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Post by kisstheviolets on Jul 28, 2019 5:43:49 GMT
Hello all!
My FA would never officially commit to me though we got very close. I even got him to a therapist about 2 weeks before he broke it off with me for a younger lady. He is spending so much time with her and already official. His reason most of the time for not committing to me was because he was afraid of all the changes that would happen as a result of being with me. I asked him how those changes would differ from any other woman he made a commitment to. I got no answer and I don’t care to push the issue. For context we got very close over a 2 year period. The typical push and pull including a previous break away to go back to an ex. He ended up coming back of course. I think he really wants to give this new lady an honest shot, and I understand that. I’m so many ways once he had lied to me about the ex ( we agreed not to see anyone else), it was hard for me not to be wary. I am secure in most relationships. Of course not in this situation.
I know I’ll never know for sure, but I feel this comment is an indirect way to say he ran from me? The current lady is 12 years younger, not at all an equal to my success as a business owner and stable life. Just wanted some thoughts.
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Post by serenity on Jul 28, 2019 6:11:27 GMT
Well first I want to say I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you  After 2 years invested in push-pull relationship that ended that way, I can imagine your exhaustion. Sounds like you were doing a lot of things right, to keep it going so long. As I understand it from working in mental health (in peer support roles, I'm not a psychologist), traumatized kids who develop attachment fears balk at stability itself. They kind of gravitate towards the familiar anxiety of trauma bonds and ppl who stir them that way. The beginning of a relationship with (anyone) that you don't know would stir that anxiety. And if she is someone unstable herself and does a lot of push pull, they could stay connected in that dance for some time. Its nothing about age and no failing on your part, I would presume. He sounds immature, and maybe he was trying to grow. I imagine what will happen there is if she is another stable person, he will become uncomfortable with her by the 3-6 month mark and start circling you again. May i ask, what kind of age group is he in ? |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Jul 28, 2019 6:25:17 GMT
Well first I want to say I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you After 2 years invested in push-pull relationship that ended that way, I can imagine your exhaustion. Sounds like you were doing a lot of things right, to keep it going so long. As I understand it from working in mental health (in peer support roles, I'm not a psychologist), traumatized kids who develop attachment fears balk at stability itself. They kind of gravitate towards the familiar anxiety of trauma bonds and ppl who stir them that way. The beginning of a relationship with (anyone) that you don't know would stir that anxiety. And if she is someone unstable herself and does a lot of push pull, they could stay connected in that dance for some time. Its nothing about age and no failing on your part, I would presume. He sounds immature, and maybe he was trying to grow. I imagine what will happen there is if she is another stable person, he will become uncomfortable with her by the 3-6 month mark and start circling you again. May i ask, what kind of age group is he in ? |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Jul 28, 2019 6:37:03 GMT
Thank you so much for responding!
He is 40, I am 39. The new lady is 28. We have known each other since high school, so it’s been very painful to shut the door on him. He does so badly want to be in a bonded and loving relationship. His longest relationship was 10 years. His therapist suspects that girl was a dismissive.
I have thought perhaps the new girl is as well but I can’t be for sure. Though I wonder if it’s typical for fearful’s to rush in when something is new and exciting.
I loved him well, so of course there was never a “spark” with me. He says he is very much enjoying the fresh new relationship. Very painful.
I reacted poorly of course. But, there was a wrench in this. I was pregnant and he broke from me literally the same day I told him. He was in this relationship within the week. This girl is a bartender at a neighborhood bar he is a staple at. They have been friends and everyone with ties to this bar is very encouraging of this match.
I ended up terminating the pregnancy. He would not even have a conversation about it. Just a text message that said he was not onboard. Along with other very hurtful things. I have always wanted children and well, needless to say I was angry and said angry things. Maybe truthful but I did not handle it very classy. I could not get him to talk to me and so the messages were frequent. I have since stopped talking to him, after a text exchange that we had hoped we could forgive each other. It was extremely surreal to be healing from this massive decision while she was posting FB pictures of them at the beach. Again, very painful. Reading this board has been a lifesaver.
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Post by serenity on Jul 28, 2019 6:57:18 GMT
Oh Honey, you lost your baby too That's just so heart breaking. And 39 is a tough time to lose a bub too.((Hugs)) I wouldn't worry too much how you reacted. You could have been graceful and cool and the result would have been the same. And the weird thing with FA's is when they come circling again, it doesn't matter what you did, they only want you (again). Just let it (the texts) go for now. idk. My love of entire twenties ditched me for a woman in her teens when I hit 30, he had the circle of bar friends too, meanwhile i was keeping it all together managing computer corporations and paying our way. My girlfreinds said i was beautiful and intimidating, so idk why. His new relationship didn't last and he never had the courage to talk to me again. So i kinda know how bad it feels. Don't think he was FA tho, just someone with addiction issues. What do you think you'd do if he comes circling again? And how would you like to spend the time, before he does? |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Jul 28, 2019 8:04:57 GMT
❤️ Thank you for listening.
Yes, the termination of the pregnancy was very hard in the sense that I also have major fertility issues with PCOS so it really was quite the miracle. We had talked about having a kid because it is my dream to be a mother. Went as far as getting fertility drugs the first time we discussed it. I didn’t take them as he had went back to the ex at that time. Those discussions continued, but I wanted to wait a while while he practically jumped up and down one night drunk, begging me. When I tried to tell him I was pregnant and would be starting hormonal drugs to help he accused me of getting pregnant on purpose to keep a piece of him and that I was doing it to hurt him. He had a high school girlfriend who raised a daughter under the assumption that she was another mans child. She was pregnant when she broke it off with him when he was 19, and left him for the other man. She ended up dying tragically in a car accident and her best friends revealed that that child was his. The girl would not respond to any attempts of contact. So he used this experience as leverage. Said he didn’t care how many kids I had that I needed to find someone that was willing to be my sperm donor. It was incredible and so bizarre. I realized I could not live with this man in my life. All this time of knowing him, I’ve never seen or imagined he could be the way he was to me that day.
In a way I’m grateful he his preoccupied as it has forced me out. I know if he came around at this moment I would probably break down and regress, if only because I felt so incredibly used and abandoned.
He would often times say that I intimidated him. That he didn’t know if he could be the type of man that would be my equal. I have my shit together so to speak. I am a widow and so I also have a lot of baggage and can very much thrive on my own. I gave him patience, space, and empathy. I guided him to seek help, hoping that it would at least allow him to be more open with me and develop strategies to deal with his issues. I was all in.
I don’t know but it does seem he likes to go all in on women that are more needy or need his help. I do think that played into his fears.
That is why I wonder if his statement is the closest I’ll get to him admitting that he couldn’t deal with my love and effort and so he went back to his comfort zone, the chase and the game.
I absolutely have some anxious attachment issues, I have been in therapy for some time. He bought it out in me at the end. I wanted to. be heard. It was just so surreal.
So my hope is that he stays away or stays away long enough to be confident that I would be able to not have a reaction . I’m not sure if that’s possible, but I would like to think I could get to a place that I would never put myself back in his cycle again.
❤️ All my hugs for letting me vent! It’s so helpful.
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Post by serenity on Jul 28, 2019 23:50:04 GMT
Hugs and more hugs. I'm glad you're finding it helpful to talk about it. I mean from the outside, this whole experience sounds so very traumatic, especially how he led you believe he wanted a child with you, and then just abandoned you both (in the most hurtful way possible).
Do you have a good social network of your own, like family, close friends etc? I found during a discard by an FA it helped me sooo much to really shine my positive energy on people who were able to love me back and communicate well. It kind of brought me back to reality too... of how empty and rejecting that relationship had felt.
Especially in comparison to friends who rewarded closeness with closeness and fun and communication, instead distance and rejection.
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Post by kisstheviolets on Jul 30, 2019 3:06:39 GMT
❤️ I do have a good close network, but I think they are not used to seeing me so weak and it’s embarrassing to me.
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Post by serenity on Jul 30, 2019 6:42:09 GMT
Yeah its really hard to socialise when you are in terrible pain isn't it? Maybe just take baby steps for now, as part of your self care?
Do you share mutual friends as well at all?
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 30, 2019 6:54:07 GMT
kissthevioletsWelcome. I love your username. That song has always symbolized insecure attachment to me, for example the idea of a cloud sleeping on my tongue representing feeling stifled and unable to speak what I'm thinking while around someone, unable to tell them how I feel. You aren't alone. Is it possible that your friends don't actually judge you anywhere near as hard as you judge yourself? What would you do if you didn't feel embarrassed?
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Post by kisstheviolets on Jul 30, 2019 19:25:54 GMT
kissthevioletsWelcome. I love your username. That song has always symbolized insecure attachment to me, for example the idea of a cloud sleeping on my tongue representing feeling stifled and unable to speak what I'm thinking while around someone, unable to tell them how I feel. You aren't alone. Is it possible that your friends don't actually judge you anywhere near as hard as you judge yourself? What would you do if you didn't feel embarrassed? Thank you guys for taking to me:) So, you know I now instantly adore you! Yes! I think that song is EXACTLY that. “Leave me, the way I was before, you’re already in there, I’ll be wearing your tattoo....” ahhhhhh so delicious. Love Tori. I do certainly judge myself. For me, I have visibility in the community and in my industry and so don’t they all love it when someone else is in the dirt... I am so embarrassed and mortified when I take an assessment of what I did to myself for the past two years. I got seriously behind on taxes Wrecked my car thinking about him and not paying attention Abandoned my employees and lost two of my best after they just couldn’t deal with me anymore.... Missed out on major milestones for my nieces, Abigails first birthday... Isabel's first cheer competition...... Aborted a pregnancy I wanted The list goes on and on... no one else but my therapist and 2 of my best friends knows this. My two friends are both just shocked. I lied to them about seeing him after he left me the first time and isolated myself. I am very lucky for them❤️ If I go back to that, I might as well put a gun to my heart because I can’t crawl out of this a third time. I am feeling better day by day but with clarity I realize there are some odd things. His statement above He would say he didn’t know if we were over for good, he had to explore this new person, but that we are over for now. I always have a piece of his heart and a special place in it. We both have items that are extremely important to the other. He will not mail them. He produced and album and said he has a very special copy for me Says he wants to talk to me but doesn’t know how at this point... I believe the new girl is probably into him and not an avoidant, leading me to wonder if he will cycle .... Before I am ready to choose myself above all else. I feel like he knows he will and assumes I will always be there , as I always have. And I do not understand any of it. |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Jul 30, 2019 19:28:39 GMT
Yeah its really hard to socialise when you are in terrible pain isn't it? Maybe just take baby steps for now, as part of your self care? Do you share mutual friends as well at all? We do but only on the fringe. Enough where people have noticed something happened but none of them know what. I do not ask for information. The last I had someone mention him, they just said he looked good and was really happy and he mentioned me, how I was awesome and it was all his fault.... and I just said well I’m glad he is doing well..... |
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 1, 2019 20:04:34 GMT
kisstheviolets Welcome. I love your username. That song has always symbolized insecure attachment to me, for example the idea of a cloud sleeping on my tongue representing feeling stifled and unable to speak what I'm thinking while around someone, unable to tell them how I feel. You aren't alone. Is it possible that your friends don't actually judge you anywhere near as hard as you judge yourself? What would you do if you didn't feel embarrassed? Thank you guys for taking to me:) So, you know I now instantly adore you! Yes! I think that song is EXACTLY that. “Leave me, the way I was before, you’re already in there, I’ll be wearing your tattoo....” ahhhhhh so delicious. Love Tori. I do certainly judge myself. For me, I have visibility in the community and in my industry and so don’t they all love it when someone else is in the dirt... I am so embarrassed and mortified when I take an assessment of what I did to myself for the past two years. I got seriously behind on taxes Wrecked my car thinking about him and not paying attention Abandoned my employees and lost two of my best after they just couldn’t deal with me anymore.... Missed out on major milestones for my nieces, Abigails first birthday... Isabel's first cheer competition...... Aborted a pregnancy I wanted The list goes on and on... no one else but my therapist and 2 of my best friends knows this. My two friends are both just shocked. I lied to them about seeing him after he left me the first time and isolated myself. I am very lucky for them❤️ If I go back to that, I might as well put a gun to my heart because I can’t crawl out of this a third time. I am feeling better day by day but with clarity I realize there are some odd things. His statement above He would say he didn’t know if we were over for good, he had to explore this new person, but that we are over for now. I always have a piece of his heart and a special place in it. We both have items that are extremely important to the other. He will not mail them. He produced and album and said he has a very special copy for me Says he wants to talk to me but doesn’t know how at this point... I believe the new girl is probably into him and not an avoidant, leading me to wonder if he will cycle .... Before I am ready to choose myself above all else. I feel like he knows he will and assumes I will always be there , as I always have. And I do not understand any of it. I'm so sorry. Hugs to you. What purpose is it serving for you to continue having contact with him? (serious question, not rhetorical) What don't you understand? You must understand SOME of it, given that you have determined your and his attachment issues. |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Aug 1, 2019 20:32:12 GMT
Thank you guys for taking to me:) So, you know I now instantly adore you! Yes! I think that song is EXACTLY that. “Leave me, the way I was before, you’re already in there, I’ll be wearing your tattoo....” ahhhhhh so delicious. Love Tori. I do certainly judge myself. For me, I have visibility in the community and in my industry and so don’t they all love it when someone else is in the dirt... I am so embarrassed and mortified when I take an assessment of what I did to myself for the past two years. I got seriously behind on taxes Wrecked my car thinking about him and not paying attention Abandoned my employees and lost two of my best after they just couldn’t deal with me anymore.... Missed out on major milestones for my nieces, Abigails first birthday... Isabel's first cheer competition...... Aborted a pregnancy I wanted The list goes on and on... no one else but my therapist and 2 of my best friends knows this. My two friends are both just shocked. I lied to them about seeing him after he left me the first time and isolated myself. I am very lucky for them❤️ If I go back to that, I might as well put a gun to my heart because I can’t crawl out of this a third time. I am feeling better day by day but with clarity I realize there are some odd things. His statement above He would say he didn’t know if we were over for good, he had to explore this new person, but that we are over for now. I always have a piece of his heart and a special place in it. We both have items that are extremely important to the other. He will not mail them. He produced and album and said he has a very special copy for me Says he wants to talk to me but doesn’t know how at this point... I believe the new girl is probably into him and not an avoidant, leading me to wonder if he will cycle .... Before I am ready to choose myself above all else. I feel like he knows he will and assumes I will always be there , as I always have. And I do not understand any of it. I'm so sorry. Hugs to you. What purpose is it serving for you to continue having contact with him? (serious question, not rhetorical) What don't you understand? You must understand SOME of it, given that you have determined your and his attachment issues. [ ❤️❤️❤️ I’ll take the hugs! Serves absolutely no purpose but to indulge my own weakness. I think I don’t understand how he thought I got pregnant purposefully to hurt him. I have known this man since high school. It just cuts deep and confuses me. |
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After 2 years invested in push-pull relationship that ended that way, I can imagine your exhaustion. Sounds like you were doing a lot of things right, to keep it going so long. 
