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Post by beyondconfused on Jul 23, 2019 21:29:25 GMT
It feels right now that he won't circle back to me... I know prior to me he was on tinder quite a bit so i suspect he's jsut gone back to that, which bothers me more than it should. He told me when he dumped me, find someone else im not coming back. which was devastating to hear from him. I cant really think about touching another person in that way it makes me feel sick. I have been less present in that friend group because 1. everyone knows what happened and its embarassing 2. they pretty much knew this was going to happen and would check in with me to see how things were going because they were afraid he was going to do this to me and 3. it feels strange and empty without him. I am trying to work my way back into it, it's just difficult for me to do. I do think alot about this, probably more than I should. I tend to over analyze everything and this is no exception. If I cannot understand something, ti makes it difficult for me, and this I definitely don't fully understand. Ah, that really sucks, I'm sorry it ended that way, and now you feel uncomfortable around mutual friends as well. The way he closed the door with a slam also sucks, but idk, they say anything when they want to push you away. Sucks you think he's using tinder to replace you, what a truly awful feeling. Is it possible for you to find some new fun gaming friends to spend some time with? Must be great being a gamer, and being able to connect with people that way. Hes definitely succeeded in pushing me away. I tried what I could to communicate and he doesnt seem receptive so I've given up. I've been playing alone much of late, if I stumble upon some good people would definitely consider it.
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Post by beyondconfused on Jul 23, 2019 23:16:16 GMT
So he just reached out to me. Not really hopeful about it but I can say I'm shocked.
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jules
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Post by jules on Jul 24, 2019 1:00:44 GMT
So he just reached out to me. Not really hopeful about it but I can say I'm shocked. My advice? Unsolicited, of course...don't respond just yet. Mine reached out Sunday, I said nothing. He reached out again today. I have no idea what I want to say, but I am going to think long and hard. I may not respond at all. It's really not emotionally a healthy move for me to perpetuate this. It's not a game, love. Hearts are not to be played with. That's what I'm thinking. Keep posting, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it. Right there with you!! Jules
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Post by 8675309 on Jul 24, 2019 2:27:27 GMT
Oh the circling... Mine has circled. He really just wants sex. Selfish. We are supposed to be just friends. Pffft, told him like it is, I dont tip toe like a secure wont. I got an acronym as a reply I had to look up. LOL. He will now run away again like usual.
I wont go down any romantic road with him, I just keep it real and he runs, its ok, its his thing, not mine.
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Post by serenity on Jul 24, 2019 4:42:03 GMT
Great advice Jules. You gals probably know how to handle your guys like a boss already, but I find it helps so much to keep it *really* light , positive and friendly when they circle back.... almost like pretending the discard/deactivation didn't happen. When your heart is so heavy and your anxiety is peaking, its the last thing you want to do, but it sure does help get the communication going again.
Depending on how much of a douchebag they were, you might decide to keep them as a friend or rekindle things. But like Jules said...go slowwww. In conversation, be more superficial and light than you'd like to be, just for a while. You need to somehow get back to a place of regular contact again, to ease your own anxiety. Helps if you don't rush into anything physical right away though your mileage may vary. I think its important to make sure not to make decisions based on trauma bonding, but on your true assessment of the person and the situation.
I've never been able to get much verbal reassurance from these kinds of guys, especially when i'm feeling insecure. Its best to look to their actions for that it seems. Eventually, I found they do come around to apologise for their behaviour, and their love can bounce back too. more authentic and trusting that before, when they hadn't revealed their failings to you. This can take a couple of months of stepping forward, stepping back, building mutual trust and waiting for the right time to talk. Its worth waiting for if you really love the person.
I was terrified most of being replaced by other women. I couldn't handle a guy who womanizes. I found it best to to ask outright, if thats what had happened, and get it out of the way. In the case of the few FA's still in my life who I love very much as people, they hadn't replaced me but rather deactivated from all intimacy .
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Post by 8675309 on Jul 24, 2019 11:28:02 GMT
Great advice Jules. You gals probably know how to handle your guys like a boss already, but I find it helps so much to keep it *really* light , positive and friendly when they circle back.... almost like pretending the discard/deactivation didn't happen. When your heart is so heavy and your anxiety is peaking, its the last thing you want to do, but it sure does help get the communication going again. Tell is like it is, secures dont walk on eggshells.
While I keep it friendly with him, I dont hold back, you cant hold back because of Their issues. Im always honest and open with him. Dont pretend you were not discarded as you were, its not going to change them or make it better until they do the work inside. You only hinder yourself trying to be a certain way because of their issues. Say what is needed with no fear they will run, you got you, let them run.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2019 11:36:10 GMT
Great advice Jules. You gals probably know how to handle your guys like a boss already, but I find it helps so much to keep it *really* light , positive and friendly when they circle back.... almost like pretending the discard/deactivation didn't happen. When your heart is so heavy and your anxiety is peaking, its the last thing you want to do, but it sure does help get the communication going again. Tell is like it is, secures dont walk on eggshells.
While I keep it friendly with him, I dont hold back, you cant hold back because of Their issues. Im always honest and open with him. Dont pretend you were not discarded as you were, its not going to change them or make it better until they do the work inside. You only hinder yourself trying to be a certain way because of their issues. Say what is needed with no fear they will run, you got you, let them run.
Absolutely spot on! I agree with this 100%. Why walk on eggshells? You're not valuing yourself at all to allow someone who has thrown you away like trash to come back months later to pretend nothing happened. You're worth more than this. No matter how light you want to make it, they will only run away again. They are just playing with your feelings if you allow them too.
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jules
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Post by jules on Jul 24, 2019 15:13:53 GMT
How do you even broach the subject of their DA/FA? Part of me feels like its not my place to play armchair psych. Jules
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Post by beyondconfused on Jul 24, 2019 15:16:06 GMT
So he just reached out to me. Not really hopeful about it but I can say I'm shocked. My advice? Unsolicited, of course...don't respond just yet. Mine reached out Sunday, I said nothing. He reached out again today. I have no idea what I want to say, but I am going to think long and hard. I may not respond at all. It's really not emotionally a healthy move for me to perpetuate this. It's not a game, love. Hearts are not to be played with. That's what I'm thinking. Keep posting, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it. Right there with you!! Jules I wish i read this before I responded! Haha. It caught me so off guard ofc i gave in. Didnt seem to go anywhere tho. He hasnt read or replied to the last message I sent so not sure what to make of it now
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Post by beyondconfused on Jul 24, 2019 15:17:43 GMT
How do you even broach the subject of their DA/FA? Part of me feels like its not my place to play armchair psych. Jules I feel like they will not be receptive to this... they will most likely deny they have this issue. They are either actually unaware as it seems most are, or in denial. If I tried to discuss this with my ex, I'm sure he would think its "not that deep" as he did before. "Yhis is just how I am". Self awareness is lacking.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2019 15:17:58 GMT
By being honest and open. All healthy relationships require communication. Otherwise it won't survive.
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Post by 8675309 on Jul 24, 2019 16:50:54 GMT
Secures will talk about anything openly so just talk about it. You can bring up attachment without attacking them or a blame. Just talk about it people! Stop tip toeing around! Lol
They get offended, run, etc, so be it. Its not your problem if they become defensive, etc. It’s a darn adult conversation.
I talked to mine about it, he was pretty receptive in talking but he has not actually looked it up and read about it. He’s not ready yet.
You all need to stop walking on eggshells. ‘Man Up’ and talk!
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Post by alexandra on Jul 24, 2019 16:59:02 GMT
How do you even broach the subject of their DA/FA? Part of me feels like its not my place to play armchair psych. Jules Not walking on eggshells doesn't mean calling them out on their attachment style. It means that, if you feel like it, calmly sharing how you feel about their behavior towards you and stating what's not okay and what you won't accept, and not worrying if their response is to run away instead of stepping up. It's communicating how you feel, not trying to judge, change, or educate them.
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Post by serenity on Jul 24, 2019 23:35:24 GMT
Why walk on eggshells? You're not valuing yourself at all to allow someone who has thrown you away like trash to come back months later to pretend nothing happened. You're worth more than this. No matter how light you want to make it, they will only run away again. They are just playing with your feelings if you allow them too. I know what you mean, i can think of sooo many jerks I've met who deserve exactly that kind of response. If someone with an FA style is special to me though, someone I cherish and wish to have in my life for a mutually beneficial and trusting relationship..I've found meeting them where they are at to be the better approach . Both of my close FA freinds have mental health issues they didn't ask for and can't change simply because people reject or punish them for it. There are plenty of opportunities to be direct and open, but during/just after a major episode of deactivation is not one of them I found. I wanted to just add, that i agree with you insofar as FA style of attachment can be linked to some serious mental health issues such as sociopathy and NPD, who are definitely people to avoid romantically. My own freinds don't have that. One is a very shut down child abuse victim, the other suffers schizoid PD and is extremely isolated. Both are valuable peers and friends of mine, in spite of their attachment style and the disappointment of failed romance.
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Post by mrob on Jul 25, 2019 1:22:21 GMT
It’s happened again. Avoidant = jerk. Not an unaware person acting from a place of internal dysfunction not of their doing, just judgment.
Lack of self awareness? There are plenty on both sides who go through life never being aware, and in my experience, it’s not until devastation that some (!) will entertain the thought of change.
You’re armed with the information about this person, it’s time to trim your sails and act as you see fit. If, for some reason, you can’t do that, it may be time to look at yourself.
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