Disconnection from the perceived primary

HALT is definitely there! I find that when I don't have enough resources - overworked, hungry, sad, low mood, I will engage in rumination and negative spirals, and the ex/whoever it is tend to be the easiest tool to use for these spirals. The one thing I did was to make sure I'm not hungry/overtired/find rejuvenating activities that replenishes my emotional energy even if it's physically tiring e.g., hikes. So it's about working out a routine that keeps you in an optimal state.

alexandra is absolutely right - the work needs to be done outside of triggers, and consistently so. it took up almost 100% of my free time, and i did lots of reading/writing even at work. just jotting down thoughts and insights. This strengthens your beliefs and changes your thought patterns, as well as give you daily booster shots of improving yourself and healing. Healing was front and center of my thoughts, and anything that got in the way of that e.g., drinking, netflixing, bad friends, I just didn't do any of it as much as i could to lay a good foundation for a new life.

when I do get triggered, there is to be no distraction. I sit in my bed/couch, and simply lie there or stare out of the window, and feel all of it without adding thought to it. this allows my mind, body, and soul to fully experience and acknowledge the pain that is trying to come out and tell me something. If you don't let it tell you what it wants to tell you, it'll just keep coming! I didn't want to resist anymore, and I was keen to know what it was trying to tell me. this is very important in processing your past - and you will know over time that this has alot less to do with a person (who is a trigger as well as a distraction) than it is just you needing to process the past to evolve. when I keep this principle in mind, I found it alot easier to allow for the episode to pass, and pick myself up after. 

i guess my point is that, in short, there is no self soothing activities during a trigger, except to make yourself comfortable when you get triggered and let experience it mindfully so as to let it pass. It's not about weathering the beating by self soothing to distract from the pain. self-soothing is often misunderstood as just distracting yourself and not let your anxiety/pain/fear bother you, and that in my opinion is counterproductive because it ignores the emotions till they pass. To me, it's more beneficial to think of it as making yourself comfortable e.g., lie on soft pillows, keep warm, doing yoga, hanging with friends, and having candles on, while letting your body and mind and soul process these feelings fully because that is what it needs to do in order to hear the message. You self soothe by making space in a comfortable loving and kind way for these emotions. So for example, by hanging with friends, you're not using social interactions to distract yourself from the emotions, but rather, you still feel the emotions but you draw on positive social support for strength and comfort, which gives some space in yourself to allow these emotions to occur. It just "pads" you up a little so that the episode can occur but in a softer and gentler way. 

tnr9, I just posted a thread in the general forum that has a long slideshow-type document with an incredible amount of information, and at the end are some specific exercises and techniques for working with this. I don't know if it's specifically whet you are going through because I am not familiar with it myself. But it's a really cool resource that might be helpful for all of us. You will have to scroll quite a way to get to the anxious exercises but there is a ton of neat info on the way.

Its the "incredible info" thread.  

it is!!!! thanks for this.

it basically captures a snapshot of everything that's discussed here in a cognitive, factual manner, which is nice because it neatly ties everything together into one document. I believe that knowledge is power, and the ability to understand all components of the experience (my problems, a partner's problems, the origins of these problems, and how to navigate it as a couple) was invaluable for me to chart a new course in life where I feel more empowered and equipped to "adult" with another person.