have indeed told himself all this as a defensive measure, that FA's typically fall hard and fast like the rest of us do. Then they defend themselves from vulnerability via denial and minimising the relationship for as long as possible. Honey i wouldn't put too much stock in his words for that reason. The love you felt, the connection..that is the truth. Even if he wasn't yet able to articulate that , even to himself. And consider, too, that when he told you all this, he may have felt some considerable vulnerability as well, since you'd broken up. Deactivation comes across so brutal sometimes Hugs I've been lurking these boards for a few weeks now. What i read here makes me feel not so alone. I feel the need to share my story. We met online gaming in a mutual group of friends that i met in the particular game i play. He added me to facebook and we started talking. Alot. We spoke every day. We got to know eachother. We got along really well, we enjoyed eachother's company in conversation. Things got flirty and i reciprocated. He is from a different state, but that doesn't matter to me much, I can relocate if I need to. I went to meet him for New Year's. It was fantastic. We hit it off straight away and that weekend was one of the best I had had in a long time. I hadn't dated anyone for a long time because my last relationship ended badly, and i was afraid to get hurt. I felt like this was worth trying for. He had told me he's bad at these kind of things (flag number one) but to me, he was doing great. He was kind, very affectionate, always complimenting me etc. It made me feel so good. He pursued me, and i definately accepted his advances. He was the one to say we were "together". He would say things like "i dont want to build you up too much and then you go and find someone else" I never asked for anything from him, I just accepted what he gave me. I went to visit him twice more. He was always affectionate, cuddling (which he told me he usually hated but didnt hate with me *red flag again?*) and it was just perfect. On my last visit, he seemed a little less of those things. We had sex alot less than we had in the past. It just seemed a little off to me but i didnt read too much into it. I remember after one visit, he had apologized to me if he seemed off, he was just worn out from work. During that visit though i didnt notice him being different and i told him that. I believe that was on our second visit.Sorry, i'm all over the place here things are still so scrambled to me... anywho.. after our last visit, i noticed he was texting me back less. not saving good morning to me - he worked overnights and was just getting off work when i was getting up so he would always be around to chat and say good morning. He started going off on mesenger around the time i would wake up.He started leaving me on read more often. I know life gets busy, and his job is unpredictable so he couldnt answer right away. But i would get a message later saying sorry it's been crazy sleep well or something to that effect. Started to not even get those really. But he would be posting things on facebook all night while not answering my messages. As busy as he was, he would always find time for me in the beginning. Then he stopped. I checked in with him - asked him if i'm coming on too strong or giving him too much affection. He says no, you're fine dont worry. I was worried, worried I was scaring him away. I tried to dial it back since he wasnt really reciprocating. I never got upset with him for that, or for not replying to me. I was being patient with him. Then two months ago, i had messaged him a few times and he never read it. I come home and he's on gaming with our friends. Kind of upset me. Then he leaves right as I get on to join them. I had sent him a message about oh our friend asked me if i was grumpy becaus eof how youre acting - making a joke. He said i wouldnt blame you if you were. I said, well it feels like sometimes you push me away at times but i just remain patient. He said, about that - we need to talk. I knew it was bad, I don't think those words are ever good. So we get on the phone and he starts telling me he doesnt have feelings for me anymore, that when he told me he has issues this is what he meant, he just loses feelings for people. It was so hurtful to hear that when everything seemed to be going well to me. He told me he's been basically lying to me because he hadnt been feeling what he had been saying to me. He told me he didnt care about me that way anymore. I cant explain how much that hurt. I cried of course, made a fool of myself. Tried in the coming days to get him to change his mind. A few days prior he told me he had been going to therapy and it wasnt working. I guess that was him prefacing for this. He told me this is how he is, he stopped trying to change it. He doesnt want a relationship like his friends have. Our mutual friend told me he had said to them i wanted to move in with him ( not true) and he wasnt about that life. I did want to eventually move closer, of course but never in with him. It's been two months. any time ive reached out it's met with coldness or he just ignores me. I last tried three weeks ago. He read my last message and never replied. Im still at a loss and it hurts, more than it probaby should for a short relationship. But i really felt something for him, and he made me believe he felt the same. Thanks to all who post here and make me feel less alone in trying to make sense of this. I'm still trying to figure out if hes avoidant or what, but his behavior seems alot like it.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 22, 2019 3:50:08 GMT
beyondconfused, I'm sorry that happened to you and know it's very painful. If he's told you he has issues, it's best to listen. It does tend to be a person's issues to have a pattern of just losing feelings suddenly and consistently especially if they don't communicate it in a timely manner (saying instead like hey, I'm feeling distant lately, maybe I'm not getting x, y, and z needs met, how do we address this, instead of just breaking up without first discussing the problem). A pattern usually indicates it's not about you. It's also possible you two are long-distance and he didn't see you enough to keep up momentum, but he still handled it immaturely if that's the case. I would believe him that he's not ready to be a good partner regardless of how great you may be, because someone saying, therapy isn't working for me, I can never change, I'm just this way... is someone who 1. doesn't have the right therapist (there's trial and error) and 2. probably doesn't have the right attitude to progress even with a better therapist. Someone who truly wants to put in the effort for themselves will say, this therapy isn't working for me, what else can I try, before giving up and saying I'm just this way. You also don't want to be with someone like that if you want a real relationship, because they're currently more concerned with self-preservation than emotional availability. While I know you didn't ask for advice and are saying it's great to not feel so alone... have you taken the focus off him and done some soul-searching yourself? Have you looked into your own attachment style? If you are still hurt from your last relationship and find it hard to trust, you probably have some emotional availability gaps too that you're still getting over, and we humans tend to subconsciously seek out relationships at the level we are comfortable with... you finding a guy long-distance who put up barriers may reflect that you've still got some healing to do.
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Post by beyondconfused on Jul 22, 2019 11:12:39 GMT
beyondconfused, I'm sorry that happened to you and know it's very painful. If he's told you he has issues, it's best to listen. It does tend to be a person's issues to have a pattern of just losing feelings suddenly and consistently especially if they don't communicate it in a timely manner (saying instead like hey, I'm feeling distant lately, maybe I'm not getting x, y, and z needs met, how do we address this, instead of just breaking up without first discussing the problem). A pattern usually indicates it's not about you. It's also possible you two are long-distance and he didn't see you enough to keep up momentum, but he still handled it immaturely if that's the case. I would believe him that he's not ready to be a good partner regardless of how great you may be, because someone saying, therapy isn't working for me, I can never change, I'm just this way... is someone who 1. doesn't have the right therapist (there's trial and error) and 2. probably doesn't have the right attitude to progress even with a better therapist. Someone who truly wants to put in the effort for themselves will say, this therapy isn't working for me, what else can I try, before giving up and saying I'm just this way. You also don't want to be with someone like that if you want a real relationship, because they're currently more concerned with self-preservation than emotional availability. While I know you didn't ask for advice and are saying it's great to not feel so alone... have you taken the focus off him and done some soul-searching yourself? Have you looked into your own attachment style? If you are still hurt from your last relationship and find it hard to trust, you probably have some emotional availability gaps too that you're still getting over, and we humans tend to subconsciously seek out relationships at the level we are comfortable with... you finding a guy long-distance who put up barriers may reflect that you've still got some healing to do. Hello, I appreciate your response. I will take any advice I can get at this point haha. I will agree that I most likely do have emotional unavailability that I am still getting over. Though, i didnt really expect him to act this way towards me, but i suppose i should have. He made it seem like i was the exception to what has happened before but i am now just collateral damage. I think if anything the distance was a motivating factor for him because he would see me only when it was planned out. I think the thought of me moving there and being more available scared him. In any case, I would say you're right that he doesnt currently have the mindset to move forward and try to work on these issues, but it's just so sad to me that in the beginning he said that's what he wanted only to backtrack on me after I'm invested to tell me he doesnt want to work on anything.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 22, 2019 17:28:19 GMT
beyondconfused, when people say they have patterns (and that you're the exception for them), it's best to assume the pattern will repeat UNLESS they've already invested in doing enough to change it before meeting you... or possibly concurrently with the relationship with you though that's more difficult. My serious FA ex used to tell me I made him want to be a better person. At the time, I thought that was great, flattering. He'd only had chaotic and shorter relationships, and at first, ours was neither (I'm still his longest). What I realized later was he needed to want to be a better person for himself, not for me, or it was inevitable that motivation would wear off and his patterns would (and did) repeat. He's told me numerous times over the years since then that he doesn't change. Sometimes, the whole, I've never felt this way with anyone else, you're the exception to my bad relationship history, is an extension of emotional distancing. They're seeking "the one" and start relationships with idealization that can't be sustained. These people want the relationship to work in theory but don't realize the commitment issues lie within them, not the partners, and finding "the one" won't fix it all on its own. It's mutual work. Not that everyone who seems really into you at first is going to be projecting and that you're never a good match when someone acts like that, but the difference is in the consistency of words and actions lining up, in the person making you a priority but not making you THE priority (too quickly because of poor boundaries or possibly their poor self esteem or fear), and generally emotional stability.
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Post by serenity on Jul 22, 2019 19:55:54 GMT
Hi beyondconfused. (((HUGS))) Honey, Thanks for opening up and sharing your story; I'm so sorry you've felt so much pain these past 2 months. I have some idea of how awful you've been feeling, as I'm sure many others here do. Its brutal and traumatizing when the switch gets suddenly flicked off, after months of what was presented to you as a secure, consistent, loving relationship, mainly initiated by them. Worse if you are in any way isolated or introverted by nature, and your few close relationships are deeply meaningful to you. Yes, the way he behaved is common FA behaviour from what I've read and experienced personally. When the ``new relationship energy'' wears off (3-6 months usually), FA's tend to show their true colours. If they don't brutally discard you, there is usually an intense `fading' of affection that hurts just as bad. Its not your fault, its just the way they are, hon. They can't help it, and neither can you FA's also do tend to circle back to you. After a discard or rapid `fade out' , It feels like they are gone forever, but they aren't really. I expect they give you a lot of distance after the first discard because they know they've hurt you, and they expect to be rejected and hurt in return. Sometimes they find a (usually temporary) replacement for the love you gave, but not always. If there's a way to reconnect to you, they generally try in the coming months after they discard you. Because you share gaming / online friends that are valuable to you, may I suggest that this is really good time for reflecting on both the good and bad in your FA freind, trying to ground yourself in truth, and strengthening your positive social connections? Those things helped me the most when my FA exes started circling back. Please keep posting and reading!
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Post by beyondconfused on Jul 22, 2019 21:33:29 GMT
beyondconfused , when people say they have patterns (and that you're the exception for them), it's best to assume the pattern will repeat UNLESS they've already invested in doing enough to change it before meeting you... or possibly concurrently with the relationship with you though that's more difficult. My serious FA ex used to tell me I made him want to be a better person. At the time, I thought that was great, flattering. He'd only had chaotic and shorter relationships, and at first, ours was neither (I'm still his longest). What I realized later was he needed to want to be a better person for himself, not for me, or it was inevitable that motivation would wear off and his patterns would (and did) repeat. He's told me numerous times over the years since then that he doesn't change. Sometimes, the whole, I've never felt this way with anyone else, you're the exception to my bad relationship history, is an extension of emotional distancing. They're seeking "the one" and start relationships with idealization that can't be sustained. These people want the relationship to work in theory but don't realize the commitment issues lie within them, not the partners, and finding "the one" won't fix it all on its own. It's mutual work. Not that everyone who seems really into you at first is going to be projecting and that you're never a good match when someone acts like that, but the difference is in the consistency of words and actions lining up, in the person making you a priority but not making you THE priority (too quickly because of poor boundaries or possibly their poor self esteem or fear), and generally emotional stability. I thank you again for your insightful reply. I truly did believe he wanted to work on his issues. He would tell me he was, he did not say how - unsure of how long he was in therapy for. He told me once his pastor had been speaking alot about relationships and he thought it was a good message and could help him be a better partner to me. I didn't think I was the magic cure for his issues, but I did make it clear I was willing to weather the storm, to support him and help him any way I could, but it seems my offer wan't enough for him. I could see when we were together from the affection he shared with me that he does desire this, but he tells me what i saw was a lie. I have both difficulty fully believing this and sadness that he would believe such a thing at the same time. I did ask him if he was afraid of missing out on someone better - and he said no, but I am unsure of what to really believe now after all this. I kept telling him he seems to just have resigned himself to be broken and it really doesnt have to be this way, that this is a defense mechanism(running away) and it can be changed. He said, "its not a defense mechanism, i havent had trauma or anything like that and its not really that deep it's just how i am". But he goes back and fourth with that also, because he did tell me, as did a mutual friend of ours, he had a girl lead him on for a long period and i guess that impacted him quite a bit. I am sure there are other factors at work also, but he didnt share anything else like that with me. I did observe that his mother seems to helicopter him and gets anxious when he doesnt reply to her messages and will spam him. His parents are divorced, but i dont know the circumstances of it. Any attempt to discuss this with him after this happened has been met with unintrest/coldness on his part. ive told him multiple times i'll just leave him be then, to which he says thats not what im saying i have alot going on i dont really feel like talking to anyone. i replied with, well if youre saying you dont want to talk - that is what youre essentially saying. I sent that message 3 weeks ago and he read it and hasnt replied. I am hoping he will reach out to me eventually but it seems unlikely. I care for him a great deal and it saddens me he doesnt care about me at all now.
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Post by beyondconfused on Jul 22, 2019 21:42:14 GMT
Hi beyondconfused. (((HUGS))) Honey, Thanks for opening up and sharing your story; I'm so sorry you've felt so much pain these past 2 months. I have some idea of how awful you've been feeling, as I'm sure many others here do. Its brutal and traumatizing when the switch gets suddenly flicked off, after months of what was presented to you as a secure, consistent, loving relationship, mainly initiated by them. Worse if you are in any way isolated or introverted by nature, and your few close relationships are deeply meaningful to you. Yes, the way he behaved is common FA behaviour from what I've read and experienced personally. When the ``new relationship energy'' wears off (3-6 months usually), FA's tend to show their true colours. If they don't brutally discard you, there is usually an intense `fading' of affection that hurts just as bad. Its not your fault, its just the way they are, hon. They can't help it, and neither can you FA's also do tend to circle back to you. After a discard or rapid `fade out' , It feels like they are gone forever, but they aren't really. I expect they give you a lot of distance after the first discard because they know they've hurt you, and they expect to be rejected and hurt in return. Sometimes they find a (usually temporary) replacement for the love you gave, but not always. If there's a way to reconnect to you, they generally try in the coming months after they discard you. Because you share gaming / online friends that are valuable to you, may I suggest that this is really good time for reflecting on both the good and bad in your FA freind, trying to ground yourself in truth, and strengthening your positive social connections? Those things helped me the most when my FA exes started circling back. Please keep posting and reading! Thank you for both the hugs and response haha. I know I could use those at this time I am quite introverted by nature, so I do have very few close people to me. When he disappeared after daily communication for quite a long period, it was like a huge crater was left behind. It feels right now that he won't circle back to me... I know prior to me he was on tinder quite a bit so i suspect he's jsut gone back to that, which bothers me more than it should. He told me when he dumped me, find someone else im not coming back. which was devastating to hear from him. I cant really think about touching another person in that way it makes me feel sick. I have been less present in that friend group because 1. everyone knows what happened and its embarassing 2. they pretty much knew this was going to happen and would check in with me to see how things were going because they were afraid he was going to do this to me and 3. it feels strange and empty without him. I am trying to work my way back into it, it's just difficult for me to do. I do think alot about this, probably more than I should. I tend to over analyze everything and this is no exception. If I cannot understand something, ti makes it difficult for me, and this I definitely don't fully understand.
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 22, 2019 23:16:39 GMT
Yes, the way he behaved is common FA behaviour from what I've read and experienced personally. When the ``new relationship energy'' wears off (3-6 months usually), FA's tend to show their true colours. If they don't brutally discard you, there is usually an intense `fading' of affection that hurts just as bad. How do you tell the difference between a secure person experiencing a normal fading of attraction after the intense lust-filled limerance of the "honeymoon" period wears off and you're clearly committed and they start getting real comfortable and know they don't have to impress you anymore etc, and someone who is mildly FA doing a slow fade? I guess I have no idea what is "normal" or to be expected. I don't know how to tell the difference between someone just taking you a bit for granted because they feel so secure now and the novelty has worn off, and an FA who is deactivating in a way that isn't as clear and dramatic as dumping or ghosting. Maybe it seems like as an FA I should be excellent at detecting FAs, but sometimes it's very unclear to me. And I worry that sometimes I might possibly actually project my own FA-ness onto others, like assuming that if someone else does something they are doing it for the same reasons I might.
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Post by serenity on Jul 23, 2019 0:09:02 GMT
Oh heya happyidiot! Hope you're having a nice start to the week so far.
Good question.
I think what Caroline and others are talking about here is very different to the natural `reduced intensity' after the honeymoon period is over. As I've experienced it, a discard in the form of the `fade out' feels brutal, inappropriate and cruel usually. Usually it follows some escalation of closeness, or the partner needs a little more because of a life situation. As I've experienced it, communication suffers the most, you might get the silent treatment, stonewalling, and a lot of rude behaviour. idk. I think its fairly unmistakable but yeah i can see how it could be confusing too.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2019 0:43:45 GMT
Yes, the way he behaved is common FA behaviour from what I've read and experienced personally. When the ``new relationship energy'' wears off (3-6 months usually), FA's tend to show their true colours. If they don't brutally discard you, there is usually an intense `fading' of affection that hurts just as bad. How do you tell the difference between a secure person experiencing a normal fading of attraction after the intense lust-filled limerance of the "honeymoon" period wears off and you're clearly committed and they start getting real comfortable and know they don't have to impress you anymore etc, and someone who is mildly FA doing a slow fade? I guess I have no idea what is "normal" or to be expected. I don't know how to tell the difference between someone just taking you a bit for granted because they feel so secure now and the novelty has worn off, and an FA who is deactivating in a way that isn't as clear and dramatic as dumping or ghosting. Maybe it seems like as an FA I should be excellent at detecting FAs, but sometimes it's very unclear to me. And I worry that sometimes I might possibly actually project my own FA-ness onto others, like assuming that if someone else does something they are doing it for the same reasons I might. it's in the intensity and abruptness of "breaking" connection with you. A normal secure person who fades out is still the same person but without the horns and trumpets of hormones and romance, but they're still somewhat norrmal and there. it's just not as passionate and lovey-dovey anymore. With insecures, you feel a sense of disconnect quite sharply, and that the person has withdrawn into themselves, and that you're no longer interacting with a genuine true self and cannot access them. I think with secures, if the relationship deteoriates to a large extent and is just dysfunctional, it can feel the same, but it takes a longer time with a slow eating away at the foundation of the relationship. with insecures, it's pretty quick and you can't really put your finger on it - outwardly it looks fine, but there's a sense that it's not quite all there like it was before. I would think that it's harder to differentiate when insecurity is not that extreme, and hence that confusion you are talking about. happyidiot, do you have clarity and awareness over your own FA behaviors in a very mindful, objective way? it might become much easier to observe the differences because you can see what you're doing yourself and how that differs from a normal fading out! i self identify as a FA and i've been gaining some awareness of that part of me (can observe DA and AP parts more easily), and it's somewhat helping me through my current relationship.
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Post by serenity on Jul 23, 2019 3:12:35 GMT
It feels right now that he won't circle back to me... I know prior to me he was on tinder quite a bit so i suspect he's jsut gone back to that, which bothers me more than it should. He told me when he dumped me, find someone else im not coming back. which was devastating to hear from him. I cant really think about touching another person in that way it makes me feel sick. I have been less present in that friend group because 1. everyone knows what happened and its embarassing 2. they pretty much knew this was going to happen and would check in with me to see how things were going because they were afraid he was going to do this to me and 3. it feels strange and empty without him. I am trying to work my way back into it, it's just difficult for me to do. I do think alot about this, probably more than I should. I tend to over analyze everything and this is no exception. If I cannot understand something, ti makes it difficult for me, and this I definitely don't fully understand. Ah, that really sucks, I'm sorry it ended that way, and now you feel uncomfortable around mutual friends as well. The way he closed the door with a slam also sucks, but idk, they say anything when they want to push you away. Sucks you think he's using tinder to replace you, what a truly awful feeling. Is it possible for you to find some new fun gaming friends to spend some time with? Must be great being a gamer, and being able to connect with people that way.
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