jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
|
Post by jules on Jul 20, 2019 21:30:38 GMT
Yesterday I asked him if he wanted to do something tomoor (today) he asked if I was working, I answered...have not hear a word from him since (yesterday afternoon)
I can't even wrap my brain around this.
I have not seen him since monday am as he left. Have not asked to see him.
I do not get it. But it's rude, and hurtful.
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Jul 20, 2019 21:38:02 GMT
Yesterday I asked him if he wanted to do something tomoor (today) he asked if I was working, I answered...have not hear a word from him since (yesterday afternoon) I can't even wrap my brain around this. I have not seen him since monday am as he left. Have not asked to see him. I do not get it. But it's rude, and hurtful. This sounds horribly familiar to me - and as such I am probably not the best person to comment - but having been accepting of this kind of thing for years, been subject to declarations of undying love followed by total disappearance when I asked for more contact, I do recognise how mind wharping this is and destabilising in a relationship.
Take care not to get caught in the cycle of joy when he returns then despair when it happens again and again and again.
I feel for you.
|
|
jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
|
Post by jules on Jul 20, 2019 21:50:17 GMT
I need to not keep getting draen back in!
He will just text all happy like we've missed no beats.
I had to rehome my dog on Thursday. And while he was communicative, in all honesty, I could have used a hug. Didn't ask for one. I accept not his deal. But I've come to realize; it's mine. I want a partner. Not a wishy washy, as some one said here (TYVM!) "fair weathered friend".
I gotta let go of how great we get along. How we laugh. The smart convos. The commonalities. His sensitivity. Plus how tall, hot and hung he is (absolutely stellar sex, pretty sad to see that go)
Hurts my heart, but he's not my person. Hot and cold is not for me. I'm used to loving and being loved. Not equal here. Unnatural. Hurtful.
And when he circles back? Cause he will, he has, and I reminded him he came back bc he missed me... I need to recognize that unless he's undergone therapy, I'm not there for the taking.
Im on vaca. with my child for a couple weeks, im sure he eill reach out to see her. Hes already told her a couple times hed like to take us out for a meal.
After that. When I can tend to a break up...I am having some sorta discussion. I can't live this way. Sea sick.
Thank you!! Jules
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Jul 20, 2019 21:52:57 GMT
Good on you - and for recognising the risk of getting dragged back in. It is really tough to make an exit from this kind of relationship but you're right - nothing will change unless he puts in the work - and you being accepting and tolerant at your own expense won't accelerate the process.
Enjoy your time away and be brave!
|
|
jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
|
Post by jules on Jul 20, 2019 22:08:20 GMT
I feel sad for him.
Anyone like this really. Partnership, a team built on love and trust is what it's really all about, imo.
I have faith that what is meant for me will find me. Sad it's not him. But it's really not him. Not like this. I know he doesnt mean to hurt me, but he's hurting me. I am a really good woman. I am only accepting the same level that I give.
Thank you for the astute words! J
|
|
|
Post by lisasb on Jul 20, 2019 23:24:46 GMT
Read up on trauma bond that’s what all of us have here, it’s like an addiction, deactivate from him as he has from you, he just can’t be what you want he’s done performing to please you and has reverted to his true self, can yip not see this is not healthy and tiresome ugh. Plenty of hung secures trust me!!!! Omg they are billions of people in the planet, know they worth!!! Put your crown on your head,Be the strong queen that you are !!!! Numb yourself move on!!!
|
|
|
Post by lisasb on Jul 20, 2019 23:28:05 GMT
That should read know* your worth
|
|
jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
|
Post by jules on Jul 22, 2019 1:04:21 GMT
He finally contacted me via text )over 48 hours after he asked a question, and I answered) He attempted at a sweet sentiment for my time with my child, but honestly it barely makes sense. When he tries to be emotional or tender it's almost as if English becomes his second language. Awkward wording.
Regardless, I did not respond. I need time..distance. I feel myself detaching, which feels organic and safe. I have no problem being vulnerable, but I hide in my shell if I sense danger (cancerian crab)
Any who, thanks for listening. Jules
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Jul 22, 2019 20:00:25 GMT
That's good Jules; you have good instincts and responses to unpredictable and unsafe behaviour. I agree its organic, and that distance is safest in this situation. Your Detachment will save you. I'm sorry he turned out to be like this though. Its not what anyone hopes for when they start a relationship that is presented to them as sincere and secure
|
|
jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
|
Post by jules on Jul 22, 2019 23:40:49 GMT
Thank you. Not going to lie, it really hurts. I really like him. We have a great time but the fact of the matter is that is what inevitably is uncomfortable for him. It's not going to work. I know what's meant for me will find me, just sad its not him. Regardless, I survive, even alone. I survive and inturn I thrive...and I have learnt SO much about people and myself! So valuable. I only ever studied attachment in the past because I thought my dolid child rearing could have been disrupted by trauma in my childs life. I never considered as it pertains to grown up relationships. This is imperative to understand, I now know. And this site is really great. People helping eachother is a beautiful thing. Thank you. Jules
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Jul 23, 2019 3:26:31 GMT
The attachment books say move on quick if you're looking for a secure, exclusive, loving relationship in the long run. Its ruthless advice but you can't change who a person is I'm sorry that you're hurting, it really sucks losing a close relationship with someone, knowing its not possible for things to go back to what they were.
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jul 23, 2019 4:00:22 GMT
Yesterday I asked him if he wanted to do something tomoor (today) he asked if I was working, I answered...have not hear a word from him since (yesterday afternoon) I can't even wrap my brain around this. I have not seen him since monday am as he left. Have not asked to see him. I do not get it. But it's rude, and hurtful. This sounds horribly familiar to me - and as such I am probably not the best person to comment - but having been accepting of this kind of thing for years, been subject to declarations of undying love followed by total disappearance when I asked for more contact, I do recognise how mind wharping this is and destabilising in a relationship.
Take care not to get caught in the cycle of joy when he returns then despair when it happens again and again and again.
I feel for you.
Joy/despair...totally hit the nail on the head...it feels incredibly destabilizing....getting breadcrumbs of a relationship. I describe as feeling like the relationship is so fragile it could break at any time...or like a balloon that could just float away.
|
|
jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
|
Post by jules on Jul 23, 2019 9:48:00 GMT
Thank you!!
The further away I get from our last conversation, the easier this is. His way is not at all how you keep a girl interested. Its actually a real turn off. I hope everyone stops accepting crumbs. Everyone *deserves the whole enchilada.
I appreciate the support!! Thank you! J
|
|
jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
|
Post by jules on Jul 24, 2019 9:19:24 GMT
As stated on someone else's post; He texted me again yesterday.
It was just a sentiment of "hope you and your little one are enjoying your staycation"
I left it alone. I don't even really know what to say.
I went on a first date last night. It went really well. I didn't even think about my FA until driving home. Then I felt sad. But my gut is saying this man is not in love with me. He is not capable of loving me.
So this is where I am.
Thots?
Thanks, Jules
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Jul 24, 2019 16:30:58 GMT
As stated on someone else's post; He texted me again yesterday. It was just a sentiment of "hope you and your little one are enjoying your staycation" I left it alone. I don't even really know what to say. I went on a first date last night. It went really well. I didn't even think about my FA until driving home. Then I felt sad. But my gut is saying this man is not in love with me. He is not capable of loving me. So this is where I am. Thots? Thanks, Jules You don’t need to know what he thinks - it’s how his actions affect YOU that’s important. Someone can love you totally but that’s irrelevant if that comes with inconsistency and poor communication - if consistency and reliability are things you value in relationships. Love means nothing without the ability to act with love and maturity.
|
|