Post by ektelon on Jul 29, 2019 0:51:29 GMT
I have had a really tough time with my recent relationship and this forum has been a great resource to helping me get better. I'm an AP and I have been counseling to deal with my past traumas that trigger it ever since this relationship fell apart. From what I have read, my relationship follows an almost textbook AP FA relationship, but I wanted to share my experience and get people's opinions.
My "partner" and I had been seeing each other for over a year. We originally met at school and started off as friends. Over time, I started developing emotions for her and I started inviting her to hang out with me more. I knew that she had lots of past traumas so I tried to take things slow with her. Over time, she was the one who initiated things that made the relationship look like it was going somewhere. For example, she would stroke my arm while we were together, she would give me a hug when we parted at the end of the day, and one day she kissed me out of nowhere.
The problem was that when I started reciprocating she seemed to immediately push away. For example, if I tried to kiss her she would turn her head away. If I tried to hug her, she would dodge it sometimes. If we held hands one day, she would refuse to hold hands the next time we met. On some days she would be okay with this intimacy, but the next she wouldn't. This cycle persisted for the whole year and this push pull dynamic really started to mess with my AP head, but since I was patient and very understanding I never really said anything to complain.
She always seemed to talk badly of herself in terms of her looks even though she was really attractive. She also constantly said she wasn't worthy of being loved. When I started telling her that I loved her she began to brush it off in strange ways like, "You seem to be able to say that word very easily, I don't think you mean it." She would sometimes talk about how she isn't the person I think she is and that she's actually a terrible person who doesn't deserve love and that people who say they love her eventually find out what a terrible person she is and leave her in the end. Sounds very FA to me now.
Despite all of this the relationship continued and we even went on overnight trips together. She would be very intimate on these trips, but once we got home and I was reminiscing about how intimate she was on the trip she would tell me, "I didn't mean to be intimate... please forget that ever happened!" On that same note, every time we got close and intimate on a major "date," she would claim to be busy for the next few weeks and I would not see her for a long time. I realized from past relationships that my AP can be triggered where I over contact and smother my partner, but I tried not to do that and we only had short text exchanges every couple of days.
One day, she canceled our plans to get together and once again claimed she was too busy to see me for a long time and I decided just to call her and ask what was going on. During the conversation I told her how much I love her and I'm really confused by her actions. She once again claimed that I didn't actually love her. She then said even if I did, she wasn't worthy of love. When I logically proved her wrong her she then said that she just wasn't mentally ready for a relationship and that we should just stay friends. I accepted her offer because I'm AP and didn't want to lose what we had. (I realize that my actions don't seem overtly AP, but I just haven't gotten into those details).
After that we saw each other one more time. When we parted I gave her a big hug and out of reflex I accidentally told her I love her again... Then she blocked me from What's App which was our primary source of communication. I was in shock and so heart broken, my friends forced me into therapy and I thank them for doing so. I was able to talk to a mutual friend of ours and was told "she felt that your emotions were too strong, and that she can't be the person you want her to be, so she got scared and ran away. She doesn't have the heart to tell you because she doesn't want to hurt you, though I'm sure she has." I'm hoping she cycles back like many did on this forum (even if it's not healthy for me), but I'm not sure what I can really do from here other than wait and pray.
I want to see what you guys think and if you have any advice.