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Post by hannah99 on Jul 30, 2019 11:58:37 GMT
I understand the phantom ex is usually a DA thing and is usually someone who is even more dismissive than they are but have any aps experience this?
Although I take breakups badly and take along time to recover, once I'm in love with someone else I'm done. I'm completely indifferent to all my exes now. I wondered if this was an ap thing...and if so, about the only good thing about it!
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Post by 8675309 on Jul 30, 2019 12:30:30 GMT
Phantoms tend to be an avoidant thing not just DA's, FA's will have them too.
I dont have any sort of phantom as a secure but you just become that way when you're over it. Youre just not into that old person anymore.
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Post by nathan on Jul 30, 2019 15:52:04 GMT
I’d have to agree that if I have the chance to process everything, I feel for the most part over the situation. It doesn’t even have to be a partner. I tend to after the initial hurt which can be awful or take a little while, think of them less often, I’ve allowed for them to reach out to me sometimes maybe even more than once and maybe even convince myself things could be better now for a short while only to find that to some extent things never feel the same again for me. I don’t think I grieve something twice most of the time. Maybe that’s some security even?
I do think there’s at least one exception to this, my run in with a DA took me the longest I’ve ever experienced to get over someone, and I definitely went through it and went through it. I guess being triggered anxious stalls my healing process, at least temporarily? Also I have been holding new people I meet to a higher standard now.
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 30, 2019 16:21:48 GMT
Surely APs can have phantom exes too, given the number of APs on this forum who are still pining for people who broke up with them many months or even years ago?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2019 16:28:51 GMT
Phantom ex? What is that?
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 30, 2019 17:04:36 GMT
My understanding of a phantom ex is someone you never really get over even when you're with someone else.
As an ap, I grieve for a long time but once I've met someone else the ex is completely secondary.
With a phantom it can stop you committing to someone else.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2019 17:21:27 GMT
If this is common with DA's - then wouldn't the DA have been dismissive towards them? I guess what I'm trying to get at is if the phantom ex was the person they can't get over. Then why or haven't they committed to them especially if the relationship was great and now they are their ex? Wouldn't they have been dismissive towards them?
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 30, 2019 20:01:33 GMT
From what I've read, they usually become a phantom once there's a lot if distance and no chance of reconciliation and they're 'safe.'
From what I've read on here, people have said the phantom was often more dismissive than the da.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2019 20:06:49 GMT
I'm guessing when in a relationship - they do everything to sabotage it. After it ends, and the dust settles (feel they can breathe) - they start to miss the other person.
That's the cycle right?
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 30, 2019 20:16:02 GMT
Yeah something like that.
I think sometimes it's used as a way to distance themselves from their current partner too.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2019 20:25:34 GMT
Sounds like the one that got away.
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 31, 2019 20:35:53 GMT
If this is common with DA's - then wouldn't the DA have been dismissive towards them? I guess what I'm trying to get at is if the phantom ex was the person they can't get over. Then why or haven't they committed to them especially if the relationship was great and now they are their ex? Wouldn't they have been dismissive towards them? Just because someone is DA doesn't mean no one ever dumps or rejects them and that their ex would be willing to take them back, even if the DA, not the other person, was the one who ended the relationship. One DA I knew who had a phantom ex (she had BPD, attachment type unknown) said he felt guilty because he had hurt her. I think she now had another partner. It didn't seem like he actually wanted her back, just that he thought he would never love anyone else. He sometimes thought about writing her a letter. Actually come to think of it he had another phantom ex too, who he said he mainly just didn't get back with because she was married now. Another possible DA I knew, who was triggered very anxious by his phantom ex but said in every other relationship/dating situation he'd been more DA, did get back together with his phantom ex. Because their relationship is long-distance and a bit on and off it seems to have some lasting power and keep him anxious. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 1, 2019 1:39:07 GMT
Surely APs can have phantom exes too, given the number of APs on this forum who are still pining for people who broke up with them many months or even years ago? Right...but the thing is...I am not dating anyone else while pining about b. I can only “be” with one person....so I don’t date when I have feelings for a guy I previously dated. I would think the whole thing about a phantom ex is that is a person who prevents you from truly being intimate with your existing partner. It is a barrier so to speak....and as an AP,I crave closeness. I may not see a person honestly while with that person, I tend towards idolization....but I don’t pin after an old partner when I am with someone new. |
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Post by 8675309 on Aug 1, 2019 11:42:08 GMT
I dont see the APs' having phantoms they are just still stuck on that person and wont let them go.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2019 18:14:17 GMT
Why would AP's have phantom exes? When they can tolerate and want intimacy.
As an AP myself, I would not pine over an ex if I was in a new relationship. As my sole focus and craving would be on the one guy.
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